I have all I need.

Hours have been slow and tips have been scarce here lately.
I'm trying not to worry about it, because the Lord told me He would take care of me. I know I can take Him at His word.
I still have to remind myself of this each time reality starts to sink in a little deeper.
Today was one of those days.
I usually pay for gas with tips, but being that they have become few and far between, I haven't had as much to be able to set aside for this. (Cash also takes care of the extra things I may need, things at the store, water, etc.) Well, my car is 8 miles away from the gas light coming on, so I knew I'd need to get gas when I left work if I wanted to be able to get back tomorrow.
No big deal, just use my card.
Right?
There technically is $38 in my account. And we get paid Monday.
But I've had to make some big purchases that have used what would normally be stored up in there for occasions like these; Pointe shoes, (complete with ribbon, elastics, and toe pads.) Dance Class registration fees, plane tickets for a wedding I booked, etc. So I was changing out all my coins for bills in the register so we don't have to worry about change on this holiday weekend and I can have a few bills instead. I forgot that I had hidden $10 from myself in my coin purse, but I want to leave that there. I think I may be able to squeeze out $20 from the ample amount of change from my car and the couple of ones I have in my wallet.
It literally came out to $20.05 total.
Now, I drive about 70 round trip for work every day, where I get paid slightly above minimum wage. It's not the amount of pay, nor the amount of hours I was told upon agreement to work here, but I push this out of my mind. Because God told me to work here. And if He told me to, then I'm supposed to be here, regardless of what reality tries to tell me.
I have to work 7 days this week, and I know that the girl working the bar will probably get good tips this weekend, which I'm fighting the reasoning of how unfair that seems to me because she works just as hard when she is here. She's entitled, too.
I'm just getting nervous and wanting to control and justify everything.
Which I can't do. That's not my job.
So I was talking about jobs with a friend of mine who has to renew her contract and in essence re-apply for her job. I told her that I have to miss a day of work due to tests the doctors have to run on me. Just kinda sucks, cause it's a whole day of work I'll miss simply because I have to do this test in the morning. Now, there are tons of benefits this will give me since I wasn't going to be able to have a day off for 3 weeks, but I know things are gonna be tight here coming up. Hours have already been cut and it's only going to get more extensive.
As I was typing to her, one of my little confirmation things from a dream I had came up. I sent it to the friend I was talking to and just kinda laughed at the irony in my head. Then a song came on that said, "I can feel a breakthrough coming" over and over. I stopped what I was doing and prayed.
"God. I trust You, I do. You're not gonna let me down. Help me to trust You. Help me not try to control this. Help me to just be able to sit here and wait on You to provide. You hear me. You see me. You're not gonna let me go under. You keep your promises."
I went back to some of the pictures I was editing and a man with his son and either sister or girlfriend came in asking about the golf carts we rent. I told them the different stipulations, and they asked about if it was possible to keep it over night so they could take it when they go fishing. This is a common thing people do, so I know my boss has let people do it before. I told them that my boss usually makes that call, but I can definitely ask him. I told them he may be in later on tonight if they wanted to check back at 6pm or so, but if he wasn't here, I would leave an answer with whoever is either way. The man put a $20 on the counter and said, "That's for you. For being so kind to us and asking your boss."
At first, I wasn't sure what to think. I didn't know if I should take him seriously, if I was allowed--many questions coming through my head, so I tucked it to the side, still kind of in sight in case I misunderstood.
He said it again as he left.

I can get gas now.
I can get gas to last me until Monday, and get the few groceries I needed to make real food for the weekend.
And I still don't have to touch what's left in my bank account.

It reminded me of the 23rd Psalm, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."
Or, as I say it in my head,
"I have the Lord, I lack nothing."

He really is taking care of me.
I'm humbled, really, by how He is going about this whole season. Giving me exactly what I need, and even a little more.
My pointe shoes? I was given $120 (that I wasn't expecting) for housesitting last week. My pointe shoes in total cost $115.99. That's a $4.01 difference that I had extra. And I didn't even use the cash. I had enough buffer in my account to set the cash aside in to a place I'm saving in case I have an emergency, and if I don't then it'll go towards a lens.
The plane ticket I had to buy? I worked crazy hours a couple weeks back that warranted me an extra check. I was going to put it into my savings account, when I realized I would need the plane ticket. What I'm getting paid for the wedding will end up covering it, but I won't get that until later. The check was for $312.00. The plane ticket? $312.60.
You can't get that specific on accident.

A friend also sent me pictures of pages from a book she's reading about waiting. I need to get it, because it is so good, and exactly what I needed to hear. That I need to wait while I wait. The first "wait" meaning to serve as I do the second "wait" which means what we normally interpret the word to mean.

So, as I wait, I will serve the Lord; knowing that He is taking care of everything I need.
And not only what I need, but what I enjoy; like dance class.

I have the Lord, I lack nothing.

Who are you dreaming for?

I set some goals for myself
Actively pursuing my dreams.
Working hard for a two year time frame to try and get this accomplished.

At the beginning, it seemed impossible.
But here it is.
It's happened.
I did it.

Now, is there a big fanfare for this?
Is there a celebration for my accomplishments?
No.
What I'm finding is that most of the people closest to me still think I'm ridiculous.
They may say "congratulations" or ask me about it, but you can tell the difference between someone who really supports you and someone who is just being condescending.

Even though I've done it, I've accomplished this huge goal for myself, people still think I'm being juvenile.
That I need to get over it.
They have an "okay, you've done it. Now it's over, right?" kind of attitude.

But that's just it.
This is never going to be over for me.
If I had my way, I'd do this every single day of my life.
Sadly, I can't afford to do that, and I wrestle with feelings of emptiness on days that are spent otherwise.
They feel wasted.
They feel pointless.

So, who am I dreaming for?
Am I dreaming for the applause of those people around me?
Am I dreaming for a "job well done!" ?
Am I dreaming for a pat on the back?
Am I dreaming to somehow make someone else proud of me?

No.
I'm dreaming for myself.
I'm dreaming to accomplish my own goals.
I'm dreaming to show myself that I can
I'm dreaming to show myself that things that seem impossible are indeed possible.
I'm dreaming to make myself proud of myself, to feel accomplished inside, to express this longing that lives deep down.
And if someone else can get something out of it along the way, even better.
But this is for me.
Anyone else, and I'm only setting myself up for disappointment.

So, pat yourself on the back.
Shut out the haters.
Dream for yourself.

Today is one of those days.
where the depth inside me is evident in every moment.
Beginning with the dreams I had last night, to the fact that Titanic was on ABC Family, to the music I now listen to.

I wish I could explain how different these days feel, but as often as I've tried, I've never had success.

Funny.

I think it's funny
That there's certain people that appear to be very loved.
And maybe they are.
But that people look at them and think they don't need to be loved.
That someone else has it covered.
That surely, there's some body out there who makes them feel valued and wanted.
Right?

Who are we to assume?
It's like assuming that someone who borrows your car will put gas in it, so you drive without checking.
More than likely, they're not going to. Some will, some people are kind.
But what does it hurt to check?

What does it hurt to encourage these people?
What does it hurt to express love?
I mean, some people let it go to their head. And that can make it difficult.
But still.
Why not love the one who shows the most love?
Why not encourage the one who encourages the most?
Because, honestly, if they're giving it out so much, they probably empty of it really quickly.
Especially if there are those selfish people in their lives that just try to milk them for all they're worth.

Do yourself a favor.
Say kind words today.
Express kind thoughts.
Even if you're not sure how it'll be received.
Kindness never hurts.

Words.

Words are powerful, y'all.
Someone once told me if you think something nice about someone, tell them.
Even if you don't have reason to.
Even if they seem to be at a higher level than you.
Even if you don't know them.
Even if they are at a "lower level" than you.
Even if they've heard it a million times.
Even if you think they know it.

They may not.
They may have forgotten.
They may need to hear it one more time.
They may have never been told.

When it comes down to it, what bad could it do to say nice words?
None.
Nothing truly bad can come out of kindness.
Nothing you'll regret can come from kindness.
If it's done with a true, honest, and humble heart.

A few of the kind things I've been told recently:
"Your coffee is better than starbucks!"
"We come over here every year and have stayed at almost every place there is, and I must say, you're the kindest person we have ever encountered."
"You are the most beautiful person I have ever met!!"
That was one I had never heard before.
The one before, that's one I needed to hear.

You never know what people are going through, even if they seem to be doing just fine in life.
Sometimes, those can be some of the people hurting the most.
Encourage the encouragers.

I was in the line at HEB not too long ago.
A really sweet lady was our checker.
The lady before us had a price issue on peaches, and it took a little bit of time in the express lane.
I waited. Because I was so impressed with her kindness and professionalism.
I told her, "You are one of the kindest people I've ever had at the check out."
She replied with a laugh, "And the slowest!"
To which I said, "I would take kindness over speed any day."
Her eyes got wide and misty as she said, "Thank you so much for saying that. I'm still pretty new here and don't have everything figured out yet. Thank you so much."

I would have never guessed in a million years she was new. That she felt like she was falling below the bar. That she needed those words. I could have kept them to myself, but what my friend told me echoed in my ears. Holding back the words won't benefit you any, why not just set them free?

searching.

Had a couple come into the gift shop,
"Do you have any flash lights?"
Having never been asked that one before, I said, "You know, I don't think we do. I'm gonna have to ask about that one!"
I look around to where they might be if we did just to make sure, and the husband tells me,
"We saw a whole group of people on the beach with flash lights last night. They were all very intent on finding something, a whole group of them. We figured we'd see about getting a flash light and seeing if we could figure out what it is they're looking for."

Imagine if we were searching God to know Him better, like these people were searching the beach. Not even the darkness would keep us back from looking for more of Him.
I'm willin' to bet that people just watching us would become curious, and would want to know what it is we're searching for.

Let your life speak.

mind mush.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I was more like other people.
They seem so happy
Their life must be so much fun.

Funny. That's what I've been told some people think about me.

But, surely their life doesn't have as much seemingly pointless drama as mine does.
All this exhausting nonsense sucking the day of it's beauty.
I try my hardest to not waste a day on something so small, but my heart gets in the way.
And before you know it, I'm drained. And want to crawl into my introverted hole and stay there.
With ice cream.
Blue Bell Rocky Mountain Road, to be exact.
Curled up in a ball, wrapped in my favorite blanket
Watching Grey's Anatomy. Season 8.
Or really, any of the episodes where something drastic happens.
So that way, maybe what you feel with be justified.
Except that it's just a TV show, but you don't tell yourself that.

Why can't I be confident? Why can't I just let all of this roll off my shoulders and go on with life?
I've tried. Believe me, I've tried.
I'm actually way better than I used to be.
Honestly, I don't want to care.
I want to blare Icona Pop from my speakers as I drive over the bridge and not into it.
Enjoy my days while I have them.

So if this is my mantra, why is my heart still so heavy?
Maybe there's something yet to be that will warrant all of these emotions.
Maybe it'll give me a reason to be so lethargic.
Because I really don't want it to be because of all this.

I miss the stage.
You could be a million different people and no one would question you.
But here, I have a reputation to uphold.
Not that I want to go out and get drunk, and party til I can't remember, and mess around with whoever I want.
Heck no.
I don't want to be stupid.
I just want to be able to be who I want to be, and not have people try and tell me I'm not spiritual enough.
Or that I'm not a godly person.
Or that, "And she calls herself a Christian."
Or the "look at her, she thinks she's so much better than us. But look at her..."
yatta yatta yatta.
It's not even so much the issue looming over my head.
It's the unknown conversation happening behind me.
I don't know what they're going to say.
What they're thinking.
What opinions they have.

Why should I care?
I think this over like I can do anything else about it.
I need to leave it where the conversation may or may not be happening.
Behind me.

So why won't this sinking feeling go away?
Maybe it's unrelated to that past issue.
Maybe that's the only thing I have to pin it to, so I'm conveniently doing so.

I need something to happen in my life.
Something that makes all of this worth it.
I need something that is so bright that I don't even notice the shadow of all my troubles.

I have to hold on to the hope I have.
That some day, all these times now that don't make sense will.
And that if I just hold out, then it'll all be worth it.
It has to be.
I've come too far for it not to be.

Let's do this.

You never know.

If you're like me, you live a rather simple life.
Day to day, nothing flashy.
Wake up, routine, sleep.

Just know it's more than that.
You're daily life could be speaking more than you know.

I know for me, today my friend's daily life spoke more to me than she'll ever know.
And really, it's not just the one day it spoke. It's her daily life, and our interaction that helped me out in a simple yet astounding way.
I've had some hard days, and I've been just trying to figure out how to react and what to do and say and how to feel. It's not an uncommon thing to happen to me, this thing I've had lingering. But it is the first time it's happened since I've really come into myself. Even though things seemingly went to poop, I didn't cry a single tear. And not out of stubbornness, either. Journaling about it got me to shaking, and it definitely bothered me, but on the inside, I am unshakable. There's something deep down that's holding me together, that's whispering in my ear that things will be okay. Subtle confirmations that when I look back, this will all be worth it.
I know this is the Holy Spirit helping me. We're tight. hehehe.
And today, He used my friend's life to show me hope.

She's simple. Nothing flashy. Sure, she's immensely talented, but she's level headed about it. I think that's what makes her talent so great and so captivating--that her confidence ends there. It's confidence. It doesn't cross that line into cockiness or pride. She is who she is, and she's just fine with that. She's kind and funny and really seems to enjoy life. She's a light. Today I saw her in her element of talent. And I think what stuck out to me the most is how her character off the stage shows on stage through her gifts. She'd probably laugh at me saying all of this, or be like, super touched. Who knows. The point is; today, her life gave me hope. That I, too, can live my life and that be enough. That I don't have to change for anyone. Even down to the bunny I still sleep with at 24 years old. She is who she is, and that's why she is so lovable.
That is what I am finally starting to figure out, and am so grateful to be learning no matter how painful the lesson may prove to be. And I am eternally grateful for the example she is to me at this time in my life.

Thank you, Brandy. I'm honored to know you.

Common misconceptions.

1.) "You must be an extrovert"
No. Actually, I'm your stereotypical introvert.
2.) "You must be a morning person"
I can function in the morning, but I prefer to be alone during them.
3.) "I bet you have a great boyfriend"/"You must have dated"
I've never dated. I'm picky and have trust issues. Really, there's waaaay more to it than that, but it's way too long to try and sum up on here. If you want to know, just ask.
4.) "You must make so much money with photography"
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
5.) "I thought you were intimidating when I first met you."
Hopefully this has changed as my insecurities have begun to shrink... I'm as cuddly as a puppy.
6.) "You must have a lot of friends."
Kinda true. But my true friends are few. Although more than most people may have. But not as many as people would expect. I'm an introvert, I keep to myself.
7.) "You must know so much about art/cameras"
Nope. I know what I see and how I see it. I just go with it. As for knowing about structured art, I'm clueless.
I like it that way.
8.) "You must be so lonely"
Quite the opposite. I'm single by choice. I like it this way. Until someone awesome enough to change this comes along, I'll stay right here where I'm content :)
9.) "You're so complicated"
Actually, I'm so simple, it's complicated.
10.) "You gotta weigh--what--130?"
BAAAHAHAHAA!! I wish.
11.) "You're what...16? 19?...no?...22?"
almost 25. thanks.
12.) "You must have so much free time"
quite the opposite. And I have to factor it carefully.
13.) "You love speaking in front of people!"
Not really. I don't prefer it. But I will do it if I have to or have something that needs to be said.

just a few.