A sky without clouds is rather boring...

I mean, sure, blue sky is pretty and all
But, without even one cloud in the sky... it's pretty boring...
I always say I have a favorite kind of cloud, but, truth is, I say it about every kind.
I think they're all really pretty, and have different artistic values.
I love when all the different kinds are meshed into one sky.
With loads of different shades and colors
Usually mixed with a sunrise or sunset.

So, why am I saying all of this?

Because, it's kinda like life...

If everything was super duper all the time, life would be pretty boring.
I don't think we'd appreciate what we have.
Clouds and storms are what make life beautiful.
It's when we learn the most
It's when we figure out who we are
Who we really are.

I heard someone say today that Moss doesn't grow on the top of the mountain, it grows in the valleys.
We grow in the valleys, not in the victories
So, we have to learn to love the valleys, the clouds, the whatever other metephor you can come up with.

Love it :)

yeah, about that.

I've come to a realization.
That life is far less complicated when I'm not worried.
Particularily, when I'm not worried about people.

Yes, I know, I am aware that this life is all about people--which I'm totally game for--but why worry about people in a way I'm not supposed to?
I need to stop trying to be something or someone I'm not.

A little concern in the back of my head is that they won't like me anymore.
That they'll think I'm mad at them.
Truth is, I'm not.
Maybe before I had forced the friendship, or...something.
Heck, I really don't know.
But, whatever happens with everyone just... happens.

Part of me feels the need to apologize.
Another part tells me not to worry about it.

The whole not worry thing makes me feel a whole heck of a lot better.
But what if it back fires on me? And I realize I made them feel bad?
Well... I'm not responsible for their reaction, just my action, right?

Heck, I really don't know.

I'm pretty much sucking at life as it is, might as well make it a little easier on me.

Something has to happen soon. Because if not. Well, I don't know what's gonna happen.

I'm just focused on my Jesus.
Focusing on Him makes everything soooo much easier.
I just wish I had more hours in the day to get everything done that I need to.

My life is a bittersweet symphony...

So, we just got back from spending the weekend at Discovery Camp.
It was beyond amazing, Jesus really showed up and took over, and I know none of our youth came back the same.
Honestly, I've been nervous about it for a while, now. So many emotions are swirling around my head, and I wasn't quite sure how it would all pan out. I trusted that it would go well, because if not, I would have stayed home.

I wish I could have just journaled every moment, so I wouldn't forget any of it. I have most of it down now, but still have much more to write about, and I'm sure I forgot some details. I wrote the first night, and then twice today (once before first service, then the entire drive home) and I still have more to get down.

Seeing my friends up there went very well--better than I expected--and I even ran into some people I didn't expect to see there. Including Christina Millman. :) That really made my day. I haven't seen her in forever, and she is just great, so anytime I see her is automatically ten times better than normal.

I cried a lot. I remember when I would never cry... now, I find myself modeling that whole situation after that of my first year RA. I remember seeing her when she found out her best friend was pregnant. She sat on her bed and cried.
After she cried, she apologized. I told her apologizing was unnecessary, because in reality, she was showing me how to be a real leader. Feel. You're created to feel. Don't fight it. Don't dwell on it, either, but don't push it aside thinking it'll be out of sight, out of mind.

I found myself perplexed often. So many different things going on in my head all at once can get pretty demanding on a person, but He told me,
"Don't worry. Things are going to get better when you get home. because you deserve it."
and,
"Let your heart trust the Lord."
I also sat down with my dear friend Courtney, and gave her a brief synopsis of everything, and you could just see her heart was full of compassion. And talking to her, I actually felt peace. Like, for some reason I knew and believed everything would be okay... That there was hope...
She prayed for me, and it really meant the world to me. She is a high quality individual. I remember the first time we met. :) I really am proud of her.

Anyways. This whole experience has held many bittersweet moments.
We were in my old dorm, with my old room... Flashbacks seemed to never end.
I'm also faced with pressure, and all the guilt in stuff for myself...
Anyways...
I miss that place. And all the encouragement simply standing on the grounds brings.
Life could be literally falling apart at the seems. You step on those grounds, you're at peace.

The hard thing is knowing that I'm not supposed to be there. That Jesus told me, "I'll give you the desires of your heart, but you can't reach everything I've called you to here."
So, I'm back home.
I literally have no idea what my point in life is.

But, I'll still hold on.
Things will work out. they always do... Always

Words change the world.

I was reading a blog of a Rockette
And it got me to thinking...
What if I wrote without worrying what people who read thought about it?
What if I really wrote what was on my heart and mind
And not take a moment to apologize.
Is what I write me, or isn't it?
Because if it isn't, what's the point of writing it?

I feel.
I'm not perfect.
I'm sure I'll say things that'll hurt people
But, I'm sure those people hurt by my words will also one day hurt someone with theirs...
I mean, I shouldn't blatently be rude, but I'm not always going to be successful.
Everyone is different in how they take things anyways...

I have a total of two followers.
Two.
2.
Dos.
That's it.
And, to top it off, I don't even know them
(but, hey, thanks for following me :D)
I've been so afraid for people to see this.
The feeling of exposure.
Like it's proof saying, "Hey, Emilee's not perfect! She has faults! Come see!"
But, then again, if I didn't want people to know, why would I blog?
Surely someone could find this if they wanted to.

But, who knows? My words could actually hold value...
Sure, I'm not much.
I'm not very profound.
But, I'm not you.
Which automatically gives me a different edge
Just because chances are I see things a little differently.
Or, if not, I'm someone you can relate to.

So, why hold it back?
Why hide this thing any longer?

I have something to say
why be afraid to say it?

One day, I'm going to die
We all are.
And isn't it funny that we seem to only get taken seriously after we're gone
And we don't have a mouth to move to form any more words?
All that's left is what we left behind.

One day, these words will hold meaning.
That's why I blog.
I have two followers now
But one day, someone I may not have even ever known will come across these words, read them, and maybe even be inspired.
Heck, I don't feel very inspirational, but who knows?

Maybe just exposing my flaws can help someone feel a little more normal.

So, here I am world.
I'm flawed.
I make mistakes.
I'll probably hurt and disappoint you.
But, I'm more than that.
I'm one little life
But I'm letting Jesus take control of it.
He's teaching me new things every day.

My life is His.
As imperfect and corrupt as it is...
But, I'm trying my best to make it an offering even remotely worthing of anything.
He loves me. Imperfections and all.
:)
And He loves you.
Best part is, He wants you imperfect... He wants you real...
He wants you.

"my mom likes you =)
she said...your friend emilee is sooooo sweet"

I love it :)
It really means a lot to hear things like this...

Should be lookin' forward.

I'm human.
I'm imperfect.
I screw up.
I love.
I hurt.
I get confused
And I'm sure I confuse plenty.

So, why I can't I just accept this fact and move forward toward the future?

I feel extremely guilty about it.
I shouldn't.
I'm forgiven.
I've even asked forgiveness from the people I hurt.
Even though it took me a while to realize what I did.
Years, in some cases.

So, why does it still bother me?
I don't know...
I guess because I don't understand
And I don't want it to happen again.

I've had some pretty great friends slip away.
Because of stupid differences and petty arguments.
Now, I wonder what even happened...
Some, I can pinpoint reasons.
Some I can't.
Either way, I miss them.
I miss the memories.

Why don't I just accept I can't have what once was
and move on.

I have plenty to be grateful for here and now.

I guess I'm just afraid it'll become like everything else.
Because I suppose it's all I've known.

I can't let fear run my life anymore.
I'm a new me.
I wish I could just start over.
Have everyone forget the me they know, and just become a new person.

If only it was that easy.

Jesus is the same

Jesus has really been working on my heart lately.
At prayer on Thursday... man, I wasn't expecting what He did for me.
Prayer went...pretty late. But we got into this Holy Spirit laugh fest, which I haven't experienced since Pastor Glenn had his church, Petra. From there, he went over and prayed for Lizette. I just kinda sat there, taking in the whole moment. I was pretty overwhelmed with Jesus, in a way I haven't been in a while.
Then, Pastor Glenn came up to me.
He started praying for me, and declaring peace over me... and countless other things. It was completely unexpected, but it began to chip away at the hard surface that my heart had become.
All the worries, all the fears, all the weight, it began to fall away.

"Why do you insist on carrying a burden that isn't yours to bear? Give it to Me, it's what I died for."
"You're doing the right thing."
"How much do you love me? You say you do, but do you truly love me? More than anyone else in your life, even your closest friend? Don't worry about them...don't worry about pleasing them, or if you're doing the right thing, or if they'll get upset...this isn't about you and them, it's about you and Me."

Those are just a few things God told me.
It was very reassuring...

Then, Friday, life got me all shook up.
I tried to fight to cling to the words from the day before, but I felt like I was swept up in a tornado. I was suffocating under people's opinions.
This was something I had dealt with before, but in another way...
Before it was "Am I good enough for them? Am I pretty enough? Do I say the right things?"
Now it had become, "Am I there enough for everyone? I want to do this, but if I do, then they might not like it, and I need for them to approve. Maybe I'll just get their opinion, see what they think... but what if they don't agree? Am I enough for everyone? Am I happy enough? Do I encourage enough? Do I come around enough? Do I sacrifice enough?"
Way too much pressure for one person to handle.

How about I just do what God tells me, no matter what...no matter who it may hurt, or who may not understand--that's not mine to handle, it's God's... I'm just supposed to walk where He leads me, and let Him take care of the rest.

It's not always easy, but it's right.
Who knows? Where I would naturally have compromised to keep a friendship might just be supporting them in a place in their walk they're not supposed to be in... And, honestly, that's not a very good friend... I mean, yeah, you want to be there for them and all, but you don't want to justify their sin, or whatever you want to call it.

Not saying that these people are sinning, because, honestly, I don't know. And I think that's what's made it so hard. I don't know what's going on, so I don't know how I'm supposed to act.
I'm like an actor without a script.
Not anymore.
Now I shall be like when Mrs. Rachel would call us on stage and have us exort the congregation without any warning. When she did that, you had to fully rely on God and God alone. No one else could give you what to say.
So, I'm throwing away the temptation of a script at all
I'm going scriptless

That's full trust.

Sometimes, I wish all this would go away. So that way, life would be easy, and I wouldn't have to worry about anything.
But, then, what would I learn? Nothing about myself. Nothing about trust.
Nothing that God has shown me the past three days.

He's working everything out.
He continuously calms my anxious heart.

He is my everything.
Thank You, Jesus.