Quarter-Century Club

Well, here it is.
I'm twenty-five.
When I sit back and look at it from a general scope, I don't feel like I'm where I thought I would be.
I mean, what is really different about me since I was seventeen?
I haven't gone through any of the right-of-passages most have by this age.
I mean, really, I've never even been kissed. How many twenty-five year olds do you know that can say that?
I'm not married, I don't  have any kids, I don't have an impressive job, or even resume.
Shouldn't I have at least one of those checked off by now?
What would seventeen year old me say to this?
Would she be embarrassed?
Would she feel like moving forward would be hopeless?
Would she walk across that stage? Or run like emotions she suppressed told her to?
What would be the point of it all, anyway?
Has she gotten anywhere at all?

But then I think back to seventeen year old me.
More than just what the outside would tell someone.
That is when I can see how far I've come.

Even just in this last year, many things have come full circle.
I feel like I've been able to really bust out of the chains and bonds that have been holding me to who I was before.
I used to be so nervous all the time.
I was so insecure.
I was terrified of so many things;
People's opinions and perceptions of me,
How I appeared to the outsider,
If everyone liked me, and if not then why not?
Killing myself to be there for everyone else
Making sure everyone else was completely happy
Putting my dreams and ideas and hopes and everything else aside for anyone else.
Automatically accepting any thought that came in to my head, whether truth or not. If I thought it, it had to be true.
Struggling so hard to find my place.

When really, that place was in front of me the whole time.
I just had to learn how to put myself first.
I had to learn that this wasn't being selfish, that it was being wise.
I had to learn that there is a way to do that and be selfish, but that the line is one that can be identified and defined.
I had to learn to love myself; my quirks, my humor, my personality, my goals, my dreams, my fears, my desires, my dislikes, my opinions, and my love.
I had to learn how to define these things for myself, and not based upon who I was spending the most time with at the time.
I had to have the bottom fall out and learn who I truly am when push comes to shove.
I had to let everything fall apart so it would have room to come together the way it needed to be.
I had to be broken so I could be fixed. By God, and by no one else.
I had to face my fears and insecurities head on, look them in the eye and tell them, "You don't own or define me."
I had to realize that all I really have to rely on is Jesus and myself. No one else is obligated to me. If they help me, that's great. But I can't expect anyone to do anything for me. This also helped me define people in my life. Those who really love me won't have to be prodded to help. They'll do it from the goodness of their heart. If they didn't offer it, I can't require it, because then it doesn't come from goodness, it comes from obligation, and that only leaves you in a tough spot later down the line.
I had to decide to stop making excuses for things I wanted to try and accomplish, and do them simply to fill the longing deep inside.
I had to look fear in the eye until it submitted to me.
I had to see that clinging to Jesus is the best thing I can do, especially when things get hard.
I had to see and learn all of these things and more for myself.

I am a better person for it.

It took exactly twenty-five years for all of these things to be accomplished.
It took being stripped of everything to find what really is important.
It took losing everything to find that even so, God is still good and still with me and still taking care of me.
It took all of this for me to find who I am.
My core. My center.
To find myself, and truly love the person that I am.

Here I am, twenty-five.
And life is looking pretty hopeful.
I think the fight is finally over, and although I'll still have to fight every now and again, I am the person I need to be to handle and enjoy all that life has for me.

The tide has turned.
The switch has flipped.
The line has been drawn and stepped over.
With purpose.

I have signed off on the last page of the book of my first twenty-four years, and began writing on the twenty-fifth.
I'm excited to see what all it holds.
I love this life, and everything it brings.