Words.

"I can't take back the words I never said."

Merry Christmas, here's a funeral.

I didn't make it near as long between deaths this time as I did last time, and what's worse is that this time it's someone close to our family.

Dad called me at work today to inform me that the Husband of our married neighbors died last night.
He was in Galveston, picking up a boat, when he died in the hotel room. He was found the next morning, they called the ambulance, who found him unresponsive and took him to a hospital where they pronounced him dead.

We've known this family since I was about 10 or 11. They own a restaurant here in town that is well known and loved by everyone in the area. In fact, just last week they opened a new, bigger location. My family has all worked at this restaurant at one point or another. We grew up with his youngest daughter, who is now married with two kids of her own. He's helped us with projects on the property, and vise versa. He would come over and talk to my Dad for hours, or come out and say hi when we stopped by the restaurant and refuse to let us pay. He was always good to us, his family is full of good people. We would go over for Thanksgivings or whatever they were having at the house, he would drive his little red sports car over to see us. It's just weird to know he won't be outside to wave when we go walking, or give me a hard time when I come home late, or hang out with my Dad.

I think I'm still in shock. It doesn't seem real. After all, he's always there, surely he still will be, right?

And I'm here at work, having to suppress feelings so I don't lose it or whatever. I just want to sit in an empty place with my journal and really process this.
I want to hang out with my Dad.

Yeah, about that.

I was thinking of writing a post that involves discussion of something I have dealt with in my past.
Something not often discussed passed my sphere of close friends.
But I kept hesitating.
I would get nervous and very leering of talking about it.
But I want to tell people what's on my heart. I want to warn people who may be debating doing something like this. I want to help as many people as possible. It breaks my heart to know that there are people out there who will make the decisions I did and end up in this place of struggle and misunderstanding. I want to hug every single person who cries to themselves over all of this mess.

Yet I mostly keep my mouth shut.
Because when I open it, I get pity.
I get gasps of shock and unbelief.
I get empathy over something that happened under their noses years ago.
I inflict guilt. And confusion. And shock.
I get people doubting me or hating on me, which honestly is the easiest to deal with.
I'd rather have hate than pity.

So why don't I speak?
Honestly, I don't know.
If there moment arises, I will.
If someone comes across my path that needs my words, I'll speak.
But as far as being public  with it, I just can't do that yet.

Maybe because I'm still not fully "over this" or whatever.
Thrust into a pit of shock and pain and confusion and memories and voices screaming at me while people are watching my every move to see how I'll react--I can't do it.

It's harder when they're closer to you. Strangers are easier to handle.

So I sit here, quiet.
Contemplative.
Waiting.

thoughts to ponder.

So many thoughts in my head.
Not sure I want to tell them to the world.

Maybe some things are meant to be left unsaid.
Maybe secrets exist for a reason.

Lies are a funny thing, too.
But is a secret a lie?

Merriam-Webster dictionary says:

Secret adj.
1: Kept hidden from others; known to only a few people
2: Keeping information hidden from others.

Lie verb
1: To make an untrue statement with intent to deceive.
2: To create a false or misleading impression.

So I guess it can be, but it also doesn't have to be.

Definitely more thoughts to ponder.

Wrong.

Something feels wrong in me.
and I can't figure it out.