Sometimes, I just want so desperately to feel God.

To have Him hold me
or comfort me
Let me know everything is gonna be okay
That all this is worth it

But, I know that this will happen in time
and this is where trust comes in.

Right now, I just want someone who knows my heart.
To just hold me.
Where I don't have to say a word
Because, honestly, I have no words.
But I don't think that people can understand any of this.

It's more complicated than human minds are capable of comprehending.

I need to find my laptop charger...

I wish

I could express everything on my heart.
And be understood.

But, I do believe that is impossible
And honestly, I don't know if it's what I really want anyway.

I wish

I could express everything on my heart.

And be understood.

But, I do believe that is impossible

And honestly, I don't know if it's what I really want anyway.

Telling dad was actually easier than telling mom.
He sees there are some pretty big risks
But, somehow understands.

Christmas was today
It was kind of a difficult thing
Winter does this to me...
But, thankfully, I have a great family
They can tolerate me and make me feel better

Today was a good day.

Energizer Bunny.

sigh.

Told mom.

"I think you're making a mistake"

I dread telling dad.

Peace.

The deed is practically done.

All I have to do now is wait for January 4th for the next step.
Well, that, and tell my parents.

I know that won't be an easy thing.
Why should it be so difficult?
I'm doing what I think is right for me
If I'm wrong, it's on my own head.

Sure, it's a risk, but if I don't take it, how will know if it's worth it?

So, I'm taking it.
Why?
Because it's my life.
I want to enjoy it while I have it
Instead of waiting around hoping for things to get better.

I'm making things better.
I deserve happiness.

In other news, I got Despicable Me today :)

Doors.

My mind is spilling all over itself.
So many things going on
So many emotions being felt
So many memories flooding my mind
Opportunities being presented
Some are easier to accept then others

I wish they were all easy.
That it was all just a matter of me getting over my fears and just taking a step
Doing what I want to do and not necessarily what other people say is best for me.

Maybe it is just that easy...
Maybe I've been the only one complicating things all along.
That Jesus is standing there telling me to just jump
and I'm the one that throws the wrench into everything
Then I try and find the explaination and where to point the blame.

I took a blind leap last Sunday.
I had wanted t be a part of my new church's Christmas drama they were putting on, but I had to be at a bonfire when they were doing the audition thingys.
On Sunday, they mentioned they needed some people for filler rolls.
Inside, I wanted to do it so badly
But inside, I was also battling so many fears and uncertainties.
My friend came up and told me I should do it, while another one challenged me. Something inside me said, "why don't you just do it?"
So I did.
I only knew the one person who was talking to me about it, but I did it.
So, I was standing there in my little filler roll, then I got pulled away to actually be a part with lines.
I had so much fun. It was one of the greatest things I've ever been a part of. I also met so many people in the church and am getting to know more, and now people know who I am...
I felt like I was part of an actual church family for the first time in I don't know how long.
Granted, I still felt a little out of place at some parts, probably mostly just because it was all new, and I didn't really know my boundaries and stuff
But, it was still so wonderful.

Winter has this affect on me.
It always seems significant.
It holds the most memories.
Sometimes it's difficult to get through...
But, this year feels different.
I want to get all I can in while I can
I want to take chances
I want to do things for me
things that make me happy.

Maybe I should just jump.

I'm not gonna worry

I'm not gonna worry

I'm not gonna worry

I'm not gonna worry

I'm not gonna worry

I'm not gonna over think

I'm not gonna over think

I'm not gonna over think

I'm not gonna over think

I'm not gonna over think.

It's out of my control.

I'm choosing to trust.

I'm not gonna worry
I'm not gonna worry
I'm not gonna worry
I'm not gonna worry
I'm not gonna worry

I'm not gonna over think
I'm not gonna over think
I'm not gonna over think
I'm not gonna over think
I'm not gonna over think.

It's out of my control.

I'm choosing to trust.

This was the best Thanksgiving. Hands down.

It goes down as the best. Most definitely.

My heart is so happy

This was the best Thanksgiving. Hands down.
It goes down as the best. Most definitely.

My heart is so happy

I feel like

Time and opportunities are slipping through my fingers.
I make the most of what I can
But there's only so much that can be done.

Once this day is gone, it's gone.
Who's to know what tomorrow holds?

Dear Friends.

I stayed up really late last night with a dear friend.
We were sharing our hearts.

It truly was a beautiful thing.

For me, this really means a lot. I take nights like that to heart.
It's like everything that I keep locked away deep inside, protected so as to not be trampled over was able to come to surface and be exposed.

This is a very risky thing.
It can be rejected, torn apart, stomped into the ground, ignored or misunderstood--amongst other things.
These are the very things that make up the core of who I am. My dreams, my desires, my inmost being. It's not something everyone sees everyday. It's not something everyone will know.
But, she does.
And she understands.
And she patiently listens to me rambling on and on about these things that only God knows all of and paper has an inkling towards.
It's deeper than I could even begin to explain.
But things were confirmed.
It's as if we went from the natural realm into the spiritual and were speaking and viewing the world through the eyes of our spirit.

It is time that is so valued.
Words can't even express.

My heart is overflowing. I tried journaling about it, but I don't know about the justice it does.
The best part?
Dear friend was there. She knows. She understands. She was there.

I am so beyond thankful.

Jesus, thank You for friends like this.

Fact:

Fact: Jesus loves me
Fact: I will fail you
Fact: I'm not very good at keeping up with people
Fact: My heart is pretty sensitive
Fact: I love my family
Fact: I battle fear often
Fact: I have a mosquito bite on my knee
Fact: I'm almost always thinking about multiple things
Fact: Everything has a point and long, extensive reasoning
Fact: I don't know what I want
Fact: I hear from God the most when I'm asleep or in the shower
Fact: Not many actually know me fully
Fact: I'm doing laundry
Fact: I'm mostly uncertain about thing right now
Fact: Crocheting calms me down, and makes me sleepy
Fact: Madea makes me smile
Fact: I like eating cookie dough
Fact: I have no idea what my future holds
Fact: I know Who holds my future
Fact: I love the smell of clean linen
Fact: I don't know how to cook
Fact: There are many better things I could be doing right now
Fact: My heart is heavy
Fact: I don't know...

So it seems.

A lot of unexpected the last few weeks
But, not in a way most people would notice.
I think this makes it more difficult
And easier
At the same time.

There are just some things I need to figure out on my own without anyones opinion.
I have found that if I speak, it just makes it worse, makes me feel guilty, and makes my head start spinning...
I apparently can't hide that something's going on, not to those close to me, at least. And, I mean, I am capable of it, but once I do I convince even myself that nothing is wrong. This continues until it explodes. And, that's never proved good.
So, even though I appreciate people's concern, sometimes it's just best if I don't speak about it...
But, when this happens, I feel bad, because I know my dear friend's hearts break knowing mine is, and they want to help...
...but reality is, sometimes saying nothing helps me more than trying to fix it with words.

Not all the time.
But, in this case.

I've had to take 15+ steps back to take a look at everything
At the choices at hand, and at what it will mean for my future.
I've had to realize the control of the future is not in my control, and I shouldn't be afraid to make risky decisions, but also that I must be wise in my decision making.
And I must make the decisions for me, not anyone else.

I don't have life completely figured out, I know I hurt a lot of people, and I know my current situations hurt my heart a lot, but I can't give up.
I must carry on.

Life is more than today.

welst.

Life sure has been rather interesting.
I've learned so much
and been faced with a lot...

The type of things that I can't really even journal about
which takes a lot.
But, you know, maybe it's good.
It's teaching me to confide fully in God for everything
I'm definitely okay with it.

I think it's funny that my head is tilted to the right as I type this
It's something I picked up from my roommate Jamie in Bible school, she would tilt her head when she was trying to decide if she liked the outfit she had on.

I guess it's my contemplative stance.

Hah.

I had many ideas of what to write the next time I had Internet access
but it appears that life's happenings have caused me to come up short.

At least I journal
So, although you don't have the privilege of reading it--yet--it's still at least recorded.

I feel like I'm being cold to people.
This is mean.
Maybe I should put on a jacket so my shoulder won't be so cold...

Meh.
The right people will break through the ice that's formed.

Determined.

For those of you who don't know
I used to be really sick.

Long story short, I couldn't eat anything without being completely miserable.
Pains in the stomach, headaches, misery...
If I could throw up, I would have.

I'm fine now.
I prayed, God healed me. Life is great.

Found out the next week that a lady who banks with us had to take her son to the ER for the exact same symptoms.
He has a brain tumor.

Learned a friend of mine's sister once had a brain tumor
and now has all the exact same symptoms...

But, the doctors don't know what to do...

My heart breaks. It's such a miserable feeling, especially when everything seems hopeless.

So, I'm determined
Someway, somehow to find the answer
How does a brain tumor connect with digestion?
And what's more, how was mine corrected by not hyperextending my legs anymore?

Some day I want to start a foundation to fund research for this.
There has to be an answer.

I'm determined to find that answer.

"It was kind of embarrassing"

That's what my co-worker said.
"It was kind of embarrassing"

What was he referring to?
Christian Music.

My heart broke.

Not only because he was referring to a song about my Best Friend, my Savior, my Deliver, my Healer, my Everything
but that I knew what he meant.

One of our co-workers is on vacation.
Since she has been, the other two changed the radio station to a local rap and R&B station from the country music we usually have it on.
I tolerated it at first, but the morning I opened, I changed to to the Christian radio station I used to volunteer at.
I noticed a difference in my temperment and everything.
It was one of the first times I can actually remember leaving work happy.

The next day when the other co-worker was there, he didn't say anything about the station being different
Until I came back from lunch.
He said,
"There was a construction worker guy in here, and they were playing some kind of kumbya kinda song that seemed like it would be played around a campfire... I just kinda stood there like... *insert face showing awkwardness* I was kinda embarrassed..."

I know the songs he's referring to. It's the ones from back when Christian music first became a genre. Granted, they can seem pretty old school...
But... I mean, did you even listen to the words?
Those old school songs are dripping with gratitude and love for my Savior.
They express the very things that God is all about
Love, Peace, Compassion
the Passion Jesus has for us
The importance of His Word
and much much more.

It's not our place to deem music embarrassing or not if it's talking about our Savior.
That should be reason enough to love it.
Does that make sense?

It's people's choice if they don't like it. We shouldn't be embarrassed to play it.
If they want to ask my why, I'll tell them
I have plenty of stories of ways Jesus has changed my life


I don't really know if this makes sense as to what I feel
but.
My Jesus is not embarrassing
And, granted, I'm not perfect, but I'm doing my best to not let anything hold me back in expressing how great God really is

The hardest is fear
especially the fear of man
and people's opinions

but, they're mere mortals
what can they do to me?

My spirit lives forever.

honestly.

Who am I, anyway?
I certainly don't know.

I find myself comparing myself to people
which mankes me feel like I'm not good enough at anything
I know this is ridiculous, but really, who am I kidding?

Why do I even try?

I'm nothing special.
Honestly.

And, I know this is ridiculous for me to be blasting all over the internet.
But, ironically, this is the one place I can put this stuff
Where I feel like I'm heard, without anyone really knowing about it.

When will this all stop?
What am I doing wrong?

Where's my opportunity?
Have I been presented with plenty I just haven't taken?
Am I spreading myself too thin?

What do you get when you cross a Hippo, Elephant and a Rhino?

Same answer.

Hell if I know. (Hellephino)

Regret.

I woke up contemplative today.
I guess my weekend has opened my mind and heart to many a-thing.

I started thinking about recent times I've used the word "regret"
What things I considered to be regretable.
Times I didn't spend with people
Decisions I made
Things I said
Things I didn't say

People I may have hurt
People I didn't give a chance to

So many things I could consider regretable.

Then, I really thought about it.

I've found the best things in my life to be the things I didn't expect.
You know, those things that come about so perfectly that you can only look back and wonder "How did this even happen?"
Friendships you never expected
Opportunities you never saw coming
Right place, right time kind of things.

So, if these things that find there way are the perfect things
Why do I try so hard?
Why do I try and take control
Make things happen
Get upset when life doesn't make sense?

The best things in life are the things that find their own way.

In this realization, I noticed that actuality is that my biggest regret is regret.
There's a reason I made the decisions I did
It was a different time
I was different that day then I have grown to be now.
Even though, in retrospect I may have done something differently
there's something about how I did things that day that got me to where I am today.

Things won't always be perfect
but I choose to believe they'll always be the way they're suppose to be
As long as you're doing what you're suppose to be doing
Doing the best you can.

So, to all my friends that just happened
The ones I look back on and wonder, "how did we even meet?"
I thank you.
If something happens in the future that causes us to grow apart
I just want to thank you for the time we have now.
I don't regret it.
Even if pain is in the future.
Who's to know what tomorrow holds anyway?
Ultimately, we can't control it.
So why try?

Let's just enjoy the heck out of today.
While we still have it
Before more time passes and life takes us all sorts of places.

Enjoy today for you.
However that may be.
Whethere it's doing something planned
Going on some trip
Or just watching movies at home
Or sitting in a coffee shop
Or meet up for 15 minutes in between classes.

Life is what you make it, but it's also what it makes of you.
You can't control everything.
Why not leave that to Jesus?

life. life. life.

Super busy as of late.
It makes me sad that I can't spend more time with people.
I guess I'm still in a TBI state of mind, and forget that I'm actually in the real world where I have a job I go to for eight hours daily.
That I have a schedule I must abide by.
That I can't please everyone.

That's been a new one for me, actually.
I mean, I know I can't please everyone
but, that's a hard thing for me to grasp.

Sometimes I just feeling like I'm failing people important to me. And, I don't know what to do about it.
It's really impossible to explain.
so, I won't try.
Hah.

But, I'm trying new things
so that's good.
It scares me
but if I'm not scaring myself, then what is life, really?
Boring.
That's what it is.

Plenty of thoughts are going through my head.
Don't think I could try and write a meaningful blog even if I wanted

Yesterday.

Yesterday was a really hard day.

I had planned on going to my house to spend time with my family since they were out of state for my birthday. We have this birthday dinner tradition, and since they missed it, this was a good day to make it up.
When I drove up, I honked at my dad. He waited for me before going into the house from the shop, and hugged me when I parked.
Something felt different, but I had no idea why.
He hugged me
longer than usual.
Maybe he just really missed me?
I pulled away and looked in his eyes
"I have some not so great news"
I thought about the dogs and what had been said before
that if my dog Faith attacked the outside dog April that we'd have to kill Faith
or maybe April just died of old age...
he said
"Your dog is no longer with us"

my heart sunk.

my first reaction was to just fight it.
You knew this would happen
Why should it come as a shock?
Just be okay.
You knew it was coming.

Then dad hugged me again.
And I cried.

He started telling me about it.
How Faith had gotten out, and how Chad tried everything he could to get her off of April.
How Chad felt so guilty and my sister was blaming herself.

It no ones fault... it was bound to happen...

I was looking forward to seeing her.
My week had been rough, and I had really just wanted some kind of constant. Something sure.
My dog knew me better than any human.
If no one could see something was wrong with me, she knew.
And now she's gone.
And it's not like a human where you have the confidence of heaven.

I can't pet her.
She can't lick my face.
She wasn't waiting for me at the door when I got there
I remembered the look of concern on her face when I started packing my car the last time I was home
as if she was saying
"Why are you leaving me?"
"Why again?"
I wanted so badly to take her with me...

It was my fear that when I moved out, something like this would happen
either with her or with my family.
And it happened.

I'm trusting God,
that maybe this is for the best
That maybe I should stop being selfish...
My dad could have had a heart attack...
...I don't know what I'd do without him...

There's just so much emotion
So much I'm feeling right now
So much uncertainty.

I trust God.
I do.
I know I'll be okay.
It's just a dog.
All the ties that were to her will eventually heal.

I just need some time.

Flyleaf.

I went to the Flyleaf concert last night
I've always loved their music, for numerous reasons, but now I respect them all the more.

It was one of those concerts where you leave honored to listen to their music.

You can see the passion and humility all over each of them. It's like it's no one else but them and God there. And it wasn't about them, it was all to God's glory.

They meant more to me than I can say on such a public blog
even though I only have 4 followers
one day I may have more.
who knows.

But still.
Their lyrics are beyond powerful, and are deeper than pretty much anyone dares to go.
They speak right to my soul and my spirit.
And give me a feeling that I can't even begin to explain.
They make me feel understood.

Memento Mori.

Happy Birthday.

Tomorrow is my birthday.
I really never know how to feel about them
and, honestly, I'm kinda looking forward to it being over...
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to feel that my day is special to me
and in a lot of ways it is
I mean, come on...
It's elephant appreciation day
Dear Diary Day
and the day the ice cream cone was invented.

That's me in a nut shell.

And it's also my birthday day.
The day that I turn the age that is the coordinating number of the day I was born
(22 on the 22nd)
I've been looking forward to this since I figured out when I was about 8 or 9 years old.

Anyways.
Something I've noticed about people when they have a birthday is that they say "Thank You, God, for giving me another year."
Umm... how do you know?
not that God has given it to you, because I know He makes every morning
But that fact that you have another year.
a whole 365 days.
I mean, honestly, it's not garanteed...
Granted, most people will see the next entire year
But, we aren't invincible.

I'm not meaning to sound morbid, or depressing, or whatever
Just meaning to put things into perspective.

So, as my birthday approaches tomorrow
I choose to thank God for giving me that day.
Another one.
Another opportunity to live for Him.
To be His hands and feet.
That's all my heart desires...
To be His hands, feet, arms and heart.

Thank You, Jesus, for another day to do just that.
:)

One of those days.

Not necessarily bad, just rather contemplative.

My heart is kinda heavy, but most of the time I choose not to acknowledge it. I guess I've convinced myself that it will make it all go away, perhaps fix everything.
It hasn't.
Regardless, I don't know what to do about it.
I guess I shall do nothing at all.
Still, I feel like it's my fault
afterall, it must be, right? Since I'm the one that doesn't understand anyway.
Now, of course the song that comes on is one of those that reminds me of you.
Maybe this is nothing...
Your tweets, tumblrs, and facebooks suggest otherwise.

Why does life have complications?
Why can't it just be happy.
I mean, life isn't perfect right now, work's a little difficult, I don't make enough money
But it's happy.
Generally.
So, why can't this go away?
Why do I feel guilt?

These are the things I like to just shrug
the ones that I hope to be just nothing that time won't fix
but in the end, they seem to be the ones that become something...

So I sit
at my round table in the corner
wishing I was better hidden, but grateful to be able to watch the people
it makes me feel a little less alone
that everything will be okay.
The comfort of a room full of strangers.

It's raining, it's pouring...

No. Really.
It's been raining almost non-stop all weekend.
well, it kinda stopped on Friday, off and on. And yesterday, there may have been one time it wasn't raining.
But today, not as long as I've been paying attention

am I upset? not at all! I'm actually quite contented with this :)
Now, it will be a little unpleasent if I'm not able to make it to work, because I don't get paid for weather days... so to get money I may have to risk my life. But that's okay.
It's suppose to continue to rain all week.
My birthday is Wednesday. I really hope it rains that day.
It would pretty much make my day.
:)

Living moved out has been great. It wasn't until recently that I even gave a second thought to insecurities. I'm trying to not let them get the best of me.

I caught myself yesterday saying, "I love too many people..."
Because... I mean... there are so many people that I love, that mean a lot to me...and I'm so busy all the time, I feel like I can't keep up with them. It's especially sucky when really important ones seem to distance. I don't know what to do. and I feel like it's all my fault...

Then I caught myself saying, just a few hours later, "Man, I just love people..."
Because knowing people and enjoying them just makes me so happy.

So, what is my deal?
I realized today that I really don't like being alone.
I mean, I do, but I don't.
I'm with myself 24/7. And I want to enjoy the people I have in my life while I have them...

It's a complicated thing...

If I die young...

Tell my mom she was right. And that I married the most amazing Husband you could ever dream or fathom. That He is wealthy, because He owns the cattle on a thousand hills...
Thank her for me. Because she's the greatest mom, and raised me to love God and listen to His voice.

Tell my dad I love him. That his baby girl is safe from all harm. Tell him he's the greatest dad anyone could ever ask for, and thank you for everything he's given me.

Tell my sister that she's the greatest sister I could have ever asked for, and that I'm so glad we're sisters and friends. Tell her I'm sorry that she doesn't have another sister now...

Tell my brother in law he's the bomb.com. That he's the best brother I've ever known. Tell him that it's okay. Tell him not to hold a grudge against whoever did this to me.

Tell my Grandma that Grandpa says hello, and that I love her greatly

Tell my family that they're the best.

Tell my friends I miss them and love them.

Tell the world about Jesus

How

How did I ever move to Delaware?
I have no idea.
Maybe I was just more heartless then.
Or maybe it's just different now.
Maybe I can sense deep down somewhere that things are different this time...

This is hard
Because I'm a feeler
And I'm a softy.
I'm fighting off fear that this is the last time I'll see normalcy like this.
Like, something's going to happen that I don't know.

God wouldn't lead me into this next step unless He was guiding and going before me.

I might cry.

Gosh, I'm so lame.
My house is literally 40 minutes away.
When I moved last time, they were 27 hours away.

Maybe the extreme made it easier.
That's probably why I find myself being an extremist...
It's the in between that's the hardest.
Kinda like with seasons in life
It's the in between...

I just have to trust I'll be okay.

Heck, I could back out if I wanted to.

I have no idea where my life is heading...

This is it.
I could turn back
And every childish fear in me is screaming to
But, there is no backing out now.
I've had too many dreams
There's too many unknowns to explore.

I gotta suck it up and enjoy the journey.

oops.

I'm supposed to be taking pictures in about an hour.
I'm just now starting to pack...
To move in.

Oh man.
Time has gotten away from me today...

I feel like I'm stuck in two different times.
Like two worlds are colliding.

It's a little overwhelming.

Oh well!
It'll prove great

so it begins.

I start moving out tomorrow.
I'm excited and nervous at the same time
I know it's going to be good, that this experience is one that will be good for me
But I know at the same time, it's gonna be a little difficult.
New things are always difficult.
But, it's a good difficult...

I know I'm going to learn a lot about myself.

I realize I'm having a...not really hard...but... whatever the adjective would be time with this, because I never thought I'd get this far.
And so I don't know what to do.
But, here's where faith and trust in God come in

:)

I write to no one.

So, things have been rather difficult.
I haven't written about it--not even on paper--because I can't seem to find the words to explain it.
But I can't deny that it's there.
That there's a battle being fought.

The good thing about this?
The battle is being fought.
I haven't given up
I refuse to just play dead
I refuse to believe any less than victory.
It may take some time to get there, but I will.
It's promised to me.

I'm nervous about a few things.
Concerned with a few others.
But I'm trying not to get myself too worked up about it.
There isn't much I can do about it anyway.

I don't even know

things can't ever just go smoothly, can they?

funny thing is, it's such a big deal now. Give it a few months, I won't remember what this post is about.

Unless, it's like the only other time I've said that, and it blew up into some big deal.

psh.

whatev.

Me.

I have the pleasure and pain of bearing a burden bigger than anyone can ever realize.
This is a paraphrase of a quote I once saw on someone's twitter.
It is so true.

I wish people could see my heart.
That they could truly understand who I am
What I know
What I see
How I think
Hear my heart as it cries...

It really has become a sensitive vessel...
It's been a hard thing to adjust to, but I know it's an adjustment well worth making.
When I people watch
I cry.
There was a commercial that made me cry the other day...really? have I gotten that lame?
But, it's just a part of who I am.
People. People make me cry.
People make my heart cry.
Make my heart cry out to God for them.
To touch their hearts
To open their eyes
To save their souls in a way only He can do...

I've often heard stories of people who had "prayin' Grandma" or whatever...
Well, what about those people who don't?
What about those people who are just lost...and so is everyone around them?
Who will pray them in?
I will.

They may not know it, and I may not either. But there are some people I see, and just feel inclined to pray for. For some reason.
I'll write about them sometimes. Write out the prayer, to have some sort of reference.

Of these, I've actually met one.
After she met Jesus--I believe it was two weeks after--she ended up sitting by me at the net.
And now she is one of my dearest friends.
I thank God for His hand in our friendship. It truly is valuable.

I know a lot of people. There are many that are dear to me. Each person holds a special place in my heart, and with each person, I instill a little bit of myself--whether they know it or not.
And, I believe, if you were to get them all together and have them share what they understand of me, collectively, you'd have me. Who I am.
Now, this can't happen.
So, I will just remain a mystery.

But, if anyone ever tried to understand the depths that are Emilee Marie Ayers, I do believe their minds would be blown.
Get past what you see
Past the surface
Past the defense
And see the deeper me...
There's a lot to be offered.

I just don't think people can handle it.

Not to say I'm anything great, or that I'm someone important
I'm not.
And I like it that way.
I like when people don't know my name
I hate being forgotten...but, I like not being known.
That's how it's supposed to be.

There are big things inside of me.
Big dreams.
Big callings.
Big visions.
Big ideas.
Big humor.
Big pains.
Big random thoughts.

It scares me that there wasn't one thing that someone doesn't know about me...
But not one person truly knows everything.
I think that scares me.
Because I have found once I get too close to someone, I pull away.
I'm not sure as to why.

But I'm learning to be like Mary
and "Treasure all these things in my heart"
rather than offer them to any ear tolerant enough to hear the words spill from my mouth.

It's teaching me to actually trust God to take care of me
instead of searching for people's opinions.

I like it :)

Maybe one day people will see who I am.
hah, maybe one day I'll see what people see in me...
because I honestly think that is more rare...
I don't think I see what other people do.
That is why I doubt myself
that is why I fear
that's why I get self-conscious.
But I wonder, if I did see myself that way
if I would be who I am...
or if I would get too proud and cocky and lose sight of me...

I guess we'll never know.

Bambi loves me.

no matter what ur still beautiful inside and out :) i love you!!!! ive honestly never seen someone love people the way u dooo its amazing cuz u shine of jesus soooo much its like seeing u with a huge glow behind u that breaks ur heart in a good way.. (: just breaks u down cuz when u hug its like jesus himself hugging like in church when u hugged me and i had alot going on it broke me when i as in ur arms it just felt safe peace and love and it will be okay...ur amazing love i just want u to know i love u and apprciate u!

sometimes I wish...

Sometimes I wish I could just, start my life over.
or at least parts of it.

My life doesn't make sense.
It doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
It doesn't seem to have much of a point.

I find myself hurt, and a little lost.
Once again.

I feel replaced.
I feel pointless.
Yet, when I do something different, I have people texting me and calling me and telling me they miss me and not wanting me to leave.
But, if I don't, then I feel pointless.
I already feel replaced.

There's so much I don't understand.
There's so many things that scare me...

When do I do stuff for me
And when do I take other people into consideration?

What place does family really take?
I love them. They mean the world to me. I finally have a good relationship with them...
...but now... I don't understand.

Jesus is my only constant.
The only Surety that I have.
The only One I can truly depend on.
The only One that always gives me good advice and guidance, with my best interests really in mind.

So, whatever happens.

He's my life.

So, I've realized.

I've been wasting so much time.

I haven't even journaled about this yet, but the realization is almost overwhelming.

Really? Where has fear gotten me?
Alone, insecure, feeling worthless, amongst other things.

It's cost me time. Besides in the obvious, but I'm realizing now that there are so many friendships that are developing into very beautiful things...but I'm just now realizing this when I've known these beautiful people for a year or two.
That's a year or two of beautiful memories wasted...

I am thankful that I'm realizing this before they're gone.
Time is too precious to wait.
And, who's to say that I would have been able to handle it... with how I was before, I'd probably be too embarassed to have tried...but that was all caused by fear.

Well, today is a new day.
I'm taking my life back.
I'm doing things for me, things that might not make sense to other people, but that are necessary for my life to go the way that actually brings me peace and happiness.
Sure, it'll be ever changing.
But, that's okay.
It'll still be happy.

So, here's to taking my life back.

a dream my friend had.

"I just woke up from a 3 hour nap and you were in my dream.. lifting your hands worshiping at a concert, standing on a chair."

Growth.

I might be (as in more than likely, pretty much am) moving out with my friend Chrissy until she gets married.
It's pretty much a no lose situation on my part. I talked with her, and it's a really great opportunity. She has opened up her heart to me to truly help me out with this.

So, why the delay?
I'm terrified.

I didn't expect so many of these emotions would arise from all this. Emotions I thought I had gotten rid of long ago.
Feelings of not being worthy.
Feelings of immense fear.
Feelings of worry
...whether she'd get sick of me
...whether I'd get hurt again
...whether my parents are truly up for this
...whether I'll be screwed financially with all these things I'm finding myself needing ( a new laptop asap, a flash for my canon by October)

I talked with my friend Megan about it. She's the same personality type as I am, and so I know she understands all these stupid emotions I find myself working through.
I was able to be transparent with her, even with my stupidest fears, and know that she would give me an honest answer, and one that's not biased.

She really comforted me in this decision
That it's not my parents life, it's mine. Their opinion has worth, but may not hold all the answers.
That it's a safe place for rick. Chrissy is probably the most loving person I've met, and I know she'd be open to my flaws and understand that I have them.
That when I follow Jesus, He's gonna take care of me. He won't let me go, He won't leave me stranded.
It was very comforting.

So, now I'm working to getting my mindset as a sound one. I don't want to let this get to me.
Mind over matter.
I'll be fine. And I'm sure at the end of it all, I'll be sad it's over.

This is a step of faith.
Maybe it holds all the things I've been praying fro.
And, if it doesn't?
That's okay, too.
I trust Jesus. I want His desires for me, and I want Him to change my desires to match His.

A sky without clouds is rather boring...

I mean, sure, blue sky is pretty and all
But, without even one cloud in the sky... it's pretty boring...
I always say I have a favorite kind of cloud, but, truth is, I say it about every kind.
I think they're all really pretty, and have different artistic values.
I love when all the different kinds are meshed into one sky.
With loads of different shades and colors
Usually mixed with a sunrise or sunset.

So, why am I saying all of this?

Because, it's kinda like life...

If everything was super duper all the time, life would be pretty boring.
I don't think we'd appreciate what we have.
Clouds and storms are what make life beautiful.
It's when we learn the most
It's when we figure out who we are
Who we really are.

I heard someone say today that Moss doesn't grow on the top of the mountain, it grows in the valleys.
We grow in the valleys, not in the victories
So, we have to learn to love the valleys, the clouds, the whatever other metephor you can come up with.

Love it :)

yeah, about that.

I've come to a realization.
That life is far less complicated when I'm not worried.
Particularily, when I'm not worried about people.

Yes, I know, I am aware that this life is all about people--which I'm totally game for--but why worry about people in a way I'm not supposed to?
I need to stop trying to be something or someone I'm not.

A little concern in the back of my head is that they won't like me anymore.
That they'll think I'm mad at them.
Truth is, I'm not.
Maybe before I had forced the friendship, or...something.
Heck, I really don't know.
But, whatever happens with everyone just... happens.

Part of me feels the need to apologize.
Another part tells me not to worry about it.

The whole not worry thing makes me feel a whole heck of a lot better.
But what if it back fires on me? And I realize I made them feel bad?
Well... I'm not responsible for their reaction, just my action, right?

Heck, I really don't know.

I'm pretty much sucking at life as it is, might as well make it a little easier on me.

Something has to happen soon. Because if not. Well, I don't know what's gonna happen.

I'm just focused on my Jesus.
Focusing on Him makes everything soooo much easier.
I just wish I had more hours in the day to get everything done that I need to.

My life is a bittersweet symphony...

So, we just got back from spending the weekend at Discovery Camp.
It was beyond amazing, Jesus really showed up and took over, and I know none of our youth came back the same.
Honestly, I've been nervous about it for a while, now. So many emotions are swirling around my head, and I wasn't quite sure how it would all pan out. I trusted that it would go well, because if not, I would have stayed home.

I wish I could have just journaled every moment, so I wouldn't forget any of it. I have most of it down now, but still have much more to write about, and I'm sure I forgot some details. I wrote the first night, and then twice today (once before first service, then the entire drive home) and I still have more to get down.

Seeing my friends up there went very well--better than I expected--and I even ran into some people I didn't expect to see there. Including Christina Millman. :) That really made my day. I haven't seen her in forever, and she is just great, so anytime I see her is automatically ten times better than normal.

I cried a lot. I remember when I would never cry... now, I find myself modeling that whole situation after that of my first year RA. I remember seeing her when she found out her best friend was pregnant. She sat on her bed and cried.
After she cried, she apologized. I told her apologizing was unnecessary, because in reality, she was showing me how to be a real leader. Feel. You're created to feel. Don't fight it. Don't dwell on it, either, but don't push it aside thinking it'll be out of sight, out of mind.

I found myself perplexed often. So many different things going on in my head all at once can get pretty demanding on a person, but He told me,
"Don't worry. Things are going to get better when you get home. because you deserve it."
and,
"Let your heart trust the Lord."
I also sat down with my dear friend Courtney, and gave her a brief synopsis of everything, and you could just see her heart was full of compassion. And talking to her, I actually felt peace. Like, for some reason I knew and believed everything would be okay... That there was hope...
She prayed for me, and it really meant the world to me. She is a high quality individual. I remember the first time we met. :) I really am proud of her.

Anyways. This whole experience has held many bittersweet moments.
We were in my old dorm, with my old room... Flashbacks seemed to never end.
I'm also faced with pressure, and all the guilt in stuff for myself...
Anyways...
I miss that place. And all the encouragement simply standing on the grounds brings.
Life could be literally falling apart at the seems. You step on those grounds, you're at peace.

The hard thing is knowing that I'm not supposed to be there. That Jesus told me, "I'll give you the desires of your heart, but you can't reach everything I've called you to here."
So, I'm back home.
I literally have no idea what my point in life is.

But, I'll still hold on.
Things will work out. they always do... Always

Words change the world.

I was reading a blog of a Rockette
And it got me to thinking...
What if I wrote without worrying what people who read thought about it?
What if I really wrote what was on my heart and mind
And not take a moment to apologize.
Is what I write me, or isn't it?
Because if it isn't, what's the point of writing it?

I feel.
I'm not perfect.
I'm sure I'll say things that'll hurt people
But, I'm sure those people hurt by my words will also one day hurt someone with theirs...
I mean, I shouldn't blatently be rude, but I'm not always going to be successful.
Everyone is different in how they take things anyways...

I have a total of two followers.
Two.
2.
Dos.
That's it.
And, to top it off, I don't even know them
(but, hey, thanks for following me :D)
I've been so afraid for people to see this.
The feeling of exposure.
Like it's proof saying, "Hey, Emilee's not perfect! She has faults! Come see!"
But, then again, if I didn't want people to know, why would I blog?
Surely someone could find this if they wanted to.

But, who knows? My words could actually hold value...
Sure, I'm not much.
I'm not very profound.
But, I'm not you.
Which automatically gives me a different edge
Just because chances are I see things a little differently.
Or, if not, I'm someone you can relate to.

So, why hold it back?
Why hide this thing any longer?

I have something to say
why be afraid to say it?

One day, I'm going to die
We all are.
And isn't it funny that we seem to only get taken seriously after we're gone
And we don't have a mouth to move to form any more words?
All that's left is what we left behind.

One day, these words will hold meaning.
That's why I blog.
I have two followers now
But one day, someone I may not have even ever known will come across these words, read them, and maybe even be inspired.
Heck, I don't feel very inspirational, but who knows?

Maybe just exposing my flaws can help someone feel a little more normal.

So, here I am world.
I'm flawed.
I make mistakes.
I'll probably hurt and disappoint you.
But, I'm more than that.
I'm one little life
But I'm letting Jesus take control of it.
He's teaching me new things every day.

My life is His.
As imperfect and corrupt as it is...
But, I'm trying my best to make it an offering even remotely worthing of anything.
He loves me. Imperfections and all.
:)
And He loves you.
Best part is, He wants you imperfect... He wants you real...
He wants you.

"my mom likes you =)
she said...your friend emilee is sooooo sweet"

I love it :)
It really means a lot to hear things like this...

Should be lookin' forward.

I'm human.
I'm imperfect.
I screw up.
I love.
I hurt.
I get confused
And I'm sure I confuse plenty.

So, why I can't I just accept this fact and move forward toward the future?

I feel extremely guilty about it.
I shouldn't.
I'm forgiven.
I've even asked forgiveness from the people I hurt.
Even though it took me a while to realize what I did.
Years, in some cases.

So, why does it still bother me?
I don't know...
I guess because I don't understand
And I don't want it to happen again.

I've had some pretty great friends slip away.
Because of stupid differences and petty arguments.
Now, I wonder what even happened...
Some, I can pinpoint reasons.
Some I can't.
Either way, I miss them.
I miss the memories.

Why don't I just accept I can't have what once was
and move on.

I have plenty to be grateful for here and now.

I guess I'm just afraid it'll become like everything else.
Because I suppose it's all I've known.

I can't let fear run my life anymore.
I'm a new me.
I wish I could just start over.
Have everyone forget the me they know, and just become a new person.

If only it was that easy.

Jesus is the same

Jesus has really been working on my heart lately.
At prayer on Thursday... man, I wasn't expecting what He did for me.
Prayer went...pretty late. But we got into this Holy Spirit laugh fest, which I haven't experienced since Pastor Glenn had his church, Petra. From there, he went over and prayed for Lizette. I just kinda sat there, taking in the whole moment. I was pretty overwhelmed with Jesus, in a way I haven't been in a while.
Then, Pastor Glenn came up to me.
He started praying for me, and declaring peace over me... and countless other things. It was completely unexpected, but it began to chip away at the hard surface that my heart had become.
All the worries, all the fears, all the weight, it began to fall away.

"Why do you insist on carrying a burden that isn't yours to bear? Give it to Me, it's what I died for."
"You're doing the right thing."
"How much do you love me? You say you do, but do you truly love me? More than anyone else in your life, even your closest friend? Don't worry about them...don't worry about pleasing them, or if you're doing the right thing, or if they'll get upset...this isn't about you and them, it's about you and Me."

Those are just a few things God told me.
It was very reassuring...

Then, Friday, life got me all shook up.
I tried to fight to cling to the words from the day before, but I felt like I was swept up in a tornado. I was suffocating under people's opinions.
This was something I had dealt with before, but in another way...
Before it was "Am I good enough for them? Am I pretty enough? Do I say the right things?"
Now it had become, "Am I there enough for everyone? I want to do this, but if I do, then they might not like it, and I need for them to approve. Maybe I'll just get their opinion, see what they think... but what if they don't agree? Am I enough for everyone? Am I happy enough? Do I encourage enough? Do I come around enough? Do I sacrifice enough?"
Way too much pressure for one person to handle.

How about I just do what God tells me, no matter what...no matter who it may hurt, or who may not understand--that's not mine to handle, it's God's... I'm just supposed to walk where He leads me, and let Him take care of the rest.

It's not always easy, but it's right.
Who knows? Where I would naturally have compromised to keep a friendship might just be supporting them in a place in their walk they're not supposed to be in... And, honestly, that's not a very good friend... I mean, yeah, you want to be there for them and all, but you don't want to justify their sin, or whatever you want to call it.

Not saying that these people are sinning, because, honestly, I don't know. And I think that's what's made it so hard. I don't know what's going on, so I don't know how I'm supposed to act.
I'm like an actor without a script.
Not anymore.
Now I shall be like when Mrs. Rachel would call us on stage and have us exort the congregation without any warning. When she did that, you had to fully rely on God and God alone. No one else could give you what to say.
So, I'm throwing away the temptation of a script at all
I'm going scriptless

That's full trust.

Sometimes, I wish all this would go away. So that way, life would be easy, and I wouldn't have to worry about anything.
But, then, what would I learn? Nothing about myself. Nothing about trust.
Nothing that God has shown me the past three days.

He's working everything out.
He continuously calms my anxious heart.

He is my everything.
Thank You, Jesus.

a few things I don't want to forget.

"11:12pmMelissa
yea you never know maybe he had you there to touch someones life! (which you are good at doing!)"
"11:09pmMelissa
so i will be definitely praying!
you have to do what the lord is leading you to do even though i guarantee people will be offended and not understand!"

"11:19pmMelissa
ps your letter from the wedding really encouraged me and made me tear"

That meant so much to me.
Made me feel like I'm doing something right...
Thank You, Jesus, for people like this...

Such is life.

Uncertain.
I feel as though the carpet has been pulled from under me.
So many key things in my life have been shaken, and even though some things still remain, I'm uneasy about them.
This has already happened once before.
It scares me.

I'm afraid I've just been lying to myself. Making up things and making myself believe them to take the sting out of life.

I'm really feeling like a failure. With a lot of things. I know there are so many things I could have done better, and now I can't fix it. I just feel like apologizing to so many people. For not beign better.
There's so many things my heart longs for, and it seems that those things I long to be and do, I just throw out the window.
And I don't think these lies are helping any.

Maybe I should just start life over.
Or just stay away from everyone until everything progresses enough for me to pick back up on.

This meant the world to me.

"so I'm teaching VBS at my church and the main girl in all the skits reminds me of you sooo much! long blond hair, big smile, super energetic and oozing with the love of God"

tonight.

Was one of the best nights of my life.
So wonderful, that I can't seem to make myself go to sleep...even though I have work in the morning...
I spent it with my dear friends Betty Jean Mata, Sarah Spencer, Jenn Garibay, and Joanna Cardenas.
Really, there are no words to describe what this evening meant to me
What these girls mean to me
What their friendship means to me.

They support my dreams.
They care about my dreams.
They care about me.
They love me.
It's just a friendship that can't be described...
...it's what I've prayed for my whole life.

I felt like I was in a movie.

Jesus, You are so wonderful for bringing them into my life.
Thank You so much...

I feel like throwing up.

Why is that?
What the heck is my deal?
Things are going well except this one thing.
What is my problem?
It seems to just be me.
I feel like a failure.
I feel like I suck.
Like I'm wrong.
and now like I'm alone in this.

What the heck am I supposed to do?

Everything else is great.
I'm full time now, which is wonderful and scary.
Just this one freakin' thing.
I thought it was fixed, why is this still an issue?

Is that why I want to move out? To try to escape the issue?
I just want everything I'm promised...
I don't want to hurt anymore.

My heart is overflowing...

I was prophecied over at the Missions conference this weekend.
Now I'm in this state, where I want to shout from the rooftops, and I want everyone to know about everything inside of me...
...but I treasure them all up in my heart
the way it's supposed to be.

I'm just overflowing...
people have no idea how wonderful and how glorious my God is to me! He loves me with an everlasting love, He only wants to prosper me, He has called me to something bigger than me, He graces me to do His will
ahhh, so wonderful!

When I woke up, I came downstairs, and mom said she was expecting me to come into their room last night.
I asked why
and she said there was a bad storm that passed through.
At one time the thunder was so loud, it sounded like it was in our yard. That lightning was striking our property...

...I must be at peace to have slept through that

Thank You, Jesus! :)

The American Dream is a Nightmare.

Not sure of how much sense this will all make to you, but in my head, it is clear as a bell.

Thought one:
Homeless people--people who have lost everything--seem to be the biggest givers.

I was reading an article about a person who lost everything they had. And they found themselves sitting next to a homeless person who--also having nothing--gave them the one thing he did have.
I don't remember the details of what it was, but this hit me.

Think about it.
The homeless person, they don't have anything. This is what they've become, they just learn to deal with it. But, if you were to lose everything and end up on the streets tomorrow, it would be a complete new adjustment to you. But, the homeless person is content in what he has, but knowing that you aren't, he'd rather give you what you feel you need then to keep it for himself. It has more value giving it away then it does keeping it.

I don't know how much you give...but for me, I find the biggest sense of joy and peace and...fulfillment when I give to someone else.
In high school, someone caught on, because if I had a bad day, I would find someone that was having a bad day and make them brownies. It always made me feel so much better knowing that someone else's day got a little brighter.
Then, one day, they sabotaged me--not even realizing I was having such a hard day--three of them, one unbeknownst to the other two, and completely made my day.
I have never forgotten what they did for me that day. I don't think they realized just how much it meant to me.
It's like that quote, "People may not remember what you say, but they'll remember how you made them feel."
This anonymous person must be pretty wise.

which leads into thought two:
You have more influence then you realize.
This hit me today while listening to the heart of one of our youth that I am so privileged to call one of my very good friends.
I was trying to find the word to describe her.
She has got to be one of the biggest jewels in our youth group. And you know what? not many people would realize it. At least, not many of the "big named" people, or whatever.
But really, she is wise far beyond her years. Her heart is bigger than Texas, and listening to her is when this thought popped into my head.
But in comparing her to other youth, what makes her stand out?
She gets it.
She gets what life is really about.
It's not about stupid petty things that are hear today, and old news tomorrow...
She knows she's not perfect, but that's okay. That what matters is if she can help someone, she will.
She has heart.
Sadly, something so many people are missing.

But think about it.
This is a rather risky thing.
I was talking to another one of our precious youth today, whom I am also privileged to call a friend. She just cried as she watched people love on Jesus. She didn't know why, but her heart is just so big, and she understood the value those moments hold for people. Having a big heart is a risky thing. You often get hurt, walked all over, and pour all you have into someone just to have them leave you or throw it back in your face amongst other things...it's a risk.
but it's a risk that's worth it.
That's what people are missing.

It's okay to get hurt. To get walked all over. To pour out everything you have into someone just to have them leave and throw it back in your face.
It's okay to take the risk of love and compassion.

And really, it's the most worth it thing I've ever known.
It reaps benefits and joy like nothing else can.
I don't care if anyone ever knows my name. I don't care if I ever obtain some fancy title, or win any kind of award. That means nothing to me.
But to know that I can sit down with someone, and know that they can trust me. To know that they can find comfort in our company. Words don't even have to be said...
To know that they have someone to call at 3am, or even if they're too afraid to call, God wakes me up to pray, or call, or text, or whatever for them...
To know that someone wears a smile that may not have before...
I'm sure they would have made it through without me... but to know that I can help lighten the load a little bit... how could I not be there?
And this isn't about me. I'm not saying this for any sort of pat on the back, or comment saying how great I am. screw that. Sure, encouragement and pats on the back are nice every once in a while, but that's not why I do this. That's not why I posted this.

Galatians 6:2 says "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ"
or, in the message
Galatians 6:1-3 "Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. "

Honestly, if you saw someone next to you crying, how could your heart not go out?
If you knew you had something the person next to you desperately needed, how could you not give it?
You do.
You have a few things.
First, you have Jesus (well, if you don't. You best get Him. Make your life complete!)
Second, you have two arms.
Third, you have two ears.

That's generally all you need.
And further, you have two lips, and words to form prayers. You have the power of prayer. That does more than anything.
I can't even begin to think of where I'd be without prayer.
(To any of you in any walk of my life that have prayed for me. Thank you, from the bottom, top, side, and every part of my heart. I wouldn't be here without it.)

Furthermore.
1 Timothy 2:1 says " I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them."
Do it. Pray for them. Even if you can't stand them, or the decisions they're making. Pray anyway.
You could be the only lifeline to God they have.

Think about it.

Thank you for reading all this.
If you read the whole thing, you honestly rock.

Much.

There is much to learn.
I am realizing this a little more every day...
With every difficult thing I find in my lap, there's a lesson to be learned.
A chance for growth.

I just wish I could hurry up and learn it so things wouldn't be so difficult.

I'm really having a hard time.

No one knows it. I haven't told anyone.
I think maybe that's how it should be...

I know what everyone would say if I said anything. And, I'm not really "dwelling" on it, to where it's the first thing off my tongue in conversation, but it is something I'm constantly thinking about.
Because I don't understand it.
It's like it was just handed to me...and now I'm sitting here... clueless as to what to do with it.

Either way, I seem to lose...

I'm beginning to realize, I still have pretty much no confidence.
The sad thing is that I have loads more than I used to, even a year ago.
But, I still have very far to go.

I know I need to just cling to Jesus, which is what I do.
But, then there are the curveballs... and they're hard ones, they hit deep because so much of this is entwined in the ministry... so I get confused a little bit, and frustrated as to what to do or say or how to feel... if I should stand up for myself, or just "do the right thing" and give in...
But I'm afraid if I keep giving in, I'll just always be in the place I'm in, and I know where my life is going, that isn't very wise. So... it's really hard. No one seems to understand. Which, it's really not hard to understand.

oi.

I just wish I knew if what I was doing was right or wrong.
Or what I can do to improve it.
But I don't have anyone to tell me.

My heart keeps taking these hits.

I don't really like being so emotional. Actually, I hate it. But I embrace it, because I know it's necessary to be who God made me to be. And that it's important for the big picture...even if I feel like I completely fail.

Stupid hard drive...you made me go through old pictures, and remember, and hurt.

at a glance.

I feel weird.
I'm not really sure why, or how to explain it...
...it's just. Weird.
I'm not a big fan, probably mostly because I can't explain it, and I don't know what to do with it.
I should be used to it.

Maybe it's time for a "fact" post.

Fact:I hate that I can't do daily physical activity. Am I just being lazy and making up excuses? I really want to. It causes fits of rage. I try to just not think about it. But today I feel it.
Fact:I feel like I want to be alone. But at the same time, I want company. I guess just the right company. Ones that I don't have to say anything at all to.
Fact:I don't want to go to work. I hate that I don't want to go. Why can't I just enjoy it?
Fact:I wish I cared less about things. That I could actually take the time to enjoy them.
Fact: I'm probably too lazy for my own good.
Fact: Being around Alicia and Chad makes me terrified to get into any kind of relationship. On the contrary, having Luke and Ella in the nursery makes me look forward to it. Needless to say, I'm a mess of emotions.
Fact: Sometimes I wish I could just say what's in my head and on my heart. What someone needs to hear, without them getting offended, and knowing that they would actually listen to me and not just hear me.
Fact: I wish the petty things would pass
Fact: I wish I could sleep for a few days
Fact: I freakin' hate distance.
Fact: I hate feeling forgotten
Fact: I really want to be somebody, I want my life to matter. Legitimately matter.
Fact: I wish I could hug Crissy right now. I miss her.
Fact: I wish I could just rest assured in the fact that everything will be okay...
Fact: I wish I could feel satisfaction in something
Fact: I wish I didn't feel so empty
Fact: I don't understand. And I don't like that.
Fact: I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to feel.
I don't really know much of anything.

I can tell myself I'll be okay, because I know I will
but these words don't seem to cut it for me today.

I'm beyond thankful that I'm not living the way I used to. I'm so grateful that I've grown past that...
But now what?
I don't want anything premature.
Maybe I should reevaluate life.

I don't know.

so it seems.

it seems that every time I convince myself that I'll be okay
I get smacked in the face by reality.

Why do people have to bring me down.
Why can't I just be free to believe all these dreams.
That I can make a difference.
That I can change the world...

Another thought in my head at this very moment?
I really want chicken.

hah.
I don't know how anyone keeps up with me.

Dear Friend

Dear Friend, what's on your mind
You don�t laugh the way you used to
But I've noticed how you cry
Dear friend, I feel so helpless
I see you sit in silence
As you face new pain each day
I feel there�s nothing I can do
I know you don�t feel pretty
Even though you are
But it wasn�t your beauty
That found room in my heart

Dear friend, you are so precious Dear Friend
Dear friend, I'm here for youI know that you don�t talk too much
But we can share this day anew
Dear Friend, please don�t feel like you're alone
There is someone who is praying
Praying for your peace of mind
Hoping joy is what you'll find
I know you don�t feel weak
Even though you are
But it wasn�t your strength
That found room in my heart
Dear friend, you are so precious, Dear Friend




This song always makes me cry.

No worries.

Well it's not something I do as a job or a task. I love you. And you're my bestfriend :)

from Betty.

My Dear Unknown ©

I’m not sure if you even exist…but if you do, I’m sure I’ll show you this.
And if you do, I’d just like to say, I’m excited to meet you and to get to know you.
And if you do, I’d just like to apologize…because I know it’ll be hard for you.
And if you do, I feel kinda guilty…
But if you do, I know you’ll understand. You’ll have to.
But if you don’t, that’s okay…I’ve made it this far, why not the rest of the way.

Heavy heart.

I'm not sure what my deal is today.
Maybe it's everything.

Today is a very weighted day.

I'll never forget.
(Columbine)

Get out of my head.

My favorite flower growing up was always a rose…but, as I got older, I dropped this.And, it wasn’t until today that I figured out why.

I heard so many people say, “Roses are so overrated…everyone has red roses at their wedding. I don’t like them.”

Apparently, hearing that enough, I conformed my thought patterns to that of those around me…
Not anymore.

It began last Wednesday with three red roses, and a wonderful revelation of Jesus through them.

It continued yesterday. In picking my car.
The Sonata is newer, it’s more professional-looking on the inside, it has less milage on it, and I do believe it was my mom’s favorite of the two.
But.
When it came down to it, it was my decision.
Before I enlisted the help of friends ( :D ), I test drove a red Kia, simply because the Silver Sonata was getting it’s oil changed, and they’re practically the same car. So, after finding a picture of Taylor Swift on the ground by the car, I get in with my mom.
As I turn on the car, the thought occurs. “You’ve always wanted a little red car…”I haven’t thought that in…I can’t even remember how long.Then, all the thoughts come flooding back, of how I didn’t want the explorer because it was tan and ugly and big but it wasn’t my choice because it was my sister’s car first, how the first name Turbo had was “Rose”, and many other things…I kinda sat in a shock brought on by realization.

Why did I change my car’s name? Because I thought people thought it was a stupid name… Why did I start despising little red cars? Because people said they got pulled over easier by popo’s.
So, what did I do?
I picked the red car :)
And it was confirmed that the red car was more “me”

I’ve decided I’m really going to be myself.
Screw what other people say.
I’ve always been told I’m unique and stuff, but I think I’m just now starting to embrace it.

I love Jesus
I’ve never dated
I like elephants
I hate stickers and donuts
I like red roses and purple flowers of any kind
I’ve always wanted a little red car
I’m simple, and that makes things complicated
My love languages are quality time and physical touch. I know you love me if you spend time with me. I really know you love me if you touch me.
I love photography
I crochet
I sign
Rome is my favorite place
I’m very sentimental
I tend to take everything to heart, because I put my heart into everything
If I’m not listening to music, I have it playing in my head loud enough for me to not be able to tell.
I’m clumsy
I want to go to Morocco.
I miss going to the Hebrew thing I went to when I was little.
I bake some killer brownies
I like meeting new people. I’m just usually scared that the feeling isn’t mutual.
I love laughing
Puppies always make things better.
I’ve journaled since I was twelve. And I’m so grateful for it.
I am me.

hindsight.

In hindsight, it seems that I just screw people’s lives up…I can recall being told numerous times,“Emilee, you helped me grow a lot”In other words,“You made me so mad… so I used it to “learn from” to make myself feel better.”
Or, once I’m gone from people’s lives, I see them post about how that season was so difficult. Or things happen that seem out of no where, but I can’t just erase it. And I don’t understand it at all.
What am I to do?Nothing.
Matthew 6:34… I suppose that also means not to worry about what has already happened as well.I find myself content. But it seems that when I do, things come in to make me anxious.
Why is it that I can’t know what’s coming up in the near future, but others can?And why is it that when I’m going where I feel God is leading me, and doing what I feel is correct in every situation, and if not, as soon as I realize it, I’m quick to correct it or apologize, or both… Why is it that things still seem to fall on me?
…
Because I trust. I can’t see all of this, because I trust.And that’s not a bad thing at all. I just know that it won’t all make sense to me now…I have to remain secure in the fact that I was indeed led by God, in everything…And that He isn’t gonna leave me hanging…
I don’t even know if that makes sense…but it does in my head, and more importantly in my spirit.
I guess I just gotta let life happen.

one day...

It kinda hurts to see that people that once made me believe that I was important to them don't really ever talk to me. But that other people--random ones--are. I'm sure I've made people feel this way, and it breaks my heart... because I hate how it feels...
It makes me feel that when I knew them, I was misinterpreted. Or because they knew what I was struggling with that got masked from other people, that they think less of me.
Or that they had misconcieved notions about me.
I'm fun, I really am.
I'm not deep all the time
I loooove laughing
I love having a good time, and making memories.
But I'm afraid that they only see me as the immature whatever whatever...the person you tolerate.
I know one day they'll see...and hopefully they'll understand...
Maybe this is what has given me the strength I have today.
The fact that they kinda let go of me.
I know they love me, they do. But, I've just had so many people kick me to the curb.
I'm trying to make a point now to search out those people I may have done this to, and reconcile. Because there are many perfectly good friendships to be had if I stop being so selfish.
I've come to find out that most people don't think of me the way I've made it up in my head that they do...
Is this my fault for thinking whatever it is I've made up in my head? Or is it because I'm not being told anything else by them...that I just don't know...
*shrug*
oh well.
Time for a new lesson to be learned.
I can't rely on people to spoon feed me.
I have to take initiative
I have to keep confidence
And I can't get offended or upset.
I have to take the first step sometimes.
One day this will all make sense.

I know I'm loved.
But, I'd like to actually feel loved every once in a while...
and know, just know that it was true.

I have come to the conclusion.

That I can't control anything.
And I just have to live with this fact.

But, I know I can rest assured that everything will be okay.
Just, sometimes I wonder if I need to step out, ya know? Instead of just being passive and letting things happen.

Well, stepping out is getting me no where but shoved back to where I was standing before.
I'm where I'm supposed to be.
Things will be taken car of from here.

Tired.

I'm tired of living with two married couples--it's ruining me.
I'm tired of having to put up with everything here
I'm tired of walking on egg shells at home
I'm tired of not being able to fully be myself
I'm tired of tolerating
I'm tired of being talked to like I'm lazy, or incapable, or whatever.
I'm tired of people thinking I suck.
I'm tired of people talking things about me that aren't true
I'm tired of people thinking I'm things I'm not.
I'm tired of being tired all the time
I'm tired of being busy
I'm tired of ... so much.

I really don't know.
I'm trying, I really am...but really... I don't know what else to do.
Is something wrong with me? Do I just suck that bad? Do I have some sort of condition that causes me to act the way I do and feel the way I feel?
Or is this just how I am...
Am I just misunderstood?

I don't know
But whatever it is, it's getting old.

Dream. Please come true...

I guess I'm learning contentment
or, at least I'm getting better at it.
Even though I'm missing out on a lot, I'm taken care of. I have all I need.
I'm were I'm supposed to be for now.
I don't know why, but that's okay
I don't know for sure what is next, but that's okay.

I had a dream last night, that I got engaged...
Hah, we were walking around HEB with my family, and he asked me? or whatever? but it wasn't all hillbilly red-neck style. I don't know, anyway...
I can remember thinking, "am I ready for this? Can I handle this? Am I mature enough for this?" Then looking at him, running into his arms, and just looking him in the eyes and being happy. Giddy, really. But I was so happy.
Then I just laid my head on his chest. Wow.

Yesterday I found this apartment. It is the most adorable one bedroom apartment I've seen in portland ever. And I could probably manage getting it, but I don't think I'm supposed to. I was mad when I realized this, because I just want to move my life forward so badly, but... I don't think I have to make the next move.
I think it's all just a matter of waiting for timing.
On my lunch break, I think I asked God to give me a dream to show me something, because of this apartment. I have dreams that happen sometimes, and so I wanted something to show me what to do, because I feel clueless.
I know when I went back to work, I stood there and told God if He wants me to get married, He better let me know about it. I want to meet the guy, and be his friend, and it just happen. I don't want awkwardness, I don't want questions... I just want it to flow...because if it doesn't, it could get messy considering I've never dated. So, He's gotta handle that.
And last night in my car, I told Him He had to do something...because where I'm at I can't even take care of myself the way I should. And I don't want t o get sick again. I want to be happy, and happy with myself.
So.
I guess we shall see...

I had this dream last night.
It was pretty vivid and I think it was one of those dreams that means something...especially because of how vivid it was.
It kinda scares me...
Because, I know a lot of changes are coming...
and, even though I am beyond happy for everyone, because this is everything they've been dreaming about... I'm scared.
I don't really like being alone.
Now, I don't know if I'll ever get married...but I'm afraid that everyone is finding their husbands, and I'm just the one they go to before when they're upset and unsure and all that stuff, and then it proves to be okay, and I'm just left here alone...
They say that won't happen, but some things are just inevitable...because, I mean, he'll be your husband, I'm not. And that's good. I don't want to be treated like I am. But still, it's a big change going from always hanging out to letting this guy in.
I guess I've just been screwed over so many times by that... I don't know.
But, maybe this is the year.
Maybe this really is the year of completion.
It's something I've waited my whole life for, but could it really be here? Finally?
I don't know

I think when I die, it'll be in the spring. Not sure why, I just love the spring. And, even though in my dream it was October, I think that's just because it was October when I had the dream.
I wish I would have another one. Some form of confirmation. Some form of knowledge more than I have now. But maybe I don't want that.

I've been pretty upset lately.
And I think the thing that upsets me the most is the fact that I can't fix it, and I don't know why I feel this way.
Sometimes when this happens, it's a predecessor for something I don't know with my mind yet, but my spirit does. I just don't know what to do with it.
I'm not perfect. At all.
Right now I don't feel like I have much point of existing
But, I know deep down there has to be a reason
That I won't be given more than I can handle, so I know some how I'll be okay...
I'm afraid of being alone, but I have to trust that I'll be okay.
There's just so much on my heart, and so much I don't understand.
There is also so much that I can't seem to find words for...
I'm at a loss.
I don't like this...
I don't like that this bothers me
I don't like that I can't fix it
I don't like that I don't really know what to expect
I don't like the fear in some possibilities that are in front of me
I don't like some of the inevitable daily things I face...
I don't like that I don't know what to do about it.

Jesus, You're all I have.
It's a good thing You're all I need...
Thank You.

end.

I suppose I've hit a wall.
I slept through three alarms today...I didn't wake up until Tina--my boss--called me. 15 minutes after I was supposed to be at work.
So, phone rings at 7:37am
Me: OH MY GOSH I slept through my alarms!
Tina: It's okay, just get dressed and get here as soon as you can
Me: I am sooo sorry! I'll be there soon
7:57am--I arrive at work (granted, I live about 18 minutes away)
I walk in
Tina: Are you okay? Do you need to go get breakfast or anything?
Me: No, I'm okay. Thanks, though.

She was more upset at the fact that our boss didn't show up on time and wasn't able to tell her I wasn't there until after when we were supposed to be open.

I never sleep in. Ever. I can't remember one time in my 21 years of existance.
Tina didn't say anything to Janice or Rena, we just kinda laughed about it. Like it was our secret.
I, of course, told Karen. She's great, and we had a good laugh about it.
Karen put in her two weeks notice...so as of the 26th, I'll be full-time.
Ah.
Not too sure how I feel about this...
I'm sure it will be easier once I get into the habit...but everything in me wants to cry.
I don't think there's a way for anyone to understand how I feel about this...but apparently it's affecting me more than I realize.
I'm trying to be positive about it.
This does mean that I can start saving. For a new car, then furniture, then move out.
Granted, this will take over a year to accomplish...
But, honestly, I'm scared.
I'm scared that this is all I'll come to be...a teller for the rest of my life.
There's so much more to me than this...
Maybe I just have to make this more than it appears
And, it makes me sad when I have to turn down doing so many things I've longed to do...
Like Snowboarding with Sara
Or camping with Betty and Shelen
Or going to the beach with everyone
even having any form of a spring break...
I'm supposed to be in college, enjoying myself while pretending to learn.
But, instead I have to be an adult already.
I had to give up the internship.
I felt it coming, no one believed me. It kinda makes me laugh now...

I guess I just didn't realize how run down I am...
Everyone keeps harping on me, comparing me to whatever situation their going through, telling me I don't know what tired is, and what not.
I've been trying to keep going...just keep going...one foot in front of the other.
Breathe in, breathe out.
but, I guess I'm at my limit.

I can't be everything to everyone...
I sacrifice so much...and I'm still not happy...
At the net last weekend, I sat there and cried and just asked God, "Why did I have to leave all this?"
I forgot what that love felt like...
I've missed it.
I miss it still.
It hurts knowing that last friday may have been the last time for me to see some of my friends...
This road is a hard one...
And everyone seems to be a critic...telling me how I should live, or how I should act, or what I should do.
It's rough.

Jesus, please hold my hand...

car ramblings.

"You take everything to heart"

I've been told this before....quite a few times, actually.
And it used to make me really upset...
It told me I wasn't tough
that I can't take things.
That I'm a wuss...
All these other simular things.
but, today, I actually thought about it.

Yes, I do take everything to heart.
I can't seem to help it, it's just what I do.
I don't want to be weak, I don't want to seem incapable
I don't want people to treat me any different or thing they have to act a certain way around me or whatever...I don't want to be babied for it...
but, it is what it is.

tonight, I realized...
i put my heart into everything.
I'm pretty passionate, and whatever I'm doing, it's usually with every bit of passion I have and to the best of my ability.

Bingo.
I take everything to heart, because I put my heart into everything.

So, my new camera is a beast.
I got to test it out at the Net last night
man, I missed it. no joke.
I felt...home...I felt like...like...I don't even know if I can explain it.
I'm in a room, surrounded with people that I love, and that love me, and realizing that love...feeling it... all while just soaking completely submerged in the presence of God.
Everything Sean Feucht spoke about was exactly what God's been speaking to me about...starting at the conference up until the day before.
It got me so excited.
I never wanted that night to end
and to think, one day, it won't.
:D

God is so cool!!!!

I got blessed today.
Like, ridiculously.
Went in for the internship, I haven't even met with the main guy, but Lily messaged me saying she got the okay to use me before I meet with him.
heck yes.
THEN
I go to church. And I get this text from person. after church, said person gives me this wad of cash, to buy a new camera. Jesus told person to, and I know this for a fact. Cause, person hears from God, and wouldn't just do this for the fan fare...it's so amazing. Like. It's enough to tithe, buy a freakin' awesome camera, and have money left over for my brother in law's car.
I cried. I flat out just cried. This means....more than I have words for.
God really does love me. He really does care about me.
Faith really works... it does.
I've never had anything like this happen to me. Ever. And, I am lost for words.
This is beyond amazing...
God is so indescribable.
:D
He loves me
He cares about me
He cares about my heart, and what concerns me
This is just, so awesome
He provides. He does
Even when it seems like it's impossible...it's right there
right around the corner
"and though it tarries, wait for it"
or whatever that says, I'm sure that's misspelled...
.oh well :)
Thank You, Jesus.
You are so good to me

recently.

Life has been pretty crazy here recently.
I'm not too sure what all I have blogged about.
my car got broken into, they stole my camera, I hit chad's car on accident, forgot margo at the church...what else?
Bunches of crazy stuff.
I have a photography internship that I start tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous, but I'm hoping I'll be fine after the first day. I've just never been there, and it's all completely new.
I also have jury duty. womp.

I've been feeling recently like my live is just caught in a whirlwind, and I have no say, and am completely lost, and just have to deal with it.
Like there's nothing secure, nothing certain, nothing tangible.
Like my heart is somewhere that I'm not physically... so I'm so discontent.

Today, I ambushed Betty. She was going through something, but I had no idea what. And she was just acting so different. And it just did not sit well with me. I emailed her, and before I read her response, I met up with her. I'm glad it happened that way, because her email said she wanted to just be alone to work everything out...
I'm glad I didn't read that first...
because...then I wouldn't have gone...

...and if nothing else, spending that hour with her made all the difference for me.
I feel like I have something tangible. Something sure...some sense of security...
I haven't felt this in a while.

I hate that I can't seem to be content...
Why is it that everything makes me so miserable? Why can't I just go to my job and make the most of it and not be so upset?
I don't know.
It seems like nothing's right...
Unless I'm journaling...or creating...
Everything just seems empty.
What's wrong with me?

The freakin’ leak is back.
As if we didn’t have enough things slamming us in the face.
My car won’t be done until Monday (it was supposed to be done LAST Saturday…), We had to replace the water heater because of the leak we had before that, my brother-in-law and mom’s cars are in the shop, too, and I know there was more stuff before, but I can’t even remember it now.
All the while, my family still gives out to the church, and helps whoever needs it, all while doing jobs we can’t stand, and my sister going to school to get screwed over.

not to toot our own horns at all, just really, when the heck are we gonna catch a break?

Then I have people freakin’ asking me when they’re gonna see me, or why I don’t come anymore, or why I’m not in school, or blah blah blah.
And granted, there are people that I really want to see, and will do everything in my power to do so, but when people I don’t even know are giving me crap about it…or people that know everything are giving me crap about it, what the hell?
What do you want from me?? I’m barely holding my head above water, and you’re going to complain?
And then there’s the people begging me to put up pictures on facebook before I even freakin’ get home, and they’re tearing me down because I haven’t done it. Oh, yeah, I forgot, the world revolves around you. My bad.
Then there’s the people that cause so much crap at the church, because people are afraid of hurting feelings or stepping on toes. I’m sorry, but that’s part of it. Yes, we love Jesus, but even He had to step on toes. If we don’t fix this now, it’s just gonna get worse.
Then there’s of course those wonderful people who use us…What the hell am I supposed to do?Oh yeah, I’m supposed to keep going.
Then you have the lady—who annoys the hell out of you anyway—say “hey, smile!” as you’re walking to youth. Because I have to smile 24/7? I know I’m not showing everything that’s going on all over my face. Because I make a point not to. It’s none of their business. But they have the nerve to critisize me and tell me I have to smile? Screw you, lady. Screw you.
Can you tell I’m a bit peeved?
Jesus, You said in Your word that You’d supply for us, and You’d take care of us, and if we give, it’s given back to us immesurably more… So I’m holding You to that. I expect results.

So I went to this conference.

holy moly.
Amazing. Honestly and truly
And I don't think I realized how truly amazing it was until now.
I'm home, back to normal life.
Learn to cope.
Now, life isn't terrible. By any means. It's actually quite wonderful.
It just seems as though there is this cloud looming over
I don't really know how to explain it.

I thought it would be hard to be with my family, but, honestly, that was when I felt the happiest, and most comfortable.
I mean, I want to be on my own and all, but it was good to just know I have family.

So now, I'm laying here...my bag still packed, room a mess of everything I left behind--clothes, fears, everything out of my car, work keys...
Many things happened right before I left
My car got broken into
My camera got stolen
I had to deal with a lot of people on those two things alone...
ummm...just a lot.
A lot of fear, a lot of questions, a lot of rearranging and figuring out.

Anyways.
I went to this conference at Christ For The Nations, and it was awesome.
I found myself at the spiritual point with God that I last found myself at when attending first year at TBI...
When I had visions, and dreams, and heard God's voice so clearly. It was a very defining moment.
It was so...refreshing, and...comforting almost. Just so good to know that I'm not hopeless.
I realized that I think I'm more important to people than I realize.
That I have influence
That I do matter. And I do make a difference.
Even though I don't really see it, or understand how.
It's not about me anyway.
I know that things are about to shift. They have to be. Things can't just stay here.
I'm ready, I am. But I don't want to lose this...
...everything I've rediscovered.
I just want to find more, to go deeper, to push harder...
I never want to end one day the same way I began it. I want to go forward.
continuously forward.

Jesus, please continue to burn in me.
Help me to not forget that this is all about You
burn in me
burn in me
burn in me...

Life

Has taken a new metaphorical twist.
Nothing really caused it, but it's definitely different.
...
in a good way.

No one is dead who still lives on in our memory.

What to do with all these maybe's

Maybe everything isn't meant for me to figure out.
Maybe I should just stop thinking about things so much.
Well, I'm sure I should just stop thinking about things so much...
But I'm so unsure of what to do with myself...

I've noticed I've been trying to keep busy so much...
I used to just be so content--well, as content as possible--with just being by myself, in my room or whatever. Thinking, painting, journaling, drawing...whatever I felt like.
Go through life, and do those things...
Now, it seems like, I almost can't
I mean, I know I can...
but, if all I do is go to work, and come home, it seems like such a burden.

I want something sure...something I can count on, something I know won't change...
I mean, yes, I have Jesus. I am SO beyond grateful. I just don't know how to balance spiritual and physical. I want Jesus, He's all I want, but I have to function in the real world too, ya know?
I have to see people, I have to live, I have to work, I have to face things, I have to do all of this

So I find myself in this rut.
Not knowing what to do, think, feel, how to act or react...
Just going to work and coming home seems so discouraging to me.
And I mean, I know my life is something, but at the same time, I feel like I'm just a disappointment
I know, I know, I'm not... but I feel like I just can't be everything to everyone
Not even that, but that maybe I'm not enough.

I don't know
I probably just think too much
but if I don't think, then what am I supposed to do?
Well, thinking isn't getting me anywhere...
...but it does fill my time...
And it's not destructive...per se...

bah. I don't know.
I'm pretty sure everything will work out to be just fine in the end.
I would just like a bit of security.
Something tangible
Something I could hold on to...

Maybe one day...

really.

What is my life.
Really.
I mean, here I am
going through every day...
seemingly similar motions, with a few bumps to face.

But, why?

What is the point?
What long term goal do I have?

What if everything in front of me, everything familiar was stripped away.
What if everyone turned their backs on me, and I was left completely alone to start over...
What then?

Well, I supposed I would be okay.
This life isn't about me anyway.
Things and people are nice and all, but, really.

I may not know where my life is going, I may be relying completely on blind trust (faith)
but, maybe that's what I'm supposed to be doing...
I mean, how many people do I encounter daily...
umm...a lot.
If I can affect their day for the better, then my day was successful.

I may not see the long term effects, or any effect at all, really, but I don't know what it meant to them.

It may be seen one minute, forgotten the next, but in that initial moment, it held worth.
It helped that person get through that moment.
And that is worth it.