Where we gonna go from here?

I'm in the place I remember as feeling safe.
And safe it is, I know it's not where I belong.
And the place I return to, I don't belong there either.
Nothing feels completely safe.
Safety is in the thing I don't yet know.
In that place.
My heart knows it. My soul knows it. My spirit knows it.
My reality doesn't.
So, where do I go from here?
It seems I'm at a dead end
At least for my abilities.
And I keep stepping, in the faith that something will appear soon.
So far, no breakthrough.
I'm trying not to think too much about it
Not talk about it.
But, I can't escape it entirely.
I want so badly to take control. To do something for the sake of doing
But--deep down--I know better.

So I'll try to sleep
And hope my dreams give me some sort of relief.

dang, self.

Just randomly stumbled upon one of my old posts.
It was from march of 2011.

About change. And God. And life. And how we can trust.
A beautiful analogy, really.

So here I am, in April of 2013.
Reading this post like I've never seen it before in my life.
Learning from it.
Being encouraged by it.

Then, I realize.
I wrote it.
Why can't I remember all these things when I need them?

I guess that's the beauty of writing.
Writing down these life lesson tid-bits when they seem simple
So they'll be there when you need them down the road.
Investing now to help yourself later.

Kinda cool, if you think about it.

I feel like I'm suffocating.

And I don't know what to do about it. 

I don't even want to make this post. Because I don't want certain people to read it. And get all concerned. There's nothing to be concerned about.

I just don't understand where I am and why.
Why I can't just be alone. Why won't people leave me alone?
People are starting to get too personal, and it's making me feel like I'm going to implode.

I just want people to leave me alone, is that too much to ask?
I'm not saying I want to be alone. No, there's a difference.
I want to be left alone.
There are people who you can be with, who don't ask the personal questions. Who can just live and enjoy that life with you. Nothing deep.
I don't want deep right now.
Not from most people.
I want to be left alone.

Myspace.

Every year around this time, I find myself in a funny place.
It hasn't been so bad the last couple of years, but this year hit hard.

Going through old myspace messages, I stumbled upon this.

" you just have to KNOW that HE writes your life .... not you."

Dang, Space. You hit the nail on the head.

One thing I really love about this friend.
I've known her for a while. We can go months and months without talking.
I need something? I can call.
I need prayer? I can text her.
I need advice? Holla atcha girl.
I need blunt honest truth? She's my first thought.

That's what I've always valued about her.
She tells me the truth, even when it isn't what I want to hear.
Forget feelings.
She loves me enough to not let those stop her.

She inspires me everyday.
And I'm super grateful to have her in my life.