Thoughts from the gelato prep table.

Have you ever wondered what your last day will be like?
I mean, everyone will have one.
It's inevitable.
Death and taxes, the two things you can't avoid.
Even if you did avoid death, you'll still have a last day.

Will it be one of those where it seems fairly normal?
Wake up, go to work, go for a run, see a few friends
Or will it be a special occasion?
Will you be alone that day?
Or just have a full day of classes?
Will the last thing you eat be leftover spaghetti from two nights ago?

Well, I do.
I wonder.
A lot.
About many things
Generally all over the spectrum.

I like wondering
It makes you feel like you have potential.
Like you have something to offer the world.
Like you can change it.

I have found recently that I just want to be in the presence of the Lord.
I don't know if it's because I was at the burn for the 18 hours, which I've never done before.
I only left to get canvases and pillows.
I'm really not sure what has brought this on
But I long for it.
I don't think I've ever yearned this much.
Not like this, at least.
I think the last time I got this close was TBI my first year.

I mean, I've wanted to be in the Lord's presence
But I don't know if I've ever longed and yearned like this.

I'm so glad that He's with me wherever I go.

Certain people have weighed heavier on my heart.
Including my co-worker, Liz.
I really want her to know Jesus like I do.
She's my favorite co-worker.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I like the people I work with
And they're all pretty great
But, there's something about Liz.

Maybe it's the potential I see.
That her life is more than her.
That she can really accomplish huge things.
The fact that she's faithful, and puts her whole heart into things.
She's thorough.
I don't know
But, I pray for her a lot.
Maybe I'll get an opportunity soon to feel her out more as to where she is with God
What her thoughts are, and all.

Jesus, I long to know You more.
I long to feel You with every breath.
I long to share You with every single person I come across.
I long to show them this love.
Jesus, I love you.

Hopes and Dreams.

I was at a friends house the other day, when she decided to play twenty questions on me.
The first one?
"What are your hopes and dreams?"
Seems like and easy question, right?
I mean, I am quite the dreamer.
Yet, for some reason, I found myself without an answer.

I told this situation to a close friend of mine yesterday
her response,
"Well, what are your hopes and dreams? Surely you have some"
Still, I'm without words.
"What do you like doing? Besides photography"
"I don't know... I just like life"

I've been rolling over this question consistently now.
Hopes and Dreams.
Why is this so hard for me?
Maybe because everything I do is based on what God tells me
But, surely I can still have hopes and still have dreams
one of my favorite verses is one given to me during my first year at Bible School
Hebrews 10:23, "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, because He Who promised is faithful."
My favorite part of the scripture is the fact that is says hope, not faith or any of the other words commonly used.
Hold to the hope.
Well, my hope comes from the Lord...
Not to sound cheesy, or super-spiritual or anything
but, really.
Life is disappointing, but if you look to Jesus, and put your hope in Him, you find purpose, you find a reason to keep going with the day to day nonsense.
You see the reason behind it when you don't look with your natual eyes.

So, maybe one day I'll have an answer that makes people happy.
But for now, I just keep living
Hoping in my Lord, and dreaming of the day all my dreams come true.

That's answer enough for me.

Soothe.

I made gelato practically all day today.
It was very draining
And for some reason, I just felt like crying.
I still am not one hundred percent sure why.

I ended up leaning my head on the machine
To my surprise, it made me feel at ease.

I guess it's the shake of the machine.
It makes you feel like when you were a kid riding in the car while your mom was driving around town. How the motion of the moving vehicle just seemed to soothe you.
Or the feel of sitting in the middle of a rain storm.
When the rain is just completely dousing your head and you're soaked to the bone.

What is it that's comforting about these things?

My co worker walked into the back, and when he saw me, he just laughed.
I'm sure I looked absolutely ridiculous.
But, inside, I found peace.
Peace in the familiar that I found in the new.

It very well may have been the highlight of my day.

Thought.

I bet you if I actually had confidence, I'd be a force to be reckoned with.

Just a thought.

I heard this song on the radio sometime last week.
It was some Valentine contest thingy that people wrote to the radio station and the winner had Matthew West write a love song about their story.
Well, he picked a winner, but there was a second story that gripped his heart so much that he wrote a song for them too.
It was a military family story, you know, the typical, heart-wrenching thing that makes you want to change the station before you cry but you are somehow intrigued enough to keep the station set and fight the emotion.
A thought really hit me that I've never really truly thought about before.
I had the thought about the imagery the song painted depicting the fact that the dad missed so much of his kids life.
You can't get that time back.
You're kids only grow up once
And now, here he is facing retirement, love is finally coming home...
...now what?
your life is mostly over.

I only get one childhood, and I have been blessed with one filled with great memories.
I only get one set of teenage years
I'm only a young adult once.
I'll only get married once
If I have kids, they'll only have one childhood...
...and so on.
You only have one chance at this.
There will never be another February 17, 2011.
Ever.

I can't really wrap my head around it.
In a sense, it seems like childhood, teenage years, young adult-ness never ends
Because we can always bring the memories back to the front of our minds
We can look at pictures, tell stories with friends, think about it all we want
But the truth is, it's over.
You can never get it back.

Last night I found myself at some friends house that I haven't seen in a while.
Like, at least a year.
So, we were sitting there, catching up on life, when I just kinda sat back and realized who I was with, where we used to be, where we are now and where we are going.
It's a funny thing.
One of them I grew up with. I've known him since I can remember. He is one of the few people I can go back on all those old, great memories from when my age was in the single digits.
The other one I met at Bible school. When we met each other, we had wrong impressions, and didn't really like each other, but as the year went on, we actually became really great friends and realized that we are very similar.
So, here I sat, with blast-from-the-past friend I used to crush hard on when I was 7, and his wife who was there for a pretty difficult part of my life.
I'm pretty sure we used to sit back as kids and wonder where our lives would take us
And here we were, with the answers.

We're adults.
When did we get here?

My heart is a lofty place.

Interesting.

I've come across three people in the last week and a half that I haven't seen in years.
From three different seasons in life.
It's just really interesting, to have this continuously happening.
then, at the same time, my sister is texting me telling me she keeps seeing people we haven't seen in ages, mostly at a Mexican food restaurant.
It's just crazy.
I think there's a lot of new going on.
A lot of preparation.

I told a friend of mine about the dream I had of my friend dying.
He said that the fact that no one else seemed to notice may mean that this friend is more important to me than I realize.
He asked if I had asked God what it means, and I have, but I don't seem to have a definite answer.
It's interesting.
In the days following the dream, but before today, I had wondered if maybe she meant more to me than I realized. I was actually just telling a friend about it yesterday.
I might tell her about my dream. See what she says.

I have a lot to pray about
Addressing many different issues.
Things I really want God's direction in.
Oddly enough, I find myself thinking, "I don't really know how to pray about this"

The friend I saw today that I hadn't seen in ages had her almost 2 year old daughter with her.
The most precious child I've ever seen.
I've never met her, and she comes running up to me, so excited like I was the coolest person on the planet and she was thrilled to see me.
Then when I got to the restaurant, she sees me through the window and starts yelling, "Emmy! Emmy! Emmy!"
It made me feel so very loved.
And important.
My friend and I were talking the other day about how children seem to be drawn to us.
And how someone told her that children see things differently (which I've heard many different people have said this) and that they are drawn to us because they can see the Jesus in us. That's really what they're drawn to.
It's an amazing thing.

When I think about my life, I feel like I'm in a whole new world, to an extent.
*insert lyrical Aladdin montage here*
It's like my spirit is alive in a way it never has been.
Like I've noticed a difference, even just in the past few weeks.
Things are just opening up and falling into my lap
Falling into place.
Like my spirit knows so much more than my mind does, and it puts it in my heart, and that's what I'm following.

I need to pray.

I feel as though I might explode.
So many emotions being felt at once
and it's not necessarily a bad thing.

I had a dream a dear friend of mine died.
Today, I hugged her.
Glad reality is that she's still with me
But, I wish I knew what that dream meant.

Saw two of my friends I haven't seen in...years.
Found out they live like, right down the street.
It truly is a small, small world.
And a funny one.

Many thoughts in my head
Many things to pray about.

I'm dog/apartment sitting, and I love it.

I'm breathing
I'm peaceful
I'm exhausted.

I'm not sure what I think
or feel.
It's a weird thing.

I have a new job, and I love my coworkers.
I'm laughing, because one of my coworkers is friends with one of my old best friends.
Granted, I'm not sure how she knows her, but it's a crazy thought.

It makes me automatically assume that I'm not good enough
That I'm everything I used to be
That I'm not wanted
That I'm a nuisance.
That eventually everyone will get angry with me and kick me to the curb.

It makes me angry at myself
For being bland
For not having enough fun things about me
For not being enjoyable
For talking to much to try and make up for it.
For being so awkward.
For being too deep all the time.

I'm learning how to not be so deep.
Maybe that's why this is hard, because I'm still learning.

It makes me want to compromise.
I deep down don't want to
but there's a thought in me.
There's a lot of thoughts in me.
No one really knows my brain
What I'm feeling or thinking
Who I am.
I try.
But there's many me's
and I'm still trying to figure it all out.

All while tolerating.
more stuff I don't know what to do with.

I found some old blogs from High School.
It got my interest, so I started reading them.

I guess I forgot how deeply I really felt all of those things I have overcome.
I mean, yeah, I know I've overcome.
I remember these were reality.
I guess I just forgot how extreme everything was.
It makes sense as to why it was so difficult to get to the point I am.

I couldn't read them for very long
It was starting to get unhealthy for me.
I could feel old desires being stirred up and I know that's what got me the last time.
It's a slow fade.
So, even if I want so deeply to feel like I'm in touch with my past
I had to close the screen.

I talked to my Student Advisor from my first year yesterday.
I wish she knew me now and not who I was when I was such an insecure ball.
It was so good to hear from her
To update her on my life, and be updated on hers
To hear she is doing so well and so happy
It just makes my heart so happy :)
It's crazy to hear from her and see where I am now froom where I was back then.
Things I never would have thought of before are now topics of conversation
And actual considerations.
I've come so far.

My brain is on overload
From everything that these days remind me of
To everything that these new days are holding.
All the new.
New.

I am new.

February.

Today is about 9 years since my friend committed suicide.
Tomorrow is 4 years since I started eating again.
The Packers are playing in the Super Bowl today
They were the favorite team of my friend who died 4 years ago this April 10th.

Usually around February every year, I start getting super nostalgic.
For some reason, this year I didn't even think about it.
I just barely noticed last night when I was driving home from work.
I only noticed because it's my girl Gabby's birthday.
That's when it clicked.

It hit kinda weird.
Like a super light ton of bricks.
I think today it hit me more.
A little more of a reality.

I don't have my old journals, but I was looking back on my old notebook to see what was being saidin Church services I was around.
Pretty right on.

Then it's ironic of things I was dealing with spiritually
and how it's almost parallel to now.
And how I didn't even realize the examples I was giving a few days ago to explain how I understood what someone was explaining to me about a current thing going on was this time three years ago.


But, you know.
This year, it's different.
It's easier.
I really feel like I have been more healed of everything.
That things don't sting as badly as they used to.
It's still very real
But a little less painful.


I was thinking all this during church
Then, of course, at lunch I run into the guy who sexually harassed me that I haven't seen in quite a while.


But, it's okay.
It's not as painful.
I think it will always be a thought
But, it doesn't always have to hurt.

Jesus loves me.
He is jealous for me.
And even when I screw up, He is so jealous for me that He won't let satan and his schemes overtake me.

That brings tears to my eyes.

Your mom.

My mom came to see me today.
I really miss her.
I don't think I've ever missed her this much.
Honestly, it's a new emotion for me.
Well, not new, but one I haven't felt in a very long time.
I can't confidently say that I know how to handle it.
She's not too far away, but far enough.
Everything is so new
And I'm not sure how it's going
And I'm not 100% comfortable yet.
I know I'll be okay. I will.


This life I live is more than I realize
More than I know.
I've known this for a while
I guess now it's just starting to set in.
It's beginning to become reality.
This life isn't about me.
I have to and am learning to fully trust God with everything in me
To trust that He has me and my life in His hands
And that I don't have to worry about anything.
That when things go a little weird, I can be okay.
That when I'm feeling nervous, I can take heart.
That when I'm feeling homesick, I can know that my family loves and supports me.
That they always will.
I can set my eyes towards what is true
What is eternal.
That is what is certain.
Jesus loves me, He has my best intentions at heart.
And He's taking care of me.