I found a note I had written myself at the end of 2011, to be read at the end of 2012.

Interesting to go back on.
It's sad and wonderful to see how much has changed.
What is still changing.
What I wish would change.

Should people's opinions matter?
loaded question, right?
Well, that's the crossroads where I'm currently standing.
Trying to balance the good of social media with the terrible.

I google searched a quote I had written in this stack of notes. I wanted to figure out who said it or if it was song lyrics or who I could give the credit to if I posted it. The first search result that popped up was a suicide hotline.

huh.
guess I'm depressed.

It grieves me, but I really think there are certain people I just need to glean out of my life.
I know they'll be offended or whatever, but it's not doing me any good...
And if all you're doing is bringing me down, then I can't handle that.
If you don't like it, ask me about it.

It's having a negative effect on my life as a whole--my job, my health, my socializing (or lack there of.)

I need to reevaluate.

Warning: semi-rant.

When did we get so serious?

People, social media is simply the highlight reel of someone's life.
You don't get all the behind-the-scenes.

You don't get the full conversations behind the comments
You don't get the struggle for that perfect picture
You lose the intentions behind what actually makes it to be posted.

People take social media so seriously...
And in some cases, social media is wonderful.
You can keep up with friends you wouldn't normally be able to update
You can reconnect with people you grew up with
You can find people you relate to (or even just make friends with name twins)
You can use it to encourage
You can use it to express yourself.

But somewhere in here, people find it necessary to insert their opinions.
Sometimes, this is okay.
Sometimes, it's uncalled for.

And sometimes, it leads to certain account holders feeling like worthless dirt, questioning why they even leave those friendships open at all if they have to be so crazy careful about anything they type, even if their intentions were good and the other party isn't known to proof read their real life conversations, let alone online. Sometimes it can shoot self-esteem through the floor. Sometimes it makes you wish you could take everything back and erase it, even if it's not your fault that it blew up to such epic proportions. Because, after all, you were just expressing yourself.
Right?

I don't know how some people seem to skirt all of this.
How some can be allowed to post their thoughts and no one will question them or debate with them about it.
Whereas for others, the slightest key stroke can evoke unexpected error and chaos and lead to guilt, regret, and just plain pain. How some can be made to feel like they were crap (mind you, in an instant where this person had no ill intention and wasn't pointedly hurtful.) for a simple post with backlash that cuts deep, yet those ones who are doing the cutting and guilt sentencing are left feeling justified?
Sure, their intentions may have been harmless, but I think there is something to be said for someone if those cutting remarks are common occurrences.

Yes, This post is made out of hurt feelings.
Guilty.
Sure, maybe I shouldn't have typed that comment all this spurred from.
But in my defense, when I made the comment, I didn't think it would cause any pain or anything like that. It was meant to be funny, it was meant for the person whose status I commented on. It wasn't meant for everyone else's opinions and judgments.
And the fact that someone who doesn't even talk to me anymore texts me about it--that really made me feel like dirt.
I could go on about my opinions and how it hurt me, but honestly, what good will it do? None.

I just wish I knew how to handle this situation. How to think, how to feel, what opinion to hold.
For the main party involved, it's fine. I confronted her and asked what she thought and even apologized. As for everything else, maybe things are still just too sensitive.

I wish I was allowed to give in to my introversion and cut off from the world this week.

It's been rough as it is, this wasn't really what I needed to be added on to it.

But, it's life.
You take it as it comes and play the cards you're dealt.

Sometimes I have tons to say,
But just don't feel like I have it in me to put forth the effort to get it all down on paper.

Some days I feel so inclined to write, but can't find the words.

If only these two could blend together...

Not gonna lie, I've been really stressed out lately.
It's almost been a month since my surgery, and I still can't eat anything without repercussion.
Most times I can just ignore the emotional toll this takes, but there are times when it's more difficult.
Not being able to do lunch with my mom because I can't eat anything where she wants to go. Or, I can go with her, eat something, and feel really sick later. Do I show weakness? Or do I play it off and just feel the pain on what's already a long day at work?
I'm having issues with my feet and knees in dance. Part of it is the fear of hurting again, which happens with my stomach. I don't want to do anything that's caused pain before unless I know it's safe. But how will I know if I don't try? But what if I try and it's not safe? That sucks. I feel like I'm falling behind.
Then I'm having to learn so much at work right now, moreso in preparation for one co worker having to leave town for a week. She's the only one who knows fluidly the complicated facets of what we do and I have to be the one--after 3 weeks of being here--to be able to handle all the legal things with this particular job.
No pressure.
I just honestly don't know how much I can handle before I truly break.
And it's not that it's bad. Because it's not. It's just difficult.
I'm exhausted as it is...