explosion

I'm at war within myself
And I don't know how to explain the fight.

I feel like breaking down.
What happened?
Nothing to me.
Friend is going through something difficult.
I can't do anything.
She's not talking to me about it, because I'm sitting right here in this public place.
She left rather upset.
She's talking to her sister and another friend.

So, I'm at war.
The war of not blaming myself
Or thinking anything is wrong with me
And also coming to the realization that my hands are tied.
That I can't help her.

I guess it makes me question a lot.
Am I too close?
Should I back off?
Should I trust people so much
Should I trust people at all.

I've been feeling simular ways that I did in high school.
Or shortly after.
I want to cut off emotions
Keep people at arms length.
Avoid this feeling
Avoid further feelings that cause hurt.

So, I'm blaring flyleaf in my earbuds as I sit in this coffee shop. I'm here 3 hours before my shift, because I got called in to make a few pans of gelato.
It's really pointless to go home.

It's like I can feel everything I've been living for
Everything pumping in my blood
Like an adrenaline rush
Flowing and flowing and making my heart race
Like I should be expecting something
Crap going wrong like it's trying to prevent it
I almost died in a car accident yesterday
I almost got into another one today
Health stuff trying to come back
Things attacking my family
Things attacking my friends
Things obviously attacking me

What do I do?
I wish I could just scream, and cry, and punch things, and let this out get this out of my system.
It's aching to come out.

What can I do
I don't think there is much.

People are starting to read it off of me
Ask me what is wrong
Or misinterpret it
Or not even ask what's wrong
Maybe they say other things...
Take a different notice than they usually do.

Something is stirring.
People are having dreams
People are being drawn to pray.
I feel this urgency.

When will this really happen?