mind mush.

Sometimes I find myself wishing I was more like other people.
They seem so happy
Their life must be so much fun.

Funny. That's what I've been told some people think about me.

But, surely their life doesn't have as much seemingly pointless drama as mine does.
All this exhausting nonsense sucking the day of it's beauty.
I try my hardest to not waste a day on something so small, but my heart gets in the way.
And before you know it, I'm drained. And want to crawl into my introverted hole and stay there.
With ice cream.
Blue Bell Rocky Mountain Road, to be exact.
Curled up in a ball, wrapped in my favorite blanket
Watching Grey's Anatomy. Season 8.
Or really, any of the episodes where something drastic happens.
So that way, maybe what you feel with be justified.
Except that it's just a TV show, but you don't tell yourself that.

Why can't I be confident? Why can't I just let all of this roll off my shoulders and go on with life?
I've tried. Believe me, I've tried.
I'm actually way better than I used to be.
Honestly, I don't want to care.
I want to blare Icona Pop from my speakers as I drive over the bridge and not into it.
Enjoy my days while I have them.

So if this is my mantra, why is my heart still so heavy?
Maybe there's something yet to be that will warrant all of these emotions.
Maybe it'll give me a reason to be so lethargic.
Because I really don't want it to be because of all this.

I miss the stage.
You could be a million different people and no one would question you.
But here, I have a reputation to uphold.
Not that I want to go out and get drunk, and party til I can't remember, and mess around with whoever I want.
Heck no.
I don't want to be stupid.
I just want to be able to be who I want to be, and not have people try and tell me I'm not spiritual enough.
Or that I'm not a godly person.
Or that, "And she calls herself a Christian."
Or the "look at her, she thinks she's so much better than us. But look at her..."
yatta yatta yatta.
It's not even so much the issue looming over my head.
It's the unknown conversation happening behind me.
I don't know what they're going to say.
What they're thinking.
What opinions they have.

Why should I care?
I think this over like I can do anything else about it.
I need to leave it where the conversation may or may not be happening.
Behind me.

So why won't this sinking feeling go away?
Maybe it's unrelated to that past issue.
Maybe that's the only thing I have to pin it to, so I'm conveniently doing so.

I need something to happen in my life.
Something that makes all of this worth it.
I need something that is so bright that I don't even notice the shadow of all my troubles.

I have to hold on to the hope I have.
That some day, all these times now that don't make sense will.
And that if I just hold out, then it'll all be worth it.
It has to be.
I've come too far for it not to be.

Let's do this.