Sometimes, I just want so desperately to feel God.

To have Him hold me
or comfort me
Let me know everything is gonna be okay
That all this is worth it

But, I know that this will happen in time
and this is where trust comes in.

Right now, I just want someone who knows my heart.
To just hold me.
Where I don't have to say a word
Because, honestly, I have no words.
But I don't think that people can understand any of this.

It's more complicated than human minds are capable of comprehending.

I need to find my laptop charger...

I wish

I could express everything on my heart.
And be understood.

But, I do believe that is impossible
And honestly, I don't know if it's what I really want anyway.

I wish

I could express everything on my heart.

And be understood.

But, I do believe that is impossible

And honestly, I don't know if it's what I really want anyway.

Telling dad was actually easier than telling mom.
He sees there are some pretty big risks
But, somehow understands.

Christmas was today
It was kind of a difficult thing
Winter does this to me...
But, thankfully, I have a great family
They can tolerate me and make me feel better

Today was a good day.

Energizer Bunny.

sigh.

Told mom.

"I think you're making a mistake"

I dread telling dad.

Peace.

The deed is practically done.

All I have to do now is wait for January 4th for the next step.
Well, that, and tell my parents.

I know that won't be an easy thing.
Why should it be so difficult?
I'm doing what I think is right for me
If I'm wrong, it's on my own head.

Sure, it's a risk, but if I don't take it, how will know if it's worth it?

So, I'm taking it.
Why?
Because it's my life.
I want to enjoy it while I have it
Instead of waiting around hoping for things to get better.

I'm making things better.
I deserve happiness.

In other news, I got Despicable Me today :)

Doors.

My mind is spilling all over itself.
So many things going on
So many emotions being felt
So many memories flooding my mind
Opportunities being presented
Some are easier to accept then others

I wish they were all easy.
That it was all just a matter of me getting over my fears and just taking a step
Doing what I want to do and not necessarily what other people say is best for me.

Maybe it is just that easy...
Maybe I've been the only one complicating things all along.
That Jesus is standing there telling me to just jump
and I'm the one that throws the wrench into everything
Then I try and find the explaination and where to point the blame.

I took a blind leap last Sunday.
I had wanted t be a part of my new church's Christmas drama they were putting on, but I had to be at a bonfire when they were doing the audition thingys.
On Sunday, they mentioned they needed some people for filler rolls.
Inside, I wanted to do it so badly
But inside, I was also battling so many fears and uncertainties.
My friend came up and told me I should do it, while another one challenged me. Something inside me said, "why don't you just do it?"
So I did.
I only knew the one person who was talking to me about it, but I did it.
So, I was standing there in my little filler roll, then I got pulled away to actually be a part with lines.
I had so much fun. It was one of the greatest things I've ever been a part of. I also met so many people in the church and am getting to know more, and now people know who I am...
I felt like I was part of an actual church family for the first time in I don't know how long.
Granted, I still felt a little out of place at some parts, probably mostly just because it was all new, and I didn't really know my boundaries and stuff
But, it was still so wonderful.

Winter has this affect on me.
It always seems significant.
It holds the most memories.
Sometimes it's difficult to get through...
But, this year feels different.
I want to get all I can in while I can
I want to take chances
I want to do things for me
things that make me happy.

Maybe I should just jump.