reaction

I posted the above picture to my instagram account. Below is the response I got from one of my High School friends.

I saw your post on Instagram. You've always been beautiful! I wish I would have known this was a struggle for you and I would have told you more! I always looked at you and your love for life with such envy. To be as free as you seemed to be. It was always something I strived for. So proud of you for pursuing a new passion and taking care of you! You definitely have sparked a desire in me to live without abandon and love fiercely. I pray my sweet Caroline can embody your spirit and love of others!

With* not without

File this under the "If you have something nice to say, say it." category, because I'm sitting here in tears reading her beautiful words.
She didn't have to take the time to tell me what she felt and what I meant, but she did. And I needed to hear it, as cliche as that sounds.

I tend to go through life taking things as they come and doing my best to leave a kind taste in people's mouths. I want to be a force for good, but sometimes I feel like I'm failing miserably or that my problems I'm facing overshadow any goodness I could bring.
Jenn knew me when I was in a very dark place; a place that clouded my life since I first met it back when she knew me. It was new and I didn't know what to expect or how to navigate it. It was hard and hopeless, yet here I am ten+ years later. It's still a shadow in my life, but I've learned what to expect and how to power through it even when all seems lost. Even on the days I feel death would be easier than the darkness. Even when I feel most alone.

When you give out kindness, it has a way of coming back to you, if not always in the ways you'd expect. Just when I feel like I am isolated and not understood and that my life and story isn't one people particularly care about--only criticize--I go out on a limb and post this knowing full well that people with opinions will see it, afraid to check the notifications because I don't want pity or for people to try and make it into something it's not. Just as I'm thinking, "I just wish that people would ask about it, but not for pity or gain. I just want them to want to know. To care enough to know about my life and what I've been through to get here rather than to shallowly assume my life is roses and that I'm weak. But I don't want pity. I don't want it held over my head or to cause side glances. This is why I like strangers." I get this message, and it makes me feel like everything I've been through is worth it.

Life is worth it.
The fight is worth it.
Take it from someone on the other side.
I promise.

(edit: My favorite song just came on Pandora. Which makes my heart feel ways I can't explain. The timing, man.)
(Ps. It's Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve)