I have found myself in a funny place.

Wanting only what is real
None of this fake, people pleasing, approval desiring nonsense.
That's pointless.
It'll be exposed sooner or later.

And with this, I have found myself wanting to be alone more.
Maybe this is just my true Introvert coming out
Or maybe it's a self-preservation tactic.

Heck, I don't know.
But, I can say, I am fairly content with my life.

Sure, I've been disrespected, overlooked, wronged, ignored, dissed and more, even just today.

But, whatever.
Life is more than that
There's plenty of joy ahead of me.

Do I know what?
Heck no.
But that's okay.
Half the beauty is in the mystery.

I have decided.

My life now is my own adventure.
It is what I make it, and I need to live it to the fullest.
Sometimes it feels absolutely mundane and like nothing important.
Just a day-to-day grind that nothing can really come out of.

But, I have to remind myself
That most people feel this exact same way.
That all I can really do is keep going
And take all these other people, get them together and make something of ourselves.
Enjoy the days we have.

I want a story worth reading
A blog worth following
A life worth leading...

I want a legacy behind me when I'm gone.

I can't help but feel this to my core.
That there's more to me than this mundane outlook I seem to find myself behind.
That maybe, possibly one day this life will prove itself worthy of a second glance.

And while I want to go full force ahead with life
and take advantage of every moment I'm given
I'm held back
By the immense fear of being forgotten.

The thought of that makes me want to cry.

but I have to hold on to the fact that I know there's something more
Something I can't see
something worth writing about.
Even if it doesn't seem like much, currently
It's more than I can see.

Soon enough, life will prove itself
I can't let this fear get me down.
It'll all make sense one day.

I pray this day is soon
Or that at least some hope is lurking near by.

Life Group

Talk about irony.

I joined a life group at my church.
I was kinda hesitant at first, because of uncertainties with past small group experiences
I felt like it was just a big cry fest where a bunch of girls shared their feelings.
I'm not too big on feelings...
I mean, I care about people, when you genuinely need it, but if you just want to tell someone your sad story for the sake of being sad, I'm over it.

I met Ashley, the life group leader, through my friend Shana (who I've actually just technically met, but I've known her sister and family for years)
When I saw that Ashley wasn't weird (in the sense of either super old and out dated, or nerd.com) I thought that maybe this wouldn't be such a bad idea. I mean, the topic seemed pretty interesting.
"When Life Gets Hard"
I was also a little iffy about it being an all girl group, simply for the same reason.

But this is different.
This is a room of girls that have found their strength in God through their trials and are coming for encouragement that their doing the right thing and tips and guidance on how to continue.

We all have a story
We all have difficult things we go through
We can all tell something sad about what's going on with us.
But that doesn't define us.
Our God does.
He is great, no matter what we find ourselves going through
and it is so awesome to know I have a place where I can go and meet up with real people that aren't super spiritual or judgmental or anything to encourage us and learn right along with us.

So, for the irony.

A lady in the group, Carolyn, seemed really familiar, but I didn't think I knew her.
She was answering one of the questions, and mentioned how she had multiple people really close to her die in a short span of time, one of them being her three-year-old son.
When she said that, I thought of my friend Samantha Sperry. She used to live here in Corpus and nanny for a lady who had two daughters and a three year old son who died in March.
Samantha had just written me a letter that I received to my surprise before going to the life group
As I was talking with Carolyn, she said his name, Christopher.
I asked her if she knew Samantha
Sure enough, it's her.

As I listened to her talk about what God has taught her and where He's brought her in this short amount of time, I wanted to cry.
When Sam found out, we were at a bonfire with our young adults ministry, The Net. Bri and I stuck close with her, to make sure she was okay. We knew this little boy was like her own son, and losing him was hard.
We prayed for her, for the parents and for the sisters.
So, to know that this family I have been praying for has come so far, goes to my same church and loves God, it's just a really awesome feeling.

It's cool to know that even when you may not know the person you're praying for, that God is really working for them.
Sometimes it seems like it has no point, praying for people you don't know and can't see.
But it does.
Tonight was proof.

I absolutely love when I look at the clock and it's 10:23

I made a new friend today :)
I'm very happy

I started a new blog.
Again.
This one I really want to stick with
and I think it's an idea that will actually stick.

A place to put all these thoughts I wish I could tell you and you'd actually hear.

So, I'm telling the blog.

Made my night.

I will pray for you and your family. Orphans are sending love and hugs to you

Send them love and hugs back

9:02pm

Yes i will. They are here laughing. Asking you to pray for them and needs

Take care. Good night.