reaction

I posted the above picture to my instagram account. Below is the response I got from one of my High School friends.

I saw your post on Instagram. You've always been beautiful! I wish I would have known this was a struggle for you and I would have told you more! I always looked at you and your love for life with such envy. To be as free as you seemed to be. It was always something I strived for. So proud of you for pursuing a new passion and taking care of you! You definitely have sparked a desire in me to live without abandon and love fiercely. I pray my sweet Caroline can embody your spirit and love of others!

With* not without

File this under the "If you have something nice to say, say it." category, because I'm sitting here in tears reading her beautiful words.
She didn't have to take the time to tell me what she felt and what I meant, but she did. And I needed to hear it, as cliche as that sounds.

I tend to go through life taking things as they come and doing my best to leave a kind taste in people's mouths. I want to be a force for good, but sometimes I feel like I'm failing miserably or that my problems I'm facing overshadow any goodness I could bring.
Jenn knew me when I was in a very dark place; a place that clouded my life since I first met it back when she knew me. It was new and I didn't know what to expect or how to navigate it. It was hard and hopeless, yet here I am ten+ years later. It's still a shadow in my life, but I've learned what to expect and how to power through it even when all seems lost. Even on the days I feel death would be easier than the darkness. Even when I feel most alone.

When you give out kindness, it has a way of coming back to you, if not always in the ways you'd expect. Just when I feel like I am isolated and not understood and that my life and story isn't one people particularly care about--only criticize--I go out on a limb and post this knowing full well that people with opinions will see it, afraid to check the notifications because I don't want pity or for people to try and make it into something it's not. Just as I'm thinking, "I just wish that people would ask about it, but not for pity or gain. I just want them to want to know. To care enough to know about my life and what I've been through to get here rather than to shallowly assume my life is roses and that I'm weak. But I don't want pity. I don't want it held over my head or to cause side glances. This is why I like strangers." I get this message, and it makes me feel like everything I've been through is worth it.

Life is worth it.
The fight is worth it.
Take it from someone on the other side.
I promise.

(edit: My favorite song just came on Pandora. Which makes my heart feel ways I can't explain. The timing, man.)
(Ps. It's Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve)

Smiles in the sky.

Yesterday I became friends with an ex-drug addict at a gas station.

Wait...What?
You heard me.

And while some people will praise me and some call me ignorant and more still will think I must be some sort of radical, it's none of those things at all.

I tried getting gas before dance. The pump was being weird. I left.
Decided to get gas after dance.
Made the logical decision of what station to go to--the easiest to get to.
Get out of my car, swipe my card, but the pump in my tank thingy, set it, and wait.
Next thing I know, I hear someone say, "Excuse me, do you know where Betty Jean is?"
I look up, and a girl is walking towards me.
I meet her kinda half-way--away from my car--and she tells me she has this address of where she needs to get to and the guy she asked for directions told her this street that she can't find and she walked all the way to this one street and back which is a rather long distance and couldn't find it. When I said, "Yeah, I do." and started pointing, she let out a sigh of relief.

Long story short; got my phone, pulled up google maps, plugged in the address, showed her the simple route from where we were.

She told me she was an ex-drug addict and was chasing the safe house instead of the drug and was just trying to get to it. She wanted to do better this time, and she didn't mind the walking because it kind of helped her but she was having a hard time finding the place.
I told her I had addictive behavior as well, that dancing helps me. She loves to dance. I told her where I take and to come try out a class. She sounded excited.

She told me how she looked up at the clouds while she was walking and saw--she laughed--a frowny face in the clouds. But that she decided she wasn't having it. She was going to stay positive and trust the outcome would be good. A little farther down the walk, she looked up again, and there was a smiley face in the clouds instead, "It's like God was telling me that He had it under control."
She seemed a little hesitant to tell me, like I would think she's crazy for seeing these things and coming to the conclusion she did. But I just said, "I see them, too." And mentioned how I see hearts everywhere, or have songs come on that I know is God confirming something.

We then talked about Lecrae and she started rapping one of her favorite verses and was so happy.

I added her on Facebook, where the story she told me matched up to what was on her timeline (about how she didn't have a phone cause she was jumped and that's how the veins got busted in her eye and she was trying to do better) and I smiled.

We shook hands and went on our ways.

It wasn't anything I was looking for.
I wasn't trying.
I didn't feel some intense knowing that I was supposed to be at that gas station last night,
But I was supposed to be at that gas station last night.

I was feeling pretty crappy before that moment. Like maybe certain things were my fault or I wasn't doing life well enough and all my troubles were a direct reflection of my life choices.
But then this happened, and I remembered why I live how I do.
God directs me all the time, even in simple things.
I just go with it.
I don't try too hard or not enough.
I just live.
That's all He's asked me to do is just live.
He takes care of the rest.

crossover

There's a post on my ballet blog that I debated writing here, but since I learned it in the studio, I decided to post it there.
Regardless, I wanted it to be here as well.
So, here it is.