I don't even know how to begin to find words to form to say everything on my heart.
It's far too much.
I have found myself in a new place. One that I have a hard time explaining, mainly because it takes too many words to do so which most people wouldn't want to sit through, but also it takes no words at all.
It's as if a light switched that was off has been flipped on.
Simply put: I am new.
Not that the old me was bad, but it's nothing like the new.
There were things I needed to shed. Ideas I needed to lose, fears I needed to silence, truths I needed to believe.
But you see, I couldn't do this on my own.
I went to Idaho this last week to take pictures of a dear friend of mine's wedding.
Going in to the trip I found myself very nervous...
I was fearful because even though I loved my friends deeply, I wasn't sure if things would be awkward. We have always been friends, but not as close as one would hope. Time and distance does this, which is understandable. It wasn't bad, but I thought of it as not the best. I don't know how to explain this, and it's not important anyway.
I got there and noticed myself reacting differently than I expected. Differently than I normally would in this situation. Maybe it was the fact that I had just taken 3 strangers in on the great adventure to even get to Idaho and made 3 new friends I'll probably never see again. Beats me.
Even as I proceeded to meet The Roommates. These are the girls I knew are dear friends of Ambrelle's. My roommate always talked so highly of them, so I automatically felt comfortable with them. I usually am really quiet and awkward in super new situations like this. This time, I was the "awkward extrovert" where I talk more than anyone cares to listen to.
But I didn't care.
That was new to me.
I didn't care what was thought of me.
Not over analytically, like usual.
I wasn't evaluating every persons every move and motive to process and assume their opinion of me.
And I'm so glad I wasn't. That's exhausting.
It helped that a friend of mine said, "You know you're loved? And you're wanted here?"
She later challenged me without even realizing it with, "why don't you just be yourself?"
Who am I, anyway?
What defines me?
These girls showed me something I never realized I was missing.
Hearing them pray in tongues over Ambrelle left me amazed.
I missed that.
I longed for it, without even realizing.
This left me stuck. but not a bad stuck.
Just in a place of reevaluation.
Where is my life? What do I value most? Who is most important to me? What does this say about who I am?
Needless to say, there was a shift.
I am new.
I didn't come back the same way I left.
I realized I had been in a drought of sorts. Being in the company of those girls helped me see this. That my life holds more potential than I'm letting it do. That I need to change in order to grow.
I was a little nervous to address my best friend about this.
You see, the last time something like this happened, best friend at the time didn't understand and things blew up. It was a very difficult time and took a lot to heal from that. I didn't want to have to go through it again.
But it's as if I felt the Lord asking me, "If I asked you to give up Ashley, would you?"
well... would I?
If that's what stood between God and I, would I give her up?
Now this wasn't as hard of a decision as Abraham offering up Issac on the altar, but it held the same significance. She is the most important relationship in my life (after my family, of course) and I can't let her take the place of God Himself.
So I'm faced with a decision.
And I said, "yes, yes I would... and I'd trust that things would be okay. Because even though they've sucked sometimes, I've always been okay."
Well, wouldn't you know we sat in my room for hours last night. Just sharing our hearts.
Turns out God had opened her eyes to so many things for herself. We both found ourselves saying "I don't have to worry about you anymore" about each other, which was such relief.
It may not make sense. Actually, I can almost guarantee it doesn't. But it doesn't need to.
Last night was a night for the books. One I'll never forget as long as I'm alive. One of those moments that will outlive me.
One that brings my heart such peace. So much that I can't even explain it.
I felt like the Lord was preparing me. That all the things I've been praying for and waiting for for years and years and years, things that have only seemed like imagination are starting the happen. The ball is rolling. That it's all gonna accelerate from here and I need to be ready.
This isn't a dream. This is reality.
I have the friend I'd always hoped for. The living situation I've always dreamed of. My family is succeeding and taken care of. I have faith and confidence in myself. I have a great support system around me to help support and cultivate my dreams.
The Lord has blessed me indeed.
Idaho inspired me, and there's no going back.
My heart is overflowing. I have no words
