sigh.

Oh these lessons in life.
I'm grateful to be learning.
These are just the difficult ones
You know, the ones that go deep down to the very root.
Challenging ways I've lived my entire live and trying to reroute and re mold it all.
It's difficult.
Even more so knowing that I have to learn it alone.
Not that I don't have people more than willing to be here for me
That's just part of the lesson.
Honestly, I hate it.
I don't want to be in this.
I don't want to have to learn all of this. I want to fast forward. And if I can't do that, I want to hide until it's over.
Why does it have to be like this? Why do I have to learn this way? It hurts. It's not easy.
Exactly.
Without pain, there wouldn't be much learning, now would there?
no.
So when the voices scream in my ear, telling me I'm nothing, I'm not loved, I'm worthless, I'm a failure, I'm forgotten and replaced. Trying to convince me that I'm completely alone. That I'll always be alone. That no one cares that I'm still here
I can fight.

I need to grow in confidence.
A seemingly simple lesson, yes.
Yet, here I am.
Sometimes I wonder if this is really my lesson to be learned, or just pain being bestowed upon me and covered up with "you need to change"
but, I don't think that's the case.
Regardless, it does me good to get better.
I'm paranoid. That needs to stop.
Where did my trust go? Where is my confidence?
My ability to sit in a room all alone and not be freaking out or anxious or completely crushed.
Things need to change.
I just wish I fully knew and understood how.

*shrug*
oh well