Being sick sucks, and I don't think most people understand this.
I'm sure there are tons of things I don't understand, even some forms of sickness I don't understand, but this is really starting to take it's toll on me.
I can hardly function, at least fully. It makes me feel lazy, it makes me feel lethargic. It makes me want to stay away from other people who don't understand it.
But when it comes down to it, I'm not intentionally lazy, I just don't have the strength or energy to do the things I normally would be able to do.
This has been going on for so long, I'm beginning to forget what normal is like. It's starting to seem like this is the new normal, that I just have to accept it. That I have to adapt. That there's nothing that can be done about it.
So many times in life, that has been the case. Bad things happen, and I'm required to adjust.
I was looking through some pictures, and I came across ones from January. That's when I was the happiest with my size--since I've gotten over the eating disorder, and really purged my mind of all the thoughts that went with it. I was so happy because I was finally there.
Now what?
Do I just have to accept the fact that I'm the size I am? Do I have to just adjust to this added 25 pounds?
The added cellulite I see in the mirror, the extra rolls that have popped up everywhere, the fact that none of my clothes fit me correctly, the added arm fat. All these things that screamed at me before, and I overcame that. I adjusted to what a healthy size is for me. I was active. I was eating right. Then all of a sudden, weight comes on out of no where. And then nothing works to get it off. And now I fell so sick all the time that I can't find the energy to do anything extra, especially since just doing what is required is hard enough. If I let myself stop and think about what I really feel, it's enough to bring me to tears--it's so overwhelming. Not to mention when people try and tell me that I'm sick because I don't have enough faith. Seriously? I'm fighting every single day, and the best you have is that I need to pray more or believe harder? Excuse me, but you have no right to tell me that my spiritual life isn't enough. My fruit shows that it is. I don't know why God chooses not to heal me, but that's not my place. I told Him He could have me to do as He wills. Maybe there's someone that needs to be reached down the line and I just haven't gotten there yet. If it's for one person, then it's worth it.
I don't understand everything, I just do my best to make it through it.
It's difficult, I won't lie. I wish it were over, I wish I could make sense of it all, I wish that I could be guaranteed that things won't always be like this, but I'm not. I can't. It's not.
All I can do is go forward hopeful.

Please, God. Let this surgery be beneficial. Please let me get back to where I was. Help me be able to do the things I need to to get the results I need. Please help this new job help me take better care of myself. Please take all of the excess crap out, prune it from my life. I'm tired of it always pulling me back. Help me to stay strong through all of this, and when I'm weak, please be the strength I lack.