New year recap.

Not gonna lie, pretty glad this year is coming to an end.
Its had its bright moments, dont get me wrong: dancing on pointe, getting to know my name twin, getting a new job I actually enjoy. But theres been plenty of stuff im happy to leave behind: broken (albeit, closed and kinda mended I guess) friendships, injuries galore, removed gallbladder,  people got mad at me and im sure some feelings were hurt. But, ya know what, this year was great for me,
I found myself in the darkest pit ive ever been in, but I found my way out.
Ive been rejected,  disowned, and stomped all over, but I learned who I truly am and what is important in life.
Ive been tested in my faith in God, and He has proved Himself time and time again.
Hes shown me and taught me more than I could have ever hoped.
To think of where I was at this point last year and where I am now, im grateful.
Ive been drug through hell, but ive been refined in the fire I walked through.

Bring it, 2014.
If God is for me, who cares whats against me.

Well, this got extensive.

Sometimes, I feel this way.
When certain things line up just right,
My brain starts turning, but at the same time its silent.
It's my spirit that does most of the speaking.
But if i try to put it into words other people could understand,  I would inevitability fall short.
There are no words.

But these moments when im enveloped in this thick, undeniable knowing happen too often to not at least document their presence. 

Im inspired. 
I feel deeply.
Tears sometimes roll with out sorrow or explanation. 
They just are.

This vast understanding,  something deep within my being, having been there since I was a child, since I was able to choose it, to know thisnis what I wanted.
Ive accepted the hardships that come with it. They pale in comparison anyway.  What do hardships matter in the light of eternal glory? Not my glory, but glory to and of the only One deserving. 

Its these moment where explanation is nonexistent that I feel most inclined to write.
To express.
To document.

Its like im aware what part of life we're in, what we have ahead of us to face. Its like ive known all throughout that this story line was special.  I didn't know the outcome,  I even thought I had answers that turned out to be false. But all that comes out in the wash.

Other stories, be they fact or fiction,  where the characters and storyline coincide with mine tend to spur on these days of unexplanation.
I identify with them.
Im given proof and fact that the story my life tells is not one in vain.
That all this isnt crazy,
That what I sense and feel is real.
That this is deeper than human words can explain,  because even if they could, the human mind can't fully understand it. Its too vast, too incredible. This life is more than what meets the eye.
Humans can gets glimpses.  They can be told, but never fully understand until its experienced. When the time is right.
I think thats how sometimes people notice an unexplainable difference in me. So unexplainable that some just dont know how to handle me.
But those that do... they get it. They feel it . They sense it.
They work on the same level I find my heart dwelling in.

Its not scary, though some may think it such.
Its beautiful. 

One day my life will make sense.
My thoughts,
My words,
My actions.
Like a novel series with hints of the end intertwined all throughout, yet letting the story write itself. Aware of the depth,  but unable to reveal it until the time is right.

There will be pain.
There will be loss,
Even death.
It won't be easy.
But through the Sacrifice comes the victory.

(These are my thoughts after watchin harry potter again and identifying with the story in a way parallel to Jesus and what Hes got planned for us. Also, while listening to Luke sital-singh's tornado ep. I know more than I am able to say, and each day is lived in obedience to Jesus whether it makes sense or not. My heart trusts in Him. He will not lead me wrong.)

I.
Have.
So.
Many.
Blogs.

oh life, how you're so funny.

Always has a way of working out.
And getting complicated again.
And working out again.
And so on.

Might as well just keep my chin up and carry on.

I can't depend on people like my heart longs to.
That's okay.
I gotta realize why I do things, and do them for me.
I gotta look into them and see what the Lord is showing me through it.

He's on my side.
It's all gonna be okay



(ps. really wanted to write today. Had one of those words-are-heavy-on-my-heart-and-want-to-be-expressed days, but I can't seem to get them in the right order. meh.)

I found a note I had written myself at the end of 2011, to be read at the end of 2012.

Interesting to go back on.
It's sad and wonderful to see how much has changed.
What is still changing.
What I wish would change.

Should people's opinions matter?
loaded question, right?
Well, that's the crossroads where I'm currently standing.
Trying to balance the good of social media with the terrible.

I google searched a quote I had written in this stack of notes. I wanted to figure out who said it or if it was song lyrics or who I could give the credit to if I posted it. The first search result that popped up was a suicide hotline.

huh.
guess I'm depressed.

It grieves me, but I really think there are certain people I just need to glean out of my life.
I know they'll be offended or whatever, but it's not doing me any good...
And if all you're doing is bringing me down, then I can't handle that.
If you don't like it, ask me about it.

It's having a negative effect on my life as a whole--my job, my health, my socializing (or lack there of.)

I need to reevaluate.

Warning: semi-rant.

When did we get so serious?

People, social media is simply the highlight reel of someone's life.
You don't get all the behind-the-scenes.

You don't get the full conversations behind the comments
You don't get the struggle for that perfect picture
You lose the intentions behind what actually makes it to be posted.

People take social media so seriously...
And in some cases, social media is wonderful.
You can keep up with friends you wouldn't normally be able to update
You can reconnect with people you grew up with
You can find people you relate to (or even just make friends with name twins)
You can use it to encourage
You can use it to express yourself.

But somewhere in here, people find it necessary to insert their opinions.
Sometimes, this is okay.
Sometimes, it's uncalled for.

And sometimes, it leads to certain account holders feeling like worthless dirt, questioning why they even leave those friendships open at all if they have to be so crazy careful about anything they type, even if their intentions were good and the other party isn't known to proof read their real life conversations, let alone online. Sometimes it can shoot self-esteem through the floor. Sometimes it makes you wish you could take everything back and erase it, even if it's not your fault that it blew up to such epic proportions. Because, after all, you were just expressing yourself.
Right?

I don't know how some people seem to skirt all of this.
How some can be allowed to post their thoughts and no one will question them or debate with them about it.
Whereas for others, the slightest key stroke can evoke unexpected error and chaos and lead to guilt, regret, and just plain pain. How some can be made to feel like they were crap (mind you, in an instant where this person had no ill intention and wasn't pointedly hurtful.) for a simple post with backlash that cuts deep, yet those ones who are doing the cutting and guilt sentencing are left feeling justified?
Sure, their intentions may have been harmless, but I think there is something to be said for someone if those cutting remarks are common occurrences.

Yes, This post is made out of hurt feelings.
Guilty.
Sure, maybe I shouldn't have typed that comment all this spurred from.
But in my defense, when I made the comment, I didn't think it would cause any pain or anything like that. It was meant to be funny, it was meant for the person whose status I commented on. It wasn't meant for everyone else's opinions and judgments.
And the fact that someone who doesn't even talk to me anymore texts me about it--that really made me feel like dirt.
I could go on about my opinions and how it hurt me, but honestly, what good will it do? None.

I just wish I knew how to handle this situation. How to think, how to feel, what opinion to hold.
For the main party involved, it's fine. I confronted her and asked what she thought and even apologized. As for everything else, maybe things are still just too sensitive.

I wish I was allowed to give in to my introversion and cut off from the world this week.

It's been rough as it is, this wasn't really what I needed to be added on to it.

But, it's life.
You take it as it comes and play the cards you're dealt.

Sometimes I have tons to say,
But just don't feel like I have it in me to put forth the effort to get it all down on paper.

Some days I feel so inclined to write, but can't find the words.

If only these two could blend together...

Not gonna lie, I've been really stressed out lately.
It's almost been a month since my surgery, and I still can't eat anything without repercussion.
Most times I can just ignore the emotional toll this takes, but there are times when it's more difficult.
Not being able to do lunch with my mom because I can't eat anything where she wants to go. Or, I can go with her, eat something, and feel really sick later. Do I show weakness? Or do I play it off and just feel the pain on what's already a long day at work?
I'm having issues with my feet and knees in dance. Part of it is the fear of hurting again, which happens with my stomach. I don't want to do anything that's caused pain before unless I know it's safe. But how will I know if I don't try? But what if I try and it's not safe? That sucks. I feel like I'm falling behind.
Then I'm having to learn so much at work right now, moreso in preparation for one co worker having to leave town for a week. She's the only one who knows fluidly the complicated facets of what we do and I have to be the one--after 3 weeks of being here--to be able to handle all the legal things with this particular job.
No pressure.
I just honestly don't know how much I can handle before I truly break.
And it's not that it's bad. Because it's not. It's just difficult.
I'm exhausted as it is...

History before us.

I want to travel.
I want to visit places that I've read about all my life.
Real, historical places where these events took place.
I want to see where these people walked, lived, breathed, existed.
I want to walk the streets where Jesus walked.
See the garden of Gethsemane, the Mount of olives, Calvary...
I want to see the annex Anne Frank and her family hid in for years.
The window she so longingly gazed out of when she was allowed.
I want to go down in a submarine and see the Titanic on the ocean floor.
The final resting place for so many people, the signs of life, the vast ship they were enjoying traveling on.
I want to see the concentration camps where so many lives were abused and taken.
I want to visit Columbine High School.
See the graves of Rachel Scott and Cassie Bernall.
Really grasp what their lives stood for.
I want to see the 9/11 Memorial.
Bring to life that moment I watched helplessly on a screen while writing what I felt in my journal.
Learning new vocabulary such as "Hijack," "Terrorist," and "Skyline."

I want to make it all real to me.
I want to remember.
I want to reflect.
I want to experience what remains of these places.

This all really happened.
These were real people
Flesh and bone, just like you and me.
Seemingly normal one day, such an important part of history the next.

I want to revisit Rome.
Take in all the Colosseum encompasses again.
Take the tour, soak in every word, relish in the stories.

I want to take pictures.
Record the wonder of these locations.
Keep my mind wide open to what history can teach us about present reality.
Realize that just how these people were normal one moment, that I'm never certain of what my next one will hold.
I want to live my life with that in mind.
Live it well, so if today is all I'm remembered for, that it'll be worth remembering.
That it won't be a legacy to look back on in shame.

I want to make every moment count.
You never know how many there are left.
Or which one holds the events that change life as you know it.

I want to remain strong.
To face whatever these moments hold head-on, fearless.
To fight when all else seems lost.
To believe when there's no hope left.
To stand when everything around me falls.

I won't let the bad things that come against me define me.
They may affect me, but they'll never define me.

I just found out another Pastor we know died.
Last week, we lot a Pastor, his wife, and their administrator to a freak car accident.
Today it was a freak plane crash.

As we hear of deep sea animals washing up and living on shore of shallow, warm waters.
As we hear of new customs forms, unifying us with the UN and the rest of the world.
As we see more shocking results of the purity of our generation being stripped away as they're force fed to believe that this new, vulgar was is right and good and part of our rights as humans.
As earthquakes and monsoons and early snowstorms and other unusual weather happens simultaneously.

Another check on the list of signs of the times.

Dreams last night confirm it, too.
Ready or not, here it all comes.
We gotta be ready for ourselves. Secure in ourselves. Sure of what our convictions.

Days like these...

I have the immense desire to write, but I can't seem to find the subject.
Something in me begs to put pen to paper, to rid myself of this burden, but I can't think of where to begin.
It makes me wish I was back in school. That I was back at my private school, specifically. Where there was always something to write, always notes to take, always scriptures to memorize.
This new job I have makes me feel like that. I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure what to expect with it. But I'm hopeful.
That camaraderie that I had. Back when life was pure, when there wasn't any distractions. Just simple, focused, normal fun. Life in it's purest form.
I want to find how I can have that in it's escalated version.  The grown up image of myself. The 25-year-old version of 9-year-old Emilee.
That is my new quest, my search. to find that balance; reality of now to the warmth of then.

I wish I could cut out all the distractions. All the things that weren't around back then that do nothing today but make us insecure. The constant limelight we can't escape. Sure, there are things that are wonderful about social media, but there is so much of it that makes life so much more complicated than it has to be.

Dreams recently have been making me curious. I don't really know what to make of them. There has to be something. I need to journal. I need to get this out.

I love funerals.

I hate funerals.
I know, that comes as a contradiction to the title of this post, but allow me to explain myself.
I attended the funeral of a friend I grew up with's dad today. As I sat there among the mourning and tears, I thought to myself how I hated funerals. How I hate the sorrow, how I hate the goodbyes, how I hate the finality of it all. How I hate seeing people grieve with such loss.
For some reason, this funeral really made me sit back and see that everyone on this earth will die one day.
All of us sitting in that room will have a funeral and have people sitting in a room that will also one day sit in a room of their funerals...
...unless, of course, we're caught up in some mass extermination or something... sadly, in this day and age, I can't rule it out.
But, each of us mean something to people. Each of our deaths will count as a loss to someone. Each will cause mourning. Each will constitute a pain felt deep down in someone's heart and soul. So what am I living for? How am I using my time? How am I making the most of the moments I have left?
Funerals are becoming sadly more common recently, and I am starkly aware of the fact that tomorrow isn't promised, nor do we know what it holds for everyone in our lives. Everything can change in a  moment.
As such, every moment is so valuable, so important. We can't waste a single one. Those are what we will leave behind, those are what our loved ones will have to cling to. These moments and how we use them become the memories that cause us to live on or be forgotten after our deaths.
Hearing my friend speak so fondly of her father and how he made the most of every moment, how he took the time to appreciate each one he was given, made me sit back and really reevaluate how I live mine. What I see as important, what I hold as valuable.
See, I love funerals, because it's from these that I tend to learn the most valuable lessons in life. It's sad that it comes to this, but I don't want to lose a single opportunity to learn and be better. That's what this life is about; it's about the legacy we leave and what our days say to those we leave behind. What wisdom can we leave to those we say goodbye to? That's what we should be concerned about.
The next thought funerals always captivate me with is how we're all here, crying and sad, and how in  most of these situations, the person is already in heaven, caught up in eternal glory. They were there, in that beautiful place the moment their soul left here. They're having the time of their lives. And to think of the time when we get to join them, oh how wonderful that time will be! To hold them in our arms again. To look into their eyes... I look forward to it.
When I was little, I used to be a little concerned about having anyone there to meet me when I got there. Little did I know that in a few short years, I would have more than I ever expected... To think of getting to see them all again, my heart fills with such love.

I hope these make sense. I hope you sit back and reevaluate how you live your life. Please, don't waste a moment...
Because that's what life is all about; how you handled the moments.
Make the most of it.

Love is louder.

I just watched the movie "Cyberbully" and honestly, it was way more than I expected.
I figured it would be a stereotypical, cheesy movie, but it wasn't in the slightest.
The acting was well done, the story line was great, and the way it was laid out was perfect.
Honestly, it left me with a heavy heart.
When I was in highschool, all the internet stuff was still fairly new. Bullying on there was done, but not nearly as common as it is now. And knowing how I felt with all the hate shot at me, I can't imagine how much more difficult it is now.
I had people tell me I was nothing, I had people tell me I was a hypocrite. I had people I thought were my best friends turn their back on me. I was left completely dejected and alone, and as I stared at the pieces in my hands, I was so confused as to what I did for life to get to that point. I just came to a new school, with hopes that it would be a great experience. Why was I finding myself like this? I tried my hardest to be the best person I could, and still people walked all over me and tried to shoot me down. I tried my best to just stay out of everyone's way, but still they found me. Nonchalantly telling me how I'm a loser, and how I'm never going to go anywhere or be anything with the way I am choosing to live life. It went around the school 4 times in 3 years that I was a lesbian, simply because I didn't date anyone and I hugged people.
People from my own church kept me at a distance, uncertain of what I really was, and if what these people said was true.
So what did I do? I became a cutter. I took knife or thumb tack, or screw, or safety pin, or razor piece, or screwdriver to skin and plastered the smile on my face again so no one would know anything was wrong.
After all, the only people I had let in to see that inside I was really broken were the people who kept turning against me.
Maybe I'm just too messed up for people, right?
No one knew. My sister read my journals and told my mom, who was in too much of a shock and hurting too much after losing her dad to believe her. After all, I told a pretty convincing story that I was just fine. I was in theater, I was an actress, of course I could convince people. It's what I did.
I made it through high school, bruised and very messed up, but I made it.
And now that it's been 8 years since I walked across that stage, do you know what I've learned?
I'm not too messed up.
In fact, it's not me whose messed up at all.
Those people who said and did such hurtful things, those people I thought were my friends, those people who made me feel that there was nothing else to do about it except slide blade across skin time and time and time again, only stopping short of ending my own life because I couldn't go back on the promise I made my dad after we left the funeral of my friend who had hung himself in his bathroom when I was just thirteen years old.
That there is hope. That I am going to make it and I am going to be successful. That those people who were causing me pain were really just in exponential pain themselves, so all they knew to do was what was done to them.
Sadly, most of them never grow up past what they were in high school. Some do. And some still have no idea that what they even did was hurtful. They just go with the flow of what's going on around them, thinking it's just a joke and not another lash on the back of someone whose already been beaten down.
So what can you do about it?
Live on purpose.
Make sure every move you make is one that you are willing to own up to if it came down to it. Pay attention to your actions, to how it affects people. Say and do kind things. You never know how badly someone is really hurting, even if it's the one who seems to be the strongest. Even if you would get made fun of for talking to that person. Do it anyway.
People need love, and sadly most are being starved of it.
Be that bread they so desperately need.
Live the difference that you want to see.
Keep a level head. Realize that you are no better than the person next to you, but that you have the potential to make a difference.
Even if you don't see it in the 13 years you have in the education system as a student, people see and feel and remember far more than you realize.
Leave a good taste in their mouth.
Love on purpose. You won't regret it.

Love is louder than hate, than rejection, than fear, than hurt, than painful words...
Love is louder.

Being sick sucks, and I don't think most people understand this.
I'm sure there are tons of things I don't understand, even some forms of sickness I don't understand, but this is really starting to take it's toll on me.
I can hardly function, at least fully. It makes me feel lazy, it makes me feel lethargic. It makes me want to stay away from other people who don't understand it.
But when it comes down to it, I'm not intentionally lazy, I just don't have the strength or energy to do the things I normally would be able to do.
This has been going on for so long, I'm beginning to forget what normal is like. It's starting to seem like this is the new normal, that I just have to accept it. That I have to adapt. That there's nothing that can be done about it.
So many times in life, that has been the case. Bad things happen, and I'm required to adjust.
I was looking through some pictures, and I came across ones from January. That's when I was the happiest with my size--since I've gotten over the eating disorder, and really purged my mind of all the thoughts that went with it. I was so happy because I was finally there.
Now what?
Do I just have to accept the fact that I'm the size I am? Do I have to just adjust to this added 25 pounds?
The added cellulite I see in the mirror, the extra rolls that have popped up everywhere, the fact that none of my clothes fit me correctly, the added arm fat. All these things that screamed at me before, and I overcame that. I adjusted to what a healthy size is for me. I was active. I was eating right. Then all of a sudden, weight comes on out of no where. And then nothing works to get it off. And now I fell so sick all the time that I can't find the energy to do anything extra, especially since just doing what is required is hard enough. If I let myself stop and think about what I really feel, it's enough to bring me to tears--it's so overwhelming. Not to mention when people try and tell me that I'm sick because I don't have enough faith. Seriously? I'm fighting every single day, and the best you have is that I need to pray more or believe harder? Excuse me, but you have no right to tell me that my spiritual life isn't enough. My fruit shows that it is. I don't know why God chooses not to heal me, but that's not my place. I told Him He could have me to do as He wills. Maybe there's someone that needs to be reached down the line and I just haven't gotten there yet. If it's for one person, then it's worth it.
I don't understand everything, I just do my best to make it through it.
It's difficult, I won't lie. I wish it were over, I wish I could make sense of it all, I wish that I could be guaranteed that things won't always be like this, but I'm not. I can't. It's not.
All I can do is go forward hopeful.

Please, God. Let this surgery be beneficial. Please let me get back to where I was. Help me be able to do the things I need to to get the results I need. Please help this new job help me take better care of myself. Please take all of the excess crap out, prune it from my life. I'm tired of it always pulling me back. Help me to stay strong through all of this, and when I'm weak, please be the strength I lack.

Instep

We had a big dance festival this weekend.
Is it pathetic that I've been away from my dance friends for not even a day and I already miss them? Like, I want to cry a little because there's this longing inside me to be immersed in the dance world. To be with those sweet friends, and laughing, and loving life.
I'll see them tomorrow, even. What makes this day so difficult?
Maybe it's the fact that I know I'm about to be out of dance for an unknown amount of time.
Maybe it's the longing of my youth to have been filled with such wonderful things as I see some of these girls have. Almost a regret that I couldn't have lived my life more fully.
But really, if I and my fellow twenty-somethings hadn't gone through our lives of seemingly simple-dom, would we be here to make sure these girls get to enjoy theirs so much? Would they have anyone to inspire them to greatness as they go through their classes? These girls are surrounded by so many people of quality, and I was able to see that shine through so many of the people I interact with Monday's and Thursday's. It's almost like they get to jump over the craziness that some of the older girls in the class seem to be tormented with. These girls get to have stability as their example, and seeing that striving for the greatness that is in them is fun. And in return, they are wildly successful. They are budding into beautiful dancers, and it brings me near tears to know that they have the beautiful character to match.
I love these girls with a love that can't be put into words. Almost as if they were my younger sisters.
This studio really is a family. And I am so beyond grateful to be a part of it.

<3 p="">

Quarter-Century Club

Well, here it is.
I'm twenty-five.
When I sit back and look at it from a general scope, I don't feel like I'm where I thought I would be.
I mean, what is really different about me since I was seventeen?
I haven't gone through any of the right-of-passages most have by this age.
I mean, really, I've never even been kissed. How many twenty-five year olds do you know that can say that?
I'm not married, I don't  have any kids, I don't have an impressive job, or even resume.
Shouldn't I have at least one of those checked off by now?
What would seventeen year old me say to this?
Would she be embarrassed?
Would she feel like moving forward would be hopeless?
Would she walk across that stage? Or run like emotions she suppressed told her to?
What would be the point of it all, anyway?
Has she gotten anywhere at all?

But then I think back to seventeen year old me.
More than just what the outside would tell someone.
That is when I can see how far I've come.

Even just in this last year, many things have come full circle.
I feel like I've been able to really bust out of the chains and bonds that have been holding me to who I was before.
I used to be so nervous all the time.
I was so insecure.
I was terrified of so many things;
People's opinions and perceptions of me,
How I appeared to the outsider,
If everyone liked me, and if not then why not?
Killing myself to be there for everyone else
Making sure everyone else was completely happy
Putting my dreams and ideas and hopes and everything else aside for anyone else.
Automatically accepting any thought that came in to my head, whether truth or not. If I thought it, it had to be true.
Struggling so hard to find my place.

When really, that place was in front of me the whole time.
I just had to learn how to put myself first.
I had to learn that this wasn't being selfish, that it was being wise.
I had to learn that there is a way to do that and be selfish, but that the line is one that can be identified and defined.
I had to learn to love myself; my quirks, my humor, my personality, my goals, my dreams, my fears, my desires, my dislikes, my opinions, and my love.
I had to learn how to define these things for myself, and not based upon who I was spending the most time with at the time.
I had to have the bottom fall out and learn who I truly am when push comes to shove.
I had to let everything fall apart so it would have room to come together the way it needed to be.
I had to be broken so I could be fixed. By God, and by no one else.
I had to face my fears and insecurities head on, look them in the eye and tell them, "You don't own or define me."
I had to realize that all I really have to rely on is Jesus and myself. No one else is obligated to me. If they help me, that's great. But I can't expect anyone to do anything for me. This also helped me define people in my life. Those who really love me won't have to be prodded to help. They'll do it from the goodness of their heart. If they didn't offer it, I can't require it, because then it doesn't come from goodness, it comes from obligation, and that only leaves you in a tough spot later down the line.
I had to decide to stop making excuses for things I wanted to try and accomplish, and do them simply to fill the longing deep inside.
I had to look fear in the eye until it submitted to me.
I had to see that clinging to Jesus is the best thing I can do, especially when things get hard.
I had to see and learn all of these things and more for myself.

I am a better person for it.

It took exactly twenty-five years for all of these things to be accomplished.
It took being stripped of everything to find what really is important.
It took losing everything to find that even so, God is still good and still with me and still taking care of me.
It took all of this for me to find who I am.
My core. My center.
To find myself, and truly love the person that I am.

Here I am, twenty-five.
And life is looking pretty hopeful.
I think the fight is finally over, and although I'll still have to fight every now and again, I am the person I need to be to handle and enjoy all that life has for me.

The tide has turned.
The switch has flipped.
The line has been drawn and stepped over.
With purpose.

I have signed off on the last page of the book of my first twenty-four years, and began writing on the twenty-fifth.
I'm excited to see what all it holds.
I love this life, and everything it brings.

Instead of getting upset over things I don't understand and have no control over, I choose to focus on positive things that are in my life.
I have people who care about me.
I have people who are concerned for me.
I have people who love me.
I have a job that works with my schedule.
I have options.
I have a God who loves me and wants what's best for me.

Honestly, if all I do is think about God and all He's done for me and all He is to me, it's enough to overcome any thoughts.

Believe it, Emilee. It's the truth.

Yesterday was my first ever Pointe class.
It was AWESOME! Sure, there was some pain, but it was nothing near what I was expecting. So I guess in this instance, psyching myself out was a good thing. :) I'm just so excited to get to take this next step in following my dreams in dancing. It makes me feel so alive.
During class, I heard my phone go off. Which was entertaining, considering my ringtone is the minions singing and everyone started giggling.
It was my doctor calling me to tell me the scans came back.
I'm fairly certain my gall bladder is coming out.
This is pretty inconvenient timing, considering we have a dance festival coming up in two weeks that I missed last year due to getting sent to Odessa for work. I don't want to miss it this year. A Soloist from Moscow is teaching a couple classes and I want to be in them...
Maybe they can hold off until October... That would be more ideal.
But I am ready to get this sickness out of me.

I gotta keep telling myself that even though it sucks that I'll be out of dance for a while, that it's better in the long run.

There are some things I journal that I'm sure I would be counted crazy for if any one else was to read it.
But those are the very things that are more real to me than anything tangible.

Maybe that's why I don't make sense to most people.

I have all I need.

Hours have been slow and tips have been scarce here lately.
I'm trying not to worry about it, because the Lord told me He would take care of me. I know I can take Him at His word.
I still have to remind myself of this each time reality starts to sink in a little deeper.
Today was one of those days.
I usually pay for gas with tips, but being that they have become few and far between, I haven't had as much to be able to set aside for this. (Cash also takes care of the extra things I may need, things at the store, water, etc.) Well, my car is 8 miles away from the gas light coming on, so I knew I'd need to get gas when I left work if I wanted to be able to get back tomorrow.
No big deal, just use my card.
Right?
There technically is $38 in my account. And we get paid Monday.
But I've had to make some big purchases that have used what would normally be stored up in there for occasions like these; Pointe shoes, (complete with ribbon, elastics, and toe pads.) Dance Class registration fees, plane tickets for a wedding I booked, etc. So I was changing out all my coins for bills in the register so we don't have to worry about change on this holiday weekend and I can have a few bills instead. I forgot that I had hidden $10 from myself in my coin purse, but I want to leave that there. I think I may be able to squeeze out $20 from the ample amount of change from my car and the couple of ones I have in my wallet.
It literally came out to $20.05 total.
Now, I drive about 70 round trip for work every day, where I get paid slightly above minimum wage. It's not the amount of pay, nor the amount of hours I was told upon agreement to work here, but I push this out of my mind. Because God told me to work here. And if He told me to, then I'm supposed to be here, regardless of what reality tries to tell me.
I have to work 7 days this week, and I know that the girl working the bar will probably get good tips this weekend, which I'm fighting the reasoning of how unfair that seems to me because she works just as hard when she is here. She's entitled, too.
I'm just getting nervous and wanting to control and justify everything.
Which I can't do. That's not my job.
So I was talking about jobs with a friend of mine who has to renew her contract and in essence re-apply for her job. I told her that I have to miss a day of work due to tests the doctors have to run on me. Just kinda sucks, cause it's a whole day of work I'll miss simply because I have to do this test in the morning. Now, there are tons of benefits this will give me since I wasn't going to be able to have a day off for 3 weeks, but I know things are gonna be tight here coming up. Hours have already been cut and it's only going to get more extensive.
As I was typing to her, one of my little confirmation things from a dream I had came up. I sent it to the friend I was talking to and just kinda laughed at the irony in my head. Then a song came on that said, "I can feel a breakthrough coming" over and over. I stopped what I was doing and prayed.
"God. I trust You, I do. You're not gonna let me down. Help me to trust You. Help me not try to control this. Help me to just be able to sit here and wait on You to provide. You hear me. You see me. You're not gonna let me go under. You keep your promises."
I went back to some of the pictures I was editing and a man with his son and either sister or girlfriend came in asking about the golf carts we rent. I told them the different stipulations, and they asked about if it was possible to keep it over night so they could take it when they go fishing. This is a common thing people do, so I know my boss has let people do it before. I told them that my boss usually makes that call, but I can definitely ask him. I told them he may be in later on tonight if they wanted to check back at 6pm or so, but if he wasn't here, I would leave an answer with whoever is either way. The man put a $20 on the counter and said, "That's for you. For being so kind to us and asking your boss."
At first, I wasn't sure what to think. I didn't know if I should take him seriously, if I was allowed--many questions coming through my head, so I tucked it to the side, still kind of in sight in case I misunderstood.
He said it again as he left.

I can get gas now.
I can get gas to last me until Monday, and get the few groceries I needed to make real food for the weekend.
And I still don't have to touch what's left in my bank account.

It reminded me of the 23rd Psalm, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."
Or, as I say it in my head,
"I have the Lord, I lack nothing."

He really is taking care of me.
I'm humbled, really, by how He is going about this whole season. Giving me exactly what I need, and even a little more.
My pointe shoes? I was given $120 (that I wasn't expecting) for housesitting last week. My pointe shoes in total cost $115.99. That's a $4.01 difference that I had extra. And I didn't even use the cash. I had enough buffer in my account to set the cash aside in to a place I'm saving in case I have an emergency, and if I don't then it'll go towards a lens.
The plane ticket I had to buy? I worked crazy hours a couple weeks back that warranted me an extra check. I was going to put it into my savings account, when I realized I would need the plane ticket. What I'm getting paid for the wedding will end up covering it, but I won't get that until later. The check was for $312.00. The plane ticket? $312.60.
You can't get that specific on accident.

A friend also sent me pictures of pages from a book she's reading about waiting. I need to get it, because it is so good, and exactly what I needed to hear. That I need to wait while I wait. The first "wait" meaning to serve as I do the second "wait" which means what we normally interpret the word to mean.

So, as I wait, I will serve the Lord; knowing that He is taking care of everything I need.
And not only what I need, but what I enjoy; like dance class.

I have the Lord, I lack nothing.

Who are you dreaming for?

I set some goals for myself
Actively pursuing my dreams.
Working hard for a two year time frame to try and get this accomplished.

At the beginning, it seemed impossible.
But here it is.
It's happened.
I did it.

Now, is there a big fanfare for this?
Is there a celebration for my accomplishments?
No.
What I'm finding is that most of the people closest to me still think I'm ridiculous.
They may say "congratulations" or ask me about it, but you can tell the difference between someone who really supports you and someone who is just being condescending.

Even though I've done it, I've accomplished this huge goal for myself, people still think I'm being juvenile.
That I need to get over it.
They have an "okay, you've done it. Now it's over, right?" kind of attitude.

But that's just it.
This is never going to be over for me.
If I had my way, I'd do this every single day of my life.
Sadly, I can't afford to do that, and I wrestle with feelings of emptiness on days that are spent otherwise.
They feel wasted.
They feel pointless.

So, who am I dreaming for?
Am I dreaming for the applause of those people around me?
Am I dreaming for a "job well done!" ?
Am I dreaming for a pat on the back?
Am I dreaming to somehow make someone else proud of me?

No.
I'm dreaming for myself.
I'm dreaming to accomplish my own goals.
I'm dreaming to show myself that I can
I'm dreaming to show myself that things that seem impossible are indeed possible.
I'm dreaming to make myself proud of myself, to feel accomplished inside, to express this longing that lives deep down.
And if someone else can get something out of it along the way, even better.
But this is for me.
Anyone else, and I'm only setting myself up for disappointment.

So, pat yourself on the back.
Shut out the haters.
Dream for yourself.

Today is one of those days.
where the depth inside me is evident in every moment.
Beginning with the dreams I had last night, to the fact that Titanic was on ABC Family, to the music I now listen to.

I wish I could explain how different these days feel, but as often as I've tried, I've never had success.

Funny.

I think it's funny
That there's certain people that appear to be very loved.
And maybe they are.
But that people look at them and think they don't need to be loved.
That someone else has it covered.
That surely, there's some body out there who makes them feel valued and wanted.
Right?

Who are we to assume?
It's like assuming that someone who borrows your car will put gas in it, so you drive without checking.
More than likely, they're not going to. Some will, some people are kind.
But what does it hurt to check?

What does it hurt to encourage these people?
What does it hurt to express love?
I mean, some people let it go to their head. And that can make it difficult.
But still.
Why not love the one who shows the most love?
Why not encourage the one who encourages the most?
Because, honestly, if they're giving it out so much, they probably empty of it really quickly.
Especially if there are those selfish people in their lives that just try to milk them for all they're worth.

Do yourself a favor.
Say kind words today.
Express kind thoughts.
Even if you're not sure how it'll be received.
Kindness never hurts.

Words.

Words are powerful, y'all.
Someone once told me if you think something nice about someone, tell them.
Even if you don't have reason to.
Even if they seem to be at a higher level than you.
Even if you don't know them.
Even if they are at a "lower level" than you.
Even if they've heard it a million times.
Even if you think they know it.

They may not.
They may have forgotten.
They may need to hear it one more time.
They may have never been told.

When it comes down to it, what bad could it do to say nice words?
None.
Nothing truly bad can come out of kindness.
Nothing you'll regret can come from kindness.
If it's done with a true, honest, and humble heart.

A few of the kind things I've been told recently:
"Your coffee is better than starbucks!"
"We come over here every year and have stayed at almost every place there is, and I must say, you're the kindest person we have ever encountered."
"You are the most beautiful person I have ever met!!"
That was one I had never heard before.
The one before, that's one I needed to hear.

You never know what people are going through, even if they seem to be doing just fine in life.
Sometimes, those can be some of the people hurting the most.
Encourage the encouragers.

I was in the line at HEB not too long ago.
A really sweet lady was our checker.
The lady before us had a price issue on peaches, and it took a little bit of time in the express lane.
I waited. Because I was so impressed with her kindness and professionalism.
I told her, "You are one of the kindest people I've ever had at the check out."
She replied with a laugh, "And the slowest!"
To which I said, "I would take kindness over speed any day."
Her eyes got wide and misty as she said, "Thank you so much for saying that. I'm still pretty new here and don't have everything figured out yet. Thank you so much."

I would have never guessed in a million years she was new. That she felt like she was falling below the bar. That she needed those words. I could have kept them to myself, but what my friend told me echoed in my ears. Holding back the words won't benefit you any, why not just set them free?

searching.

Had a couple come into the gift shop,
"Do you have any flash lights?"
Having never been asked that one before, I said, "You know, I don't think we do. I'm gonna have to ask about that one!"
I look around to where they might be if we did just to make sure, and the husband tells me,
"We saw a whole group of people on the beach with flash lights last night. They were all very intent on finding something, a whole group of them. We figured we'd see about getting a flash light and seeing if we could figure out what it is they're looking for."

Imagine if we were searching God to know Him better, like these people were searching the beach. Not even the darkness would keep us back from looking for more of Him.
I'm willin' to bet that people just watching us would become curious, and would want to know what it is we're searching for.

Let your life speak.

mind mush.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I was more like other people.
They seem so happy
Their life must be so much fun.

Funny. That's what I've been told some people think about me.

But, surely their life doesn't have as much seemingly pointless drama as mine does.
All this exhausting nonsense sucking the day of it's beauty.
I try my hardest to not waste a day on something so small, but my heart gets in the way.
And before you know it, I'm drained. And want to crawl into my introverted hole and stay there.
With ice cream.
Blue Bell Rocky Mountain Road, to be exact.
Curled up in a ball, wrapped in my favorite blanket
Watching Grey's Anatomy. Season 8.
Or really, any of the episodes where something drastic happens.
So that way, maybe what you feel with be justified.
Except that it's just a TV show, but you don't tell yourself that.

Why can't I be confident? Why can't I just let all of this roll off my shoulders and go on with life?
I've tried. Believe me, I've tried.
I'm actually way better than I used to be.
Honestly, I don't want to care.
I want to blare Icona Pop from my speakers as I drive over the bridge and not into it.
Enjoy my days while I have them.

So if this is my mantra, why is my heart still so heavy?
Maybe there's something yet to be that will warrant all of these emotions.
Maybe it'll give me a reason to be so lethargic.
Because I really don't want it to be because of all this.

I miss the stage.
You could be a million different people and no one would question you.
But here, I have a reputation to uphold.
Not that I want to go out and get drunk, and party til I can't remember, and mess around with whoever I want.
Heck no.
I don't want to be stupid.
I just want to be able to be who I want to be, and not have people try and tell me I'm not spiritual enough.
Or that I'm not a godly person.
Or that, "And she calls herself a Christian."
Or the "look at her, she thinks she's so much better than us. But look at her..."
yatta yatta yatta.
It's not even so much the issue looming over my head.
It's the unknown conversation happening behind me.
I don't know what they're going to say.
What they're thinking.
What opinions they have.

Why should I care?
I think this over like I can do anything else about it.
I need to leave it where the conversation may or may not be happening.
Behind me.

So why won't this sinking feeling go away?
Maybe it's unrelated to that past issue.
Maybe that's the only thing I have to pin it to, so I'm conveniently doing so.

I need something to happen in my life.
Something that makes all of this worth it.
I need something that is so bright that I don't even notice the shadow of all my troubles.

I have to hold on to the hope I have.
That some day, all these times now that don't make sense will.
And that if I just hold out, then it'll all be worth it.
It has to be.
I've come too far for it not to be.

Let's do this.

You never know.

If you're like me, you live a rather simple life.
Day to day, nothing flashy.
Wake up, routine, sleep.

Just know it's more than that.
You're daily life could be speaking more than you know.

I know for me, today my friend's daily life spoke more to me than she'll ever know.
And really, it's not just the one day it spoke. It's her daily life, and our interaction that helped me out in a simple yet astounding way.
I've had some hard days, and I've been just trying to figure out how to react and what to do and say and how to feel. It's not an uncommon thing to happen to me, this thing I've had lingering. But it is the first time it's happened since I've really come into myself. Even though things seemingly went to poop, I didn't cry a single tear. And not out of stubbornness, either. Journaling about it got me to shaking, and it definitely bothered me, but on the inside, I am unshakable. There's something deep down that's holding me together, that's whispering in my ear that things will be okay. Subtle confirmations that when I look back, this will all be worth it.
I know this is the Holy Spirit helping me. We're tight. hehehe.
And today, He used my friend's life to show me hope.

She's simple. Nothing flashy. Sure, she's immensely talented, but she's level headed about it. I think that's what makes her talent so great and so captivating--that her confidence ends there. It's confidence. It doesn't cross that line into cockiness or pride. She is who she is, and she's just fine with that. She's kind and funny and really seems to enjoy life. She's a light. Today I saw her in her element of talent. And I think what stuck out to me the most is how her character off the stage shows on stage through her gifts. She'd probably laugh at me saying all of this, or be like, super touched. Who knows. The point is; today, her life gave me hope. That I, too, can live my life and that be enough. That I don't have to change for anyone. Even down to the bunny I still sleep with at 24 years old. She is who she is, and that's why she is so lovable.
That is what I am finally starting to figure out, and am so grateful to be learning no matter how painful the lesson may prove to be. And I am eternally grateful for the example she is to me at this time in my life.

Thank you, Brandy. I'm honored to know you.

Common misconceptions.

1.) "You must be an extrovert"
No. Actually, I'm your stereotypical introvert.
2.) "You must be a morning person"
I can function in the morning, but I prefer to be alone during them.
3.) "I bet you have a great boyfriend"/"You must have dated"
I've never dated. I'm picky and have trust issues. Really, there's waaaay more to it than that, but it's way too long to try and sum up on here. If you want to know, just ask.
4.) "You must make so much money with photography"
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
5.) "I thought you were intimidating when I first met you."
Hopefully this has changed as my insecurities have begun to shrink... I'm as cuddly as a puppy.
6.) "You must have a lot of friends."
Kinda true. But my true friends are few. Although more than most people may have. But not as many as people would expect. I'm an introvert, I keep to myself.
7.) "You must know so much about art/cameras"
Nope. I know what I see and how I see it. I just go with it. As for knowing about structured art, I'm clueless.
I like it that way.
8.) "You must be so lonely"
Quite the opposite. I'm single by choice. I like it this way. Until someone awesome enough to change this comes along, I'll stay right here where I'm content :)
9.) "You're so complicated"
Actually, I'm so simple, it's complicated.
10.) "You gotta weigh--what--130?"
BAAAHAHAHAA!! I wish.
11.) "You're what...16? 19?...no?...22?"
almost 25. thanks.
12.) "You must have so much free time"
quite the opposite. And I have to factor it carefully.
13.) "You love speaking in front of people!"
Not really. I don't prefer it. But I will do it if I have to or have something that needs to be said.

just a few.

I've really found myself in a good place in life.
Granted, it still poses it's difficulties, and sometimes it hurts and things suck, but even during those times, I'm still happy on the inside.
I'm hopeful.
I know things are going to work out just fine.

I never thought I'd get to a place like this, where inside everything is truly calm even when a storm is going on all around, but I have. And I love it.

Even though I don't understand everything, I know everything will be okay.
I know God keeps His promises.
I know I'm in His arms.
That all these things that seem like big decisions now really won't be much when it comes to the big picture.

Life is a beautiful thing.

Story Time.

Believe it or not, these two simple things brought tears to my eyes.

You see, today was an extremely slow day.
I was scheduled to work the opening shift, which is usually pretty busy and produces pretty decent tips. My employee asked to switch so she could make a dr appointment more easily. I agreed, thinking nothing of it.
This is a week when I really need my tips. I don't get enough hours at work, and to be able to do all the things I need to do, I need to be able to use the tips I generally make.
It has turned out that this week, I have missed all the big days (and in turn gotten these painfully slow ones.) Of course, this would figure, the one week where I actually need tips to cover costs for a trip I'm going on this weekend and a wedding I agreed to shoot before I knew it was 4 hours away that is next week. I'm trying not to worry about it, but there isn't much hope on the surface.
I've already had an oddly rough week. It's not that anything is wrong, per se, I just feel numb. Like my head isn't here. I don't really know how to explain it farther than that. My head feels like that of a mannequin.
With 30 minutes left to my shift, I had a whopping $1.73 in my tips jar. Even that wasn't from anything I made, since no one ordered a single latte. The guy felt bad for me. (Thank you, random sir.)
I decided that instead of looking at it in a negative way, I should just be grateful.
Super cliche, but it really seemed to click.
I should be grateful that I have a job I like. That I have $1.73 more than I did before going into work. That I have employees I can trust. That I have a boss who trusts me.
As I was closing up, the owner of the hotel's son came up to me, all perky and youthful as usual, asking if I needed my trash taken out.
See, we have a deal where if he takes out my trash, he can have a milkshake.
Except that I already had everything cleaned.
I told him that, he bargained and asked, "what about just a scoop?"
"Will you clean the scoop afterwards?"
"Yes!"
"Okay, then. You have a deal!"
He really is a cute kid, and I really don't like taking out the trash. This felt like a fair trade.
I got it ready for him, scooped his ice cream, and he held up his end of the deal.
As I counted the drawer, he returned from his journey to the land of the dumpster.
"I'm really fast, aren't I?"
"You're lightning fast!!"
Then he looked at my tip jar.
(Last time, he bargained a dollar out of me for helping.)
"Do you get to keep all of that?"
"Yep, sure do! Although we were slow today, so there's not much in there."
"But you get to keep it all?"
"Sure do!"
Right then, he put a dollar in it and said,
"There! There's your tip!"
now I had two dollar bills in there.
The kid who everyone knows as the one always trying to make you a deal to get something out of you--and he is quite the negotiator--was leaving me a tip.
He came back around a little later.
"Do you want a snickers bar?"
He had them in one of those fundraising boxes.
"How much is it, a dollar?"
"No! Do you want one?"
"Sure, I'll take one"
"That'll be a dollar!"
"Ah, I knew it!" I hand him a dollar, he hands me a full-size snickers bar.
"What are you fundraising for?"
"For my savings account!"
At that moment he slaps the dollar back on the table and says,
"There! There's your tip! Bye!"

At that moment, my eyes teared up.
A technical two dollar tip from the most unlikely and unexpected of places.

Who am I to question whether or not I'll be taken care of?
When, clearly and often, the Lord has reminded me that He will.

And He will.

Something about today.

Some days beg me to express.
I don't really know how to explain this.
Isn't that ironic?

I don't know what to say
I don't know what to draw
I don't know what to paint
But I just want to somehow express whatever this is
Get it out of me
Look at it
Then wrap myself in it.
I want to feel the beautiful weight of it around my shoulders.

Something about today.

a million shades of crazy.

Life has been a million shades of crazy
but not bad
if that even makes sense?
Started a new job the same day I moved.
Two days later a friend died in a car accident.
And yesterday I had the first fever I've had in years.

I've been sick for a while, but not fevered. I was always functional.
I don't know how to not do something.
So, today I am learning that.
I still have to drive to Corpus to deliver pictures.
I have to skip dance, which breaks my heart.
But I know I can't be stubborn this time.
Just really sucks because we don't have dance Thursday because of a holiday.
Sigh.
Over iiiit.

I lost my job! Yay!

This may seem like an oxymoron, or sound sarcastic.
It is neither in the slightest.
And now I will proceed with a list of reasons why I am so happy I lost my job today.

1. I get to sleep during the night time.
2. I don't have to be paranoid about roaches crawling on me at any given time.
3. I get to be a real person again.
4. I don't have to touch any more sticky labels.
5. I have a reason to wear real clothes.
6. I'm out of the ghetto.
7. No more uncomfortable Mondays
8. No more 25 hour Sundays
9. Let's be honest. I hate phones.
10. I don't have to leave dance class early on Monday's anymore.
11. I have time to move.
12. I have time to finish editing pictures
13. I have time to work on my website.
14. I don't have to worry about missing important calls/texts because of funny sleeping schedules.
15. I can participate in things like normal people.
16. I CAN BE NORMAL
17. Hopefully by being able to eat like a normal person, I can drop the 15 pounds I gained.
18. God had already lined up a place for me to live that required no rent.
19. There was substantial confirmation before that I would be okay.
20. I don't have to figure out how to put my 2 weeks notice in.

There's tons more. But, the point is, this is a great thing.

I am so excited to see where life is going to go from here.

I went to bed praying that God would do something about the work situation.

I woke up with "Sometimes things have to fall apart before they can fall together perfectly" on my mind.

A song with the lyrics, "Don't you worry, don't you worry child. See, heaven's got a plan for you" came on right before I got the call.

I already have job offers.

I am at complete peace.

This is my month.

Kindness.

Recently, for whatever reason, I have been receiving the most beautiful compliments.
Ones that include phrases like, "you're my role model" and "I couldn't have made it through...without you." and other such of the sort.
Looking back now at how I've lived my life over the years, I never thought I was doing much of anything. I was just talking to people, being kind. I put my heart into it, because my heart is for people. If there was something I could do to help them breathe easier, why not do it?
Now, I'm not talking about running yourself into the ground to let people walk all over you, that's different.
This is just meeting the need. Doing what you have the ability to do to help people.
Sometimes it's as simple as just listening. Sometimes it's saying something encouraging. In high school, I baked brownies for people on occasion. And really, what I found that it did was it ended up encouraging me right back; sometimes even more than the encouragement I was giving. Seeing that they were able to have a better day inadvertently made my day better.
It's a win win.
What's more, is it can inspire other people to reach out in kindness. Sometimes on the days when you need it most yourself. I'll never forget such a time when I was a senior in high school. I was having a particularly rough morning, and just kinda went about it like normal; not really expecting anything spectacular to happen. I get to class to a gift on my desk. Two of my friends, Jennifer and Ainsley, had gone out of their way to make me cookies and give me a wall sign that said "you make me smile." They also wrote in a card where they told of how they noticed how I encouraged others and decided that I needed to have the favor returned. They will never fully know what that meant to me. When I got to my next class, I found homemade monkey bread and chocolate milk along with a mix CD from my friend Bethany. It was also accompanied by a card bursting with encouragement.
I've moved a lot over the years, but that wall sign goes with me to every new residence. It stands as a constant reminder of the power a little bit of kindness truly holds. And that mixed CD is still one of my favorites. Sadly, the original was mistakenly taken along with a case of my other favorite CDs one summer at camp, but not before I had it saved safely on my computer. I still turn to it when I'm in need of encouragement. Seven years later and it's encouragement still holds as strong as the first day.
These three girls will probably never fully know the depth of their impact on my life. I will never forget them and their kindness.
In the same way, if I can ever find a window to make someone feel how wonderfully, how wanted, how accepted, how important, how valued those girls made me feel that day, then why wouldn't I follow through with it? The time it would take to make it happen is so minimal when it comes to the resounding impact it leaves on a life.
Those girls inspired me that day. They inadvertently gave me a reason to live. A hope. Something to hold to. They gave me such a beautiful reminder that I am not just a meaningless shadow upon this earth, but that the life I live has purpose. That if my only purpose is to be able to make one person--just one person--breathe a little bit easier, then living every moment of this life is worth it. Even if all my life is is a bunch of ordinary days in the life of an ordinary person. Even if I never have a title to my name, an impressive resume, or an adventurous life that people envy.
I don't want to make people feel envious. I want to make them feel inspired, just like I was made to feel on that day my senior year of high school seven years ago.
So when people compliment me, when they thank me for my kindness, for my inspiration, for my encouragement, they aren't just thanking me. That gratitude belongs to these people throughout my life who took the time to fill an opportunity to make me feel like I was a life worth living. There's more than just these three girls; the list is quite extensive. If you want to know more of them, read my journals. They're all written about in those books. And just the same, their influence is carried in my heart every day  I'm still breathing.
Most people would look at me and think I'm strong enough; that I wouldn't need encouragement. So when someone takes the time out to go the extra mile to make sure the one that's encouraging gets encouraged, it stands out. Because usually, those are the ones who need it most. And most of the time, they won't even realize it until it's their.
Those are things you will never forget.

I could go on and on on this post; expounding more on kindness being unbiased, color blind, unprejudiced, open-hearted, intentional, open-minded, and numerous other things, but I'll stop it here.
Let this serve as a challenge. For you to find out for yourself how rewarding simple kindness really can be.
Who knows? You could even save a life.

"Your good intentions are killing me.

You're pouring affection over my head

I wish I was dead--I'm drowning.

Pointing my toes as far as they'll go

In some hopeful attempt to reach solid ground.

It's nowhere to be found.

Surrounded by your misunderstanding

I have nowhere left to turn

It's hard enough silencing the voices in my head

Shut yours up. I've had enough.

Just let me live.

Take your emotions out of it.

Life is uncertain

Love me enough to let me go."

Posting this here. Because if I posted it elsewhere, people would think I'm depressed.

On the contrary. I'm quite happy and content.

It seems I've finally been given a break in life.
This week things are looking up. I only wish they could stay this way...
I'm hopeful that soon, things are finally gonna happen to bring me to this state permanently like I have been striving for. But for now, I'll greatly and gratefully accept this oasis in the desert.

The Lord is about to do something big.
I couldn't  ignore it if I tried.
I know the place I'm in--this queue before--is one that potentially leaves me vulnerable. I need to stay focused. I can't let anything sway me. I have to keep my eyes forward. I have to keep my eyes on God.
He knows what He's doing. He isn't going to lead me wrong. Everything will work out, even when it seems a little tense.

His hand is all over this.

I'm supposed to be watching Grey's Anatomy right now, but I just can't bring myself to...
Okay, I guess "supposed to be" isn't the right term here.
I usually would be watching Grey's Anatomy right now, but I just can't peel myself away...
There's something here, lingering, I'm not certain, but I can't ignore it.
And I most certainly don't want it to go away.
I don't necessarily want to be here. I want everything to happen that's supposed to be changing my life into a fairy tale. But we all know it doesn't happen that easily, right?
After all, I'm not Cinderella. Heck, I don't even have a step mother. I do have a half sister, but I haven't heard from her in 20 years so I don't think that counts. And even so, the memories I have of her are good ones, so that doesn't exactly constitute as "evil."
So what do I do about this? There's plenty I could do for work, too, but I can't bring myself to...
There's something else here lingering.
Really, I want to be asleep. But, that's not an option. Even if it was, the air may be too thick for it.
So... that still leaves me here... searching...
Longing, wanting, yearning to fill whatever this hunger is inside of me.
But if nothing feels "right" then what exactly am I to do about this?
I was taught that if you don't feel peace anywhere else, then don't move until you do.
That's why I'm here... even though this doesn't necessarily feel like peace, per say.
Maybe that's just preparing me for whatever is ahead. Cautioning me that change is coming. To not get too comfortable. To just sit back and trust.
It's not always gonna be easy, this life, but that doesn't mean we don't have to enjoy it. Even on the days that are less pleasant.
One day all of this will prove worth it. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Now I wish I could sleep...

I'm really looking forward to dance classes this summer.
We all get to stay for the advanced class, and she's doing a specific pointe class that I get to stay for even though I'm not on pointe. It's really gonna help get me there.
I'M PUMPED

"It's kinda like, you don't know what hunger is if you always have food. You don't really understand hunger if you're always full. sometimes we just gotta understand hunger. We gotta go through rough stuff to really learn how good God really is."

Just wrote that to a kid I'm talking to on facebook chat.
Super random
Clearly God-ordained.

That one hit me after I wrote it.
That's why sometimes God allows us to go through really rough seasons. One's where comforts and loves are taken away. So we can truly understand what we're missing. And what is really important.

Ya know, I've been in a funk of sorts for a few weeks now.
And I don't really care that I'm here.
Today, though, it started feeling really lonely
But I didn't know who I even wanted.
I couldn't really think of anyone
No one that could get this complexity in me.
And I was okay with that. Content.

I got a text. From a dear friend of mine.
Hadn't heard from her in a while, but she needed to get something off her chest.
No matter what, no matter where we are, or where life takes us, we know we can always text each other.
We'll be there.
And I realized.
Until whatever I'm on the brink of happens,
I'm not alone.
When no one else gets me, when I find myself in this dark place. When the only thing that makes sense is seclusion, she meets me there.
So I can get through these dark times
These times when nothing makes sense.
These transition times when my heart is ahead of my reality.

that is a cherished friend.

Where we gonna go from here?

I'm in the place I remember as feeling safe.
And safe it is, I know it's not where I belong.
And the place I return to, I don't belong there either.
Nothing feels completely safe.
Safety is in the thing I don't yet know.
In that place.
My heart knows it. My soul knows it. My spirit knows it.
My reality doesn't.
So, where do I go from here?
It seems I'm at a dead end
At least for my abilities.
And I keep stepping, in the faith that something will appear soon.
So far, no breakthrough.
I'm trying not to think too much about it
Not talk about it.
But, I can't escape it entirely.
I want so badly to take control. To do something for the sake of doing
But--deep down--I know better.

So I'll try to sleep
And hope my dreams give me some sort of relief.

dang, self.

Just randomly stumbled upon one of my old posts.
It was from march of 2011.

About change. And God. And life. And how we can trust.
A beautiful analogy, really.

So here I am, in April of 2013.
Reading this post like I've never seen it before in my life.
Learning from it.
Being encouraged by it.

Then, I realize.
I wrote it.
Why can't I remember all these things when I need them?

I guess that's the beauty of writing.
Writing down these life lesson tid-bits when they seem simple
So they'll be there when you need them down the road.
Investing now to help yourself later.

Kinda cool, if you think about it.

I feel like I'm suffocating.

And I don't know what to do about it. 

I don't even want to make this post. Because I don't want certain people to read it. And get all concerned. There's nothing to be concerned about.

I just don't understand where I am and why.
Why I can't just be alone. Why won't people leave me alone?
People are starting to get too personal, and it's making me feel like I'm going to implode.

I just want people to leave me alone, is that too much to ask?
I'm not saying I want to be alone. No, there's a difference.
I want to be left alone.
There are people who you can be with, who don't ask the personal questions. Who can just live and enjoy that life with you. Nothing deep.
I don't want deep right now.
Not from most people.
I want to be left alone.

Myspace.

Every year around this time, I find myself in a funny place.
It hasn't been so bad the last couple of years, but this year hit hard.

Going through old myspace messages, I stumbled upon this.

" you just have to KNOW that HE writes your life .... not you."

Dang, Space. You hit the nail on the head.

One thing I really love about this friend.
I've known her for a while. We can go months and months without talking.
I need something? I can call.
I need prayer? I can text her.
I need advice? Holla atcha girl.
I need blunt honest truth? She's my first thought.

That's what I've always valued about her.
She tells me the truth, even when it isn't what I want to hear.
Forget feelings.
She loves me enough to not let those stop her.

She inspires me everyday.
And I'm super grateful to have her in my life.

Thought of the evening.

If I can't control it, then it's not dependent upon if I'm good enough or not.

I've hit another wall.
When I thought all that could go wrong did, more goes wrong.
Isn't it always that way?
But that's okay.
I feel pretty defeated
Deep down, I know I'll rise from this.

After all, you have to pull back an arrow before it can be launched, right?

Reasons why my current life is awesome

1.) Today I didn't put on make up, or even my contacts for work. I don't see anyone, so this is an option
2.) I can roll out of bed and wear that to work. I don't see anyone, so this is an option
3.) I can eat chocolate cake at 7:23am if I want to
4.) If I don't want to shave my legs, no one cares
5.) Those drizzly days that make you not want to get out of bed happen, at the time I'm just getting into bed.
6.) I live with a family that has a passion for cooking
7.) My boss is avid about making sure I can make dance class
8.) I don't have to park on the street anymore
9.) I don't wear shoes 95% of the day
10.) I don't have finals to worry about

Now, before you get jealous of any of these, I challenge you to make your own list.
If I wanted to I could make a list of reasons why my current life is miserable, but why would I want to think about that? It would just make me all depressed and stuff. And honestly, you wouldn't like me like that.
So you're welcome.
hah.
But no, for real.
Every part of your life can be wonderful. Whether you're where you want to be or still on your way or feel completely stagnant.
There's beauty to be seen if you'll simply look around you.

If you can't find any, then eat cake at an ungodly hour, just to be so daring.
It makes you feel alive.
Making a decision just because you want to is freeing.

So much is going on all at once.
In this season of transition and learning, I find myself wanting and desiring to be alone.

Don't get me wrong, I love people.
I love my friends, very dearly.

But there's so much going on in my head and heart that can't easily be understood by people.
I don't even understand it, I just can't shake it.

I feel responsible for how it is affecting friendships. Which I don't necessarily like. But I know I can't do anything about it. It is what it is. I gotta hold to the hope that it'll make sense eventually.
So, to help it, I'd rather stay by myself. That way I don't try and make something out of nothing. I'm not disappointed when things aren't how they used to be or how I would expect. I don't have any expectations from people, and I don't feel obligated to try and explain the thing that I can't put into words.

Apparently when I write, it shows on my face. And people tend to ask me if I'm okay.
This is frustrating. It throws me off.
Another reason I should just be alone.

I had intended for this post to go a bit differently. To say more. To better explain.
I can't do this with other people in the room.
I feel exposed.

Not that exposure is bad, but this is something I need to keep to myself. I need to protect it.

I miss how things used to be. I'm hopeful for what lies ahead, but trying to balance everything through this transition--however long it may be--proves to be rather difficult.

new.

2013.
Honestly, I didn't realize it was already here.
Who does that?
How did this pass by me?

At the same time, I think this is my year.
2012 was hell.
People have no clue, really.
But, ya know what, sometimes we gotta go through the tough stuff
If for no other reason but to learn we're capable of going through them.

Things are already started to look up.

I have a lot of things to get done.
Moving.
New job.
Best friend getting married.
But, you know what.
I think this is my year.

I don't know why, but I can feel it.
This year is going to be different.
I'm gonna face it head-on
And watch in amazement of all the beautiful things that come from it.