Yesterday.

Yesterday was a really hard day.

I had planned on going to my house to spend time with my family since they were out of state for my birthday. We have this birthday dinner tradition, and since they missed it, this was a good day to make it up.
When I drove up, I honked at my dad. He waited for me before going into the house from the shop, and hugged me when I parked.
Something felt different, but I had no idea why.
He hugged me
longer than usual.
Maybe he just really missed me?
I pulled away and looked in his eyes
"I have some not so great news"
I thought about the dogs and what had been said before
that if my dog Faith attacked the outside dog April that we'd have to kill Faith
or maybe April just died of old age...
he said
"Your dog is no longer with us"

my heart sunk.

my first reaction was to just fight it.
You knew this would happen
Why should it come as a shock?
Just be okay.
You knew it was coming.

Then dad hugged me again.
And I cried.

He started telling me about it.
How Faith had gotten out, and how Chad tried everything he could to get her off of April.
How Chad felt so guilty and my sister was blaming herself.

It no ones fault... it was bound to happen...

I was looking forward to seeing her.
My week had been rough, and I had really just wanted some kind of constant. Something sure.
My dog knew me better than any human.
If no one could see something was wrong with me, she knew.
And now she's gone.
And it's not like a human where you have the confidence of heaven.

I can't pet her.
She can't lick my face.
She wasn't waiting for me at the door when I got there
I remembered the look of concern on her face when I started packing my car the last time I was home
as if she was saying
"Why are you leaving me?"
"Why again?"
I wanted so badly to take her with me...

It was my fear that when I moved out, something like this would happen
either with her or with my family.
And it happened.

I'm trusting God,
that maybe this is for the best
That maybe I should stop being selfish...
My dad could have had a heart attack...
...I don't know what I'd do without him...

There's just so much emotion
So much I'm feeling right now
So much uncertainty.

I trust God.
I do.
I know I'll be okay.
It's just a dog.
All the ties that were to her will eventually heal.

I just need some time.

Flyleaf.

I went to the Flyleaf concert last night
I've always loved their music, for numerous reasons, but now I respect them all the more.

It was one of those concerts where you leave honored to listen to their music.

You can see the passion and humility all over each of them. It's like it's no one else but them and God there. And it wasn't about them, it was all to God's glory.

They meant more to me than I can say on such a public blog
even though I only have 4 followers
one day I may have more.
who knows.

But still.
Their lyrics are beyond powerful, and are deeper than pretty much anyone dares to go.
They speak right to my soul and my spirit.
And give me a feeling that I can't even begin to explain.
They make me feel understood.

Memento Mori.

Happy Birthday.

Tomorrow is my birthday.
I really never know how to feel about them
and, honestly, I'm kinda looking forward to it being over...
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to feel that my day is special to me
and in a lot of ways it is
I mean, come on...
It's elephant appreciation day
Dear Diary Day
and the day the ice cream cone was invented.

That's me in a nut shell.

And it's also my birthday day.
The day that I turn the age that is the coordinating number of the day I was born
(22 on the 22nd)
I've been looking forward to this since I figured out when I was about 8 or 9 years old.

Anyways.
Something I've noticed about people when they have a birthday is that they say "Thank You, God, for giving me another year."
Umm... how do you know?
not that God has given it to you, because I know He makes every morning
But that fact that you have another year.
a whole 365 days.
I mean, honestly, it's not garanteed...
Granted, most people will see the next entire year
But, we aren't invincible.

I'm not meaning to sound morbid, or depressing, or whatever
Just meaning to put things into perspective.

So, as my birthday approaches tomorrow
I choose to thank God for giving me that day.
Another one.
Another opportunity to live for Him.
To be His hands and feet.
That's all my heart desires...
To be His hands, feet, arms and heart.

Thank You, Jesus, for another day to do just that.
:)

One of those days.

Not necessarily bad, just rather contemplative.

My heart is kinda heavy, but most of the time I choose not to acknowledge it. I guess I've convinced myself that it will make it all go away, perhaps fix everything.
It hasn't.
Regardless, I don't know what to do about it.
I guess I shall do nothing at all.
Still, I feel like it's my fault
afterall, it must be, right? Since I'm the one that doesn't understand anyway.
Now, of course the song that comes on is one of those that reminds me of you.
Maybe this is nothing...
Your tweets, tumblrs, and facebooks suggest otherwise.

Why does life have complications?
Why can't it just be happy.
I mean, life isn't perfect right now, work's a little difficult, I don't make enough money
But it's happy.
Generally.
So, why can't this go away?
Why do I feel guilt?

These are the things I like to just shrug
the ones that I hope to be just nothing that time won't fix
but in the end, they seem to be the ones that become something...

So I sit
at my round table in the corner
wishing I was better hidden, but grateful to be able to watch the people
it makes me feel a little less alone
that everything will be okay.
The comfort of a room full of strangers.

It's raining, it's pouring...

No. Really.
It's been raining almost non-stop all weekend.
well, it kinda stopped on Friday, off and on. And yesterday, there may have been one time it wasn't raining.
But today, not as long as I've been paying attention

am I upset? not at all! I'm actually quite contented with this :)
Now, it will be a little unpleasent if I'm not able to make it to work, because I don't get paid for weather days... so to get money I may have to risk my life. But that's okay.
It's suppose to continue to rain all week.
My birthday is Wednesday. I really hope it rains that day.
It would pretty much make my day.
:)

Living moved out has been great. It wasn't until recently that I even gave a second thought to insecurities. I'm trying to not let them get the best of me.

I caught myself yesterday saying, "I love too many people..."
Because... I mean... there are so many people that I love, that mean a lot to me...and I'm so busy all the time, I feel like I can't keep up with them. It's especially sucky when really important ones seem to distance. I don't know what to do. and I feel like it's all my fault...

Then I caught myself saying, just a few hours later, "Man, I just love people..."
Because knowing people and enjoying them just makes me so happy.

So, what is my deal?
I realized today that I really don't like being alone.
I mean, I do, but I don't.
I'm with myself 24/7. And I want to enjoy the people I have in my life while I have them...

It's a complicated thing...

If I die young...

Tell my mom she was right. And that I married the most amazing Husband you could ever dream or fathom. That He is wealthy, because He owns the cattle on a thousand hills...
Thank her for me. Because she's the greatest mom, and raised me to love God and listen to His voice.

Tell my dad I love him. That his baby girl is safe from all harm. Tell him he's the greatest dad anyone could ever ask for, and thank you for everything he's given me.

Tell my sister that she's the greatest sister I could have ever asked for, and that I'm so glad we're sisters and friends. Tell her I'm sorry that she doesn't have another sister now...

Tell my brother in law he's the bomb.com. That he's the best brother I've ever known. Tell him that it's okay. Tell him not to hold a grudge against whoever did this to me.

Tell my Grandma that Grandpa says hello, and that I love her greatly

Tell my family that they're the best.

Tell my friends I miss them and love them.

Tell the world about Jesus

How

How did I ever move to Delaware?
I have no idea.
Maybe I was just more heartless then.
Or maybe it's just different now.
Maybe I can sense deep down somewhere that things are different this time...

This is hard
Because I'm a feeler
And I'm a softy.
I'm fighting off fear that this is the last time I'll see normalcy like this.
Like, something's going to happen that I don't know.

God wouldn't lead me into this next step unless He was guiding and going before me.

I might cry.

Gosh, I'm so lame.
My house is literally 40 minutes away.
When I moved last time, they were 27 hours away.

Maybe the extreme made it easier.
That's probably why I find myself being an extremist...
It's the in between that's the hardest.
Kinda like with seasons in life
It's the in between...

I just have to trust I'll be okay.

Heck, I could back out if I wanted to.

I have no idea where my life is heading...

This is it.
I could turn back
And every childish fear in me is screaming to
But, there is no backing out now.
I've had too many dreams
There's too many unknowns to explore.

I gotta suck it up and enjoy the journey.

oops.

I'm supposed to be taking pictures in about an hour.
I'm just now starting to pack...
To move in.

Oh man.
Time has gotten away from me today...

I feel like I'm stuck in two different times.
Like two worlds are colliding.

It's a little overwhelming.

Oh well!
It'll prove great

so it begins.

I start moving out tomorrow.
I'm excited and nervous at the same time
I know it's going to be good, that this experience is one that will be good for me
But I know at the same time, it's gonna be a little difficult.
New things are always difficult.
But, it's a good difficult...

I know I'm going to learn a lot about myself.

I realize I'm having a...not really hard...but... whatever the adjective would be time with this, because I never thought I'd get this far.
And so I don't know what to do.
But, here's where faith and trust in God come in

:)