observation.

I drove past this specific landmark today.
I pass it every day on my drive home.

Every day.

I see it at least 5 days a week.

It's easy to recognize in the city.
It's been there as long as I can remember.

Today, it caught my eye.

In front of the Methodist church on Shoreline/Ocean drive, there's this statue of Jesus on the boat, calming the storm.
A lot of people just refer to it as the "Jesus statue"
If you stop and look at it, you'll notice words engraved on the side.
I've seen them before, but can't remember them word for word.
Today, as I was driving by it yet again, my eye focused on part of it.

"Jesus said, 'Take heart...'"
It says more of the scripture, but that struck me.

I don't need the rest.
All I need to know is that the Lord of the universe, the One who created everything, even me and my complexities, who makes the flowers bloom and the rain fall, that He tells me to simply "take heart." To have hope, to trust Him, to not give up...
If He says it, I know it's meant.

<3 p="p">

There are tons of things I need to learn
Tons I don't understand.
Sometimes my brain feels overwhelmed.
But, I keep going.

Sometimes I don't know why, yeally.
But I can't not.

I'm really hoping that soon, things will start to look up.
I'm at a place--a really good place, considering--where the place I'm at is what it is.

There are tons of dreams I have, tons of hopes I want to happen, tons of thoughts...
Holding them all for no seeming reason is getting difficult.

But, I have found home.
It's wherever that place is where my heart feels peace.
Be it in the dance studio, on m floor, little moments with people, lightning storms, whatever.

Those are the things I'll never forget.

They say scent is the biggest memory trigger.

I wish you could control it.
Today a lady walked in, and the smell she brought with her brought memories I haven't thought about in years
Hit me like a ton of bricks.
I had to hold back tears.
so sudden...

She smelt like the house of friends of my parents.
The husband has since passed away.
He was one of my dad's best friends
I remember, he didn't cry that day.
My dad rarely cries...
I thought for sure this one would get him.
So many memories at their house all growing up.

I just wasn't expecting it.
My head is still spinning.

She told me:

you're like an artist.
When most people speak, they speak in black and white. But your words are like strokes of so many different colors. When I speak to you, I walk away with the whole picture, not just bits and pieces. It's beautiful.

Last month was rough.
Had it's victories and defeats.
And left the start of October with my head swirling.

But now, I'm taking my life back.
I'm doing what I need to for me.
I'm finding my center again.
Defining these lines.
Taking off the blinders.

It's not gonna be easy.
At all.
But it'll make me a better person.
So all the pain is worth it.

The Lord has been exploding my heart to things my mind can't even imagine.
And I'm so excited for it.
And humbled.
And honored.
And just every good emotion you can feel.

It's gonna be good.

Everything is happening so fast.
And I think my spirit knows more than my mind.

I want to fast forward past the next month
But, at the same time, I want to enjoy every moment of goodness in this madness.
Everything is changing.
But, it's not really bad.
I just can't let myself get overwhelmed that it's all different.

Right now, I just wish I knew where my journal from last year is...
I thought we unpacked all the boxes!

It's whatever.

I thought about writing in this blog.
But when I put my fingers to the keys, I can't bring myself to do it.

So many thoughts, so much emotion...
I've been here before
Numerous times.
And nothing good ever came out of it.
And I always ended up being to blame.

I just wish I knew what to do
How to fix this
How to stop caring.
How to not be afraid.
But I can't seem to figure that out.
So, it's just whatever.

©

My pen is heavy with words that want to be written.
Fingers aching to guide the ink across the page in hopes my heavy heart may become a little lighter.
No amount of ink could fill enough pages to shake the heaviness that haunts me.
What's this I speak of being haunted?
Surely someone with a smile of sunshine knows nothing of the sort.
There's no way I can know of such darkness.
Right?
Believing this would be your demise.
My entire life is about dark versus light.
Most of these are fought in silence.
Why speak of them?
Not many want to hear a story of such sorrow.
I'll just write instead.
Immortalizing my story to those who care to read it.
Instead of forcing it upon ears that let it fall to the floor.
I refuse to whore my speech around.
Not anymore.
I run my fingers over the words spilled across this page.
They are as real and alive as I am.
This fight is real.
This pain is real.
And soon the victory will be real.

I created a new blog.
About the lessons in life I learn through Ballet class.

I already have a bajillion blogs, so I was hesitant to create yet another one.
But this was something very important to me that I wanted to express.
It'll probably become my second most frequent blog to post on after this one.

I saw that it had 4 views.
How?
No one I know knows of it yet.
That I know of, at least...
So, I kinda skimmed around the new features of the website
I still haven't gotten to play around on it yet, most of my posts have been on my phone and, frankly, I don't know if they make it to the blog or not.
I found some statistic thing that tells you how many views you have, broken down into different time periods, and now even broken down into region most reached.
3 views were from Russia and one was from Germany.

Really?
People in Russia and Germany are reading my blog?
I'm just a plain-Jane girl from a tiny town in Texas that has too many thoughts for my brain so I decide to paste them all over the internet via this blog in hopes that my friends won't get to sick of hearing them so much.
hah. That made me laugh... Super long run on sentence...
anyway.

It was pretty cool, to think that little ol' me has a connection to someone's life on the other side of the world.
People I have never met.
Who knows what walk of life they lead?

So, even though it's just 4 people, that they could be perverted men drooling over the library keyboard for all I know, I still feel a sense of influence.
Like, maybe the things I say do have a purpose or a reason.
That maybe these words matter.
Sure, not all of them will.
I mean, come on, I ramble.
A lot.
But maybe, just maybe, something will stick.
Maybe these words will one day mean something to someone
Make them feel a little more normal.
Maybe they are from a big city on the other side of the world, feeling alone in the crowd. A "small town celebrity" of sorts where everyone knows their name but no one knows their heart.
'Cause, in a sense, that's me.
Except that I have a few that are willing to see my heart.  Which is invaluable in my book.

anyway.
I'm watching dance moms.
I want fried chicken.
These are my confessions

:)

I need to learn to be okay by myself.
I'm in a really difficult place right now, and I know I just have to push through it.
It's hard when the one thing you know you can do for someone is nothing at all.
At the same time, I feel selfish. That I asked. That I feel like I can ask things of the people that are also hurting. Granted, it kinda all fell in spaced out timing. Still, I can't help but feel badly.
I want to help. I want to fix it. I don't even know how to fix myself.
I don't know what I need. And life doesn't stop to let you figure it out.
I'm conflicted.
I'm conflicted on a few different parts of life.
nothing really seems clear or certain.
At the same time, I feel selfish.
I feel like a jerk. For not appreciating what I do have. For not understanding. For not being more sensitive.

I wish I knew what to do.
so I'm gonna sleep...

these days.

It seems that I'm always learning new things.
Things all over the spectrum.
I'm really grateful for it. It really feels like I'm starting to get back to a point I was at that I long to return to...
It's a long time coming...
Lots of tears, vulnerability, walls being town down, questions, doubt... many more things all laced in between.
Still feel like I'm learning. I hope to never stop. but there are many more things that are coming up.
We're getting to the difficult stuff.

My Pastor asked me if I could lead a Bible study next fall... I was kinda shocked. I've never been asked to do that. Actually, I have, but I was asked because they needed someone and I'm a giver. This time he asked me not just because they need someone, but because he believes I am capable...
I actually hesitated, because I didn't think I was. I mean, I think I am, but I questioned it.
So, now, I'm going to be leading a group of girls. A group of my peers. A group I was just among. What set me apart?

So now, here I am.
I feel like I'm getting somewhere. I finally feel like I'm not dragging.

Then I come across a really hard scenario. Where my progress comes across wrong... It's a hard thing because I want to keep progressing, but I don't want to hurt people...

I was told, "It's just that it seems that Christ just emanates from you."
Biggest compliment pretty much ever.
But it held some weight to it.

I just want people to see that I'm not perfect.
That this isn't because of a certain amount of time of dedication
Or that I'm something super special.
Everything I am is obtainable by anyone who wants it
And more.
Compared to some of my friends, I'm behind. I could be better. I'm even considered a failure.
But I'm me. And I follow my own convictions and the voice of God.
That's about all you can really do. Especially in this day and age... you have so many voices in your head and all around you, it can make you doubt everything you know. Sometimes makes you doubt if you even hear the voice of God. But you have to stick to what you know. Run with it, even if it doesn't make sense. Even if you're clueless. Even if you're curled up on the floor crying until your eyes ache.
Just keep going. Even on days you doubt. Even on days you feel like you're taking no ground. Even on days it feels pointless. We all have those days.

Keep going. Do what you know. If you feel like you fall behind, just take a breather. You don't have to stay there. It's okay. You're human.

Welcome to the club.
We're gonna make it

Idaho has my heart

I don't even know how to begin to find words to form to say everything on my heart.
It's far too much.
I have found myself in a new place. One that I have a hard time explaining, mainly because it takes too many words to do so which most people wouldn't want to sit through, but also it takes no words at all.

It's as if a light switched that was off has been flipped on.

Simply put: I am new.
Not that the old me was bad, but it's nothing like the new.
There were things I needed to shed. Ideas I needed to lose, fears I needed to silence, truths I needed to believe.
But you see, I couldn't do this on my own.

I went to Idaho this last week to take pictures of a dear friend of mine's wedding.
Going in to the trip I found myself very nervous...
I was fearful because even though I loved my friends deeply, I wasn't sure if things would be awkward. We have always been friends, but not as close as one would hope. Time and distance does this, which is understandable. It wasn't bad, but I thought of it as not the best. I don't know how to explain this, and it's not important anyway.
I got there and noticed myself reacting differently than I expected. Differently than I normally would in this situation. Maybe it was the fact that I had just taken 3 strangers in on the great adventure to even get to Idaho and made 3 new friends I'll probably never see again. Beats me.
Even as I proceeded to meet The Roommates. These are the girls I knew are dear friends of Ambrelle's. My roommate always talked so highly of them, so I automatically felt comfortable with them. I usually am really quiet and awkward in super new situations like this. This time, I was the "awkward extrovert" where I talk more than anyone cares to listen to.
But I didn't care.

That was new to me.
I didn't care what was thought of me.
Not over analytically, like usual.
I wasn't evaluating every persons every move and motive to process and assume their opinion of me.
And I'm so glad I wasn't. That's exhausting.
It helped that a friend of mine said, "You know you're loved? And you're wanted here?"
She later challenged me without even realizing it with, "why don't you just be yourself?"
Who am I, anyway?
What defines me?

These girls showed me something I never realized I was missing.
Hearing them pray in tongues over Ambrelle left me amazed.
I missed that.
I longed for it, without even realizing.
This left me stuck. but not a bad stuck.
Just in a place of reevaluation.
Where is my life? What do I value most? Who is most important to me? What does this say about who I am?
Needless to say, there was a shift.

I am new.
I didn't come back the same way I left.
I realized I had been in a drought of sorts. Being in the company of those girls helped me see this. That my life holds more potential than I'm letting it do. That I need to change in order to grow.

I was a little nervous to address my best friend about this.
You see, the last time something like this happened, best friend at the time didn't understand and things blew up. It was a very difficult time and took a lot to heal from that. I didn't want to have to go through it again.
But it's as if I felt the Lord asking me, "If I asked you to give up Ashley, would you?"
well... would I?
If that's what stood between God and I, would I give her up?
Now this wasn't as hard of a decision as Abraham offering up Issac on the altar, but it held the same significance. She is the most important relationship in my life (after my family, of course) and I can't let her take the place of God Himself.
So I'm faced with a decision.
And I said, "yes, yes I would... and I'd trust that things would be okay. Because even though they've sucked sometimes, I've always been okay."
Well, wouldn't you know we sat in my room for hours last night. Just sharing our hearts.
Turns out God had opened her eyes to so many things for herself. We both found ourselves saying "I don't have to worry about you anymore" about each other, which was such relief.
It may not make sense. Actually, I can almost guarantee it doesn't. But it doesn't need to.
Last night was a night for the books. One I'll never forget as long as I'm alive. One of those moments that will outlive me.
One that brings my heart such peace. So much that I can't even explain it.
I felt like the Lord was preparing me. That all the things I've been praying for and waiting for for years and years and years, things that have only seemed like imagination are starting the happen. The ball is rolling. That it's all gonna accelerate from here and I need to be ready.
This isn't a dream. This is reality.
I have the friend I'd always hoped for. The living situation I've always dreamed of. My family is succeeding and taken care of. I have faith and confidence in myself. I have a great support system around me to help support and cultivate my dreams.

The Lord has blessed me indeed.
Idaho inspired me, and there's no going back.

My heart is overflowing. I have no words

oh, you know, that moment when you feel absolutely ridiculous so all you do is cry on your bedroom floor because you don't know what else to do.
What's worse is knowing that you knew better. That it would turn out the way it did. Even preparing for the inevitable, and then it twists to still be the inevitable, but in ways that cut deeper.
And it's all part of the lesson you're supposed to be learning.
No? Just me?
well then, just carry on as usual.
Nothing to see here.

sigh.

Oh these lessons in life.
I'm grateful to be learning.
These are just the difficult ones
You know, the ones that go deep down to the very root.
Challenging ways I've lived my entire live and trying to reroute and re mold it all.
It's difficult.
Even more so knowing that I have to learn it alone.
Not that I don't have people more than willing to be here for me
That's just part of the lesson.
Honestly, I hate it.
I don't want to be in this.
I don't want to have to learn all of this. I want to fast forward. And if I can't do that, I want to hide until it's over.
Why does it have to be like this? Why do I have to learn this way? It hurts. It's not easy.
Exactly.
Without pain, there wouldn't be much learning, now would there?
no.
So when the voices scream in my ear, telling me I'm nothing, I'm not loved, I'm worthless, I'm a failure, I'm forgotten and replaced. Trying to convince me that I'm completely alone. That I'll always be alone. That no one cares that I'm still here
I can fight.

I need to grow in confidence.
A seemingly simple lesson, yes.
Yet, here I am.
Sometimes I wonder if this is really my lesson to be learned, or just pain being bestowed upon me and covered up with "you need to change"
but, I don't think that's the case.
Regardless, it does me good to get better.
I'm paranoid. That needs to stop.
Where did my trust go? Where is my confidence?
My ability to sit in a room all alone and not be freaking out or anxious or completely crushed.
Things need to change.
I just wish I fully knew and understood how.

*shrug*
oh well

Learning

I know life is one extended learning process, but I'm really learning here lately.
Usually my life lessons come with the guidance of a friend, holding my hand, telling me I'll be okay.
This time around, here lately, I've been realizing that I don't have that luxury anymore. And I think that is the lesson.
Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of friends willing to hold my hand and reassure me, but I'm just not allowed to use it this time. There's certain things I can't disclose to be able to get the help of a friend.
So, here I am. On my own.
But it's good. I need to learn it.

I still don't feel 100% settled. It'll probably help whenever I'm fully moved over here, but then again, will it?
I don't know.
I don't know what I need to make myself feel settled.
I tell myself that I need to take time just for me. Get stuff done, just be.
But, when I try and do that, I'm longing so much to be with the people I care about most.
Maybe it's the fact that I don't really have a set schedule. And that right now is a little more intense because of how busy  my schedule is.
Heck, I don't know.

What I do know is that I have life, and I want to live it.
I want to be afraid less, I want to love more.
I want to learn.
I want to cry when I'm sad, and laugh when I'm amused
No apologies.

oh, life. you're so funny.
all these twists. unknowns. randoms.
hahahahahahaha
of course, on a week like this.
what am I to do?
what do you get when you cross a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino?
hellephino!

I feel like this new step holds more than I realize.
Change usually all happens at once for me--more than one thing changing at a time.
But this one seems difference.

It's like I'm staring my past in the face and screaming, "You don't define me."
I have my "adult" job, now.
And even though it is scaring the crap out of me, it feels right.
Like there's something in this that I can't see but that I need to learn for whatever God has for me next.
It's kinda cool, actually.
To know that even though I don't understand why I'm here, I can rest in the fact that He does.
I mean, I've done things I didn't understand several times before
But this time I'm actually resting in the fact that He holds my heart.

I love it.
and I'm more grateful than words can ever say for the friends I have in my life.
they have encouraged me so much today as I was so nervous. It brought me to tears multiple times.
I don't think they realize what I was experiencing and what their encouragement really did for me.

oh, life. you're so silly.
But you're a flower about to bloom.

I'm Naked.

I'm naked, and I like it.
Let me explain.

Things I've posted on here about things I'm learning I need to change in myself; I have learned when I post about them here, it sets.
Being naked--being completely honest about my faults and shortcomings--really shows me ways to fix them.
Example. I once posted about how I lacked confidence. That post comes back to me every time I feel like I don't have any. That there's nothing good to me. I remember what God had showed me that I posted about, and I remember a comment my friend posted encouraging me. And I trust that what he says is true. Now, I have way more confidence, and it shows. And I am so grateful.

So what am I learning now?
Fear is stupid.
What is the point? I get myself all worked up and terrified about something that is completely in my head. I know it's not true, I know it's not going to happen, and even if it did, it wouldn't be new and I know the Lord is never going to fail me. So what is there really to be afraid of?
Same with control. I always want to have control of situations, and be prepared and do all I can. Sometimes, there's going to be nothing I can do. Nothing but trust.
This was easier said than understood.
But yesterday I did all my 5-year-old crying (those of you who know me know that this is a new thing to me. I don't usually cry. Long story on that) and today I'm able to see the areas I need to improve in, how to do that, where I'm wrong, and where I just have to trust.
And that not knowing everything, not having it all together... that's okay. I don't have to.
So, I'm being naked about all that, in hopes it sinks in and takes root, and that the next time I'm scared out of my wits and want to desperately take control, I'll remember that all I really need to do is take a step back and evaluate what is fact, what is fear, and where I need to just trust.
God has never failed me, why would He now?
I can't say that about anyone else. I'd say that makes His reputation a pretty awesome one.

it's funny how my life works.
I'm a different breed, that's for sure.
I like to plan, but I almost never get to.
I'll be here...
waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting...
...waiting... waaaaaiting....
waiting, waiting, waitBAM! Answer!
then I'm so uncertain because what I was waiting for happened so suddenly.
hah
I should be used to it.
Even though this seems like a crazy way to live,
I wouldn't have it any other way

my dear friend Megan Mounce sent me a scripture that in the Message version hit me across the face.
" He didn't tiptoe around God's promise asking cautiously skeptical questions. He plunged into the promise and came up strong, ready for God, sure that God would make good on what he had said. "


Romans 4:20
ironic that it's 4:20, too.
I'm gonna be clinging to this one, for sure

I should know by now that talking is pointless.
People will fail you.

now I'm more confused than before.
Whatever.
Self-preservation mode is in full swing.

oh, life, you're so funny...

But even amongst the crappy things that make me want to cry and the stupid people making me almost lose my Christianity (if you know what I mean) there are still the things that make you worth living.

Like, a manager who understands, people as happy to see you as you are to see them, a milk man who brings you breakfast, and friends who love you even though you're messier than a pig in mud.

And there's the hope that not all days are like this.

well
It appears as though the Lord is teaching me a lot of things at once.
What I hate is that I'll see and understand the concept, and just as quickly sink right back into the thinking that made me so upset that the Lord showed me what was causing it.
So, if I have a solution, a reasoning, why would I go right back to the same thinking that got me there?
Because, of course, in my mind, there always has to be some way that it's my fault. Or something to where if I don't do enough then something bad and hurtful will happen.
Because that's all I've known.

I've had "speaker's remorse" recently. Talking to someone I trust, and even mid sentence, I'm sitting there questioning why I opened my mouth. It's a defense mechanism of sorts. Explaining to them or getting their feedback to try and show that I have things together before they can ask me about it. If it's gonna be known, I want my side known. But what the heck is that? seriously? What is my deal? I don't owe anyone an explanation of anything, really. I guess I feel that since I know people can see something is up, that I have to explain in detail. When in fact, I don't have to say anything if I don't want to.

I thought about journaling. But I want to wait until the morning, because I know I won't make it through all the details before I get too tired to continue. Hence this blog.
This blog won't see all the details, but for some reason the different facets of expression get out different views. So, it's kinda helping me see and understand.
I guess because I know this one is exposed, I write while having a little voice speaking to me in my head. Because in reality, anyone who reads this can comment to me about it. So, I kinda hear it in advance.
Pastor Micah talked about Love not being envious.
I never really thought too much into this, into the detail of what the word envy really means and what depth it holds.
Duh duh nah! There's my answer! The reasoning for what all I've been dealing with.
I've been fighting feelings of envy. That mixed with fear and control issues, it's not pretty. Causes a lot of dark and twistys.
Needless to say, I've got a lot of thoughts to sort out. I need to be able to remember all this and dismiss all the opportunities I have to get all upset and worked up thrown at me.

I can trust God. I know I can. He's never let me down.
I know He knows what He's doing. I know He's guiding my life. So why am I afraid? I have nothing to fear.
My friends love me. They do. They want me in their lives. They value me. I'm irreplaceable.
I wish I could remember this, retain it.

I wish I could take a day or two to collect myself. Solitary confinement of sorts--no expectations, no pressure, nothing being thrown at me to get me down. Regain and rebuild my confidence and relearn the facts. That way "attacks" can be easier to understand and handle.
I wish I knew how to respond to people, how to act and react when I feel like this. When it's more obvious that I'm going through something... Because I don't like showing it, but I don't like being fake. And I know people can't really ever fully understand. And I know that this is why I tend to cling to those who do understand a little more... because they're so rare.
If wishes could be fishes....

But, God is still good.
He is teaching me. He hasn't given up on me. He's walking through these lessons with me.
All I have to do is just trust.
It's that easy.

Fact

I almost posted something before this post.
a few days ago.

But I couldn't bring myself to publishing what I was thinking.
So, I just closed the window.

Some things are just better left a mystery.

Control.

A lot of the stuff God is digging up in my life recently has to do with control.
My desire to have it.
My need to let it go.
And everything in between...

Today, a dear friend of mine came in to the shop. I've gotten to know her from working at coffee waves. I absolutely love her, she is very dear to me. Her mom is absolutely precious, and it brightens my day anytime they come in.
Today was extra special, because recently, my dear friend had to have brain surgery. I was so bummed that I couldn't go see her in the hospital, but part of the reason was the fact that she got released so quickly, which is good :)
Talking to her mom, she described the whole ordeal. The seizure, catching the tumor early, the scar--everything that goes in to these sort of things. Now, I've read plenty of blogs from people going through difficult things like this. It seems to be the cool thing to do. The stories are ones of sadness, as well as strength.
This one just hit closer to home. It put it all into perspective.
She told me how Syd joked about dying when they did the surgery. Laughing as she said, "change my status to 'Chillin' with Jesus'" Anita let out a slight chuckle and said, "It killed me to hear you joke like that!" It was a light hearted moment. Then, when it was just Anita and I, she told me. "That was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through."
It's like everything God has been trying to teach me all fell into place with that one statement.
What Anita must have felt as a mother, seeing her baby girl have to endure such a scary and risky thing, unsure of the outcome. Syd was a trouper though. There wasn't one ounce of fear in her little body. There never is. It's one of the awesome things about her. One of the ways I aspire to be more like her. Syd knew everything would be okay. But, she also had her mom taking the brunt of the battle. Anita has a greater understanding of the risks and possibilities to things like this. She has to watch and wait as the whole thing goes on. That's enough to drive any normal person. She told me how she really had to encourage herself and read scriptures to remind herself that everything was going to be okay.
And it was. And it is. Everything is okay.
In the moment, during the process, everything doesn't seem okay. And you have a choice. You can freak out, give up, and you can try to fix and hold everything together. But that's not gonna work.
Anita learned the depth of a powerful lesson. The benefits of trusting in God, that He will do the things He's promised us that He will. There was no sense in worrying, no sense in getting all worked up, trying to figure it all out. God has everything under control... we don't have to worry about a thing...

Now, I don't have a brain tumor, but the lesson is the same here.
I need to let go of control and trust God. He knows what He's doing. He has everything under control. It is all going to be just fine. Worry is stupid.
This isn't just a thing you can know and never fight again. Like Anita did, I have to keep encouraging myself in it. But if I do that, and trust that He's gonna handle everything, He will. And I save myself a lot of stress.

What a beautiful fact. <3

 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." 
Psalm 119:105


"Let My words--My promises, your trust in Me--guide you.

I hate that I get jealous and territorial.
I hate that I can't seem to find contentment.
I hate that I let these things bother me
That I let them consume my thoughts.

I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin
That I'm going to explode from the inside out
Like any move I make in any direction will be the wrong one.

I just want to "be" where I am
Not wishing I was somewhere else
Be there. While I'm there. Enjoying the moments I have.
I don't want my mind to be consumed with wishes and regrets and fears.

I need to figure out how to shake this.
I need confidence.
I need contentment.
I need to learn to trust...

Things have been downloading pretty heavily on me recently.
In a good way.
The moments I have are being filled in beautiful ways
Ways I couldn't express my gratitude for enough

I want to make and create as much as I can.
I'm looking up new patterns for blankets
Because these things will be here waaay longer than I will.
It's difficult, but I want to try and conquer this task. It's important to me.
But, now that it's burning on my heart, I have to wait.
which, I don't like.
But that's okay.
Cause a few hours isn't anything.

It'll be worth it. And awesome.

The past few days, it seems that everyone is complimenting me.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love it--it's really nice to have people make you feel loved and appreciated and like you matter and mean something--it just strikes me as odd that so many people are all doing this at once.
I feel almost like a celebrity.

I'm not that big of a deal. I'm really nothing. The only thing that's good in me is Christ.

I do sincerely cherish every single one of these comments and compliments... I have even been writing them down. I wish they were in writing so I could hang them around my room. I may write them down myself and hang them around my room anyway.

<3

Truth.

I never know how to answer the question
"what have you been up to lately?"
or anything similar to it.

I usually lie.
But I'm always wondering if they see right through me.

the ironic timing of these songs still surprises me.
I'll either know what it is before it plays
be singing the line right before the song even starts
think "this song should come on next" and it does
have a thought with a line similar to the one in the song right before it starts
be thinking about the topic of the song before the song.

tonights?

If I die young.

I'm not sure what to think.
I'm not sure what to feel.
As soon as I find myself getting confident, everything I was confident about gets thrown in my face.
Out of no where.
So, I sit here.
Completely clueless.

And I hate it, because I can't hide it.
And everyone seems to like to ask me questions
and want to know why I'm not okay
And I don't want to tell everyone
I want to be invisible.

But, that's impossible.
And I can't just hide, because I have responsibilities.

I want to scream.
I want to scream until my throat is sore.
I want to know what in the world is going on and what I can do to fix it
I want to know what's okay and what's not
What's me and what's other people.
What's acceptable, what's just being tolerated and what I need to fix.

When did life get this complicated?
I hate this feeling that I'm fighting.
It's ugly.
Probably green.
With red eyes.
And it's relentless.
No amount of sleep and chocolate seems to be able to fix it
Tears seem pointless, too.
but crying is about all I can do right now.







sigh.

I should stop thinking.

I think I am fighting depression.
Not that I am depressed, because I'm not
But I am fighting it.
And I think it is the hardest when I think too much.
I can get really discouraged. Possibly because I am such a dreamer. When I "wake up" from these dreams, and I see that I merely have reality, I get discouraged. I begin to think that these dreams will never happen, that I'm doomed to always be where I am.
But I'm not.
I know this.
I have hope and I know that God doesn't fail me.
It's just some nights I can't appreciate what I have. I have to work towards it. To remind myself of the beauty I have at my disposal. And not just wish my life away.
Something I told Ashley has stuck with me,
"You should enjoy the days you have or else you'll go crazy waiting for the ones you want."
It's funny how as soon as words leave your mouth, you're tested on what you said.

So true.
So, I'm teaching myself that right now
Also trying to figure out how to take more time for myself right now instead of waiting for when it's easy.
And how to take steps to do things that make me feel better about myself.
Trying on bridesmaids dresses that show my I-once-was-fat knees takes a toll on ones confidence.

Still have to figure out how all that is gonna work.

yet, I'm hopeful.
Life is good.