"There's a Fighter in me."

I personally don't believe that there is any other explanation for all this flippin' sickness I've been dealing with for the past few years, except that satan is trying to get me.
Well, he's gonna lose. so. hah, the sucker.
There was a day--Wednesday February 7th, 2007--that Jesus moved on my heart and in my life. He had been dealing with me to give up the one thing that was keeping me from Him. It was a simple decision, I really didn't think it was a big deal.
After Church that night, I asked my S.A. (Student Advisor) if I could tell her something. She sat with me and I simply told her that I was giving it up. It was getting ridiculous. I couldn't keep making the "just get up when you fall down" excuse. I'd never give it up. I'd just keep justifying my sin and never give my whole life over to Jesus.
She cried. That's when I thought, "maybe this is bigger than I realize." Then Jesus said, "this is the last thing that you have give with that was your choice to deal with. Every thing else will be a direct attack from satan. Be ready."
Six months later is when I first started feeling sick. It was only for a few months--when I was overwhelmed and had an extremely nervous stomach. It didn't come back until that summer. Before camp even started, I had gotten so sick, I could hardly stand. someone prayed for me, and I immediately felt better. Slowly, when things got more stressful, I started to feel sick again. It really made me mad.
I went to the doctor for it after the summer was over. My cousin was worried about me because she had gotten really sick herself and didn't want the same to happen to me, so I caved and went. The doctor ended up sending me to get xrays done on my stomach--that was an experience--then called me back with the results saying, "We didn't find anything wrong, and the blood work came back fine."
That's it?
Okay...
So, I just continued on with life...
Honestly, I became oppressed. Got really depressed and every thing I had ever struggled with was slammed back into my face.
I moved to Delaware. Moved back. And during that time and thereafter decided that there was going to be no compromise.
I went back to the Doctor in August--almost exactly a year since I had gone the last time. When I got there, she asked me why I hadn't come back a year ago, that I was supposed to come back two weeks later. Umm...she never told us this. Whatever. She prescribed me some medication for a stomach ulcer--apparently unsure of what it was that is ailing me.
The first four days I was on the medication, I felt the worst I ever had. It was so miserable. After that, it seemed to be working. Well, things came up and we weren't able to get my prescription filled. I just didn't worry about it. I felt okay.
I ended up going two months without the meds.
When I couldn't take it anymore, I asked mom to get it filled...
I didn't know how, I always say the wrong things and am not even sure if I'm on insurance.
She threw a fit about it, but this was a battle worth fighting, I felt terrible.
I've been back on this medication for about a month.
I went back to the doctor for a follow up thingy, and when she asked if it was working, I told her it was--thinking it was--and she said, "I guess it was a stomach ulcer, then."
Of course, after that, I started feeling icky.
I don't think I've felt worse than I do now--especially today.
But--you know--it just reminds me of what God told me a few years ago.
Maybe that's why they can't figure out what's wrong with me.

But, you know, I'm not giving up.
This can't get me down, I'm a fighter.
I may have days where I'm a little weaker than others, where I feel it a little worse than before, where I can't keep myself distracted enough to not think about it, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up.

There's a Fighter in me.
Therefore, I have the automatic win.
:)
Haha, sucker.
the devil thought he had me, but he's just making the win more victorious.

Can someone please tell me?

What is it about me that makes people think I don't want to know the truth?

I was recently informed something from a friend of mine. And when she told us, she said, "Emilee, I knew you'd take it the hardest. I actually didn't want to tell you until like, the day of."
Really?
I'm glad she didn't. That would have crushed me.
Although I understand why she went about this the way she did, I do, I just wonder why she wouldn't want to tell me...
Sometimes I take things hard. This is a person I highly value, of course it's not going to be an easy pill to swallow... and I'm sentimental, so I suppose that makes people think they don't want to let me know and hurt me...
But because I'm sentimental, I want to know as soon as possible so that I can enjoy every moment I have...
I would have felt like complete nothing if I wouldn't have been informed... Especially since so much was developing with this, and now there's so much I have to adjust to, not just the fact that I won't have her anymore.
But at the same time, my spirit has known for a while.
Another reason why I wish I would have known sooner... My spirit has been warning me, but my head didn't understand. Now I feel completely stupid, because I would say things out of obligation, and now I know that I looked ignorant because I didn't know... My sister said I shouldn't feel stupid. But I do. I knew. Deep down inside... it was screaming at me.
She actually thought someone had already told me, but it was definitely news to me..
This would have helped me so much recently in understanding why I was feeling certain ways, and now I've already gone through the sleepless nights, and just feel dumb about it.
It just throws me through a spin...
I'm sure I am just too deep. Or just think too much. Or what the heck ever.
And I'm not placing any blame, really. Not at all. I completely understand.

I just don't ever want to feel like this again.
I'm scared--any other time this has happened, I was hurt, and lied to, and convinced myself of false hopes just to be left wondering...
I'm afraid I'll just look stupid for feeling and thinking all these things.

I know she hears God's voice. I know this is what she needs to do...like I said, my spirit has known for a while...
I just hate feeling so stupid...
and immature...
and alone.

Jesus. Thank You that You never leave me.

Just wait...

I have found myself in recent days to have a rather anxious heart...
...it has only been of late that I have finally been able to peel back the scales over my eyes to see life through the eyes God wants me to use.
That there are things that happen, or that I think I want but can't have, or that I don't want but have, or just don't understand and even so, it's okay.
I don't see the big picture.
And before, I would always look at the here and now. Or way off future--things I have absolutely no control over. I would get really anxious, and would have semi-panic attacks when I couldn't make things work myself, or figure things out, when details weren't set.
But now, I see that those little things don't matter.
I need to just focus on God--what He thinks of me, His opinion on my actions or in some cases lack thereof, where He's guiding me, etc.
I just need to trust that the One who planned out every intricate detail of the world in it's functioning and flourishing entirety is also taking care of my life.
That He knows me better than I know myself.
That He is preparing my way.
That He is helping my decision making now to prepare for later.
That He may hold back some things I think I want or need, or would make things better, or whatever to prepare me for the wonderful things planned out ahead.
That He has everything under control.
That He guides my way now when I don't understand with my best intentions in mind for the long run in ways that my human mind and planning could never know.
And that in my waiting, all the details are being ironed out.
Those things can't be rushed, ya know?

Honestly, I can't understand how people don't trust Him.
It'd be like taking a test where the teacher gave you a paper with every single answer and you choosing not to use it.

:)

I'm kinda jealous of special needs people...

They don't realize that anything is different between them and the average person next to them...
And they see life through it's true beauty that it contains.

Time heals all wounds?

Well, I heard from someone today.
It's something that I kind of never expected to happen. At all.
I had always hoped that I would hear from this person again, and in a way that wasn't bitter or angry or condeming, but I thought it would take months, maybe longer to happen.
It kinda shocked me, but, in a good way.
I mean, I was kind of a bunch of nerves the whole time, I guess just because I had been hurt, but I think it was something that needed to happen.
I was open, as I've tried to be the whole time, and the conversation was nothing but good. Almost like nothing happened at all.
I guess I'm still in a kind of shock about the whole thing. Not sure what to think about it. It almost seems to be too good to be true, but then I wonder if it's good.
I am glad the conversation happened.
I do believe this was all something that needed to soothe over...
So, maybe it really has soothed.
She ended with the quote "time heals all wounds" in her final statement. Followed by telling me family hello for her.
It just seems too simple...that all it would take is time...
*shrug*
I'll take it :)

I've learned...

a very valuable lesson.
And I do believe it is quite the obvious one, too.

I realized driving home today that I have the wrong focus...
I've been so concerned about every situation, every detail, every reaction, every...everything...
When in reality, I should be focused on Jesus, on what He wants, and on where He's taking me, and what His reaction is..
This realization made life so much easier.
I just have to learn to keep thinking like this, instead of going back to my old mindsets
but, really, it's so simple...
I think to much, and this is how to fix it...
...to change my focus.

:)

Not too sure...

About all this.
"all this" being pretty much everything.
Am I still being me?
I find myself second guessing before I say or do pretty much anything...
...which, can be a good or wise thing...
but it can also be out of fear.

What do I have to be afraid of?
screwing up.
getting hurt.
saying the wrong thing.
doing the wrong thing.
giving off the wrong impression.
clinging.
a lot.

but, I'm trying not to be afraid.

I guess I just don't know anymore.

I'll figure it out in time, I suppose.

New day, new beginning

So, this weekend has been different.
A good...no...GREAT different.
But, with different takes changes, which can be kinda tough
But worth it...definitely worth it.
Tif, Margo, and I ended up spending a lot of time together this weekend
We talked about everything, and for me...that took a lot.
I mean, there is so much I keep inside, and it's all just begging to get out
but actually exposing that part of me...that takes a lot.
That takes me willing to be completely transparent with someone...letting them see the parts about me I hate...everything.
And, considering most of it is spiritual, that's deep, ya know?
So, a lot was exposed. And a lot of it now causes me to re-evaluate my life...and make a few changes, and stuff...
So, we had these long deep conversations, I fought tears...which makes me question, you know?
The last time I exposed something deep about myself, it was to Ann, who I thought I could trust, you know? But maybe she was just the friend I was longing for that I didn't know wouldn't come til now.
I have to move on from that whole thing.
I'm just afraid I'll cling...which I don't wanna do. And I'm afraid I'll lose them. Like, we'll all move away...and then lose touch. Cause that's all I've ever known.
But maybe this will be different...
anyways....the point of this blog being...

I was sitting in church...thinking through thoughts in my head...when Pastor locks eyes with me...
He began to prophesy over me...exactly the things we were talking about this weekend.
I wish I could remember the details of all of it... I remember specifically him telling me that I won't be able to figure everything out...which made me laugh...
but I remember the end kinda made me tilt my head to the side and wonder...
Hopefully Ms. Tana can dictate it for me...if they recorded it.

So. I wait.
I know it'll be worth it.
Now I just have to find productive ways to fill my time
Without over-thinking things.

It'll be great...I trust God. :)
Even knowing that things will probably get tough.
He hasn't failed me up to now...that grants trust in my book... :)