well
It appears as though the Lord is teaching me a lot of things at once.
What I hate is that I'll see and understand the concept, and just as quickly sink right back into the thinking that made me so upset that the Lord showed me what was causing it.
So, if I have a solution, a reasoning, why would I go right back to the same thinking that got me there?
Because, of course, in my mind, there always has to be some way that it's my fault. Or something to where if I don't do enough then something bad and hurtful will happen.
Because that's all I've known.

I've had "speaker's remorse" recently. Talking to someone I trust, and even mid sentence, I'm sitting there questioning why I opened my mouth. It's a defense mechanism of sorts. Explaining to them or getting their feedback to try and show that I have things together before they can ask me about it. If it's gonna be known, I want my side known. But what the heck is that? seriously? What is my deal? I don't owe anyone an explanation of anything, really. I guess I feel that since I know people can see something is up, that I have to explain in detail. When in fact, I don't have to say anything if I don't want to.

I thought about journaling. But I want to wait until the morning, because I know I won't make it through all the details before I get too tired to continue. Hence this blog.
This blog won't see all the details, but for some reason the different facets of expression get out different views. So, it's kinda helping me see and understand.
I guess because I know this one is exposed, I write while having a little voice speaking to me in my head. Because in reality, anyone who reads this can comment to me about it. So, I kinda hear it in advance.
Pastor Micah talked about Love not being envious.
I never really thought too much into this, into the detail of what the word envy really means and what depth it holds.
Duh duh nah! There's my answer! The reasoning for what all I've been dealing with.
I've been fighting feelings of envy. That mixed with fear and control issues, it's not pretty. Causes a lot of dark and twistys.
Needless to say, I've got a lot of thoughts to sort out. I need to be able to remember all this and dismiss all the opportunities I have to get all upset and worked up thrown at me.

I can trust God. I know I can. He's never let me down.
I know He knows what He's doing. I know He's guiding my life. So why am I afraid? I have nothing to fear.
My friends love me. They do. They want me in their lives. They value me. I'm irreplaceable.
I wish I could remember this, retain it.

I wish I could take a day or two to collect myself. Solitary confinement of sorts--no expectations, no pressure, nothing being thrown at me to get me down. Regain and rebuild my confidence and relearn the facts. That way "attacks" can be easier to understand and handle.
I wish I knew how to respond to people, how to act and react when I feel like this. When it's more obvious that I'm going through something... Because I don't like showing it, but I don't like being fake. And I know people can't really ever fully understand. And I know that this is why I tend to cling to those who do understand a little more... because they're so rare.
If wishes could be fishes....

But, God is still good.
He is teaching me. He hasn't given up on me. He's walking through these lessons with me.
All I have to do is just trust.
It's that easy.

Fact

I almost posted something before this post.
a few days ago.

But I couldn't bring myself to publishing what I was thinking.
So, I just closed the window.

Some things are just better left a mystery.