Tired.

I'm tired of living with two married couples--it's ruining me.
I'm tired of having to put up with everything here
I'm tired of walking on egg shells at home
I'm tired of not being able to fully be myself
I'm tired of tolerating
I'm tired of being talked to like I'm lazy, or incapable, or whatever.
I'm tired of people thinking I suck.
I'm tired of people talking things about me that aren't true
I'm tired of people thinking I'm things I'm not.
I'm tired of being tired all the time
I'm tired of being busy
I'm tired of ... so much.

I really don't know.
I'm trying, I really am...but really... I don't know what else to do.
Is something wrong with me? Do I just suck that bad? Do I have some sort of condition that causes me to act the way I do and feel the way I feel?
Or is this just how I am...
Am I just misunderstood?

I don't know
But whatever it is, it's getting old.

Dream. Please come true...

I guess I'm learning contentment
or, at least I'm getting better at it.
Even though I'm missing out on a lot, I'm taken care of. I have all I need.
I'm were I'm supposed to be for now.
I don't know why, but that's okay
I don't know for sure what is next, but that's okay.

I had a dream last night, that I got engaged...
Hah, we were walking around HEB with my family, and he asked me? or whatever? but it wasn't all hillbilly red-neck style. I don't know, anyway...
I can remember thinking, "am I ready for this? Can I handle this? Am I mature enough for this?" Then looking at him, running into his arms, and just looking him in the eyes and being happy. Giddy, really. But I was so happy.
Then I just laid my head on his chest. Wow.

Yesterday I found this apartment. It is the most adorable one bedroom apartment I've seen in portland ever. And I could probably manage getting it, but I don't think I'm supposed to. I was mad when I realized this, because I just want to move my life forward so badly, but... I don't think I have to make the next move.
I think it's all just a matter of waiting for timing.
On my lunch break, I think I asked God to give me a dream to show me something, because of this apartment. I have dreams that happen sometimes, and so I wanted something to show me what to do, because I feel clueless.
I know when I went back to work, I stood there and told God if He wants me to get married, He better let me know about it. I want to meet the guy, and be his friend, and it just happen. I don't want awkwardness, I don't want questions... I just want it to flow...because if it doesn't, it could get messy considering I've never dated. So, He's gotta handle that.
And last night in my car, I told Him He had to do something...because where I'm at I can't even take care of myself the way I should. And I don't want t o get sick again. I want to be happy, and happy with myself.
So.
I guess we shall see...

I had this dream last night.
It was pretty vivid and I think it was one of those dreams that means something...especially because of how vivid it was.
It kinda scares me...
Because, I know a lot of changes are coming...
and, even though I am beyond happy for everyone, because this is everything they've been dreaming about... I'm scared.
I don't really like being alone.
Now, I don't know if I'll ever get married...but I'm afraid that everyone is finding their husbands, and I'm just the one they go to before when they're upset and unsure and all that stuff, and then it proves to be okay, and I'm just left here alone...
They say that won't happen, but some things are just inevitable...because, I mean, he'll be your husband, I'm not. And that's good. I don't want to be treated like I am. But still, it's a big change going from always hanging out to letting this guy in.
I guess I've just been screwed over so many times by that... I don't know.
But, maybe this is the year.
Maybe this really is the year of completion.
It's something I've waited my whole life for, but could it really be here? Finally?
I don't know

I think when I die, it'll be in the spring. Not sure why, I just love the spring. And, even though in my dream it was October, I think that's just because it was October when I had the dream.
I wish I would have another one. Some form of confirmation. Some form of knowledge more than I have now. But maybe I don't want that.

I've been pretty upset lately.
And I think the thing that upsets me the most is the fact that I can't fix it, and I don't know why I feel this way.
Sometimes when this happens, it's a predecessor for something I don't know with my mind yet, but my spirit does. I just don't know what to do with it.
I'm not perfect. At all.
Right now I don't feel like I have much point of existing
But, I know deep down there has to be a reason
That I won't be given more than I can handle, so I know some how I'll be okay...
I'm afraid of being alone, but I have to trust that I'll be okay.
There's just so much on my heart, and so much I don't understand.
There is also so much that I can't seem to find words for...
I'm at a loss.
I don't like this...
I don't like that this bothers me
I don't like that I can't fix it
I don't like that I don't really know what to expect
I don't like the fear in some possibilities that are in front of me
I don't like some of the inevitable daily things I face...
I don't like that I don't know what to do about it.

Jesus, You're all I have.
It's a good thing You're all I need...
Thank You.

end.

I suppose I've hit a wall.
I slept through three alarms today...I didn't wake up until Tina--my boss--called me. 15 minutes after I was supposed to be at work.
So, phone rings at 7:37am
Me: OH MY GOSH I slept through my alarms!
Tina: It's okay, just get dressed and get here as soon as you can
Me: I am sooo sorry! I'll be there soon
7:57am--I arrive at work (granted, I live about 18 minutes away)
I walk in
Tina: Are you okay? Do you need to go get breakfast or anything?
Me: No, I'm okay. Thanks, though.

She was more upset at the fact that our boss didn't show up on time and wasn't able to tell her I wasn't there until after when we were supposed to be open.

I never sleep in. Ever. I can't remember one time in my 21 years of existance.
Tina didn't say anything to Janice or Rena, we just kinda laughed about it. Like it was our secret.
I, of course, told Karen. She's great, and we had a good laugh about it.
Karen put in her two weeks notice...so as of the 26th, I'll be full-time.
Ah.
Not too sure how I feel about this...
I'm sure it will be easier once I get into the habit...but everything in me wants to cry.
I don't think there's a way for anyone to understand how I feel about this...but apparently it's affecting me more than I realize.
I'm trying to be positive about it.
This does mean that I can start saving. For a new car, then furniture, then move out.
Granted, this will take over a year to accomplish...
But, honestly, I'm scared.
I'm scared that this is all I'll come to be...a teller for the rest of my life.
There's so much more to me than this...
Maybe I just have to make this more than it appears
And, it makes me sad when I have to turn down doing so many things I've longed to do...
Like Snowboarding with Sara
Or camping with Betty and Shelen
Or going to the beach with everyone
even having any form of a spring break...
I'm supposed to be in college, enjoying myself while pretending to learn.
But, instead I have to be an adult already.
I had to give up the internship.
I felt it coming, no one believed me. It kinda makes me laugh now...

I guess I just didn't realize how run down I am...
Everyone keeps harping on me, comparing me to whatever situation their going through, telling me I don't know what tired is, and what not.
I've been trying to keep going...just keep going...one foot in front of the other.
Breathe in, breathe out.
but, I guess I'm at my limit.

I can't be everything to everyone...
I sacrifice so much...and I'm still not happy...
At the net last weekend, I sat there and cried and just asked God, "Why did I have to leave all this?"
I forgot what that love felt like...
I've missed it.
I miss it still.
It hurts knowing that last friday may have been the last time for me to see some of my friends...
This road is a hard one...
And everyone seems to be a critic...telling me how I should live, or how I should act, or what I should do.
It's rough.

Jesus, please hold my hand...

car ramblings.

"You take everything to heart"

I've been told this before....quite a few times, actually.
And it used to make me really upset...
It told me I wasn't tough
that I can't take things.
That I'm a wuss...
All these other simular things.
but, today, I actually thought about it.

Yes, I do take everything to heart.
I can't seem to help it, it's just what I do.
I don't want to be weak, I don't want to seem incapable
I don't want people to treat me any different or thing they have to act a certain way around me or whatever...I don't want to be babied for it...
but, it is what it is.

tonight, I realized...
i put my heart into everything.
I'm pretty passionate, and whatever I'm doing, it's usually with every bit of passion I have and to the best of my ability.

Bingo.
I take everything to heart, because I put my heart into everything.

So, my new camera is a beast.
I got to test it out at the Net last night
man, I missed it. no joke.
I felt...home...I felt like...like...I don't even know if I can explain it.
I'm in a room, surrounded with people that I love, and that love me, and realizing that love...feeling it... all while just soaking completely submerged in the presence of God.
Everything Sean Feucht spoke about was exactly what God's been speaking to me about...starting at the conference up until the day before.
It got me so excited.
I never wanted that night to end
and to think, one day, it won't.
:D

God is so cool!!!!

I got blessed today.
Like, ridiculously.
Went in for the internship, I haven't even met with the main guy, but Lily messaged me saying she got the okay to use me before I meet with him.
heck yes.
THEN
I go to church. And I get this text from person. after church, said person gives me this wad of cash, to buy a new camera. Jesus told person to, and I know this for a fact. Cause, person hears from God, and wouldn't just do this for the fan fare...it's so amazing. Like. It's enough to tithe, buy a freakin' awesome camera, and have money left over for my brother in law's car.
I cried. I flat out just cried. This means....more than I have words for.
God really does love me. He really does care about me.
Faith really works... it does.
I've never had anything like this happen to me. Ever. And, I am lost for words.
This is beyond amazing...
God is so indescribable.
:D
He loves me
He cares about me
He cares about my heart, and what concerns me
This is just, so awesome
He provides. He does
Even when it seems like it's impossible...it's right there
right around the corner
"and though it tarries, wait for it"
or whatever that says, I'm sure that's misspelled...
.oh well :)
Thank You, Jesus.
You are so good to me

recently.

Life has been pretty crazy here recently.
I'm not too sure what all I have blogged about.
my car got broken into, they stole my camera, I hit chad's car on accident, forgot margo at the church...what else?
Bunches of crazy stuff.
I have a photography internship that I start tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous, but I'm hoping I'll be fine after the first day. I've just never been there, and it's all completely new.
I also have jury duty. womp.

I've been feeling recently like my live is just caught in a whirlwind, and I have no say, and am completely lost, and just have to deal with it.
Like there's nothing secure, nothing certain, nothing tangible.
Like my heart is somewhere that I'm not physically... so I'm so discontent.

Today, I ambushed Betty. She was going through something, but I had no idea what. And she was just acting so different. And it just did not sit well with me. I emailed her, and before I read her response, I met up with her. I'm glad it happened that way, because her email said she wanted to just be alone to work everything out...
I'm glad I didn't read that first...
because...then I wouldn't have gone...

...and if nothing else, spending that hour with her made all the difference for me.
I feel like I have something tangible. Something sure...some sense of security...
I haven't felt this in a while.