Please, tell me I'm wrong...

Maybe it's just me...
No one else seems to feel the same way, or notice...
but, no one else's sister is involved, either...

Why do I freakin' care? Why do I make it such a big deal?
Why do I feel like I'm not good enough? Like they really don't care about or love me? Like I'm just an obligation?
Who told me that? No one. No one but myself...
But, I am so afraid that it must be true...
That She's the favorite...that I'm just "The little sister"--the tagalong
That I'm nobody important, and it wouldn't be noticed if I was gone...

Why can't I seem to find the words to bring up this topic and clear the air?
I could say something...go straight up and say it.
Say what?
This seems inexplainable...
and even if I did find the words, would I just look stupid?
Would I be misunderstood?

I wish I could take out my brain, and pick all this crap out of it, then stick it back in and not have to worry about it.

Why do I make it out to be such a big freakin' deal?

Jesus... please.
Help. I need something, anything... What am I supposed to do?
I don't want to lose a friend, but my instincts make me want to back off, so I stop feeling like this...
I don't want to back off... I want this friend.
But, I keep feeling like this.

I'm getting mad at myself for being like this
but, how do I change it...

I can get used to this...

I'm house-sitting for my Pastor
and have their entire house all to myself.

There are the moments where it's a bit scary...probably mostly because I'm not used to living in a town. Where every car door and dog bark makes me second guess.

But, the overall...I like it.
I can get used to this...
granted. I would probably prefer a husband to be here with me, but...
I don't know how I'm going to like going back home.
*shrug*
Oh well.

I have a feeling...

That my life is about to drastically change...
I'm not sure how at all, and I think that's what scares me.

I've been having this feeling that the beginning of January holds something...simular to last year with "the end of October" which lead to Delaware...

But, I have no idea in what direction this feeling could be leading...
If it's for me, and will affect mainly me
Or if it's for a friend and will in turn affect me
Or if someone's going to die that I don't expect and it'll change everything...

The uncertainty scares me...

I know that no matter what happens, I'll be fine. I'll make it. But I really don't want to have to go through anything extremely difficult right now.

Margo had a dream that her, my sister, and I were caught up in a terrible storm that produces tornadoes...we were in a basement thing, and the storm was directly over us, but we all clung to each other and prayed and reassured each other that Jesus is our Rescue.
That, along with this feeling I've been having, makes me a little nervous.
At least according to the dream, we'll have each other.

I had a dream last night that the church caught fire, but it never burned...but it was full of confusion as to what happened with the fire... because there was one, but it wasn't there...
Then I had a dream that Janice--my co-worker--found out that I wasn't happy at work and was looking for something else, and she said, "Okay, well, next Tuesday can be your last day."
I have no idea if that's relevant...and if that means I'll get fired, or if it means that I'll have a new offer, or if something's gonna change next Tuesday.... ah...

I'm trying not to think about it.

I have so much I need to journal, and just haven't had time to. So 'm blogging, so that way if I forget something, it's at least somewhere...


"Close your eyes pretty girl, cause it's easier when you brace yourself. Set your eyes on a world far off where we only cry from joy"--Set apart this dream, Flyleaf.

I have a feeling that'll be relevant.

so simple.

So, chances if you've spent time with me over the last 6 years, you know I've been sick. The doctors had no idea what was wrong with me. I felt like a guinea pig with all the medications they were trying on me to see if it would work because they were clueless. "Maybe you have IBS" "It could be diverticulitis" "Take this and lets see if it's a stomach ulcer" "Have you thought about if you may be lactose or gluten intolerant?" blah blah blah blah blah.

Pretty much any time I would eat, I would feel really icky. Sometimes it would get so bad that I wouldn't be able to move, sometimes it was just a little nausea. I never knew which day woul be a good day, and which ones would floor me. It became common for me to not eat on days I had to work or knew I would be busy so I'd be able to make it through the day. Especially on Tuesdays when I had dance, if I didn't eat by 2:30, I would still be feeling sick at my 6 o'clock dance class.

Well, last week at my dance class, I asked my dance teacher what she suggested I did about not being able to stand in first position. As long as I can remember, it's just never been possible, and one of my past teachers just told me to stand in either 2nd or 3rd. But, these are not 1st. So. It's not right. When Ms. Ann came over to me, she simply said, "Oh, your legs are hyperextended."

Okay...
I was kinda confused.
She showed me the proper way to stand. Apparently the way I have been standing for at least the past 10 years--especially since I've gotten taller and tended to slouch to keep eye-level with people--has been wrong.
We continued on with the class and after about five minutes, my heart rate freaked out, I became short of breath, and I could feel my stomach digesting--something that I haven't felt in...I don't know how long. I decided to try consciencously standing correctly to see what would happen.
This entire week, I have not felt sick AT ALL.
The week before this, I was curled up in a ball crying because I felt so terrible. I cried out to God, asking Him what in the world was wrong with me, and to show me how to fix it.

Apparently, correcting hyperextension is the ticket. Something so simple, yet it made such a huge difference. Thank you all so much for all your prayers, and even those of you who cared for me, you guys are so awesome.
This just proves once more how completely amazing Jesus is :)

I'm still learning.

I'm learning tons.

Pretty much everything is changing.
And what I'm having to learn the most of is not letting my mind get the best of me.
It tends to take perfectly fine situations, and make them out to be something that leaves me with black-streaked tears and sinus headaches in the morning.
I decided I'm tired of crying
And there are plenty of things I can't control
And I can't figure out what the future holds
And I shouldn't make people out to be what I expect them to become, because there could be one to actually prove me wrong, and go against the grain and actually not screw me over.
But then again, they could...
It's a risk I have to take.

I really don't have too many friends... that tends to take people by surprise? hah.
Oh well.

I love Jesus. I trust Him.
Even when I don't understand.
He's got my life in His hands

What a weekend.

Never expected all this to happen.
But, nonetheless (I love that word) time marches on.

It's times like this you realize and value the truly wonderful things you have in your life.

I am most definitely so grateful for the amazing friends I have. Because they mean a lot to me. I also have a family that's quite quirky, but also quite wonderful.
every day I realize more of what my life really holds.
The worth.
The value.
The potential...
it's a beautiful thing.

Wonderful.

Days like yesterday--unexpected, and unexplainable in their origin--are some of my favorite.
They are oh so very rare, but I do believe it's their rarity that make them so wonderful.

I'm not alone.
I do have someone who cares to take the time to care about me.
Someone who loves me.

And with this, comes great risk. I learn more and more everyday about the risk of giving someone love. So many people have just taken my love when they needed it, then shoved me out in the cold later. It hurts, it really does.
So how do I know this one won't come back to slap me in the face?
I don't.

But I've decided to take the risk.
The risk of love, and maybe not always being loved in return.

I know I can do solitude.
It will always be there for me if things don't work out again.
But, while I have it, I'm going to enjoy this hope.