Me.

I have the pleasure and pain of bearing a burden bigger than anyone can ever realize.
This is a paraphrase of a quote I once saw on someone's twitter.
It is so true.

I wish people could see my heart.
That they could truly understand who I am
What I know
What I see
How I think
Hear my heart as it cries...

It really has become a sensitive vessel...
It's been a hard thing to adjust to, but I know it's an adjustment well worth making.
When I people watch
I cry.
There was a commercial that made me cry the other day...really? have I gotten that lame?
But, it's just a part of who I am.
People. People make me cry.
People make my heart cry.
Make my heart cry out to God for them.
To touch their hearts
To open their eyes
To save their souls in a way only He can do...

I've often heard stories of people who had "prayin' Grandma" or whatever...
Well, what about those people who don't?
What about those people who are just lost...and so is everyone around them?
Who will pray them in?
I will.

They may not know it, and I may not either. But there are some people I see, and just feel inclined to pray for. For some reason.
I'll write about them sometimes. Write out the prayer, to have some sort of reference.

Of these, I've actually met one.
After she met Jesus--I believe it was two weeks after--she ended up sitting by me at the net.
And now she is one of my dearest friends.
I thank God for His hand in our friendship. It truly is valuable.

I know a lot of people. There are many that are dear to me. Each person holds a special place in my heart, and with each person, I instill a little bit of myself--whether they know it or not.
And, I believe, if you were to get them all together and have them share what they understand of me, collectively, you'd have me. Who I am.
Now, this can't happen.
So, I will just remain a mystery.

But, if anyone ever tried to understand the depths that are Emilee Marie Ayers, I do believe their minds would be blown.
Get past what you see
Past the surface
Past the defense
And see the deeper me...
There's a lot to be offered.

I just don't think people can handle it.

Not to say I'm anything great, or that I'm someone important
I'm not.
And I like it that way.
I like when people don't know my name
I hate being forgotten...but, I like not being known.
That's how it's supposed to be.

There are big things inside of me.
Big dreams.
Big callings.
Big visions.
Big ideas.
Big humor.
Big pains.
Big random thoughts.

It scares me that there wasn't one thing that someone doesn't know about me...
But not one person truly knows everything.
I think that scares me.
Because I have found once I get too close to someone, I pull away.
I'm not sure as to why.

But I'm learning to be like Mary
and "Treasure all these things in my heart"
rather than offer them to any ear tolerant enough to hear the words spill from my mouth.

It's teaching me to actually trust God to take care of me
instead of searching for people's opinions.

I like it :)

Maybe one day people will see who I am.
hah, maybe one day I'll see what people see in me...
because I honestly think that is more rare...
I don't think I see what other people do.
That is why I doubt myself
that is why I fear
that's why I get self-conscious.
But I wonder, if I did see myself that way
if I would be who I am...
or if I would get too proud and cocky and lose sight of me...

I guess we'll never know.