I don't know what my deal is.

Another pointless blog.
I figure it doesn't matter if I post it, because no one reads them anyway

So, I don't know what my deal is...
I don't know if I can fully explain, because said people may end up one day reading this? I doubt it, but it is an extreme possibility? yeah, that was an oxymoron that didn't make sense...
ahhh, anyway.

I'm stuck in this rut.
There are these people that I love. They bring joy to my heart, and I just love being around them... but I'm afraid that my own stupid mindsets are getting in the way.
see... I'm deep. If I can help it, I don't know how...
I am a conglomeration of every decision I've ever made.
I've messed up, and--to me--that's okay.
And I'm pretty much an open book...
...I guess this is where it gets tricky...
I think this is where everything gets screwed up.
Cause, these people I love so dearly, they are tied to one of the only people I can't be a complete open book around.
It's taboo. Not worth the fight.
So, does that make it not worth the fight with these people I love dearly?
To understand me, you have to be open to know about things I've done.
And, see, I won't necessarily offer the information, but sometimes questions come up. And if they do, I'll answer. I'm okay with that. It helps explain who I am.
I've finally gotten to where I can do this with the youth, even knowing that said tied people where such information is taboo are in the same vicinity. They aren't around, so it's no big deal.
But with this, I don't know what to do.

It's like I don't get to plead my case.
Like I don't get my chance to be understood.
Should I care?
Should I just let this person do their thing, and not defend myself if they come against me?
Just trust that my lifestyle will tell the truth?

okay, I can do that...

But, what if a question comes up? What do I do for that?
One simple common question is all it will take to throw me through a loop.
I was trying not to care. I had my mindset all fine, that I was going to purpose in my head not to care...
...until today.
Of course, when you determine something in your head, it's gonna get attacked.
Well, I felt like an idiot.
Memories came rolling back from loooooooooooooooong ago.
Feelings I haaaated... Ones that made me cry.
The feelings from people who don't understand and don't see what they do to me
even if they know what it does to me.
They don't see.
So, I was weak. And I wanted to cry. But I was in front of people...and people were just amplifying it and making it more obvious
and I know this probably makes no sense when being read, but it is so real to me, that tears are forming in my eyes...

But, I don't cry.
Emilee is happy... I'm not supposed to be upset. That's not allowed.

Well, I would just like for someone to give me the antidote for feelings

that'd be great, thanks