I write to no one.

So, things have been rather difficult.
I haven't written about it--not even on paper--because I can't seem to find the words to explain it.
But I can't deny that it's there.
That there's a battle being fought.

The good thing about this?
The battle is being fought.
I haven't given up
I refuse to just play dead
I refuse to believe any less than victory.
It may take some time to get there, but I will.
It's promised to me.

I'm nervous about a few things.
Concerned with a few others.
But I'm trying not to get myself too worked up about it.
There isn't much I can do about it anyway.

I don't even know

things can't ever just go smoothly, can they?

funny thing is, it's such a big deal now. Give it a few months, I won't remember what this post is about.

Unless, it's like the only other time I've said that, and it blew up into some big deal.

psh.

whatev.

Me.

I have the pleasure and pain of bearing a burden bigger than anyone can ever realize.
This is a paraphrase of a quote I once saw on someone's twitter.
It is so true.

I wish people could see my heart.
That they could truly understand who I am
What I know
What I see
How I think
Hear my heart as it cries...

It really has become a sensitive vessel...
It's been a hard thing to adjust to, but I know it's an adjustment well worth making.
When I people watch
I cry.
There was a commercial that made me cry the other day...really? have I gotten that lame?
But, it's just a part of who I am.
People. People make me cry.
People make my heart cry.
Make my heart cry out to God for them.
To touch their hearts
To open their eyes
To save their souls in a way only He can do...

I've often heard stories of people who had "prayin' Grandma" or whatever...
Well, what about those people who don't?
What about those people who are just lost...and so is everyone around them?
Who will pray them in?
I will.

They may not know it, and I may not either. But there are some people I see, and just feel inclined to pray for. For some reason.
I'll write about them sometimes. Write out the prayer, to have some sort of reference.

Of these, I've actually met one.
After she met Jesus--I believe it was two weeks after--she ended up sitting by me at the net.
And now she is one of my dearest friends.
I thank God for His hand in our friendship. It truly is valuable.

I know a lot of people. There are many that are dear to me. Each person holds a special place in my heart, and with each person, I instill a little bit of myself--whether they know it or not.
And, I believe, if you were to get them all together and have them share what they understand of me, collectively, you'd have me. Who I am.
Now, this can't happen.
So, I will just remain a mystery.

But, if anyone ever tried to understand the depths that are Emilee Marie Ayers, I do believe their minds would be blown.
Get past what you see
Past the surface
Past the defense
And see the deeper me...
There's a lot to be offered.

I just don't think people can handle it.

Not to say I'm anything great, or that I'm someone important
I'm not.
And I like it that way.
I like when people don't know my name
I hate being forgotten...but, I like not being known.
That's how it's supposed to be.

There are big things inside of me.
Big dreams.
Big callings.
Big visions.
Big ideas.
Big humor.
Big pains.
Big random thoughts.

It scares me that there wasn't one thing that someone doesn't know about me...
But not one person truly knows everything.
I think that scares me.
Because I have found once I get too close to someone, I pull away.
I'm not sure as to why.

But I'm learning to be like Mary
and "Treasure all these things in my heart"
rather than offer them to any ear tolerant enough to hear the words spill from my mouth.

It's teaching me to actually trust God to take care of me
instead of searching for people's opinions.

I like it :)

Maybe one day people will see who I am.
hah, maybe one day I'll see what people see in me...
because I honestly think that is more rare...
I don't think I see what other people do.
That is why I doubt myself
that is why I fear
that's why I get self-conscious.
But I wonder, if I did see myself that way
if I would be who I am...
or if I would get too proud and cocky and lose sight of me...

I guess we'll never know.

Bambi loves me.

no matter what ur still beautiful inside and out :) i love you!!!! ive honestly never seen someone love people the way u dooo its amazing cuz u shine of jesus soooo much its like seeing u with a huge glow behind u that breaks ur heart in a good way.. (: just breaks u down cuz when u hug its like jesus himself hugging like in church when u hugged me and i had alot going on it broke me when i as in ur arms it just felt safe peace and love and it will be okay...ur amazing love i just want u to know i love u and apprciate u!

sometimes I wish...

Sometimes I wish I could just, start my life over.
or at least parts of it.

My life doesn't make sense.
It doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
It doesn't seem to have much of a point.

I find myself hurt, and a little lost.
Once again.

I feel replaced.
I feel pointless.
Yet, when I do something different, I have people texting me and calling me and telling me they miss me and not wanting me to leave.
But, if I don't, then I feel pointless.
I already feel replaced.

There's so much I don't understand.
There's so many things that scare me...

When do I do stuff for me
And when do I take other people into consideration?

What place does family really take?
I love them. They mean the world to me. I finally have a good relationship with them...
...but now... I don't understand.

Jesus is my only constant.
The only Surety that I have.
The only One I can truly depend on.
The only One that always gives me good advice and guidance, with my best interests really in mind.

So, whatever happens.

He's my life.

So, I've realized.

I've been wasting so much time.

I haven't even journaled about this yet, but the realization is almost overwhelming.

Really? Where has fear gotten me?
Alone, insecure, feeling worthless, amongst other things.

It's cost me time. Besides in the obvious, but I'm realizing now that there are so many friendships that are developing into very beautiful things...but I'm just now realizing this when I've known these beautiful people for a year or two.
That's a year or two of beautiful memories wasted...

I am thankful that I'm realizing this before they're gone.
Time is too precious to wait.
And, who's to say that I would have been able to handle it... with how I was before, I'd probably be too embarassed to have tried...but that was all caused by fear.

Well, today is a new day.
I'm taking my life back.
I'm doing things for me, things that might not make sense to other people, but that are necessary for my life to go the way that actually brings me peace and happiness.
Sure, it'll be ever changing.
But, that's okay.
It'll still be happy.

So, here's to taking my life back.

a dream my friend had.

"I just woke up from a 3 hour nap and you were in my dream.. lifting your hands worshiping at a concert, standing on a chair."

Growth.

I might be (as in more than likely, pretty much am) moving out with my friend Chrissy until she gets married.
It's pretty much a no lose situation on my part. I talked with her, and it's a really great opportunity. She has opened up her heart to me to truly help me out with this.

So, why the delay?
I'm terrified.

I didn't expect so many of these emotions would arise from all this. Emotions I thought I had gotten rid of long ago.
Feelings of not being worthy.
Feelings of immense fear.
Feelings of worry
...whether she'd get sick of me
...whether I'd get hurt again
...whether my parents are truly up for this
...whether I'll be screwed financially with all these things I'm finding myself needing ( a new laptop asap, a flash for my canon by October)

I talked with my friend Megan about it. She's the same personality type as I am, and so I know she understands all these stupid emotions I find myself working through.
I was able to be transparent with her, even with my stupidest fears, and know that she would give me an honest answer, and one that's not biased.

She really comforted me in this decision
That it's not my parents life, it's mine. Their opinion has worth, but may not hold all the answers.
That it's a safe place for rick. Chrissy is probably the most loving person I've met, and I know she'd be open to my flaws and understand that I have them.
That when I follow Jesus, He's gonna take care of me. He won't let me go, He won't leave me stranded.
It was very comforting.

So, now I'm working to getting my mindset as a sound one. I don't want to let this get to me.
Mind over matter.
I'll be fine. And I'm sure at the end of it all, I'll be sad it's over.

This is a step of faith.
Maybe it holds all the things I've been praying fro.
And, if it doesn't?
That's okay, too.
I trust Jesus. I want His desires for me, and I want Him to change my desires to match His.