One of the best things someone can tell me is,
"Oh, well that makes you make so much sense!"

Luke 2:19-ing so hard right now.
With so many things

<3

I feel like something is about to happen.
I don't know what.
I'm not sure of when.
But I can feel it.

It makes me happy, and a bit excited.
It gives me hope.

:)

Happy

Let's blog about the happy days :)
Today is definitely one of those.

Work has gone really well today. A diabolical plan that a few of us are concocting is actually going according to plan. It really makes me happy because being a part of this is a big deal to me. It really means the world.
I wasn't sure I'd be able to, because I have work and all, but one of our regulars gave me $40 of the $64 I'd miss out on for that day. She really didn't have to do that, but she believes in me, and knows how important this is to me, and believes in "the cause." Haha :)
The world is still full of wonderful people. Act like it, it'll happen.

So then, a lady asks about the pictures in the cove. She said there was one she wanted to buy, but it wasn't there. I told her I was the photographer and could so fix it, and asked which one it was. She told me it was "Courtney"--the one of "You Are Beautiful" written all over a bunch of tiny post-its--but that she didn't see it anymore. I haven't sold that one, so I was a little shocked. I looked for it and asked all my co workers if they knew what had happened to it, maybe someone sold it but didn't set the money aside, or was gonna pay be back for you, ya know, whatever. But no one knew anything. At first I was pretty upset, but then the lady made a good point, that it's kinda cool that someone would steal it. That you're good enough to be wanted that badly. She ended up ordering 5 copies of the print. She, too, was a photographer and said she loved everything about the print. It meant so much to me to have her say such nice words about what I do, she herself having started a photography business 3 years ago. She was even wearing a shirt about her business.

About 45 minutes later, I was telling Ryan about it, and one of his friends came up and bought one of my $30 pictures.
Which, in turn, made up the $24 I didn't have for Monday! Kris was right, I got it :) That easy!

THEN
I'm all sorts of happy and excited. Melanie is precious and gave me some of her tips for helping her, so that was MORE money I had to go towards it.

Then, my friend Jackie, who got engaged on Tuesday came in to get a "Cup Of Love." We've gotten pretty close recently, especially since the wreck. She's awesome, and I love her dearly, and she's marrying one of my good friends. Well, she came to gelato land with me and said, "I'm going to ask you a question. And if you say no, I'm totally okay with it... Will you be a bridesmaid in my wedding?"
I. almost. cried.
Seriously.
I've never been in anyone's wedding besides my sister's and cousins, but those don't really count. I mean, I'm so glad to have been in them, but to have someone that's not your family ask you, it's a big deal. And I'm always asked to be the photographer, which is cool and all, but I've never been in the bridal party. It makes me feel like I mean something to them. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to be able to document my friend's weddings. I love it. It really is special to me, because I'm still a part. There's just something about being in the bridal party.
So, I'll be in Ashley's and now also Jackie's.

It's so cool that I've always wanted friends like this. I've always wanted to be truly happy. And I would try to make the people I had work with what my heart was desiring, but they never would. And I would end up hurt. But now, I'm surrounded by people who genuinely care about me. People that I know I'm not an obligation to. People who appreciate me for who I am. People I don't have to meet some sort of standard or expectation to keep around. People I know that I will have in my life for a long time.

And the night will just get better.
I get to watch babies at church tonight, we're having Christmas at Justin's and then us girls are staying at Ashley's. It's gonna be fun.
I finally met Tandi. She is absolutely wonderful. I was really happy and at peace to not feel awkward meeting her, because most of the time when people say I should meet someone, that we'll be great friends and all, it's weird and awkward. With Tandi, I felt like I've known her for years.

It is truly a beautiful day.

The Lord is good :)

Whatever this transition phase is, it sure is a doosey.

I know it'll prove worth it.
I just want to actually learn everything, and not find myself writing the same things I wrote as a kid.
I don't want to deal with the same things
But, currently, I don't know what to do differently.

I've still got 3 weeks of this at least.

I'm sure everything will be fine.

My brain is a whirlwind currently.

So  much transition going on, so much to grasp and so much to just hold on through until I get to the other side...
I'm so eager for the other side, whatever it may be.
But I can't neglect where I am now
The time I have now.

I'm so tired.
I have so much to get done.
and I'd rather be doing all of that.

Ooooh well.

Thank God

Everything with the wreck has worked out. And I know it's all by God's grace
So, if everything goes well in changing my plea tomorrow it'll all be over with.
I was able to meet with a lawyer and get his advice in what to do about it, which helped me understand everything so much more. I'm analytical, and I like understanding.

I have a new 2011 Ford Escape I get the license plates to tomorrow. She's the best thing ever.

There are still a few fears I fight while driving, but I pretty much have to keep a level head and not let it all get to me.

I have learned so much. A ridiculous amount. And I know there's only more to learn.
I have friends in my life I know are going to last, which I greatly appreciate.
This is a safe place.
My life is heading in a beautiful direction.
I know there is much  more to learn, but I'm actually excited about it. I'm excited to see how it all unfolds. I'm excited for whatever is to come that is giving me such hope.
It must be awesome if I can be this hopefully while clueless to what it is.

I'm at a loss for words.
<3

sudden stop.

I feel like life has haulted.
Like I don't write enough
I don't express enough
I have all this inside me, and I don't know what it is, nor how to get it out.
I'm stuck.
With this unidentifiable lump in my throat.

Where is life going?
Where have I been?
Why do I care at all anyway?

How am I supposed to feel?
How am I supposed to act?
How much am I supposed to pay attention to certain things and when do I channel my focus elsewhere?

It'll all make sense soon enough
Right?

Life sure is a funny thing.
And right now I feel lost.
Not in a terrifying way
Just in a numb, shock-sensed, unidentifiable way.

*shrug*
I guess we'll see

thoughts.

The end is the hope.
But don't focus so much on that that you miss opportunities you have right now.
There is life to be lived
You were given another day.

There is more to be done here
There are people to meet
There are places to go
There are influences to make.

Don't waste your life looking forward to the end.
Live.

It's not always glamorous
It's not always perfect
It's not always ideal.
But, it's life
It's yours.
Make the most of it.

The end will get here soon enough
And then there are no second chances.
What is done will be done.

You know the end is coming.
Rest assured in that and live.

Mattea

"just want to tell you that you are loved by me..

greatly"

People who tell me these things Really don't realize what they are telling me

They usually have no idea how much this truly means to me..

I was taking a walk the other day
I've been trying to do this to help get better with ballet, walk/run every day I can.
Well, this particular time, I decided to walk a little longer than usual. I wanted to look at the house my friends are looking to buy, and knew this next street looped around.
A soccer mom-type with an SUV full of kids drove past me. I see something fall out of the window and the car stop. You hear her telling one of the kids to go get it, and a kid crying inside about losing it.
I ran up to it, picked it up, and met the one child to give it to her.

The mom yelled, "Thank you!!" out the window at least three times

It's the little things...
<3

I feel like I need to pray more.
Especially right now.
I'm posting this in church... Haha
But really, I just really feel like whatever it is God told me of last year needs to be prayed out.
And I can't let myself get distracted by everything coming against me.
the Lord set me up to succeed. By putting people in my life to help me--like my friends at real life, close friends, the sysco lady letting me use the Joyce Meyer teaching, and other things.
I just must stay focused.
And pray.
And not lose heart.
He'll do His part if I do mine.
Besides, prayer is what opens the flood gates.
Some times we just have to be obedient and ask.

RAK.

I read a blog about random acts of kindness a lady did with her kids for her 35th birthday.
And it made me want to beast up my RAK game.
Then I thought, "I should start a blog about it!"
But, seeing as I already have 4 blogs, all with varying degrees of upkeep, I figure I'll just use this one for when I come up with random acts of kindness and execute them.

hehehehe
:)

working on a project I'm really excited about.

my hand is going to cramp.
But that's okay.

I think this is bigger than I realize.
And if not, then that's okay.
It'll be big to the ladies who do receive it.

I'd love to publish it, though.

Might as well

When I first got this week's schedule, I was a little sad. it was really odd and seemed like it would make the week difficult.
But, I figured it was probably only for the one week, so I would manage.

Little did I know that this was beyond me.

I got asked to open the shop after closing, which sounds insane, but really it helped me. It gave me extra tips that I need and an extra hour. It also made time go by quickly.
I planned on going to sleep early, but kept getting woken up. At about 11pm, I was finally drifting off to sleep when my phone rings. Pastor Glenn asked me if I could help with outreach tables on campus.
I usually would be working, but since my schedule was different, I was able to help.
Which meant a lot to them.

it's been an off week for a lot of people. It's interesting that so many of us have seemed to be facing oppositin at the same time.
But, we endure.

Helping on campus was really cool. I had never done it before (I've never even gotten to go to school) But it definitely was neat to help.
I'm  not usually extroverted, but I really felt like even if they didn't want to hear what information I had to give them that I may be able to offer some form of encouragement, just with being there. And that there would be those out there just hungry for what God has for them, that they'll come check it out.

I had one girl cuss at me. I laughed. Because, it really was funny.
she thought she was tough stuff, holding such dominance over me. Telling me, "F*** no" when she walked by first And then just saying, "Jesus Christ..." as she walked out. 
She didn't have to walk past us
And I don't think she realized she knew me.
I went to high school with her, had her for a class.
It just makes me laugh
And also sad, because she doesn't get it...

We had some persecution this time around, which was interesting.
It breaks my heart to think that there is so much against us even just inviting people... that simply because it's about Jesus, our allowance to do so is threatened. Especially when so many other things are allowed. Things that don't bring joy, or peace, or kindness. Just because someone gets offended about the truth... it breaks my heart...
it really does.
Don't they know that the thing they are rejecting is the very thing that will set them free?

My heart goes out...

Im a mystery in the making

I dont think we're meant to fully know somebody.
The efforts to accomplish this and the pain that comes with it when we fail isn't worth it.
Maybe it's that we chose not to understand, because someone once didn't fit into the mold we made for them. So when we find this out it shakes our world.
Walls get put up
Words are said.

I think there was meant to be mystery.
For me, at least.
Needless to say I've learned a lot recently.
Hoping I get it this time.
I think when so much happens in such a short time period, all there is to do to stay sane is to learn.
And carry on.

And dance in the car with my roommate as cars next to us laugh.
:)
We got a free movie rental. It wad pretty awesome. A random lady behind us gave us a code :)

Amazing how something so simple can completely brighten someone's day.
Super grateful that it wad mine and Holly's tonight :D

Conversation with Josh

Josh: It will!  well what else is up
Me: not a whole lot. just keeping busy with work
love love love life
Josh: thts awesome i always admired tht about u
Me: thanks  I appreciate that
Josh: your welcome =] seems like u always knew what was up
Me: haha, funny thing is that I'm clueless as to where my life is going--not in school or anything-- but, I figure you might as well enjoy where you are

Wake up. September is over.

God is pretty cool.
He seems to have every situation laced with hope.
I can't help but believe Him.
With everything inside of me.

Its now October.
This is a month of new beginnings for me.
Regret is stupid
I'm taking my life back
And no one is going to stop me.
I'm living for me.
(Well, in Christ's terms, of course...)

I have found myself in a funny place.

Wanting only what is real
None of this fake, people pleasing, approval desiring nonsense.
That's pointless.
It'll be exposed sooner or later.

And with this, I have found myself wanting to be alone more.
Maybe this is just my true Introvert coming out
Or maybe it's a self-preservation tactic.

Heck, I don't know.
But, I can say, I am fairly content with my life.

Sure, I've been disrespected, overlooked, wronged, ignored, dissed and more, even just today.

But, whatever.
Life is more than that
There's plenty of joy ahead of me.

Do I know what?
Heck no.
But that's okay.
Half the beauty is in the mystery.

I have decided.

My life now is my own adventure.
It is what I make it, and I need to live it to the fullest.
Sometimes it feels absolutely mundane and like nothing important.
Just a day-to-day grind that nothing can really come out of.

But, I have to remind myself
That most people feel this exact same way.
That all I can really do is keep going
And take all these other people, get them together and make something of ourselves.
Enjoy the days we have.

I want a story worth reading
A blog worth following
A life worth leading...

I want a legacy behind me when I'm gone.

I can't help but feel this to my core.
That there's more to me than this mundane outlook I seem to find myself behind.
That maybe, possibly one day this life will prove itself worthy of a second glance.

And while I want to go full force ahead with life
and take advantage of every moment I'm given
I'm held back
By the immense fear of being forgotten.

The thought of that makes me want to cry.

but I have to hold on to the fact that I know there's something more
Something I can't see
something worth writing about.
Even if it doesn't seem like much, currently
It's more than I can see.

Soon enough, life will prove itself
I can't let this fear get me down.
It'll all make sense one day.

I pray this day is soon
Or that at least some hope is lurking near by.

Life Group

Talk about irony.

I joined a life group at my church.
I was kinda hesitant at first, because of uncertainties with past small group experiences
I felt like it was just a big cry fest where a bunch of girls shared their feelings.
I'm not too big on feelings...
I mean, I care about people, when you genuinely need it, but if you just want to tell someone your sad story for the sake of being sad, I'm over it.

I met Ashley, the life group leader, through my friend Shana (who I've actually just technically met, but I've known her sister and family for years)
When I saw that Ashley wasn't weird (in the sense of either super old and out dated, or nerd.com) I thought that maybe this wouldn't be such a bad idea. I mean, the topic seemed pretty interesting.
"When Life Gets Hard"
I was also a little iffy about it being an all girl group, simply for the same reason.

But this is different.
This is a room of girls that have found their strength in God through their trials and are coming for encouragement that their doing the right thing and tips and guidance on how to continue.

We all have a story
We all have difficult things we go through
We can all tell something sad about what's going on with us.
But that doesn't define us.
Our God does.
He is great, no matter what we find ourselves going through
and it is so awesome to know I have a place where I can go and meet up with real people that aren't super spiritual or judgmental or anything to encourage us and learn right along with us.

So, for the irony.

A lady in the group, Carolyn, seemed really familiar, but I didn't think I knew her.
She was answering one of the questions, and mentioned how she had multiple people really close to her die in a short span of time, one of them being her three-year-old son.
When she said that, I thought of my friend Samantha Sperry. She used to live here in Corpus and nanny for a lady who had two daughters and a three year old son who died in March.
Samantha had just written me a letter that I received to my surprise before going to the life group
As I was talking with Carolyn, she said his name, Christopher.
I asked her if she knew Samantha
Sure enough, it's her.

As I listened to her talk about what God has taught her and where He's brought her in this short amount of time, I wanted to cry.
When Sam found out, we were at a bonfire with our young adults ministry, The Net. Bri and I stuck close with her, to make sure she was okay. We knew this little boy was like her own son, and losing him was hard.
We prayed for her, for the parents and for the sisters.
So, to know that this family I have been praying for has come so far, goes to my same church and loves God, it's just a really awesome feeling.

It's cool to know that even when you may not know the person you're praying for, that God is really working for them.
Sometimes it seems like it has no point, praying for people you don't know and can't see.
But it does.
Tonight was proof.

I absolutely love when I look at the clock and it's 10:23

I made a new friend today :)
I'm very happy

I started a new blog.
Again.
This one I really want to stick with
and I think it's an idea that will actually stick.

A place to put all these thoughts I wish I could tell you and you'd actually hear.

So, I'm telling the blog.

Made my night.

I will pray for you and your family. Orphans are sending love and hugs to you

Send them love and hugs back

9:02pm

Yes i will. They are here laughing. Asking you to pray for them and needs

Take care. Good night.

The Response.

Is today, in Houston.
I picked up a shift at work that I really didn't have to, so I can't go.
When I picked it up, I completely spaced and forgot that The Response was happening today...
I'm watching it livestream, and praying along with them, but it breaks my heart that I can't be there...
I sit here, and try and tell myself that it's okay, that there's a reason.
But, it's like a yearning in my soul.

And they just started playing my favorite song.
How He Loves

Seeing them pan the crowd of the Reliant Stadium, and how many people are packing out the place, it makes my heart happy. Because that many people are crying out for our country
And I cry out here.

I'm responding.
I don't need a building
I don't need specified logistics
I don't need to see all the bands that everyone will be raving about

shouldn't I be used to this?
This seems to be a pattern in my life.
I just need to respond.

This guy sang Sloppy Wet.
That makes me happy :)

Jesus, I'm responding.
I cry out for our nation
Along with thousands of other voices, Lord
Hear our cry, Lord. Don't turn a deaf ear to us.
Restore our nation, do what needs to be done
We're willing, Father, we're willing to do what we need to do
We're willing to accept what needs to be done
We're willing, Lord

I don't post on here much anymore

I guess I've hit a point where I don't think people want to hear what I have to say
Or I just don't want to say it.

I don't know.

California was awesome
There wasn't one not good thing the entire trip
It's what my soul needed

I slept 12  hours today
And woke up at 8:30.
I work tonight
I work every day this week.

It's good.

I'll hate to say goodbye. ©

I see you there,
sitting in a coffee shop in a city foreign to me, but where?
You look up from your book, is it me you're thinking of?
Wondering if I think of you, too?
I do.
I wonder, when I see you will I get lost in your eyes?
Will your arms hold me tight as I take in your smell?
Will I even think about my camera, or use my God-given senses to make our memories?
For all I know, you'll stay in my imagination.
Non-existent except to my day dreams.
Where we laugh at the quirky things I do and how I burned the dinner I tried to make.
Where we enjoy the sunset in silence, soaking up the fact we're in each others company.
Where I can't stop smiling, but when something causes a frown to form on my face, you're there to do what you can to make sure I feel safe.
So when you finish your coffee, and your book is read.
When you're finished finding yourself in that foreign city,
Please come find me.
I anxiously await your arrival
And the adventures we will have
And the memories we'll make.
After we finally say hello
Oh, how I'll hate to say goodbye.
7.27.11 (1:34pm)

I love.

I love getting to see things come full circle.
It's so encouraging

And really, it proves God's point
He knows what's gonna happen, and if we're just obedient, it'll  happen. He'll use us if we let Him
But we have to let Him.
And He will.

It's just really cool.

Thought.

I'm nothing that you can't be.

Truth.

Being a prophetic feeler is hard.

thursdays are my favorite

My heart is full.

Great night at real life.
I really needed to hear everything that was said

It was like God was tapping me on the shoulder saying, "You're doing the right thing, don't lose heart."
Just a soft whisper.

Then in my room, reading Luke with Liz
Hearing her heart.
It filled my heart.

I really don't have any words.
Just peace.

So many thoughts.

I really should be journaling.
I wrote for over two hours on Sunday, and didn't finish.
only got down Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
Now, the days are piling up.
and I want to get what is in my head down before tomorrow.

tomorrow is Thursday.
Thursdays are my favorite
And now, such happy things happen on Thursdays.
I look forward to them.
I cover them specifically in prayer.

Life is funny.
It's doing funny things.
At least it's good for a laugh.

hearts.

<3

Intimidating.

While driving with a new friend, a random thing came up in conversation

"You can be kinda intimidating"

I've heard this before
And honestly, I've never understood it.

Me? Intimidating?
Why?

I asked my friend, she said,
"Well, you're always so happy, and outgoing"
She didn't mean it in a bad way
I laughed, and told her I'm an introvert, and actually don't have a lot of confidence.

I find it ironic...

I told a good friend of mine who knows new friend about the conversation.
what she said made sense.
"Well, you are. But not in a bad way. You and (other good friend) are the same way. Like even if you didn't know her, you wouldn't dare litter around her. You can just feel it off of her. You both have this air about you, this presence, that when people are around you, they want to be better people. It's a good thing"

It really meant a lot to  me.
To hear that, you know?
Because another good friend and I were discussing how I'm opposite of what people think and expect. And how weird it is. And how I still don't really know why.
But to know that I'm doing something right... that people can really see Jesus in me, and I don't have to say a word...
It's humbling...
Makes me want to keep living life right.

I just wish that good friend would see that I'm no better than she.
That she can be like this too.
Her potential is through the roof.

so, I pray
I pray her heart will heal, and that she'll understand
And that she'll know how precious she truly is.

One day.
That's a promise.

(Learning To Be) Selfish. ©

Ugly clouds. Rain pouring down.
Both inside and out.
I try not to slip or lose my grip
Taking the necessarily selfish route.
Just when I think I've reached my brink
More gets poured on top.
Breathe in deep, allow release
The rain will eventually stop.
Shut off my brain before I go insane
Don't try to please anybody.
Forget everyone, they can keep their sun
This rain came just for me.





Truth is, I'm not sure how I feel about this one.
Simply because it rhymns the whole way through.
Those always feel fake to me.
Or forced.
There are few that don't.
This one wasn't hard to write, I didn't fight to find the rhymns...
I don't know.

And I would put what inspired this
Why I wrote each line
But, there are people who read this blog that I don't know read it for sure.
And I don't want to fully express anything.

Shout out to my sister
This poem isn't about her, but she stalks me :)
<3 <3 <3
She's a great sister.
I love her
Y'all should all be jealous.

Today.

Today was a beautiful day.
I think all the craziness from the medications have finally passed
Either that or I've finally figured out how to manage it all.

Today was happy
Tomorrow looks hopeful
This week should be a great one.

I appreciate the days where endurance is required
Because it strengthens me

But I must say,
I'm so grateful to have had a day where I could stop at any given moment
And just smile.

<3 <3 <3

There are too many voices.
In my head, and all around me.
Those around me are all right in some aspect.

I don't know how to be normal anymore.
I hate this.

I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut.
Act like everything is fine.
Not be the one to bring any of this up.

I shouldn't have said anything in the first place.
Maybe these voices will shut up, too.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wonder if everyone is just lying to me.

If I'm just tolerated
Like the little sister.

But, I can't believe that if I've never been told it.
Walk in confidence with my head up.

And not live in the past.
It's weird when things come full circle...

Truth is.

Sometimes I just stand there and cry.
I really don't know what else to do.

Funerals.

Yesterday I was able to attend the funeral of a friend of mine's dad.
He died of cancer last week.
She is 13 and has a little sister.
If I even met her dad, it was once.
I've been to my share of funerals...
But this one was different.

I don't know if it was just the fact that Pastor Isaias was doing the sermon
Or what...
But it shook me.
Not many will cry for a man they didn't even know.
That's what I found myself doing.

They sang a few hymns, a few were played on the Saxophone
And even though this was a typical funeral song
It's words resounded in me...

These were the stansas that Chach sang.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,

And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Praise God, Praise God, Praise God, Praise God
Praise God, Praise God, Praise God
Praise God, Praise God, Praise God, Praise God
Praise God, Praise God, Praise God."

Ever word sang was a word of truth
A word of hope
A bringing peace
And at the end, through it all
We praise God.
Just as it should be.

When Pastor Isaias spoke, he put himself in Rey's shoes...
What he was seeing, who he was meeting, what events were happening.
He described heaven
He explained how eternity is not limited by time.

Eternity.
I've always thought about it
Tried to wrap my mind around it
Of course, I never could.
But the thought of not being limited like that...
No wonder God is dealing with me about not limiting Him.
Pastor said how Rey isn't feeling anymore pain
He's more alive than we are
Cancer doesn't exist to him anymore.
I've heard this many times before, but this time it clicked.
Maybe because I haven't been feeling too hot, and I know this is a fight I need to keep fighting no matter how difficult it could become...

As he spoke, heaven felt real.
Something clicked in my head
This isn't just some religious, spiritual mumbo jumbo.
It's real.
Death isn't the end.
I've always know it wasn't
I still remember how I felt when Rachel died
But the thought of the moment of transition...
It just felt so real.

Funerals are really just for the people left behind.

I started thinking about mine.
What it might be like, who might come.
By this point, people are going up and talking about Rey
I guess I had forgotten my funeral will probably be about me...
Why?
I fight for my life not to be about me, why should my death be?
I guess for everone I'll leave behind.

I know I'm notorious for not realizing my own greatness.
Or. whatever.
Like when I put my pictures up in the cove, and they started selling, I was surprised.
And hearing Liz talk to me about it, she was shocked I didn't realize how good I was
But. I truly didn't.
So, I guess my funeral will be full of that...

I sat there
Hoping...
That people will come
That people will have nice things to say about me
If for no other reason but to show my parents that they did a great job in raising me
That they should be proud.
That my life wasn't in vain
But really was lived out to it's entire potential.
In my mind, I saw Pastor Isaias at mine.
But, there were cameras.
And standing room only.
And people there that no one knew I knew
That no one knew I touched.
People who feel lost in the crowd
But yet, they get up
And are able to say how my life touched theirs...
And tthe amount of people saying significant things is significant
And my mom is sitting there crying,
Not out of sorrow any longer
But, out of joy.
The joy to know my life wasn't in vain...
That a full life can be in a smaller amount of years.
After all, eternity isn't limited by time.
Once we're alive, we're alive forever
Somewhere...

It made the realization of Hell that much more intense...
It made my heart break even more...
There are these people in my life that I love so deeply
some I have just met
And I don't want them to have to go for all eternity in a place like that.
Mediocre living isn't worth eternity of suffering...
This life is more than merely living...
People need to see this.
You either suffer a bit here, and spend eternity in all the glory of heaven and God's presence
Or you induldge here, which ultimately is just masking our suffering, just to suffer forever in Hell.
Literally.

Excuses are stupid, really.
And I've given my share of them.
Nothing can even try to hold up in a match against the reward of living life right.
Of committing to Christ.
Honestly, I've searched...
There isn't anything worth more than this.
Like, the confidence in a trusted friend
Or that simple gesture you hold immense value in.
That text when you're at the end of your rope.
That feeling of accomplishment. That you did something right.
Times eternity.

I don't know if my funeral will be anything like I was imagining.
Chach and I joke about how it would go
With balloons, confetti, Purple, "Don't worry, be happy"
I guess y'all will see one day.

But I can't shake this.
This feeling that life is more than me.
That I have to do something to make sure as many people as possible get to meet Jesus.
To experience the rewards it brings.
To know true peace.

My heart goes out...
My prayers go up...
Lord, use my life.
Do whatever needs to be done to get to these people, God.
Soften their hearts
Open their eyes
Break the chains binding them
Do away with mindsets and limits
Crumble the walls...

Do what only You can do...

Dear old Friend.

Heard from an old friend today.
Taking time out to check up on me.
It really meant a lot to me.
More than words could ever say...

Here's a piece of our conversation.

Me:Thank God I'm stronger than I used to be...

She: i think you really are:) i mean even though i only see once in a blue moon. i can see that you are different. in a good way.

Me: That means a lot to hear

She: It's true

Me: wish it wasn't every once in a blue moon. But at least the moon turns blue sometimes

She: haha

it happens.

and i think deep down we both know if we need each other than we will find each other :)

There's a quote I read today that I think explains this...

"A true friend doesn't care when you're broke, being a bitch, what you weigh, if you don't see them for months, if your house is a mess, what you drive, about your past, or if your family is filled with crazy people. Your conversations pick up where they left off, even if they have been months apart. They love you ... for who you are."

My mind is not here.

I'm so confused.

What.
A.
Weekend.

I'm on overload.
And partially spaced out that I don't know how much I actually remember.

I'm so over this stupid whatever

Truth is.

I'm not okay.
I've been trying to pretend like I am.
But when it comes down to the nitty gritty
I'm not.

There's nothing left to do but keep going.

a mess.

I broke down and made a doctor's appointment today.
How I'm feeling is getting ridiculous.
Even if I can tolerate it, I know people are getting sick of me tolerating it.
Of seeing me miserable
Of finding me in pain.
I try to fake it
but, it's too easy to be read off of me.

I had a new doctor.
This made me nervous.
Really, the whole thing made me nervous.
I had to distract my mind so I wouldn't cry.
I know that sounds pathetic
But it really is an overwhelming thing for me
And I feel I can't fully explain how I feel
Or grasp it.
Grasp anything, really.

She leaned over the examination thing and wrote notes as I told her how I was feeling like poo.
I warned her about how the last doctor was really perplexed by me.
I told her everything I could remember, and she wrote down three potentials that she could come up with right off.
She noted my mom's dad's diabetes and my dad's mom's colon cancer.
Also my cousin's illness.
She left. I texted. She came back
She had three prescriptions and a list of possibilities of what it could be.
She had also shot off a few possibilities
Hypoglycemia
Pre-Diabetic
Pancreatic diseases
Body reacting to too much insulin
Body reacting to not enough insulin
Body not absorbing nutrients
Celiac
IBS
And a handful of things I can't pronounce
Also things I can't remember.

so, I have bloodwork on Tuesday
And also some tests to rule out some things
I have to go on a gluten free diet
And not eat anything on Tuesday.
And I can't drive myself there..
...we'll see how that works out.

I don't know what to think about it.
I don't really like talking about it.
probably because I don't know what to think about it.
If it was my choice, I wouldn't tell anyone.
But, then, I probably would have cried in the office.
Although, it was the prayer that calmed me down, so maybe not.
Still, support is nice...

I guess I just feel mixed emotions
With the weight of guilt for people worrying about me
The accomplishment of defeating myself and actually going to try and take care of this
The stupidity at the fact that I feel this way
Didn't I already take care of this?
Didn't God already heal me?
But what broke me down to actually do something about it was people close to me's concern and that dream that I died, and I watched it happen, but it was prematurely...
It wasn't suppose to happen.
And I was freakin' out.
I don't want that to happen.
I don't want people to worry more than they have to.
Or feel obligated to take care of me.
It's nice that they care and are concerned, I really do appreciate that
but, I can't just ignore this...

I'm a mess.
I'm just going to go to sleep.
My brain won't think anymore.

My heart is screaming.

I see two worlds.
I couldn't change it if I tried.
When I look at people, I don't see them like normal people would.
My eyes see things differently.

I see people not for who they are, but for their potential
In which they either rise to it, or choose things that tear them down.
This is what I see.
This is how I determine how to think about people.

This weighs heavily on how I was raised.
I have seen things most people haven't
And I'm so grateful for it.

God spoke to me at 9 years old
And I haven't been the same since.
That's when this all truly began.

I've lived through my share of hell.
I know pain
I know sorrow
I know hurt
I know fear
I know all of these things.
I'm weathered.
But, despite all this
And really, through all this
I know healing
I know joy
I know strength
I know true peace.

I also know that life is short.
I've had countless people close to me die throughout my life
Mainly recently.
Some older
Some younger
Some my age.
We are not guaranteed tomorrow.
This is so cliche, but it is so true.

With that knowledge, I live my life as if today was my last.
There is only so far you can do this, but I try and do my best to be prepared for each day
I tell people I love them when I have the chance
I try not to let the sun go down on my anger
etc.

But, the point of this...
My heart breaks for you.
I look in your eyes, and I know that you know God
I know you love Him
I know you understand His power
Maybe not to it's fullest extent,
But I know you know He is powerful.
My heart aches.
Because I want to see you reach your full potential.
I don't want to see you compromise.

You life is not mine.
I can't control your decisions
But, I feel as though we are close enough to say something to you.
I promised I wouldn't get close to you
But, it seems as though it's inevitable.
And I love you too much to not say something.
I long to see you thriving
To see Christ smile over you
I know He already does
But I don't want to see Him cringe on any choice you make.

It's a simple complexity, really, this life we live.

I find myself basking in it's beauty, and dreading it's reality daily.
Like a bi-polar view.

But you have such influential power.
It's a gift.
You have the gift of influence.
You have an open mind.

You have such a big heart...
Also, a gift.
I don't want to see you hurt again.

The others, they're different...
They aren't as open as you are...
You are right there.
Truth be told, I have to make myself see them through natural eyes
Instead of through spiritual.
Because through spiritual, it makes me cry.
They are blind, to an extent...
And I just want to shake them and show them the truth
but, that doesn't always work.
So, I sit back.
And pray my life speaks
That maybe some opportunity will arise
And that grace will cover all my flaws and ways that I slip up.

So, I hope we actually get to talk about this soon...
Because you are important to me.
And I hope I can make sense.
But if not, I hope you understand my heart...
I pray I don't mess anything up.
I pray...
I pray.

I know my heart isn't fully expressed in this.
I don't think that is possible...
But that's okay.
I know I'm not meant to be understood
And that, honestly, it's quite impossible.

I'm different.
I've had to come to terms with this
And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

I try to document all I can, but I am human.
I forget
I mess up
I summarize.

That's okay.

One day, this will all make sense.
I pray you understand.

My brain feels like it's on overload...
I'm over it.

thoughts and feelings.

I really love God, and how He works everything out.
And orchestrates it all.
And that we really don't need to be afraid.

Sacrifices

I guess that's what I get for having an open blog...

I can feel the difference in the worlds.
My heart aches.
It's not easily explainable.

Alas, I'm greatful for this.

Difference.

I've had people question what really is the big deal with our decisions.

You know, those little ones that don't really seem to matter.
Do they really matter? Why do they matter? Who cares anyway?

I've come to realize, that is what sets us apart.

I don't know if I can really explain this like I understand it in my head...

Take--for instance--my life compared to others.
Okay, I've never dated
Never kissed a guy
Nothing.
I know this pretty much never happens anymore, and honestly, at first it was a bet with a friend that turned into a "holy crap, I'm 22 and never kissed. There's no way I'm ging to embarass myself now unless I'm marrying this guy" realization.

Compared to the average person next to me.
Kissed many times
Probably not a virgin.
But not like, a whore, where they sleep around endlessly.

It may  mean something to them, it may still be something they consider "sacred" and only give to certain people
but, still, they give it away.

Both of us go to church
Both of us love Jesus
Both of us read our Bible
And probably the same amount, because I'm not a holier-than-thou super Christian.
I'm human.

I know I should read my Bible more, but that's not the point.

So, what sets us apart?
That door.
That simple door that they have opened and I have not...

It's a simple decision
It may not seem like much
But it's like a rope, tied around their ankle that has a lead weight on the other end.
They can still get farther than most people, the ones who live in the world and are whores and blatently live sinful lives
But, they won't get as far as they could.

Those little decisions hold them back and weigh them down.

I know this is something I've had to stare straight in the eye and address the things I've had tied to my ankle, holding me back
Sometimes, I still find myself fighting off thoughts
But thoughts are way different than actions.
Come on, even Jesus was tempted, even He had thoughts about doing things that weren't right
But He never acted out.

It breaks my heart to see these people in my life...
I want so badly for them to untie that weight that only they can untie
And live their life to the fullest that they can.

My heart is a little heavy today.
Hence why I'm actually posting this now.

Sometimes I feel if I don't release thoughts immediately, I might explode.

Sometimes I question things I say
Sometimes I wish I could explain myself better so that people can actually understand what I mean, and I don't give them the wrong impression or idea.

*sigh*
It's life.

My friends still love me.

People will understand one day.

Until then,
I just keep living,
documenting
etching my thoughts onto paper
and furiously stroking these keys
Hoping to shake this, find some peace, and make a difference.

Second Time Around.

If I Die Young by The Band Perry came on the radio for the second time in thirty minutes just now.
I love this song.
It's seriously one of my favorites
And I have just accepted the fact that people won't understand this.

I have a painting of part of the lyrics
Jenn saw it today and said, "Well, that's morbid"
She's never heard the song.
But, it's funny.
Because my life is rather morbid...

I remember as a kid when jonbennet Ramsey or however that's spelled died, I asked mom if when you died, you would stay that age in heaven.
I remember thinking how I wanted to die young.
I remember being fascinated with anything that had to do with death,
Like in movies and TV shows that had people that were dead as main characters
ie. Suzie Q, The Haunted Mansion, That episode of Are You Afraid Of the Dark? where the character died, but didn't realize they died, and only one person could see them, so they showed them the newspaper articles about it...
Stuff like that
Always was my favorite.
Always.

It's ingrained in me.
I can't shake it.

I'm very unique.
Chances are, you won't meet anyone else like me.

That's why I'm afraid of marriage.
Afraid to get too close to people.
There's a depth to me that too many know, but not many active people in my life know.
To fully understand me, you must know this.
Still, most who know it don't understand me.

There are a few people I really want to tell.
Not sure if they'd understand, so I don't say anything.
I just write letters.
That also seems to be how I handle things.
It's not wise for me to say anything anyways.

I'm not worried.
I have learned a lot recently.
I get these glimpses
And they help me understand.

I'm very contemplative right now.
I guess I'm just realizing a lot about myself
What makes me tick.
It's interesting.

I hate when I feel like I talk a lot.
I love listening to people.
I like even more when I can listen to people, and they ask for my input, and listen to it

Closed Door, Bathroom Floor

Nothing looks familiar
Nothing feels the same
Scenery keeps changing
As soon as I learn it's name
I feel the eyes are watching
Their glances seer my skin
Expecting me to remain whole
As I fall apart within.
My heavy heart keeps beating
Thoughts remain incomplete
Body becomes weary
Eyes afraid to find sleep.
Still, I must press on
Continue the work of my hands
and the rythymn of my breathing
Through all this life demands.

I think people expect me to be able to handle the things I can't
And don't expect me to be able to handle the things I can.

I'm opposite
I'm backwards of most people.

I don't really know what to do.

I feel kinda like a failure.
Not good enough.
I haven't been able to meet people's expectations.

Is that bad? Or is that okay?
I don't know.
I'm not even suppose to be posting this
But, I fear if I didn't get it out, I might explode.

Change.

The Change continues.

I don't know how okay I am with this.

Honestly, I want to cry
But I don't even have a door to shut.

I don't think I'm okay
But I don't know what to do about it.

I don't know where life is going
I don't know what to think or how to feel
I honestly feel lost
And as soon as I get used to something, it gets all re-arranged.

I'm sure I'll be okay
And I'll get used to it
But right now it's really hard
And I just want to cry.

I got to be a part of my friend proposing to my really good friend.
It was truly an honor.

I've done a lot of thinking
A lot of evaluating.

People are interesting.

When it's all said and done, she is the only person I've known that I've gotten to see the whole process
And not in a creeper way.
I just got to talk to her about what God was showing her before he was in the picture
And then talked to her after he was in the picture, and what she thought
I was there for the engagement
And I'll do everything in my power to be there for the wedding.

It gives me hope.
To see God come through for His obedient child.

I don't think I let myself sleep.
I think I'm too afraid to stop.

Where is the peace?

What am I doing wrong?

These dreams currently have been scaring me.

confessions from the cove.

An Evanescence song just came on the radio.
My Immortal.

I used to love this song.
It was a haunting addiction.
I haven't listened to it in a long time
And now, here it is.

It's funny what all a simple song can bring back with it's first few chords.
And it's crazy to sit here now and think of how far I've come.
Even scarier to think how easy it would be to go right back into it.

Like there's this giant canyon seperating me and my past
But that canyon can be crossed in a single moment.

Song is over.
Adele is on now.
Much, much better.

Fight another day.

Kindness.

God sure knows.
He knows what we need.
From the complex to the simple.

Sometimes it's a major breakthrough.

Sometimes it's a simple card
An encouraging word
And a pair of elephant socks.

It's amazing what a kind action can do.
It can change the course of someone's entire day.
It can change someone's life.

I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be there.

What happens when there's no where you want to be?

I want to be understood.
I want to be okay.
I want to be happy.
I want to feel better.
I want to stay smaller.
I don't want to worry.
I don't want to have my brain explode with all this mindless nonsense.

I just want to do the right thing.

People seem to be hatin' on me.
Whatever.

Skipped.

I skipped church again today.
second week in a row.

This never happens.
Ever.
Besides the last two weeks, the last time I missed a Sunday service was when one of my girls at Bible school was sick and they had me stay back with her.
I remember dancing in the rain outside after having my own church in my room.
It's cool to be the only one on that campus.

I just feel so watched at that church.
I know everyone, and I feel if I was to respond or something, they are all watching me.
Why do I feel like this?
Because if I ever do respond, someone always says something.
I don't want that...
It makes me feel awkward.

It's probably mainly because the person who usually watches and says awkward things reminds me of and knows the guy who harassed me.
He's way older, and doesn't act like it.
It's just awkward...

So, here I am.
Having church in my room.
I'm sure I'll get condemning comments from a few people.
But, the great part is
Most of my friends understand

I love open-minded people.

I hope to not make this a habit
And the Net will be starting up again soon, which a lot of people consider their home church anyway
So, that'll be good.

silly life.
you're so confusing sometimes.

Maybe.

Maybe I just shouldn't talk to anyone about anything.
Everything works out, anyway.
Why waste the time of talking about it.
It only makes people know, and then they state their opinions...
And when everything works out, you feel stupid.

I don't understand this crazy life we live in
And as soon as I think I do, everything changes.

Understood.

I feel different.
And as I look back on the last few days, I can see it.
I don't understand it.

I wish I did.
It leaves me feeling frustrated.
It leaves me crying.
Crying out, for some form of answer
Some form of solution.

But, honestly, if I found the answer and solution I seem to long for
what would I do with it?
Would I be satisfied?
I never seem to be.

Where is happiness?
Is it in having everyone happy with me?
In doing my best to please them all?
No.
I know this isn't it.
But, somewhere deep engrained in me is the desire to make other people happy.
That's what I find makes me feel better on hard days.

But, then I come across the pain of when they are no longer in my life...
Sometimes people do that.
Or, I've been hurt by so many people.
Or I'll have these expectations for them, and when they don't reach it, I get so disappointed...

My heart breaks.
I'm torn.

There's so much change going on in my life.
I feel like everything is being shaken and I can't find my footing.
I just fall to the floor, crying.

I've been crying more lately.
Obviously.
But if asked why
What made me cry?
I'd have no answer.

Just,
My heart hurts.
And I don't understand it.

I am such a mess.

I find myself crying, and I have no idea what for.
My heart feels so heavy sometimes
That all I can think to do is breakdown.
And I do it without thinking.

It's like some tragedy should be occurring.
Like I should be coping.

Maybe it's the tragedy of my generation
Feeling the weight of their blindness...
My heart is broken.

Awake! Awake, oh sleepers!!

Provider.

Jimmy: I'm trying to win some money so I can help you out.
Me: You don't have to do that, Jimmy...
Jimmy: But I want to. You're my favorite.



Que me choking up.

It's funny, you know, how people are afraid to follow God.
I find it to be the most rewarding thing.
Some people are afraid because they can't see how it will work out.
It doesn't make sense in your head.
But, I think that ends up being the best part.
Just, living life, doing what you're suppose to.
Something happens that can stress you out, but instead you compose yourself and remind yourself of the promise God gave you before stepping out
Then watching Him work.
In little ways.
Ways you would have never expected.

It's the most rewarding thing anyone could ever ask for.

The Martyr's Song.

I read this book by Ted Dekker.
It was a Half Price Books find that I picked up.
My dad was looking for new authors. He's an avid reader, and has read all of his book numerous times. I had remembered my SA at TBI reading books by him, so I was looking for him for my dad.

I didn't know it was part of a series until I read the forward that said you didn't have to read them in any certain order.
Good thing, because I didn't.
It was actually a short read.
A short read that leaves you floored.

Really, I don't even know what to think or feel right now.

The book comes with a CD.
In the book, there's a song.
I'll try not to say anymore so I don't ruin the book, although I don't think it would ruin it...
But, the song is one that Todd Agnew recorded with The Martyr's Song in it.
I popped it in after reading the book.

It starts with the chorus that you read in the book.
"Sing, O son of Zion
Shout, O child of mine
Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind."

As I heard the song, I could have sang along.
But, I've never heard the song.
I remember finding it on Itunes before
but I don't ever remember hearing the chorus...

I just bought the other books in the series on Amazon.

There are moments where I find myself looking around wherever I am
And just smiling.

It's moments like these that get me through life.

Honestly, things have been hard.
I've been pretty down
Trying to keep my head above water.

And it's noticing these little moments that make life worth it.

I hope the people that make these moments possible realize what they mean to me.

God has blessed me with some unexplainabley wonderful people in my life
These people, I like to call my "Friends."
And they deserve that title to the utmost extent that is possible to be formed.

It's so comforting to have people that care enough about you to pray for you, even if they haven't seen you in months and may not know what's going on entirely. They still let you squeeze the mess out of their hand and hold you while you're crying so much that snot is running down your face.

<3

Thank You, God, for boldness.

Life is intense.
Tonight as I sat in the back row of the concert I was shooting, I just felt...unexplainable.
Like breaking.

I am exhausted, had seen people I hadn't seen in a very long time, long day at work, uncertainties about the future of concerts, flashbacks with the bands playing, swimming in memories, my head was hurting, didn't feel too well, etc.

I felt like curling up in a ball on that back row and crying myself to sleep.

I didn't.
I couldn't
I don't really let people see me break, and it seems that someone is always watching me.
It's like the girl I used to be is still deep inside, like I can revisit her at anytime.
She's a part of me.

Where is my life going?
Will I, too, be loved?
What am I suppose to do right now?
Should I just be content and let thing happen?
Will I know?
What will become of me?
What about the dream I had last night?
It seemed so real, but, was it about me? Or symbolic?

So.
Many.
Thoughts.

So.
Many.
Emotions.

So.
Tired.

The end.

thoughts

I do my best
But, I don't feel "home."

There's a lot of change happening
And I really don't feel I have a place to just... be.
The best I can is at work
Thank God for such a great workplace.

Maybe some things aren't meant to be written.
Especially publically.

I've found this out first hand that it can bite you in the butt.

So why do we still write?
Chances are if the person ever found the post, it'd be misunderstood.

I don't know what to think.

My heart is already so heavy.
I've cried more today than I have in months.
Most of it within the first 30 minutes of being awake.

It's been such an emotionally draining day.
What can I do about it?
I don't know what to think
I don't know what to feel
I don't know what to do.

I'm never enough for people.
Which I'm accepting.
I know I can't make everyone happy, and I'm okay with that.
But it's still hard when it seems that everyone is upset with you
And you don't do anything right.

it's whatever, really
I'm learning more everyday.
When these things come up, I just check myself with what God thinks of me
That's what matters.

*sigh*
Maybe things won't always be like this.
Maybe they will.

It makes me skeptical of trusting people.
Makes me never want to.
But.
What kind of life is that?

Whatever.

Do Hard Things.

Just ran a rough situation by a dear friend of mine.
I wanted to get her advice as to what I should do
I know she won't lie to me. That she'll tell me what looks best.
That she'll give me good, sound advice.

The advice she gave is what will be difficult.
*Deep breath*
I should be used to this.
It seems to follow me.
It's what the others it will affect want, too.

I don't know how I'll react.
I'm sure I'll feel sick
fidget
avoid eye contact...

Sometimes in life, we have to do hard things.
Not worry about people involved...
Let it be.

I don't even really know why I'm making a post.
I have no idea where this is going.

This have been pretty trying recently.
So much so that I can't even seem to be able to find words to write in my paper journal.
But my heart is so full
And heavy.

Maybe I just don't want to face everything
Try and ignore it, maybe it'll go away.
But, I'm not ignoring everything.
I just don't know how to express it.

Sometimes I get these unexplainable feelings
Kinda like something is about to happen that I should be anticipating
But I have no idea what it might be.

Maybe that's why I have the urge to write.
To try and somehow put words to this feeling.
To try and figure out what I'm anticipating.

I know I'm prophetic, and I'm starting to realize that God shows me more things before they happen than I realize.
That there are things I know that most people don't
That I'm just suppose to be like Mary, and treasure all these things in my heart.

It's an interesting life I lead.
Often times I try and get people to understand it
But now I'm finally realizing this is an impossible task
And one I don't need to try and take on.

Deja Vu.

May.

May is upon us.
Things are about to get crazy busy.

I have found myself being kinda introverted today.
Not really caring to see people. Or interact.
Coming off kind of harsh and cold to people trying to be cordial.

I don't really know what to think.
I'm already tired.
And have so much ahead of me.
I feel like I'm just going to break.

Maybe I should.

It's that thought and feeling of
if anyone knew, they wouldn't understand
they'd assume and worry.
When it's really nothing.

oh well.

I think too much.

Why can't I just live?

I have decided.

There is nothing that ice cream can't fix.
I posted this on my facebook, and a friend posted
"Ice cream is the duct tape of life"
So true.

I was sitting here
In distress
Unsure of what to do.
Unsure of what to say.
Unsure.

A friend messaged me
Seemingly normal.
She had no idea that she was helping me completely.
Asked what I was doing, if she could come over
I warned her that I was a mess
And she said she'd be over soon.

She brought ice cream.
Not just ice cream,
But straight up Oreo ice cream.

I think there's a certain comfort and safety in ice cream.
One that makes you feel safe enough to actually open up.
Even if you don't say anything
It's like medication for your soul.

We sat.
I verbal vomitted what I could get up.
She sat
She listened.
Then, she asked,
"Do you want me to tell you what I think? Or do you just want to get it out?"
Not a trace of sarcasm. She was serious, and it was exactly what I needed.
She confirmed things that I had wondered if I was right or just over-reacting
She helped me see what wasn't my fault
And what I don't need to pick up as something that is my fault.

I'm too hard on myself
I blame myself for a lot.

I was so unsure of who I could trust.
Who I could talk to
What I should do.

I'm going through a season change
So there's a lot of things I'm uncertain of
And it just gets hard.
But, last night made things more clear.

I'm not sure what to do about the next month
I guess I'll just take it one day at a time.
See what happens.

But I can face today
I have hope for tomorrow
And I know Who to put my full trust into.
And He will never fail me.

God's love is strong.

honesty.

I'm failing at life.

honestly
right now, I feel defeated.
So defeated that I can't even write in my paper journal.
I don't know how to put words to paper.

I feel like crying
I feel like hiding

I feel like a mistake.

I hate being hurt.

There's this feeling I'm fighting
And, I want to verbal vomit all over this blog.
I'm fairly certain it would be safe,
But I screwed up a great friendship by posting thoughts on a blog one time
It was a misunderstanding I couldn't delete before the friend saw it.

I'm hoping this is just a misunderstanding.
Because I find myself having to pick myself up from hurt feelings.
I don't say anything, because it's probably just me.

But it gets me to questioning.
Why bother getting close to people?
I get hurt.
Who do I know that I can really trust anyway?

But it seems to be what I long for.
That person to trust and not be afraid of getting hurt
Someone to prove everyone else wrong.

Maybe this will just always happen.
Maybe I should stop trying.
Maybe I should just keep everything to myself.

I question this all the time
I'm tired about writing the same thing over and over and over again...

I'm so stupid.

Proud Father--Jon Mclaughlin

There will be crying,

being the man that you should.
But, always be trying,
to see all the bad and the good.
And yours is a promising future,
but, know if it all were to fade.
But a proud father of me
you have already made.
And I'll try to be,
all of the answers that you'd ever need.
And I'll try to show,
All of the love that you need to know.

May the sparks in your eyes,
Outlive the lines on your face.
Hold on to the moments in time,
when you and I share the same space.
And thoughts of you hurt me,
but I know the feeling of wrong.
'Cause there are lessons to learn,
in all of the places I've gone.

And I'll try to be,
all of the answers you'd ever need.
And I'll try to show,
All of the love that you need to know.

So hold on to someone,
who'll love you through the hot,
and the cold.
And hold on to someone,
who'll love you,
no matter what they know.
Just hold on to someone,
who'll love you when your hot,
and when your cold.
And hold on to someone.
who'll love you,
no matter who they know.

Open your mind,
So colors of skin you embrace.
And open your eyes,
to harmony coming of age.
It won't always be easy to love,
when you give and you never get back.
But, no one's intended to die,
with their heart still intact.

And I'll try to be,
all of the answers that you'd ever need.
And I'll try to show,
All of the love that you need to know.

So take time to be still and to know,
that all of the world that you'll face.
That a proud father of me,
you have already made.

I'm ridiculous.

Sometimes I just look at myself and shake my head...

I'm ridiculous.
Stupid things bother me.
There are times I care way too much
I think way too much.
I worry way too much.

Why don't I just let things be what they are?
Let things happen?
Why do I get so territorial?

Especially after all the great things that just happened
Especially knowing what I know.

Why am I afraid my friends will steal away my other friends?
That's really stupid.

I want to just be confident in who I am.
I don't want to worry about what's going on around me.
I don't want to think too much about or into anything.

I wish I could shut my brain off and just enjoy life.

Tonight was intense.
I had to face quite a few fears.
I couldn't even fully journal about it...

Thankfully, I have some pretty amazing friends
I am forever grateful to them.

Vita est quoque brevis

"Stop worrying and live. Life is too short."

That's what I heard in my head today at work.
I guess my co-worker may be partial to blame. She's been on this "Life is too short" kick where she's not making excuses. Why not do all sorts of things, just because we're able to?
Life is too short.

As I thought of this, I realized that this is what I want.
I want to make some memories.
I want to look back on my life and have a smile on my face
I want stories to tell.

Life is too short.
So, we decided we're going to do all we can to enjoy this short life of ours.
Starting with her and her friend coming out to my parents house to go shooting.
Granted, this is something I do all. the. time.
But, they've never done it, and it's actually on their bucket list.
What greater memory than helping someone meet their goals?

So, what do I want to do with this new found spice for life?
I want to camp out on the beach
I want to see an elephant
I really want to ride an elephant, but I don't know if that's a possibility.
I want to visit Liz in Spain next year
I want to see friends at TBI
I want to see Clarissa
I want to see Rachel McKissack
I want to taste foods I've never tasted
I want to see things I've never seen
I want to experience things I've never experienced.

I want to go places
I want to laugh
I want to spend time with people I care about.
I don't want to worry
I want to just jump.

I have life.
For how long, who knows?
So whether I have 3 months or 30 years
I want to live.
I want to live while I can.

The one thing that I feel I get run over for is the only thing that seems to set me apart.

If there's anything good about me that people can say, it's how I'm always flexible or whatever.
If they need me, I'm there.
And I generally don't cmplain.

Well, it's getting to me right about now
And I don't know what I can do about it.

I don't want to say anything, because I dread that voice, and that look.
I feel helpless and defenseless.
And not understood.

I'm tired.
I just want to be happy.
But I feel like I can't live my life
I feel like I have to always have it open to be able to jump when asked.
Sure, I've said no.
But there are some things that just feel out of my control.

This is really inconvenient for me.
But, what can I do?

I feel like I've been deceived.
So why did I buy in?

I could have sworn God was leading me
Maybe this is just a bit of hardships that I have to endure
Maybe things will get better...
But what about all this time and all these opportunities I feel like I'm losing?

I'm scared.
So, I sacrifice my happiness for security.
Maybe one day, I will have endured all this
And I can have both.

Until then, I make the most of what I can.

Confidence.

Everything I'm facing can be summed up in one word.
Confidence.
I need to have more of this.
It would fix so much.

It's a work in progress
And I've got some pretty deep roots to pull up
But, from what I have considered, it will be deeply worth it.

It's like I can feel the difference in the mindset
Like they are tangible.
Two different worlds, almost
Like the first is this happy, wonderful place
But I seem to sink into the second, depressing, worried, insecure world
The world I don't belong in.

I'm getting out of this world.

I'm beginning to believe that this is bigger than me.

I'm trying to fight of these thoughts.
Thoughts that I don't know how to explain
Because they really don't make sense to me either.

There are people I long to be close to
To get to know on a deeper level.
But, I fight it.
Because, the timing isn't right
Or, something.
I'm not entirely sure.

I keep telling myself
"You have to make yourself missed"
That if I'm always there, then people don't have any time to miss me.
To appreciate who I am in their life.
I'm just predictable.

Days like this make me ache for expression
I long to create something that gets everything that is inside of me out
That helps express who I am
To show the world.

Maybe one day this will all make sense.
Maybe one day I'll make sense...

I can only hope.

meh.

My scars are disappearing...
This really makes me sad.
the end.

I feel like...

I feel like
Everything I know is changing.
Like I'm becoming somewhat of a recluse
Spending more time by myself
Not really wanting to be around many people.
I've been really missing my family a lot.

I don't really know what all this is about.
I'm not really sure what to think.
I get my fair share of people
But I haven't really been talking as much
And, I've noticed...
I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into some things.
Maybe there's really nothing wrong, maybe I just need some time
And space.

Sometimes I wish I could move
Or check myself into some facility
Just to get away
To get a fresh start.
To maybe get some answers
Some wisdom.

But, I know that wouldn't help.

There's a lot of nonsense going through my head that I have to dismiss.
A bunch of crap.
I'm just ready for whatever's next
But I don't want to miss out on what I have now.

meh.
whatev.

Big news.

Well, I guess it's potentionally big.
kinda scary.

Who do I tell?

Not the normal people I'd expect.
My co-worker, of course.
I can give her small little tidbits, and that's all it takes for her to get it.
I don't need words to help me

I think that's my problem.
I keep searching and searching for someone to understand me
Someone to fill this aching I can't seem to shake.
I never expected to feel this.
Especially having Christ in my life.
Maybe I need to take a step or two back
re-evaluate where He stands in my life, just keep making sure He's still first.
Set priorities.
A little extra time never hurt.

So that's what I did today
And it felt great.
Why don't I do this more?
Maybe I should
I can make excuses all I want with
"It'll be easier when we move into the house"
or, whatever.
Excuses don't really get you anywhere.

I'll be fine
I need to learn to not depend so much on people.
I just need to depend on God
:)

Love.

So.
I have my brother.
My whole life I remember hearing about him
But, I never knew him.

I also heard of my Grandma
She died before I was born
And I guess in my mind, there was no difference between the two.
I would say my brother is alive
But, when it came down to it, I had never seen him
Never heard his voice
Never seen his face.
He was just like a fairytale
A nice story about the brother I always dreamed of.

This weekend, I found him online, and made the first contact with him of my life.
I saw pictures of him.
He knows who I am
He's not just a story anymore.

I was so happy.
I felt a depth of happiness that I don't know if I have ever experienced before.
I cried.
Tears of joy.
Then, it would hit me in ways
Sometimes, I'd squeal
Sometimes, I'd jump up in down
Sometimes, I'd tear up
Sometimes, I'd say, "I have a brother!!"

I think this is how some people view God.
He's just some story they've heard their whole lives
But, when you search for Him
When you reach out
He meets you there
And He will communicate with you
and show you His face
and His heart
and when you experience that, you can't contain it

It's a beautiful thing.

Also, I think this is how God feels when we reach out
So happy that we have chosen Him.
After all His years of waiting.

This beautiful imagry brought tears to my eyes.
I'm overwhelmed, in a good way.

Brother.

I really just want to break down and cry right now.
My heart hurts so badly...

I found my brother on facebook.
I've never met him. I don't even know for sure if he knows about me
I would assume he does.
I sent the friend request, not thinking anything of it.
He accepted it.

Dang, really? That easy? I wonder if he realizes who I am.
I guess he does.

I check out his page
wondering if my sister has a facebook
I haven't seen her since I was about 4 years old.
My eyes tear up to see his face.
He looks so much like my Dad.
That's when I see
He's in a relationship.
With a guy.

I didn't see that one coming.
My heart shatters on the floor...
How could someone in my own family be gay?
No one else is
Was it because of the absence of my dad in his life?
That wasn't fully my father's fault...
Why can't my brother know the Jesus I know?

I want so badly for him to love the Lord.
To know this fulfillment I have.
To get to know my dad again
I don't know if I can tell him that he's gay...
My dad's only son. gay.
But, I mean, we love him anyway
right?

I've been cool with my gay friends
That's whatever, their choice to not fully surrender.
but...
not my brother.
The one I've dreamed about meeting my whole life
The one I've sat for hours wondering what he's like
What he looked like
If he was married
If he had kids
If he ever missed us
Or wondered where we were.

We would pray for him and my sister, Shelly, growing up
Dad always prayed for us before bed
And we always prayed for them, too
If they've been covered in prayer, how does this happen?

My first reaction is regret...
Maybe I didn't want to know this...
But, at the same time
Maybe it's good
'Cause, now I know how to pray for him.
He's never too far gone.
And I love him
He's my only brother.

I'd love to meet him in real life one day
Maybe one day.
Who knows
but, for now
I pray with everything within me that he gets delivered.

Got off work a little early today, so I went into the cove and journaled for some time. Liz and I sat there together doing our own thing for a while, it was great.
Lots of things are going through my mind.
Honestly, I don't think I can ever get everything out.
That's okay.
I wrote this line, and after I wrote it, I stopped, re-read it, and said, "Woah. That's good."
"You weren't meant to understand, you were meant to live."

The truth in that statement is intense.
I don't know where my life is going
I have a general idea of where today is going.
Granted, it's 6:00pm, so there isn't much left to it, but it still can be pretty unpredictable.
I don't think it's really for us to understand.
We can't understand everything, that's impossible.
This is where trust comes in. We have to trust that God knows more than us, that He loves us and that He is going to take care of us.
All of which He has promised us.
Nowadays, promises aren't taken as seriously as they used to be
People make promises flippantly and break them consistantly, so when we hear God promises us something, there's a fear in the back of our minds.
No need.

God's got it.
He knows what you need.
Just let Him take you where He needs you to be, and He will take you to amazing places.
Places you'll love.

It's a win/win really.

I'm not a big fan of when people I trust hurt me.
Maybe that means I'm getting too close.
What's the point of getting close at all?

I've asked myself this question many times
Yet, I keep doing what I'm doing
I keep loving people, I keep putting my heart on the line, I keep believing in them.
Why?

Because how could I not...

I guess I just set myself up for this.
Maybe that's okay.

Numb.

Truth is, I'm not letting myself feel anything.
A few moments I was able to, but I've been in front of people, or places I don't want to break.
People can tell it, I know they can.
But, I have nothing to say.
Where would I begin?

Physical pain is so much easier to deal with than emotional.
I honestly wish I was in pain, maybe I could ignore this.

I must press on.
This will get better...
They have to.
Cause, if not
Then what's the point.

explosion

I'm at war within myself
And I don't know how to explain the fight.

I feel like breaking down.
What happened?
Nothing to me.
Friend is going through something difficult.
I can't do anything.
She's not talking to me about it, because I'm sitting right here in this public place.
She left rather upset.
She's talking to her sister and another friend.

So, I'm at war.
The war of not blaming myself
Or thinking anything is wrong with me
And also coming to the realization that my hands are tied.
That I can't help her.

I guess it makes me question a lot.
Am I too close?
Should I back off?
Should I trust people so much
Should I trust people at all.

I've been feeling simular ways that I did in high school.
Or shortly after.
I want to cut off emotions
Keep people at arms length.
Avoid this feeling
Avoid further feelings that cause hurt.

So, I'm blaring flyleaf in my earbuds as I sit in this coffee shop. I'm here 3 hours before my shift, because I got called in to make a few pans of gelato.
It's really pointless to go home.

It's like I can feel everything I've been living for
Everything pumping in my blood
Like an adrenaline rush
Flowing and flowing and making my heart race
Like I should be expecting something
Crap going wrong like it's trying to prevent it
I almost died in a car accident yesterday
I almost got into another one today
Health stuff trying to come back
Things attacking my family
Things attacking my friends
Things obviously attacking me

What do I do?
I wish I could just scream, and cry, and punch things, and let this out get this out of my system.
It's aching to come out.

What can I do
I don't think there is much.

People are starting to read it off of me
Ask me what is wrong
Or misinterpret it
Or not even ask what's wrong
Maybe they say other things...
Take a different notice than they usually do.

Something is stirring.
People are having dreams
People are being drawn to pray.
I feel this urgency.

When will this really happen?

I think I do this to myself.
I crossed the line.
I try and keep my distance from people, so I don't get too attached, or whatever.
I really don't even know how to explain this.
There are people I really care about I see there potential, and I want them to achieve it.
Sometimes I want it too much, and I feel like I've crossed the line.
Whatever.

Then, I mean, we're friends.
We tell each other stuff
But I'm suprised when she doesn't tell me something?
Granted, it is something that we usually talk about but, we aren't BFF's or whatever, which is good.
They're leaving soon anyway, so why should I care?
I don't know what will happen.

Now that I've ranted.
What do I really care?
Why should I worry about this?
There's nothing I can do about it, I just have to keep being who I am.
These are the cases that I look back on my writing, and cringe.
I feel like a stupid little girl.
I should just be real.
Who cares.
Don't put too much emotion into people.
I need to learn this difference.

This is good.
That I recognize what I need to do about this.
This post kinda makes me iffy.
Why post it?
I don't know.
 But, alas, I do it anyway.

sorrow lasts for the night...

So, the other night, my heart was feeling super heavy.
I didn't fully understand why.
One reason was to get me to pray for someone who was going through something I was unaware of at the time
The other was something for me before it happened.

Still, my friend prayed for me.
I couldn't hear what she said, but I knew it must be good, because what I felt was unmistakable.

Peace.

She text me later. Ironically, right as everything was unfolding.
It wasn't technically "tragic" but it's something really hard for me to deal with.
It's a topic that I'm personally working on
So, just the fact that she was there, texting me, encouraging me as it was unfolding made me smile.
Even though all this pain was looking me in the face, and had every reason to smile through it all.
God was proving Himself, that I will be okay.
That this wasn't my fault
That there is nothing I could do about it
And my friend, in her ever-wise words told me
"It's okay to grieve this, you know..."
So, I'm not crazy
or emotional
or stupid for feeling this way.
To know I was okay was exactly what I needed...
Then, she tells me what it was she was praying earlier
Praying against Depression
Praying against Loneliness
Praying against Abandonment...
To know that God had me covered in prayer before everything happened...
At the same time, my other friend was texting me that she loved me
So, I had love from two different aspects of my life.

Even though I cried myself to sleep that night
The tears dry
And the days get better.
The sun still shines
There is still so much to be happy about
And thankful for.
The sorrow lasts for the night
but joy comes in the morning
:)

Reflections.

The Jeremy Camp concert was last night.
It was great.
He is super personable and kind and genuine about everything.
You can tell he really cares about every person to come to the show, and that everything he does isn't because of obligation, it's because of heart.
We laughed. A lot.
I got some pretty good pictures. Gave them to his guitar player named Andy, along with my email in case they use them.
I guess we'll see what happens with that. That'd be awesome if they actually used them.

I think that there is a kindred spirit between Jeremy and I.
I understand it.
And I'm pretty sure I had always thought that it would be like this, but it really was.
This was reality.
And I think that when it makes sense to the world, that he'll remember the little photographer from Corpus Christi.
If at least vaguely.

It almost felt like there was a completion last night.
And like a confirmation.
They played Mighty To Save
The show ended at 10:23pm on the dot.
I don't think it was coincidence.

It feels like a Luke 1:45, Luke 2:19 kind of thing.