"I've never been in love before."

Sometimes I do this thing where I have conversations with people in my head.
I'll imagine questions they could potentially ask me, my response to those questions, and their reactions.
Today's episode of Dramatics That Only Happen In My Head included my co workers potential questions in my choice in music.

I turned up the volume on a song and said, "Man, I love this song."

(Reality)

I then listened carefully to the words and took extra thought to what may be ones perception of me if they knew that I felt passionate about this particular song.
What would they learn about me?
What would they assume?

(Conceptual)

"You love this song?"
"I do"
"What do you know about being in love?"
"I don't, I've never been in love before."

Then I stopped.

It's crazy for most people to grasp the concept that I am twenty-five years old and have never been in love.
I've never been on a date,
Never been kissed,
Never held hands,
Nothing.

Sure, I've had "crushes," but nothing I ever obsessed over.
I've had all of 4 guys ever have the balls to actually ask me out, none of which I found worth my time.

(allow me to clarify, since I've been told this makes me sound rude and a sure-fire way to kill a guys ego.)
I've been harassed and stuff since I was young, making me leery of the opposite sex. But even before that, I knew that being in a relationship with someone was not something to be taken lightly. I somehow grasped the concept that if you give a little piece of yourself to someone, you're never truly whole again, so you want to wait until you find someone worthy of giving your entire self to, and you receiving theirs in return. While these men were nice guys and good friends, they weren't guys I could see myself compatible with. Fun to hang out with, sure, but not ones that enjoyed the same things I did or even had the same views as me. Sometimes it was simply a different maturity level, and I didn't want to connect myself to someone that I wouldn't feel good being around. That was important to me; I wanted to spend my time with people who made me enjoy life, not ones who were kiss ups or depressed without interest in coming out of it. (I also figured having two people prone to depression wouldn't be a good thing. You'd never get out of it, or if you did it'd be an even worse struggle than normal. NO THANKS.) Some people have told me that I'm selfish, or too picky. That I'll never fall in love because I keep myself too guarded. Well, they're full of crap. I'm just not dulling down what I have to offer. If he's out there and if he's worth having me, then he'll be worth far more than anything I've had to turn down or leave behind. There isn't much worse than to be given something so perfect, and know that you settled and all you have left to offer is brokenness. That's not fair. I want to be the best woman I can be. And I don't want there to be anyone out in the audience on my wedding day who can say, "I kissed her" or "I dated her" or "I slept with her" or whatever.

[EDIT]
Also, just because you have two good people doesn't mean their good for each other. Some of these guys I know will make wonderful husbands/fathers/companions/whatever, but just not for me. And that's okay. [END EDIT]

If he never finds me, if he settled and takes some different path and then I'm alone for my whole life, so be it. All or nothing. I'm not worried about it. I only think about it because I'm semi-forced to, but I won't write about that here because sometimes it's just not worth trying to explain something that people are going to run through the dirt and twist. That's what my journal is for.


But you know what?
I've been in love.
Maybe not in a way that most people imagine when you use those words,
Maybe not in a romantic way
But there are so many different types of love out there, and I intend to experience and share them all.

I've known the love of a family that I never have to worry about not being there. One that takes me as I am, even if they don't understand the different person that I am. One that is always willing to drop everything to help me, and use me as the butt of their jokes. (That's a sign of affection I cherish.)

I've known the love of friends who aren't going anywhere. Ones that aren't just here out of curiosity or because they see I'm different or because I'm nice and they want to use that. (fun fact, I ain't got time for none of that nonsense, so don't get your panties in a wad.)

I've known the love of a loyal pet that leaves me alone when I need to be, but is right there when I just don't need to be by myself.

I've known the love of nature; sitting in awe of the beauty that is around you and being overwhelmed with the feeling that it knows you appreciate it, and it in turn appreciates you.

I've known the love brought out of pain; when it seems like all the crap you've had dealt on you was for nothing, until you find someone in the same situation, and their sitting there with tears in their eyes saying, "I've never known anyone else who was like this. You give me hope."

I've known the love encapsulated in tears, whether for the loss of something/one you held so dear, or gratitude for one thing or another. This one is hard to explain. If you've known it too, then you get it.

I've known the love of a mentor, whether it was their job or not. They used their life to show me how to live mine. To show me it's possible. To believe in me when I felt like it was all pointless. To never give up on me, even long after I had given up on myself.

I've known the love of strangers; from someone handing me two roses in Rome, wanting nothing in return, to holding the door open for me, to staying with me until the cops came because it was 10:30 at night, my car was totaled, and I was scared. This love brings tears to my eyes, still.

I've known the love that spurns out of the deep kindness in ones heart. From random flowers on valentine's day, to a rose gold ring, to little elephants just to see me smile and so many other things. These are the things I think back on when the world looks so dark and ugly and cold that I could easily grow to hate it; they remind me that there is still beauty, even in the ugliest of times.

I've known the love of a teacher; who gave/gives selflessly of anything they possess to see me
succeed, typically with life lessons intertwined--these are some of the greatest gifts anyone could ever give me.

I've known the love of a Savior; Who, no matter what, doesn't give up on me. Who gave me a dream and helps me pursue it, and keeps reminding me of it all.

I know the love of being wanted; and while there are still some aspects of this I have yet to experience, there are beautiful parts that I have and cherish.


I've been in love; in love with these moments.
There are people out there who have been in love in the way most people think when those words are used who have never experienced the kind of love I have.
I lack nothing.

This doesn't mean my life is rainbows and sunshine. This doesn't mean I haven't known abuse and neglect and pain and suffering and fear and insecurity. This doesn't mean that I have my life together and all the answers and yippe-skippy. It means that I have experienced such depths of pain, that I have been in such darkness that I can appreciate the light in ways most people never get the opportunity. There's a depth to me that can only come out of having been thrown into pits and having to find a way out. A depth that comes from fighting, from surviving, from deciding that you're not going to let what happens to you dictate your outcome.

I've known love.
I've been in love.
And if I get to experience another facet of this beautiful thing, then I will welcome it with open arms.
If not, or until then, I shall welcome all these other areas I get to experience while they're mine.
And if there's a time when these are nowhere to be found, I will remember all the times I have had them and I will smile. Because having breath in my lungs and life in my body is a beautiful thing; it is love.