Please, tell me I'm wrong...

Maybe it's just me...
No one else seems to feel the same way, or notice...
but, no one else's sister is involved, either...

Why do I freakin' care? Why do I make it such a big deal?
Why do I feel like I'm not good enough? Like they really don't care about or love me? Like I'm just an obligation?
Who told me that? No one. No one but myself...
But, I am so afraid that it must be true...
That She's the favorite...that I'm just "The little sister"--the tagalong
That I'm nobody important, and it wouldn't be noticed if I was gone...

Why can't I seem to find the words to bring up this topic and clear the air?
I could say something...go straight up and say it.
Say what?
This seems inexplainable...
and even if I did find the words, would I just look stupid?
Would I be misunderstood?

I wish I could take out my brain, and pick all this crap out of it, then stick it back in and not have to worry about it.

Why do I make it out to be such a big freakin' deal?

Jesus... please.
Help. I need something, anything... What am I supposed to do?
I don't want to lose a friend, but my instincts make me want to back off, so I stop feeling like this...
I don't want to back off... I want this friend.
But, I keep feeling like this.

I'm getting mad at myself for being like this
but, how do I change it...

I can get used to this...

I'm house-sitting for my Pastor
and have their entire house all to myself.

There are the moments where it's a bit scary...probably mostly because I'm not used to living in a town. Where every car door and dog bark makes me second guess.

But, the overall...I like it.
I can get used to this...
granted. I would probably prefer a husband to be here with me, but...
I don't know how I'm going to like going back home.
*shrug*
Oh well.

I have a feeling...

That my life is about to drastically change...
I'm not sure how at all, and I think that's what scares me.

I've been having this feeling that the beginning of January holds something...simular to last year with "the end of October" which lead to Delaware...

But, I have no idea in what direction this feeling could be leading...
If it's for me, and will affect mainly me
Or if it's for a friend and will in turn affect me
Or if someone's going to die that I don't expect and it'll change everything...

The uncertainty scares me...

I know that no matter what happens, I'll be fine. I'll make it. But I really don't want to have to go through anything extremely difficult right now.

Margo had a dream that her, my sister, and I were caught up in a terrible storm that produces tornadoes...we were in a basement thing, and the storm was directly over us, but we all clung to each other and prayed and reassured each other that Jesus is our Rescue.
That, along with this feeling I've been having, makes me a little nervous.
At least according to the dream, we'll have each other.

I had a dream last night that the church caught fire, but it never burned...but it was full of confusion as to what happened with the fire... because there was one, but it wasn't there...
Then I had a dream that Janice--my co-worker--found out that I wasn't happy at work and was looking for something else, and she said, "Okay, well, next Tuesday can be your last day."
I have no idea if that's relevant...and if that means I'll get fired, or if it means that I'll have a new offer, or if something's gonna change next Tuesday.... ah...

I'm trying not to think about it.

I have so much I need to journal, and just haven't had time to. So 'm blogging, so that way if I forget something, it's at least somewhere...


"Close your eyes pretty girl, cause it's easier when you brace yourself. Set your eyes on a world far off where we only cry from joy"--Set apart this dream, Flyleaf.

I have a feeling that'll be relevant.

so simple.

So, chances if you've spent time with me over the last 6 years, you know I've been sick. The doctors had no idea what was wrong with me. I felt like a guinea pig with all the medications they were trying on me to see if it would work because they were clueless. "Maybe you have IBS" "It could be diverticulitis" "Take this and lets see if it's a stomach ulcer" "Have you thought about if you may be lactose or gluten intolerant?" blah blah blah blah blah.

Pretty much any time I would eat, I would feel really icky. Sometimes it would get so bad that I wouldn't be able to move, sometimes it was just a little nausea. I never knew which day woul be a good day, and which ones would floor me. It became common for me to not eat on days I had to work or knew I would be busy so I'd be able to make it through the day. Especially on Tuesdays when I had dance, if I didn't eat by 2:30, I would still be feeling sick at my 6 o'clock dance class.

Well, last week at my dance class, I asked my dance teacher what she suggested I did about not being able to stand in first position. As long as I can remember, it's just never been possible, and one of my past teachers just told me to stand in either 2nd or 3rd. But, these are not 1st. So. It's not right. When Ms. Ann came over to me, she simply said, "Oh, your legs are hyperextended."

Okay...
I was kinda confused.
She showed me the proper way to stand. Apparently the way I have been standing for at least the past 10 years--especially since I've gotten taller and tended to slouch to keep eye-level with people--has been wrong.
We continued on with the class and after about five minutes, my heart rate freaked out, I became short of breath, and I could feel my stomach digesting--something that I haven't felt in...I don't know how long. I decided to try consciencously standing correctly to see what would happen.
This entire week, I have not felt sick AT ALL.
The week before this, I was curled up in a ball crying because I felt so terrible. I cried out to God, asking Him what in the world was wrong with me, and to show me how to fix it.

Apparently, correcting hyperextension is the ticket. Something so simple, yet it made such a huge difference. Thank you all so much for all your prayers, and even those of you who cared for me, you guys are so awesome.
This just proves once more how completely amazing Jesus is :)

I'm still learning.

I'm learning tons.

Pretty much everything is changing.
And what I'm having to learn the most of is not letting my mind get the best of me.
It tends to take perfectly fine situations, and make them out to be something that leaves me with black-streaked tears and sinus headaches in the morning.
I decided I'm tired of crying
And there are plenty of things I can't control
And I can't figure out what the future holds
And I shouldn't make people out to be what I expect them to become, because there could be one to actually prove me wrong, and go against the grain and actually not screw me over.
But then again, they could...
It's a risk I have to take.

I really don't have too many friends... that tends to take people by surprise? hah.
Oh well.

I love Jesus. I trust Him.
Even when I don't understand.
He's got my life in His hands

What a weekend.

Never expected all this to happen.
But, nonetheless (I love that word) time marches on.

It's times like this you realize and value the truly wonderful things you have in your life.

I am most definitely so grateful for the amazing friends I have. Because they mean a lot to me. I also have a family that's quite quirky, but also quite wonderful.
every day I realize more of what my life really holds.
The worth.
The value.
The potential...
it's a beautiful thing.

Wonderful.

Days like yesterday--unexpected, and unexplainable in their origin--are some of my favorite.
They are oh so very rare, but I do believe it's their rarity that make them so wonderful.

I'm not alone.
I do have someone who cares to take the time to care about me.
Someone who loves me.

And with this, comes great risk. I learn more and more everyday about the risk of giving someone love. So many people have just taken my love when they needed it, then shoved me out in the cold later. It hurts, it really does.
So how do I know this one won't come back to slap me in the face?
I don't.

But I've decided to take the risk.
The risk of love, and maybe not always being loved in return.

I know I can do solitude.
It will always be there for me if things don't work out again.
But, while I have it, I'm going to enjoy this hope.

"There's a Fighter in me."

I personally don't believe that there is any other explanation for all this flippin' sickness I've been dealing with for the past few years, except that satan is trying to get me.
Well, he's gonna lose. so. hah, the sucker.
There was a day--Wednesday February 7th, 2007--that Jesus moved on my heart and in my life. He had been dealing with me to give up the one thing that was keeping me from Him. It was a simple decision, I really didn't think it was a big deal.
After Church that night, I asked my S.A. (Student Advisor) if I could tell her something. She sat with me and I simply told her that I was giving it up. It was getting ridiculous. I couldn't keep making the "just get up when you fall down" excuse. I'd never give it up. I'd just keep justifying my sin and never give my whole life over to Jesus.
She cried. That's when I thought, "maybe this is bigger than I realize." Then Jesus said, "this is the last thing that you have give with that was your choice to deal with. Every thing else will be a direct attack from satan. Be ready."
Six months later is when I first started feeling sick. It was only for a few months--when I was overwhelmed and had an extremely nervous stomach. It didn't come back until that summer. Before camp even started, I had gotten so sick, I could hardly stand. someone prayed for me, and I immediately felt better. Slowly, when things got more stressful, I started to feel sick again. It really made me mad.
I went to the doctor for it after the summer was over. My cousin was worried about me because she had gotten really sick herself and didn't want the same to happen to me, so I caved and went. The doctor ended up sending me to get xrays done on my stomach--that was an experience--then called me back with the results saying, "We didn't find anything wrong, and the blood work came back fine."
That's it?
Okay...
So, I just continued on with life...
Honestly, I became oppressed. Got really depressed and every thing I had ever struggled with was slammed back into my face.
I moved to Delaware. Moved back. And during that time and thereafter decided that there was going to be no compromise.
I went back to the Doctor in August--almost exactly a year since I had gone the last time. When I got there, she asked me why I hadn't come back a year ago, that I was supposed to come back two weeks later. Umm...she never told us this. Whatever. She prescribed me some medication for a stomach ulcer--apparently unsure of what it was that is ailing me.
The first four days I was on the medication, I felt the worst I ever had. It was so miserable. After that, it seemed to be working. Well, things came up and we weren't able to get my prescription filled. I just didn't worry about it. I felt okay.
I ended up going two months without the meds.
When I couldn't take it anymore, I asked mom to get it filled...
I didn't know how, I always say the wrong things and am not even sure if I'm on insurance.
She threw a fit about it, but this was a battle worth fighting, I felt terrible.
I've been back on this medication for about a month.
I went back to the doctor for a follow up thingy, and when she asked if it was working, I told her it was--thinking it was--and she said, "I guess it was a stomach ulcer, then."
Of course, after that, I started feeling icky.
I don't think I've felt worse than I do now--especially today.
But--you know--it just reminds me of what God told me a few years ago.
Maybe that's why they can't figure out what's wrong with me.

But, you know, I'm not giving up.
This can't get me down, I'm a fighter.
I may have days where I'm a little weaker than others, where I feel it a little worse than before, where I can't keep myself distracted enough to not think about it, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up.

There's a Fighter in me.
Therefore, I have the automatic win.
:)
Haha, sucker.
the devil thought he had me, but he's just making the win more victorious.

Can someone please tell me?

What is it about me that makes people think I don't want to know the truth?

I was recently informed something from a friend of mine. And when she told us, she said, "Emilee, I knew you'd take it the hardest. I actually didn't want to tell you until like, the day of."
Really?
I'm glad she didn't. That would have crushed me.
Although I understand why she went about this the way she did, I do, I just wonder why she wouldn't want to tell me...
Sometimes I take things hard. This is a person I highly value, of course it's not going to be an easy pill to swallow... and I'm sentimental, so I suppose that makes people think they don't want to let me know and hurt me...
But because I'm sentimental, I want to know as soon as possible so that I can enjoy every moment I have...
I would have felt like complete nothing if I wouldn't have been informed... Especially since so much was developing with this, and now there's so much I have to adjust to, not just the fact that I won't have her anymore.
But at the same time, my spirit has known for a while.
Another reason why I wish I would have known sooner... My spirit has been warning me, but my head didn't understand. Now I feel completely stupid, because I would say things out of obligation, and now I know that I looked ignorant because I didn't know... My sister said I shouldn't feel stupid. But I do. I knew. Deep down inside... it was screaming at me.
She actually thought someone had already told me, but it was definitely news to me..
This would have helped me so much recently in understanding why I was feeling certain ways, and now I've already gone through the sleepless nights, and just feel dumb about it.
It just throws me through a spin...
I'm sure I am just too deep. Or just think too much. Or what the heck ever.
And I'm not placing any blame, really. Not at all. I completely understand.

I just don't ever want to feel like this again.
I'm scared--any other time this has happened, I was hurt, and lied to, and convinced myself of false hopes just to be left wondering...
I'm afraid I'll just look stupid for feeling and thinking all these things.

I know she hears God's voice. I know this is what she needs to do...like I said, my spirit has known for a while...
I just hate feeling so stupid...
and immature...
and alone.

Jesus. Thank You that You never leave me.

Just wait...

I have found myself in recent days to have a rather anxious heart...
...it has only been of late that I have finally been able to peel back the scales over my eyes to see life through the eyes God wants me to use.
That there are things that happen, or that I think I want but can't have, or that I don't want but have, or just don't understand and even so, it's okay.
I don't see the big picture.
And before, I would always look at the here and now. Or way off future--things I have absolutely no control over. I would get really anxious, and would have semi-panic attacks when I couldn't make things work myself, or figure things out, when details weren't set.
But now, I see that those little things don't matter.
I need to just focus on God--what He thinks of me, His opinion on my actions or in some cases lack thereof, where He's guiding me, etc.
I just need to trust that the One who planned out every intricate detail of the world in it's functioning and flourishing entirety is also taking care of my life.
That He knows me better than I know myself.
That He is preparing my way.
That He is helping my decision making now to prepare for later.
That He may hold back some things I think I want or need, or would make things better, or whatever to prepare me for the wonderful things planned out ahead.
That He has everything under control.
That He guides my way now when I don't understand with my best intentions in mind for the long run in ways that my human mind and planning could never know.
And that in my waiting, all the details are being ironed out.
Those things can't be rushed, ya know?

Honestly, I can't understand how people don't trust Him.
It'd be like taking a test where the teacher gave you a paper with every single answer and you choosing not to use it.

:)

I'm kinda jealous of special needs people...

They don't realize that anything is different between them and the average person next to them...
And they see life through it's true beauty that it contains.

Time heals all wounds?

Well, I heard from someone today.
It's something that I kind of never expected to happen. At all.
I had always hoped that I would hear from this person again, and in a way that wasn't bitter or angry or condeming, but I thought it would take months, maybe longer to happen.
It kinda shocked me, but, in a good way.
I mean, I was kind of a bunch of nerves the whole time, I guess just because I had been hurt, but I think it was something that needed to happen.
I was open, as I've tried to be the whole time, and the conversation was nothing but good. Almost like nothing happened at all.
I guess I'm still in a kind of shock about the whole thing. Not sure what to think about it. It almost seems to be too good to be true, but then I wonder if it's good.
I am glad the conversation happened.
I do believe this was all something that needed to soothe over...
So, maybe it really has soothed.
She ended with the quote "time heals all wounds" in her final statement. Followed by telling me family hello for her.
It just seems too simple...that all it would take is time...
*shrug*
I'll take it :)

I've learned...

a very valuable lesson.
And I do believe it is quite the obvious one, too.

I realized driving home today that I have the wrong focus...
I've been so concerned about every situation, every detail, every reaction, every...everything...
When in reality, I should be focused on Jesus, on what He wants, and on where He's taking me, and what His reaction is..
This realization made life so much easier.
I just have to learn to keep thinking like this, instead of going back to my old mindsets
but, really, it's so simple...
I think to much, and this is how to fix it...
...to change my focus.

:)

Not too sure...

About all this.
"all this" being pretty much everything.
Am I still being me?
I find myself second guessing before I say or do pretty much anything...
...which, can be a good or wise thing...
but it can also be out of fear.

What do I have to be afraid of?
screwing up.
getting hurt.
saying the wrong thing.
doing the wrong thing.
giving off the wrong impression.
clinging.
a lot.

but, I'm trying not to be afraid.

I guess I just don't know anymore.

I'll figure it out in time, I suppose.

New day, new beginning

So, this weekend has been different.
A good...no...GREAT different.
But, with different takes changes, which can be kinda tough
But worth it...definitely worth it.
Tif, Margo, and I ended up spending a lot of time together this weekend
We talked about everything, and for me...that took a lot.
I mean, there is so much I keep inside, and it's all just begging to get out
but actually exposing that part of me...that takes a lot.
That takes me willing to be completely transparent with someone...letting them see the parts about me I hate...everything.
And, considering most of it is spiritual, that's deep, ya know?
So, a lot was exposed. And a lot of it now causes me to re-evaluate my life...and make a few changes, and stuff...
So, we had these long deep conversations, I fought tears...which makes me question, you know?
The last time I exposed something deep about myself, it was to Ann, who I thought I could trust, you know? But maybe she was just the friend I was longing for that I didn't know wouldn't come til now.
I have to move on from that whole thing.
I'm just afraid I'll cling...which I don't wanna do. And I'm afraid I'll lose them. Like, we'll all move away...and then lose touch. Cause that's all I've ever known.
But maybe this will be different...
anyways....the point of this blog being...

I was sitting in church...thinking through thoughts in my head...when Pastor locks eyes with me...
He began to prophesy over me...exactly the things we were talking about this weekend.
I wish I could remember the details of all of it... I remember specifically him telling me that I won't be able to figure everything out...which made me laugh...
but I remember the end kinda made me tilt my head to the side and wonder...
Hopefully Ms. Tana can dictate it for me...if they recorded it.

So. I wait.
I know it'll be worth it.
Now I just have to find productive ways to fill my time
Without over-thinking things.

It'll be great...I trust God. :)
Even knowing that things will probably get tough.
He hasn't failed me up to now...that grants trust in my book... :)

I was going to post a new blog

But it was too emo.

so. I'll just leave it.

I had that feeling again

I guess it is reliable...

Still not sure how to handle death
but this is one that's not necessarily as much of a home-hitter to me personally
but it hits home to me because it hits home to people very dear to my heart
and I know what emotion and questions and difficulty is coming their way
and I know there is some I can't even imagine...

I'm just so thankful that I know I have Jesus, and that He is holding them so tightly, and that He is comforting them, and bringing them peace, and giving them dreams to help them understand
and that they are strong.
and when they are weak, He is strong through them.

Thank You, Jesus :)

So now, I just pray...

I don't really like this feeling.
I feel like crying, but have no reason to.
Usually when I feel like this, I later find out of someone close to me dying
but I think it might just be from the weird dream I had last night added with reports of friends with swine flu and the bit of fear it holds...

Of course, my mind is going a million miles an hour
and I freak out when I don't have answers
but, how could I get answers if I don't even know the question?

I'll be fine.
I just wish I could take my brain out for a while.

well, I still need to think... Maybe take out my soul--that's the mind will and emotions, yeah, that part.

Give me two days, things should get better

It's been said...

It's been said that you don't know what you have until it's gone...

I've been pondering this concept recently...

Here's why...
See, I was at work last Friday, and my thumb got caught in my metal drawer while I was closing it...
I didn't expect it to hurt as badly as it did, but as the day went on, the pain got more intense.
Dad said I bruised my thumb bone...yeah, I so didn't even know that was possible!
Then I came to realize how much I use my thumb. I guess I never noticed that it affects virtually everything I do until I couldn't use it.

Then on Monday I was playing tag with two kids from my church. I did something to my foot to make me step on it weird, and now it's three different colors...
Once again, I didn't realize how important the proper function of my foot is until I can't use it...
I can't even go to Wal-Mart by myself... I really don't like being dependant. And now it's starting to turn purple, which isn't good, and could mean there's a fracture somewhere... great.

So, what is all this teaching me?
It's teaching me to look around. To notice the little things that may usually be overlooked. The things that make our life so much better and easier simply by just having it there.
To notice the people I have in my life, and everything they mean to me.
To make the most of the time I have with everything I have.
Life may not be perfect, perfect is boring.
But, it sure is beautiful.

So, look around.
Notice what makes your life run as smooth as it does
and take the time to appreciate it.

:)

So, it seems that waiting is worth it.
And, even though I still have quite a bit of time to wait, I'm finally beginning to see the fruit starting to form on the tree. It'll just take some time to develop, but that time will be worth it

I don't know what all will happen exactly, but, that's okay
I have peace
and, I'm learning to trust

Life is beautiful, even when we don't understand everything.

okay... So I learned.

I don't pray enough...
so, here I am... blah blah blahing about everything I have no control over...
when I was thinking back on earlier today, What was taught in Children's Chruch
See, God was talking to me in Children's Church
at first I was having a hard time about not being in the other service. We had a guest minister, and I knew it was gonna be good (which it was) But, I was trying to encourage myself that Children's Church can be just as good.
After church, I started getting a little discouraged, but this is where i have to remind myself of what God said to me...

anyways, I was thinking back on the service...
We were talking about missions, which was kinda cool, cause the guest speaker is a missionary.
I was actually excited, because I knew I could go lots of places with this. And, knowing there was a guest speaker, I knew we would have plenty of time.
I got to talk about the importance of supporting missionaries, with an emphasis on prayer.
It was great...it really was.
The last time I was in there, I played a song by Shane&Shane that was applicable to the lesson. It was off the cuff, but they really seemed to enjoy it.
This time, I decided to play "Set The World On Fire" by Britt Nicole.
Before I did, I told them the story about my friend Rachel. It was her favorite song. She had always dreamed of going to Kenya, and helping orphans and youth. (www.rachelsfire.org)
She died in a car accident when we were at Bible school, and it was really tough...
But, through all that, her dreams didn't die. They set up a fund to build an orphanage in her honor in Kenya. Her dream lives on.
I challenged them to dream. To pray, which we did at the end.
I had one of the grandparents of the kids who sat in on a bit of it tell me, "You are a wonderful children's teacher" which made my day... And I had noticed, that when I started speaking, the kids listened... it just kinda struck me...
That's when God reminded me of what He's called me to do at this moment
"Live, to show others it's possible"
and how I'm called to this little town. To change it. To shake it. That He's gonna use me.
Well, This is where it begins. With these kids...

So, anyways... I was thinking back to this, and remembering Rachel.
I went on her site, and was just reading all these things she had written...I found myself crying...I really miss her...
Then I realized... This said person in the last blog--the one that is causing me so much problem--why? Why is it a problem? I doubt they notice it.
Am I praying for them?

I thought that...and instantly, it was like a battle. To just think about praying for them... it was like pulling teeth! So many things were going through my head, like, "what would people think about you?" and "But, that's not something anyone is used to?" or "what if someone found out?"
Who the heck cares?

One thing we taught the kids today is to pray for everyone. Even our enemies, or those people who we're having a hard time with.

I'm pretty sure that will fix my problems...
It'll help me be more patient with said person
and know how to act and respond
and be more lovely to the poor dear friends that have had to put up with me.

Yes, I do believe I shall start a new thing...
Just, be praying for me...
Sometimes, for some reason, just sitting down and setting aside time is a fight.

I guess because the devil knows that is where battles are won

I don't know what my deal is.

Another pointless blog.
I figure it doesn't matter if I post it, because no one reads them anyway

So, I don't know what my deal is...
I don't know if I can fully explain, because said people may end up one day reading this? I doubt it, but it is an extreme possibility? yeah, that was an oxymoron that didn't make sense...
ahhh, anyway.

I'm stuck in this rut.
There are these people that I love. They bring joy to my heart, and I just love being around them... but I'm afraid that my own stupid mindsets are getting in the way.
see... I'm deep. If I can help it, I don't know how...
I am a conglomeration of every decision I've ever made.
I've messed up, and--to me--that's okay.
And I'm pretty much an open book...
...I guess this is where it gets tricky...
I think this is where everything gets screwed up.
Cause, these people I love so dearly, they are tied to one of the only people I can't be a complete open book around.
It's taboo. Not worth the fight.
So, does that make it not worth the fight with these people I love dearly?
To understand me, you have to be open to know about things I've done.
And, see, I won't necessarily offer the information, but sometimes questions come up. And if they do, I'll answer. I'm okay with that. It helps explain who I am.
I've finally gotten to where I can do this with the youth, even knowing that said tied people where such information is taboo are in the same vicinity. They aren't around, so it's no big deal.
But with this, I don't know what to do.

It's like I don't get to plead my case.
Like I don't get my chance to be understood.
Should I care?
Should I just let this person do their thing, and not defend myself if they come against me?
Just trust that my lifestyle will tell the truth?

okay, I can do that...

But, what if a question comes up? What do I do for that?
One simple common question is all it will take to throw me through a loop.
I was trying not to care. I had my mindset all fine, that I was going to purpose in my head not to care...
...until today.
Of course, when you determine something in your head, it's gonna get attacked.
Well, I felt like an idiot.
Memories came rolling back from loooooooooooooooong ago.
Feelings I haaaated... Ones that made me cry.
The feelings from people who don't understand and don't see what they do to me
even if they know what it does to me.
They don't see.
So, I was weak. And I wanted to cry. But I was in front of people...and people were just amplifying it and making it more obvious
and I know this probably makes no sense when being read, but it is so real to me, that tears are forming in my eyes...

But, I don't cry.
Emilee is happy... I'm not supposed to be upset. That's not allowed.

Well, I would just like for someone to give me the antidote for feelings

that'd be great, thanks

I'll just have to accept it.

It kinda disappoints me to know that there are some dreams I will never reach...
To know that there are some things I can never change...
To know that no matter how hard I try, I'm still gonna fall short in life.

So, why still try?
Why put forth any effort when I know I'll just be falling short?
Why put my whole life into this...

...honestly, how could I not?
If what I do can influence just one, then it is well worth it.
Someone put their whole life into what they did...
Took that risk, got slapped in the face, and failed...
But, succeeded.
To someone, I was that one.
And, maybe it'll be a combination of people. Maybe it'll take more than one to get people to understand it
But if we all don't give up, we can help them understand.
Together, we can change their world
and in doing so, change the whole world.

So, for you, and for them, I won't give up.
I won't lay down, I won't hang up my hat.
I won't let myself get discouraged...
So that together, we can reach them.

So, I was sitting amongst a group of people today
when I realized...
I just want to be alone...
Not in like, an emo sense, but in just a... I like solidarity way.
I mean, there are times when I LOVE being around people. And when they draw the best out of me.
But, there are sometimes when being around people just isn't the best... When I doubt, and become unsure of everything I know God has.
When I just feel myself being pulled down.
I just want to get alone...
I want to remember what I'm here to do. I want to simply...be.

I wish there was a way to just take a break.
I mean, I love people. I absolutely love when I can help them, and I love those connections with people you get when you just wish the night wouldn't end
But, those days when you feel like you're just being brought down, like you're running on empty, like you've given all you can
Those days when you're just unsure of everything, when you don't really have a clear path... just kinda waiting til the next step makes itself clear...

Those are the days I just want to get alone.
It's been raining. And when it rains, ahhh, I just want to burst with joy! :) I love it.
It gives me hope.
I'm not really sure why.
I just want to immerse myself in it.
To be completely drenched. Soaking wet with it. I never want to leave.
Just watching it makes me feel secure.

But, why?
What is it about overcast skies that makes me feel sure?
That makes me feel safe...
That makes me feel, important even?

*shrug*
I have no idea, but it does...
...there's just something about it.

Maybe because rain makes rainbows
and rainbows remind me of God's promise for me...
One I wait for with excited heart :) It's gonna be great

Maybe because it's just a representation of prosperity
That rain gives us so much...waters crops, replenishes the water supply... gives me puddles to jump in...

Maybe because I know I'll see the sun shine again
And that I know when things are hard with life that I can remember that the sun will shine again if I just wait long enough

Maybe it's because it matches the emotions I've been feeling but can't express.

I don't really know what to do with emotion.
I'll admit, I've forgotten how to feel... I mean, sometimes it's no problem whatsoever, I'm rather empathetic...but sometimes, I just don't know how to feel...
And the rain is like the sky's way of getting out everything locked on the inside of me...

*shrug*
I dunno

but I love it :)
And it makes me dance :)

rain rain, come my way

Anyone else love the rain as much as I do?
It almost makes me feel a release from everything that is pent up on the inside of me.

It makes me want to paint, or draw, or take pictures of something really artsy, or write amazing poetry...
...but sadly, none of these are coming to me... *sigh*
Maybe I'll color in my coloring book...that makes me feel artistic sometimes
pathetic, right?

The rain does sound lovely on our tin roof :)
Now, if only it was cold outside...ah, that'd be perfect!

I'm listening to She & Him, and looking through pictures I have taken... picking out ones that I may one day use in a gallery, or sell, or something
we'll see, I suppose...
Maybe one day.
I did find a building I'd love to have for my gallery! It's a restored fire station. AH! it's beautiful!!
maybe one day...
Mom says I need to hurry up and marry a millionaire...when I asked her how to spell "millionaire" her response was "hold on, let me see if it's on..."
sure enough, it was... HAHAHA!
Who says you don't learn from TV?

umm... no title?

This blog post really has no outline...
I have no idea what I want to say
but, a good thing about my personality, is even when there's nothing to say, I come up with something
everthing in my head links to something else.
Now, when I'm actually talking to someone, I have a harder time expressing all this stuff, but when it's online, and I have no one following, and I don't think there's anyone who knows that this blog even exists, I think i'm safe to say what I want.
Yeah yeah yeah, you should be careful with what you put on the internet, it can always come back to haunt you... I learned that lesson full well.
If you refer back to my first blogpost, you'll see a synopsis of that...

I kinda put the idea of this blog on the back burner...
I mean, really... what do I have to say? I already compulsively journal, why broadcast it?
umm... I really don't know... I just saw our new Praise and Worship leader's blog, and wanted to write my own. *shrug*

Things have been crazy busy here lately. And haven't really stopped yet. I'm actually multi-tasking while typing this bunch of ramblings. I haven't had time to take the pictures off my camera from this weekend. So, I'm doing that. Then I have to put them on CD's so I can mail it off to Nissi tomorrow.
I've been trying to write out lesson plans since I got off work. Hoping to start up an 11-13 year olds class, but it's not set in stone, yet.
So, I'm in the process of planning out everything detailed so I can present it to our Children's Church Pastor again. Last time, I just don't think she understood my heart, and that's probably my fault. So. This time I'm taking time to plan it out, let God work, and have something to show them so they can see that this different vibe can be beneficial for these kids.

My mom just got mad at me. It's frustrating.
I guess I look like this bratty younger sister to them, but really, that's not it. They just don't take the time to understand me, and understand why things rub me the wrong way, and don't care to do anything to try and find happy medium ground.
I don't know how to explain it. So I just don't. Everytime I try, I get reprimanded for being a jerky, stuck up, snooty, ungrateful daughter. So, maybe I should just shut up.

This is when I wish that Ms. Miki was still around...
I wrote about her in my last blog post... I shoulda called her then.
She died on the 4th of July after having a heart attack. What her daughter told us is that when they did the bypass surgery, they hit an artery so she bled to death...
I found out when I was on my way to wal-mart from work...it seems that everytime I go to wal-mart after work, I find out someone dies. Well, last time it was our dog...but still.
When I read the text, I literally stopped right where I was, put my hand to my mouth, and tears just fell.
Now, see...I don't cry, really. It's rare. Well, recently it's been more common, I suppose, but I can't explain why. I guess just because I haven't in so long, and there's so much pent up on the inside, it just seeps out.
Blah blah blah, this sounds so emo. HAHA! I'm not emo, guys, I promise.
Used to be. But, Jesus is much cooler, so. :)

Aaaaanywhooooooo.....
I haven't slept much lately. Which tends to get me like this. Embarassed myself last night at the Net in the small group thing. I couldn't seem to get what was in my head understandable to everyone around me. I shouldn't have opened my mouth.
I felt really out of place. And like I was really young compared to everyone else. In a stupid aspect. Like I didn't know as much as they did...
I mean, I haven't gone to college, and they are all in college. So... maybe that's it? I Don't know.

I don't like feeling behind. Or incapable. It's frustrating.
Almost made me cry.
Although, I did cry on the way home. I felt like a 2 year old bawling my eyes out cause I'm so exhausted.
I wanted to go somewhere where someone would just hold me as I cried. But, umm...yeah, that place doesn't exist. So, I cry in my car while I can, talk to Jesus. :)
He makes everything better :)

So why am I still writing? I'm sure you're sick of this already...
...whoever you are...
I'm thinking of putting a link to this on my facebook info page. Who really looks at that anyway?
I dunno... I just don't want certain people seeing it, reading it, then misinterpreting what it is I'm saying.
But, then again, that's inevitable.
You'd think I'd figure this out by now.
nooooope!
:)

<3

Small Towns

So, I like sitting and just watching people. Seeing how they interact and evaluating numerous--usually random--things I pick up for the observations.

Today's observation?
How everyday people who work everday jobs seem to be unspoken counsilors for the average person that walks in.
Think about it.
Where would we be without the hairdresser we spill our guts to?
Or the person at the ice cream parlor that just seems to care so much about you to listen?
Or the bank teller that just seems to understand all lifes problems?

But, who are these people? And how do we even know we can trust them?
I mean, you don't usually know them except from the interaction you have with them whenever you go into their place of business, (unless you live in a reaaally small town, in which case you're all practically related...) and here we are, telling them our life stories, updating them on our families,--which can even include pictures--inviting them to our children's weddings, and so on.

I recently got a job as a bank teller. I had always seemed to have the people with the problems find me at my old job at a 50s style diner. Granted, I actually love hearing about people's lives--where they've been and where they're going--but today I just really got to thinking about it.

How does anyone know that I won't just go to the next person I see and tell them? Or bring it up as a dinner table conversation, "You'll never guess what a lady told me at work today" which ends up being someone my mom works with or something.
I mean, yeah, I work at a bank. So I guess there's a little bit more trust there then there may be at other jobs, but still. What about when I worked at the diner?

That's where you get the good stories.
The crazy ones about Bubba Joe's jail sentence, or how that one lady has three mother-in-law's since her husband's parents are divorced and his mom decided to become a lesbian.
Okay, so these are the redneck stories...but still.
Then at other places, you get the surprising stories...ones that no one would expect because it's about the people who put up the flawless fronts

But then again, you have a good mixture of the people who just like telling everyone everything about them.

What do you think would happen if you asked your hairdresser, teller, waitress how their day was? Or what's going on in their family, or anything like that?
Do you think they'd tell you?

I'd probably be really vague, but that's just me.
Unless I just needed to vent on someone, in which case strangers seem to be easier to trust

That's uncommon, though.
Well, unless it's the lady that I met at the diner I worked at who used to be a councilor...but, then again, it makes sense as to why I trust her...she has answers. She can explain why I seem to be going through certain things. She can pinpoint the reasons.
That's refreshing.
Not to mention free!

So, why pay for a councilor when you have hairdressers, tellers, and waitresses?
It's like a two for one deal!

They should start advertising that on commercials.
Could boost business...

Here we go again.

I haven't done one of these things in, well, forever.
Apart from the occasional myspace bulliten, Facebook note, or vague Twitter "tweet," I haven't Blogged since the days of Xanga.
I found my old Xanga's the other day
(Yes, it is plural...back in the day of teenage angst, it was common to create a new Xanga as a way to start "fresh." Whatever. In other words, my words had gotten myself in too much trouble, or I was more dramatic than my own good...)

So, now, approximately 4 years since the days of xanga (I know, so long ago, right?) I have decided that I miss having a place to publically declare the random happenings of my day and thoughts in my head for the entire world to see.

Hence, the creation of this blog.

I am warning you. This may get really stupid, personal, contain more information that you ever really cared to read but keep reading to see how it ends to find it...doesn't, seem to have no point, or just completely bore you to tears.

*shrug* My friends tell me my randomness is entertaining...

I don't know if I'll let my family know this blog exists. I tend to enjoy publically spilling my guts all over webpages they aren't directly linked to.
They spy and snoop...

Is it weird that I seem to trust my friends--or ever complete strangers--more than my own flesh and blood?
I love them, I do...
I dunno.

So, anyway. Here it is.
If you actually read this, I owe you a giant hug
or brownies or cookies or something
My sincerest gratitude to you.

Maybe this will help in my quest to change the world.
How, you may ask, am I going to do that?
Well, I wish I knew.