a mess.

I broke down and made a doctor's appointment today.
How I'm feeling is getting ridiculous.
Even if I can tolerate it, I know people are getting sick of me tolerating it.
Of seeing me miserable
Of finding me in pain.
I try to fake it
but, it's too easy to be read off of me.

I had a new doctor.
This made me nervous.
Really, the whole thing made me nervous.
I had to distract my mind so I wouldn't cry.
I know that sounds pathetic
But it really is an overwhelming thing for me
And I feel I can't fully explain how I feel
Or grasp it.
Grasp anything, really.

She leaned over the examination thing and wrote notes as I told her how I was feeling like poo.
I warned her about how the last doctor was really perplexed by me.
I told her everything I could remember, and she wrote down three potentials that she could come up with right off.
She noted my mom's dad's diabetes and my dad's mom's colon cancer.
Also my cousin's illness.
She left. I texted. She came back
She had three prescriptions and a list of possibilities of what it could be.
She had also shot off a few possibilities
Hypoglycemia
Pre-Diabetic
Pancreatic diseases
Body reacting to too much insulin
Body reacting to not enough insulin
Body not absorbing nutrients
Celiac
IBS
And a handful of things I can't pronounce
Also things I can't remember.

so, I have bloodwork on Tuesday
And also some tests to rule out some things
I have to go on a gluten free diet
And not eat anything on Tuesday.
And I can't drive myself there..
...we'll see how that works out.

I don't know what to think about it.
I don't really like talking about it.
probably because I don't know what to think about it.
If it was my choice, I wouldn't tell anyone.
But, then, I probably would have cried in the office.
Although, it was the prayer that calmed me down, so maybe not.
Still, support is nice...

I guess I just feel mixed emotions
With the weight of guilt for people worrying about me
The accomplishment of defeating myself and actually going to try and take care of this
The stupidity at the fact that I feel this way
Didn't I already take care of this?
Didn't God already heal me?
But what broke me down to actually do something about it was people close to me's concern and that dream that I died, and I watched it happen, but it was prematurely...
It wasn't suppose to happen.
And I was freakin' out.
I don't want that to happen.
I don't want people to worry more than they have to.
Or feel obligated to take care of me.
It's nice that they care and are concerned, I really do appreciate that
but, I can't just ignore this...

I'm a mess.
I'm just going to go to sleep.
My brain won't think anymore.