It's been said...

It's been said that you don't know what you have until it's gone...

I've been pondering this concept recently...

Here's why...
See, I was at work last Friday, and my thumb got caught in my metal drawer while I was closing it...
I didn't expect it to hurt as badly as it did, but as the day went on, the pain got more intense.
Dad said I bruised my thumb bone...yeah, I so didn't even know that was possible!
Then I came to realize how much I use my thumb. I guess I never noticed that it affects virtually everything I do until I couldn't use it.

Then on Monday I was playing tag with two kids from my church. I did something to my foot to make me step on it weird, and now it's three different colors...
Once again, I didn't realize how important the proper function of my foot is until I can't use it...
I can't even go to Wal-Mart by myself... I really don't like being dependant. And now it's starting to turn purple, which isn't good, and could mean there's a fracture somewhere... great.

So, what is all this teaching me?
It's teaching me to look around. To notice the little things that may usually be overlooked. The things that make our life so much better and easier simply by just having it there.
To notice the people I have in my life, and everything they mean to me.
To make the most of the time I have with everything I have.
Life may not be perfect, perfect is boring.
But, it sure is beautiful.

So, look around.
Notice what makes your life run as smooth as it does
and take the time to appreciate it.

:)

So, it seems that waiting is worth it.
And, even though I still have quite a bit of time to wait, I'm finally beginning to see the fruit starting to form on the tree. It'll just take some time to develop, but that time will be worth it

I don't know what all will happen exactly, but, that's okay
I have peace
and, I'm learning to trust

Life is beautiful, even when we don't understand everything.

okay... So I learned.

I don't pray enough...
so, here I am... blah blah blahing about everything I have no control over...
when I was thinking back on earlier today, What was taught in Children's Chruch
See, God was talking to me in Children's Church
at first I was having a hard time about not being in the other service. We had a guest minister, and I knew it was gonna be good (which it was) But, I was trying to encourage myself that Children's Church can be just as good.
After church, I started getting a little discouraged, but this is where i have to remind myself of what God said to me...

anyways, I was thinking back on the service...
We were talking about missions, which was kinda cool, cause the guest speaker is a missionary.
I was actually excited, because I knew I could go lots of places with this. And, knowing there was a guest speaker, I knew we would have plenty of time.
I got to talk about the importance of supporting missionaries, with an emphasis on prayer.
It was great...it really was.
The last time I was in there, I played a song by Shane&Shane that was applicable to the lesson. It was off the cuff, but they really seemed to enjoy it.
This time, I decided to play "Set The World On Fire" by Britt Nicole.
Before I did, I told them the story about my friend Rachel. It was her favorite song. She had always dreamed of going to Kenya, and helping orphans and youth. (www.rachelsfire.org)
She died in a car accident when we were at Bible school, and it was really tough...
But, through all that, her dreams didn't die. They set up a fund to build an orphanage in her honor in Kenya. Her dream lives on.
I challenged them to dream. To pray, which we did at the end.
I had one of the grandparents of the kids who sat in on a bit of it tell me, "You are a wonderful children's teacher" which made my day... And I had noticed, that when I started speaking, the kids listened... it just kinda struck me...
That's when God reminded me of what He's called me to do at this moment
"Live, to show others it's possible"
and how I'm called to this little town. To change it. To shake it. That He's gonna use me.
Well, This is where it begins. With these kids...

So, anyways... I was thinking back to this, and remembering Rachel.
I went on her site, and was just reading all these things she had written...I found myself crying...I really miss her...
Then I realized... This said person in the last blog--the one that is causing me so much problem--why? Why is it a problem? I doubt they notice it.
Am I praying for them?

I thought that...and instantly, it was like a battle. To just think about praying for them... it was like pulling teeth! So many things were going through my head, like, "what would people think about you?" and "But, that's not something anyone is used to?" or "what if someone found out?"
Who the heck cares?

One thing we taught the kids today is to pray for everyone. Even our enemies, or those people who we're having a hard time with.

I'm pretty sure that will fix my problems...
It'll help me be more patient with said person
and know how to act and respond
and be more lovely to the poor dear friends that have had to put up with me.

Yes, I do believe I shall start a new thing...
Just, be praying for me...
Sometimes, for some reason, just sitting down and setting aside time is a fight.

I guess because the devil knows that is where battles are won

I don't know what my deal is.

Another pointless blog.
I figure it doesn't matter if I post it, because no one reads them anyway

So, I don't know what my deal is...
I don't know if I can fully explain, because said people may end up one day reading this? I doubt it, but it is an extreme possibility? yeah, that was an oxymoron that didn't make sense...
ahhh, anyway.

I'm stuck in this rut.
There are these people that I love. They bring joy to my heart, and I just love being around them... but I'm afraid that my own stupid mindsets are getting in the way.
see... I'm deep. If I can help it, I don't know how...
I am a conglomeration of every decision I've ever made.
I've messed up, and--to me--that's okay.
And I'm pretty much an open book...
...I guess this is where it gets tricky...
I think this is where everything gets screwed up.
Cause, these people I love so dearly, they are tied to one of the only people I can't be a complete open book around.
It's taboo. Not worth the fight.
So, does that make it not worth the fight with these people I love dearly?
To understand me, you have to be open to know about things I've done.
And, see, I won't necessarily offer the information, but sometimes questions come up. And if they do, I'll answer. I'm okay with that. It helps explain who I am.
I've finally gotten to where I can do this with the youth, even knowing that said tied people where such information is taboo are in the same vicinity. They aren't around, so it's no big deal.
But with this, I don't know what to do.

It's like I don't get to plead my case.
Like I don't get my chance to be understood.
Should I care?
Should I just let this person do their thing, and not defend myself if they come against me?
Just trust that my lifestyle will tell the truth?

okay, I can do that...

But, what if a question comes up? What do I do for that?
One simple common question is all it will take to throw me through a loop.
I was trying not to care. I had my mindset all fine, that I was going to purpose in my head not to care...
...until today.
Of course, when you determine something in your head, it's gonna get attacked.
Well, I felt like an idiot.
Memories came rolling back from loooooooooooooooong ago.
Feelings I haaaated... Ones that made me cry.
The feelings from people who don't understand and don't see what they do to me
even if they know what it does to me.
They don't see.
So, I was weak. And I wanted to cry. But I was in front of people...and people were just amplifying it and making it more obvious
and I know this probably makes no sense when being read, but it is so real to me, that tears are forming in my eyes...

But, I don't cry.
Emilee is happy... I'm not supposed to be upset. That's not allowed.

Well, I would just like for someone to give me the antidote for feelings

that'd be great, thanks

I'll just have to accept it.

It kinda disappoints me to know that there are some dreams I will never reach...
To know that there are some things I can never change...
To know that no matter how hard I try, I'm still gonna fall short in life.

So, why still try?
Why put forth any effort when I know I'll just be falling short?
Why put my whole life into this...

...honestly, how could I not?
If what I do can influence just one, then it is well worth it.
Someone put their whole life into what they did...
Took that risk, got slapped in the face, and failed...
But, succeeded.
To someone, I was that one.
And, maybe it'll be a combination of people. Maybe it'll take more than one to get people to understand it
But if we all don't give up, we can help them understand.
Together, we can change their world
and in doing so, change the whole world.

So, for you, and for them, I won't give up.
I won't lay down, I won't hang up my hat.
I won't let myself get discouraged...
So that together, we can reach them.

So, I was sitting amongst a group of people today
when I realized...
I just want to be alone...
Not in like, an emo sense, but in just a... I like solidarity way.
I mean, there are times when I LOVE being around people. And when they draw the best out of me.
But, there are sometimes when being around people just isn't the best... When I doubt, and become unsure of everything I know God has.
When I just feel myself being pulled down.
I just want to get alone...
I want to remember what I'm here to do. I want to simply...be.

I wish there was a way to just take a break.
I mean, I love people. I absolutely love when I can help them, and I love those connections with people you get when you just wish the night wouldn't end
But, those days when you feel like you're just being brought down, like you're running on empty, like you've given all you can
Those days when you're just unsure of everything, when you don't really have a clear path... just kinda waiting til the next step makes itself clear...

Those are the days I just want to get alone.
It's been raining. And when it rains, ahhh, I just want to burst with joy! :) I love it.
It gives me hope.
I'm not really sure why.
I just want to immerse myself in it.
To be completely drenched. Soaking wet with it. I never want to leave.
Just watching it makes me feel secure.

But, why?
What is it about overcast skies that makes me feel sure?
That makes me feel safe...
That makes me feel, important even?

*shrug*
I have no idea, but it does...
...there's just something about it.

Maybe because rain makes rainbows
and rainbows remind me of God's promise for me...
One I wait for with excited heart :) It's gonna be great

Maybe because it's just a representation of prosperity
That rain gives us so much...waters crops, replenishes the water supply... gives me puddles to jump in...

Maybe because I know I'll see the sun shine again
And that I know when things are hard with life that I can remember that the sun will shine again if I just wait long enough

Maybe it's because it matches the emotions I've been feeling but can't express.

I don't really know what to do with emotion.
I'll admit, I've forgotten how to feel... I mean, sometimes it's no problem whatsoever, I'm rather empathetic...but sometimes, I just don't know how to feel...
And the rain is like the sky's way of getting out everything locked on the inside of me...

*shrug*
I dunno

but I love it :)
And it makes me dance :)

rain rain, come my way

Anyone else love the rain as much as I do?
It almost makes me feel a release from everything that is pent up on the inside of me.

It makes me want to paint, or draw, or take pictures of something really artsy, or write amazing poetry...
...but sadly, none of these are coming to me... *sigh*
Maybe I'll color in my coloring book...that makes me feel artistic sometimes
pathetic, right?

The rain does sound lovely on our tin roof :)
Now, if only it was cold outside...ah, that'd be perfect!

I'm listening to She & Him, and looking through pictures I have taken... picking out ones that I may one day use in a gallery, or sell, or something
we'll see, I suppose...
Maybe one day.
I did find a building I'd love to have for my gallery! It's a restored fire station. AH! it's beautiful!!
maybe one day...
Mom says I need to hurry up and marry a millionaire...when I asked her how to spell "millionaire" her response was "hold on, let me see if it's on..."
sure enough, it was... HAHAHA!
Who says you don't learn from TV?

umm... no title?

This blog post really has no outline...
I have no idea what I want to say
but, a good thing about my personality, is even when there's nothing to say, I come up with something
everthing in my head links to something else.
Now, when I'm actually talking to someone, I have a harder time expressing all this stuff, but when it's online, and I have no one following, and I don't think there's anyone who knows that this blog even exists, I think i'm safe to say what I want.
Yeah yeah yeah, you should be careful with what you put on the internet, it can always come back to haunt you... I learned that lesson full well.
If you refer back to my first blogpost, you'll see a synopsis of that...

I kinda put the idea of this blog on the back burner...
I mean, really... what do I have to say? I already compulsively journal, why broadcast it?
umm... I really don't know... I just saw our new Praise and Worship leader's blog, and wanted to write my own. *shrug*

Things have been crazy busy here lately. And haven't really stopped yet. I'm actually multi-tasking while typing this bunch of ramblings. I haven't had time to take the pictures off my camera from this weekend. So, I'm doing that. Then I have to put them on CD's so I can mail it off to Nissi tomorrow.
I've been trying to write out lesson plans since I got off work. Hoping to start up an 11-13 year olds class, but it's not set in stone, yet.
So, I'm in the process of planning out everything detailed so I can present it to our Children's Church Pastor again. Last time, I just don't think she understood my heart, and that's probably my fault. So. This time I'm taking time to plan it out, let God work, and have something to show them so they can see that this different vibe can be beneficial for these kids.

My mom just got mad at me. It's frustrating.
I guess I look like this bratty younger sister to them, but really, that's not it. They just don't take the time to understand me, and understand why things rub me the wrong way, and don't care to do anything to try and find happy medium ground.
I don't know how to explain it. So I just don't. Everytime I try, I get reprimanded for being a jerky, stuck up, snooty, ungrateful daughter. So, maybe I should just shut up.

This is when I wish that Ms. Miki was still around...
I wrote about her in my last blog post... I shoulda called her then.
She died on the 4th of July after having a heart attack. What her daughter told us is that when they did the bypass surgery, they hit an artery so she bled to death...
I found out when I was on my way to wal-mart from work...it seems that everytime I go to wal-mart after work, I find out someone dies. Well, last time it was our dog...but still.
When I read the text, I literally stopped right where I was, put my hand to my mouth, and tears just fell.
Now, see...I don't cry, really. It's rare. Well, recently it's been more common, I suppose, but I can't explain why. I guess just because I haven't in so long, and there's so much pent up on the inside, it just seeps out.
Blah blah blah, this sounds so emo. HAHA! I'm not emo, guys, I promise.
Used to be. But, Jesus is much cooler, so. :)

Aaaaanywhooooooo.....
I haven't slept much lately. Which tends to get me like this. Embarassed myself last night at the Net in the small group thing. I couldn't seem to get what was in my head understandable to everyone around me. I shouldn't have opened my mouth.
I felt really out of place. And like I was really young compared to everyone else. In a stupid aspect. Like I didn't know as much as they did...
I mean, I haven't gone to college, and they are all in college. So... maybe that's it? I Don't know.

I don't like feeling behind. Or incapable. It's frustrating.
Almost made me cry.
Although, I did cry on the way home. I felt like a 2 year old bawling my eyes out cause I'm so exhausted.
I wanted to go somewhere where someone would just hold me as I cried. But, umm...yeah, that place doesn't exist. So, I cry in my car while I can, talk to Jesus. :)
He makes everything better :)

So why am I still writing? I'm sure you're sick of this already...
...whoever you are...
I'm thinking of putting a link to this on my facebook info page. Who really looks at that anyway?
I dunno... I just don't want certain people seeing it, reading it, then misinterpreting what it is I'm saying.
But, then again, that's inevitable.
You'd think I'd figure this out by now.
nooooope!
:)

<3