No one is dead who still lives on in our memory.

What to do with all these maybe's

Maybe everything isn't meant for me to figure out.
Maybe I should just stop thinking about things so much.
Well, I'm sure I should just stop thinking about things so much...
But I'm so unsure of what to do with myself...

I've noticed I've been trying to keep busy so much...
I used to just be so content--well, as content as possible--with just being by myself, in my room or whatever. Thinking, painting, journaling, drawing...whatever I felt like.
Go through life, and do those things...
Now, it seems like, I almost can't
I mean, I know I can...
but, if all I do is go to work, and come home, it seems like such a burden.

I want something sure...something I can count on, something I know won't change...
I mean, yes, I have Jesus. I am SO beyond grateful. I just don't know how to balance spiritual and physical. I want Jesus, He's all I want, but I have to function in the real world too, ya know?
I have to see people, I have to live, I have to work, I have to face things, I have to do all of this

So I find myself in this rut.
Not knowing what to do, think, feel, how to act or react...
Just going to work and coming home seems so discouraging to me.
And I mean, I know my life is something, but at the same time, I feel like I'm just a disappointment
I know, I know, I'm not... but I feel like I just can't be everything to everyone
Not even that, but that maybe I'm not enough.

I don't know
I probably just think too much
but if I don't think, then what am I supposed to do?
Well, thinking isn't getting me anywhere...
...but it does fill my time...
And it's not destructive...per se...

bah. I don't know.
I'm pretty sure everything will work out to be just fine in the end.
I would just like a bit of security.
Something tangible
Something I could hold on to...

Maybe one day...

really.

What is my life.
Really.
I mean, here I am
going through every day...
seemingly similar motions, with a few bumps to face.

But, why?

What is the point?
What long term goal do I have?

What if everything in front of me, everything familiar was stripped away.
What if everyone turned their backs on me, and I was left completely alone to start over...
What then?

Well, I supposed I would be okay.
This life isn't about me anyway.
Things and people are nice and all, but, really.

I may not know where my life is going, I may be relying completely on blind trust (faith)
but, maybe that's what I'm supposed to be doing...
I mean, how many people do I encounter daily...
umm...a lot.
If I can affect their day for the better, then my day was successful.

I may not see the long term effects, or any effect at all, really, but I don't know what it meant to them.

It may be seen one minute, forgotten the next, but in that initial moment, it held worth.
It helped that person get through that moment.
And that is worth it.

Maybe this is the inclination that I should be paying better attention...
It seems as though anytime something is bothering me, I'm missing signals to pray for other big things...
...you see...
Every time something big has happened--since shortly after Columbine--I've had a feeling preluding it.
For Example, my friend I hadn't seen in 2 years' suicide, London bombings (actually called that one), Virginia Tech shootings, Amish community shootings, etc.
I've written about it in my journals, or sometimes I would verbally say "I have a feeling something is about to happen..." Then the next day we'd see it on the news.

Well, the Haiti Earthquake happened.
And I got to thinking...
"Man, I don't think I called this one like I usually do...what's wrong with me? What am I not doing that I need to be? Am I not praying enough?" and so on...
Last night I was looking through some files on my computer, and one of them was "Journal notes"
It's what I do when I haven't had time to journal in a while so I don't forget what has happened, and it holds significance.
Well, one of them said "Pastor Tommy/Haiti"

I stopped in my tracks...
...when was this written?
12.29.09
a few weeks before the earthquake.
Okay, so was that my inclination?
was my brain so loud that it wouldn't shut up enough for God to tell me to pray for this, so He sent it in a dream?
A lot was going on during that time...
And I did notice that as soon as it fixed, Haiti happened.
And I hadn't been dreaming recently before that, then all of a sudden I was having dreams, and remembering them, and they were all significant.

Then, I realized all of this last night...
And started feeling it again.
Prayed slightly, but probably not as much as I could of...
I thought it was just because I had heard from my Haitian friend Colbert, and he said that both his brothers had died...and my heart hurt for him...
Then I wake up to find there was another substantial tremor that hit Haiti---6.1 magnitude.

Why don't I pay more attention to these things?

Maybe this is what the scripture meant by praying on all occasions, with all types of prayer, and praying in the spirit when you don't know what to pray...

Maybe.

Maybe I feel there's not enough time to do all that needs to be done...
Maybe there aren't enough willing people...
Maybe there aren't enough words to express everything that needs to be
Maybe people won't ever see the value of it all...
Maybe it'll all be overlooked...
Maybe it's all for "nothing"

...
That "nothing" is worth it to me.
Even if it was for "nothing", I'll submit willingly.

I really miss my friends, for some reason...
the ones that went home without me
maybe it's all just now hitting me
I'm not sure...
Maybe everything I've made up in my head to make myself cope with life is a lie.
I have no idea what is fact and what may be fiction.
But, I do no this.
I keep going.

My heart is heavy...
It feels almost as if something is missing...
I don't even know how to express it.
I pray, but am at such a loss for words.
Nothing happened really to make me feel this way
But I can't seem to shake it

I want to cry, but I don't know what for...
So, I lay here...
curled up in a ball...
holding tight to my bear, my bunny, and God's promise...

My heart is so full, so heavy
And yet, no one can see it.
Not one person knows me fully.
And, I guess that's okay.

Maybe I'm just coming to newer realizations...
...that things won't be as I had made them up in my head to be.
And now I must start over.

heck, I don't know.
Jesus, please hold my heart...

Because.

This is my blog. And I feel. And no one freakin' reads it anyway, so I'm going to type out a bit of what's causing these tears to blur my vision and wet my face.

If you don't care, don't read.
I could care less if anyone knows. I just need to release it somehow
Healthy release is still new to me.

I'm hurt. Honestly and truly, I'm hurt.
And I'm confused. I absolutely have no idea what to do about everything.
I've been hurt. And I guess I've been carrying around this hurt since high school and trying to ignore it because none of my attempts to fix it or mend relations ever had any form of success rate before. Time has taught me how to ignore, and push aside false hopes, and just do whatever I need to get on to the next day.
I didn't ask for any of this. And people can tell me all they want, "at least you have a good family" "at least you're not abused" "at least you're taken care of"
at least, at least, at freakin' least.
I am grateful for my family. I am. They are great. They are.
But there are just some things that I sit back and think...
...really?
What did you expect?
When I was going through hell, I went through it without you.
You knew what was going on from violating my privacy, and did nothing about it.
It happened. You can't change the past. But still, nothing was done to try and prevent it
and I always say I'm grateful for that, but I wonder what better things might have been done if something would have been said or addressed. And if it would have just made me feel like crap, well then I guess I'm just a sucky daughter that complicates everyone's lives.
Maybe I messed everything up.
I went away, and I learned who I was.
Who God really was to me
Yes, I knew Him growing up, but I was never this close to Him. I didn't flow with Him, I didn't realize how much He really loves me, and how big His plans are for me, and just, how vast He really is-- I'll never know, but I never knew there was anything to explore. I thought I knew it all... I thought I had experienced all of God there was.
My mind was opened, and I never want it shut. Ever.
So, I have two successful years of growing into myself. I was forced to address those situations that I tried covering, but got discovered, and no one did anything about.
Someone believed in me. That I was better than those things I was convinced was all I could amount to. No one at home helped me, no one reached out when I was screaming for help--and I was disguising it cleverly--but they knew, and sat back and did nothing while I walked through hell alone.
I learned to depend on myself. God and myself. God and myself and the occasional friend.
Most of these occasional friends ended up screwing me over, but I learned to live life without that being a surprise. If they screwed me over, then that was that. I could live without them. My life doesn't revolve around them anyway. Move on.
It's what I had to do.
Then, I have to come back home...
I'm not who I was when I left...and I come to find out, neither are they...
The family grew back together without me. It's like I was a stranger in my own home. They kept things from me--important things, like "hey, we might lose our house" or "hey, dad may go to jail" or "hey, they may reposes your car" I might need to know that, right? Then they'd get mad at me when I'd do something like answer the phone or door. I'm sorry, I didn't know we were being stalked by the government...no one told me I have to watch our back like a freakin' spy just to get into my house and not speak to anyone I didn't know who may be there.
I've been gone for two years. I don't know ANYONE.
They say they don't want to hurt me, which...okay, yeah. great, thanks.
I'm not going to freakin' saw my arm off. And if they knew me, they'd know I prefer to know situations so I can have my moment of shock and a mini-freak-out or whatever, but then be okay with it and get prepared. Or did they even think I may know someone who could help us? Goodness...
Okay, so all that happened. great. I'm home now, and whatever.
Well, over those few years I aquired some health problems. I didn't say anything for a while, because my mom freaked out. and then would watch me like I was some mental case, and pry and ask me all sorts of questions...which made me angry because I dealt with that stupid eating disorder and we never talked about it. So, it was just so awkward.
I came home, and felt completely out of place.
I had no one.
I mean, sure, there were always people. But, who knew me? The real me.
I had to start over from scratch.
I got threw. Not in a mentally healthy way. I went back to the old ways I left here.
It's all I knew.
Then, I realized I had to stop. I couldn't go on like this.
so, I moved away. to Delaware. But it wasn't just on a limb, I know I was assigned there. It was a missions trip. Jesus told me that. And He told me I didn't owe anyone an explaination.
So, I move. and, it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Every single element about me is tested.
I cried. a lot. sure, I may have made a mistake, but that's freakin' life. I can't dwell on that. Just learn from it.
So then, I came home...didn't really have a choice. I mean, it was my choice...but it was pretty much the only option.
and freakin' hard to follow through with...
think about it.
I had finally left everything that was so hard. and it was at such a detramental point of life.
And now I had to go right back.
And hear everyone critisize.
my dad still thinks it was a mistake...he must not understand...
So I move home. And have to start all over.
Again.
And I'm starting to get a handle on things
I started going to the Net, and I had my place. It was mine. I had friends, people who loved me, and even if I felt pretty alone in the crowd, it was mine.
Then, my mom said, "why do you love your friends more than us?"
Guilt Freakin' Trip.
Then, I got so busy I had to give it all up anyway...the only thing that was mine to have. Where I could be myself and be secure in that.
then we get these awesome new friends. The only thing is their friends with my sister too... I've never had that, not since we were kids, and it was never successful. She was always dominering, always over-powering me. Always getting mad cause I would "steal her friends" because she was freakin bossy. when my sister said some demand, I never had a choice in the matter. It's still that way. I got in so much more trouble than she ever did, I had my parents, and her. all correcting me.
So, I take a crack at it.
Well, turns out, I'm having a hard time. She's trying to take control of the friendships when we're all together.
It was fine with four of us, because when alicia wanted all of Margo's attention, I had Tif. And we would laugh about...anything really. And so I was fine.
Then this big fight happens
and when we all make up, Alicia admits that she feels left out.
So, now, any time I had alone, it gets filled with her being there.
I freakin' live with her. Therefore this makes me be around her almost 24/7. It seems I can't get away, so anytime I'm having a hard time handling things with her, welp. Tough. I don't have any time to handle it.
Okay, I just figured out how to be okay with living at home in December. right before this fight. Right before Christmas. I'm just now able to tell my mom I love her and hug her, and even give her a kiss without cringing and feeling hurt. and now it seems that I'm having this taken away.
So, I try to just get over it... it won't be so bad, right?
Tif moves away...
welp. There goes my relief... 15+ hours away.
So, the three of us hang out...
suuuuure enough, it deverts back to "Little sister" mode. Alicia takes over, and I just sit quiet in the back. What else can I do? I try speaking and I get talked over, and even if I say anything, she doesn't understand it. She doesn't try to. So. Why speak?
Then I feel like crap. Like I'm not being good company, but I don't want to fight all this. And I'm getting teased on top of it all, and just torn down so much. And it's things that really hurt. Those words and jokes that fueled everything before. And it hasn't even been a year since I had given it all up.
So I'm upset.
I finally get the courage to talk to my mom...
To my surprise, it actually went well. She listened, seemed to understand, and told me alicia felt jealous of me...by the end of the conversation I had just a better understanding that I was just able to go into the situation better and handle it easier. I went out of town, came back. All hunky dory. We all went to San Marcos. Great. Super fun. No problems....except that I find out that I think my parents have lied to me about how my grandma really died and if my uncle is really my grandpa's kid... I was peeved. but whatever. I should be used to the fact that I'm never told anything.
well, then, I get this email from my sister explaining how she feels....
crap.
What the hell do I do with this?
She's talking about how she's jealous, and how she doesn't understand how we can't be sisters and friends and how she feels like I love my friends more than my family, and how she doesn't want all this doing whatever whatever blah blah blah.
Okay. Great. get everything off your chest....
So, I reply with my side. Trying to explain. But, that's hard.
There are substantial things she doesn't know, and can't know. She's family. That's just how it is. She couldn't handle it. And I've actually already told her, and she didn't believe me. And any time I try talking to her on more than a sister level or whatever, I regret it, because she doesn't listen or doesn't understand, or just shoots off some whatever whatever and I get frustrated.
She has this way of speaking that frustrates. It's loud and forceful. Some of the youth have mentioned it too.
And I've had a hard time because there are things that she never did or would do before, then all of a sudden when Tif and Margo are in the picture, she's all game. It came off as fake to me, and upset me. Like maybe I wasn't good enough? Like, the Net for example. she would never go with me. She was very clear on her views of it. Then when they come, she's all for it? What the hell is that? There are other things I don't remember, but I'm sure they're journaled. Maybe not. I don't know.
So, I'm having a hard time, because there's somethings that seem fake.
Okay.
Now, she's singing again at church.
She hasn't in a loooooong time, and I mean, I understand we have a new praise and worship leader now, and that has a big play in her coming back, but she never really was this into the church before. Never into the youth before they came and they were. Hell, maybe I'm just critical...
This is all probably my fault anyway.
It always seems to be.
After I had to give up the net, the church was all I had. It was the last thing that was mine. And I know it's not all mine, but it was where I could safely go and just be... I could worship and things would be fine. I mean, yeah, I worship in my room sometimes, but there's something about that alter...

So, now I feel like I don't even have freedom at church. Because she sent that email and expressed her feelings. she wants to be all close, just like that. I don't want her to know anything is wrong, because I don't want to tell her. She doesn't get it. She doesn't listen.
So, she's on stage, she watches me. I have to hear her voice, which is still a little painful from before. And what's worse, I do sound, so I have to detail listen...
So, I don't want her to see there's anything wrong, because I don't want her to feel left out that I don't want to tell her.
Then, mom says I shouldn't talk about Margo when I'm with her cause it makes her feel left out. And that I shouldn't talk about her to Margo.
Okay...well...then... Can Margo even be my friend?
If I can't talk about her, and I can't talk to her...why don't I just give her to alicia all together and say, "here, you win. Thanks a lot."
Margo means the world to me, and I know she could see something was bothering me today, but I couldn't tell her, cause Alicia was with us. And I felt terrible because I know I was crappy company, especially when all the picking on came up, and I just had nothing left in me to fight it off with.
And I don't want to be selfish and maker her choose or anything. That's not fair at all. And I don't want to take away alicia's friend
but where does this come in for me?
Am I just that sucky and dealing with this?
Do I really suck that bad??

I feel like I lose.
What is the point?
Where the heck is my life going?
I lose no matter what...
I can't even have friends now? really?
And I have to make sure I don't offend anyone...because their feelings are hurt.
Honestly, they don't want to know everything.
I'm so honored to have the calling I do, but it can be such a burden.
They don't understand that. Of course, they don't know...
but they can't know...it would hurt them, and they wouldn't understand, and they'd freak out...
...so, here I am
back to square one.
With everything that caused all those things I went through and had to learn to overcome time and time again
but this time, I don't have those excuses to run to.
This time I have to be stong.
...
I don't know how to be invincible.
And I feel so bad for Margo cause she's in the middle of it.

Gosh, I feel like crap.
What the hell did I do wrong anyway?
How do I fix this?
It has to be my fault... what else could it be?
But I can't fix it...

Jesus...help.
I feel like crap for feeling this, but really, what am I supposed to do?

I found an old CD...

It's from the first time I went to Aquire the Fire.
I forgot how much I love this CD.
It's called Live the Difference.
All the songs on it are extremely anointed, but my favorite has to be the title track

I woke up singing, and...gosh, I just absolutely love it.

I'm getting so stirred up recently.
This is my generation.
I have to fight for it.
There aren't as many out there willing to fight. So many are just falling through the cracks.
Those of us willing have to band together and fight the battle for them.
We can make a difference...
we can live the difference.

You can "preach" to them until you're blue in the face, and although that will attract some of those people you interact with, a lot of people will blow you off...
But if you live what you believe, it's the proof they need to believe.
It's tangible for them.

When people that cross my path walk into church
I don't want them to think...
"She goes to church? hmm... never would have thought that..."
I want them to say
"She goes to church here? That makes sense."

I guess my heart and my spirit are just seeping
There is so much to be done
We can go so many places
Jesus is so amazing!!
Why wouldn't anyone want to know Him?

I guess they just haven't had good representations...
I want to be a good representation.

I'm starting to gain courage...

Maybe this comes with age?
I'm not sure...
But I'm finding myself more able to take risks, and do things that literally scare the crap out of me.

I really wish that whatever this is I'm on the brink of would hurry up and happen...
I'm trying not to let myself get worked up about how I'm not happy at my job.
But, really, what else do I have?
It's just difficult when they aren't fair to me.
And that they don't give me all of the hours I'm supposed to have, especially since they are so few.
I don't know what to do about it, so I try not to worry.

umm... yeah, not too sure what else.
maybe I was wrong about the beginning of January?
Maybe it's not what I had it worked up in my head to be?
Maybe...
I don't know...
But, really, what can I do about it now?

2010

The year of completion.

How complete?
I'm not too sure.
But, I'm excited. :)

Sat down and had a pretty deep talk with my mom the other day...well, a pretty emotional one at least. Ran everything by her and expressed how upset I was and how I didn't understand it and didn't know how to fix it.
To my surprise, she understood.

Today was a pretty great day.
I think I was able to handle things quite well
I didn't get all worked up or anything.
Now I'm just trying to keep myself this level.
Usually it's the day after that my brain starts freakin' out.

I'll be okay, just don't need to think.

Now, the next thing I really need is a new job. Some way for it to be flexible.
I need off the second week of February, but I am absolutely TERRIFIED to ask off. I mean, in the car talking about it, I had all the confidence in the world. Then I mentally placed myself in my boss' office, and I was freaking out a pretty good deal.

I don't know what to do about this.
I don't know how to handle it.
I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here.
But, Jesus, I need something.
I know You won't leave me hanging, but I need some light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel to focus on... I don't want to set sight on what's beside me...

I'm clueless as to what tomorrow holds.
I'm clueless as to where life is going.
And I'm okay with that.
Cause I trust.