My heart is screaming.

I see two worlds.
I couldn't change it if I tried.
When I look at people, I don't see them like normal people would.
My eyes see things differently.

I see people not for who they are, but for their potential
In which they either rise to it, or choose things that tear them down.
This is what I see.
This is how I determine how to think about people.

This weighs heavily on how I was raised.
I have seen things most people haven't
And I'm so grateful for it.

God spoke to me at 9 years old
And I haven't been the same since.
That's when this all truly began.

I've lived through my share of hell.
I know pain
I know sorrow
I know hurt
I know fear
I know all of these things.
I'm weathered.
But, despite all this
And really, through all this
I know healing
I know joy
I know strength
I know true peace.

I also know that life is short.
I've had countless people close to me die throughout my life
Mainly recently.
Some older
Some younger
Some my age.
We are not guaranteed tomorrow.
This is so cliche, but it is so true.

With that knowledge, I live my life as if today was my last.
There is only so far you can do this, but I try and do my best to be prepared for each day
I tell people I love them when I have the chance
I try not to let the sun go down on my anger
etc.

But, the point of this...
My heart breaks for you.
I look in your eyes, and I know that you know God
I know you love Him
I know you understand His power
Maybe not to it's fullest extent,
But I know you know He is powerful.
My heart aches.
Because I want to see you reach your full potential.
I don't want to see you compromise.

You life is not mine.
I can't control your decisions
But, I feel as though we are close enough to say something to you.
I promised I wouldn't get close to you
But, it seems as though it's inevitable.
And I love you too much to not say something.
I long to see you thriving
To see Christ smile over you
I know He already does
But I don't want to see Him cringe on any choice you make.

It's a simple complexity, really, this life we live.

I find myself basking in it's beauty, and dreading it's reality daily.
Like a bi-polar view.

But you have such influential power.
It's a gift.
You have the gift of influence.
You have an open mind.

You have such a big heart...
Also, a gift.
I don't want to see you hurt again.

The others, they're different...
They aren't as open as you are...
You are right there.
Truth be told, I have to make myself see them through natural eyes
Instead of through spiritual.
Because through spiritual, it makes me cry.
They are blind, to an extent...
And I just want to shake them and show them the truth
but, that doesn't always work.
So, I sit back.
And pray my life speaks
That maybe some opportunity will arise
And that grace will cover all my flaws and ways that I slip up.

So, I hope we actually get to talk about this soon...
Because you are important to me.
And I hope I can make sense.
But if not, I hope you understand my heart...
I pray I don't mess anything up.
I pray...
I pray.

I know my heart isn't fully expressed in this.
I don't think that is possible...
But that's okay.
I know I'm not meant to be understood
And that, honestly, it's quite impossible.

I'm different.
I've had to come to terms with this
And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

I try to document all I can, but I am human.
I forget
I mess up
I summarize.

That's okay.

One day, this will all make sense.
I pray you understand.