Yesterday.

Yesterday was a really hard day.

I had planned on going to my house to spend time with my family since they were out of state for my birthday. We have this birthday dinner tradition, and since they missed it, this was a good day to make it up.
When I drove up, I honked at my dad. He waited for me before going into the house from the shop, and hugged me when I parked.
Something felt different, but I had no idea why.
He hugged me
longer than usual.
Maybe he just really missed me?
I pulled away and looked in his eyes
"I have some not so great news"
I thought about the dogs and what had been said before
that if my dog Faith attacked the outside dog April that we'd have to kill Faith
or maybe April just died of old age...
he said
"Your dog is no longer with us"

my heart sunk.

my first reaction was to just fight it.
You knew this would happen
Why should it come as a shock?
Just be okay.
You knew it was coming.

Then dad hugged me again.
And I cried.

He started telling me about it.
How Faith had gotten out, and how Chad tried everything he could to get her off of April.
How Chad felt so guilty and my sister was blaming herself.

It no ones fault... it was bound to happen...

I was looking forward to seeing her.
My week had been rough, and I had really just wanted some kind of constant. Something sure.
My dog knew me better than any human.
If no one could see something was wrong with me, she knew.
And now she's gone.
And it's not like a human where you have the confidence of heaven.

I can't pet her.
She can't lick my face.
She wasn't waiting for me at the door when I got there
I remembered the look of concern on her face when I started packing my car the last time I was home
as if she was saying
"Why are you leaving me?"
"Why again?"
I wanted so badly to take her with me...

It was my fear that when I moved out, something like this would happen
either with her or with my family.
And it happened.

I'm trusting God,
that maybe this is for the best
That maybe I should stop being selfish...
My dad could have had a heart attack...
...I don't know what I'd do without him...

There's just so much emotion
So much I'm feeling right now
So much uncertainty.

I trust God.
I do.
I know I'll be okay.
It's just a dog.
All the ties that were to her will eventually heal.

I just need some time.