Yeah, about that.

I was thinking of writing a post that involves discussion of something I have dealt with in my past.
Something not often discussed passed my sphere of close friends.
But I kept hesitating.
I would get nervous and very leering of talking about it.
But I want to tell people what's on my heart. I want to warn people who may be debating doing something like this. I want to help as many people as possible. It breaks my heart to know that there are people out there who will make the decisions I did and end up in this place of struggle and misunderstanding. I want to hug every single person who cries to themselves over all of this mess.

Yet I mostly keep my mouth shut.
Because when I open it, I get pity.
I get gasps of shock and unbelief.
I get empathy over something that happened under their noses years ago.
I inflict guilt. And confusion. And shock.
I get people doubting me or hating on me, which honestly is the easiest to deal with.
I'd rather have hate than pity.

So why don't I speak?
Honestly, I don't know.
If there moment arises, I will.
If someone comes across my path that needs my words, I'll speak.
But as far as being public  with it, I just can't do that yet.

Maybe because I'm still not fully "over this" or whatever.
Thrust into a pit of shock and pain and confusion and memories and voices screaming at me while people are watching my every move to see how I'll react--I can't do it.

It's harder when they're closer to you. Strangers are easier to handle.

So I sit here, quiet.
Contemplative.
Waiting.