umm... no title?

This blog post really has no outline...
I have no idea what I want to say
but, a good thing about my personality, is even when there's nothing to say, I come up with something
everthing in my head links to something else.
Now, when I'm actually talking to someone, I have a harder time expressing all this stuff, but when it's online, and I have no one following, and I don't think there's anyone who knows that this blog even exists, I think i'm safe to say what I want.
Yeah yeah yeah, you should be careful with what you put on the internet, it can always come back to haunt you... I learned that lesson full well.
If you refer back to my first blogpost, you'll see a synopsis of that...

I kinda put the idea of this blog on the back burner...
I mean, really... what do I have to say? I already compulsively journal, why broadcast it?
umm... I really don't know... I just saw our new Praise and Worship leader's blog, and wanted to write my own. *shrug*

Things have been crazy busy here lately. And haven't really stopped yet. I'm actually multi-tasking while typing this bunch of ramblings. I haven't had time to take the pictures off my camera from this weekend. So, I'm doing that. Then I have to put them on CD's so I can mail it off to Nissi tomorrow.
I've been trying to write out lesson plans since I got off work. Hoping to start up an 11-13 year olds class, but it's not set in stone, yet.
So, I'm in the process of planning out everything detailed so I can present it to our Children's Church Pastor again. Last time, I just don't think she understood my heart, and that's probably my fault. So. This time I'm taking time to plan it out, let God work, and have something to show them so they can see that this different vibe can be beneficial for these kids.

My mom just got mad at me. It's frustrating.
I guess I look like this bratty younger sister to them, but really, that's not it. They just don't take the time to understand me, and understand why things rub me the wrong way, and don't care to do anything to try and find happy medium ground.
I don't know how to explain it. So I just don't. Everytime I try, I get reprimanded for being a jerky, stuck up, snooty, ungrateful daughter. So, maybe I should just shut up.

This is when I wish that Ms. Miki was still around...
I wrote about her in my last blog post... I shoulda called her then.
She died on the 4th of July after having a heart attack. What her daughter told us is that when they did the bypass surgery, they hit an artery so she bled to death...
I found out when I was on my way to wal-mart from work...it seems that everytime I go to wal-mart after work, I find out someone dies. Well, last time it was our dog...but still.
When I read the text, I literally stopped right where I was, put my hand to my mouth, and tears just fell.
Now, see...I don't cry, really. It's rare. Well, recently it's been more common, I suppose, but I can't explain why. I guess just because I haven't in so long, and there's so much pent up on the inside, it just seeps out.
Blah blah blah, this sounds so emo. HAHA! I'm not emo, guys, I promise.
Used to be. But, Jesus is much cooler, so. :)

Aaaaanywhooooooo.....
I haven't slept much lately. Which tends to get me like this. Embarassed myself last night at the Net in the small group thing. I couldn't seem to get what was in my head understandable to everyone around me. I shouldn't have opened my mouth.
I felt really out of place. And like I was really young compared to everyone else. In a stupid aspect. Like I didn't know as much as they did...
I mean, I haven't gone to college, and they are all in college. So... maybe that's it? I Don't know.

I don't like feeling behind. Or incapable. It's frustrating.
Almost made me cry.
Although, I did cry on the way home. I felt like a 2 year old bawling my eyes out cause I'm so exhausted.
I wanted to go somewhere where someone would just hold me as I cried. But, umm...yeah, that place doesn't exist. So, I cry in my car while I can, talk to Jesus. :)
He makes everything better :)

So why am I still writing? I'm sure you're sick of this already...
...whoever you are...
I'm thinking of putting a link to this on my facebook info page. Who really looks at that anyway?
I dunno... I just don't want certain people seeing it, reading it, then misinterpreting what it is I'm saying.
But, then again, that's inevitable.
You'd think I'd figure this out by now.
nooooope!
:)

<3