Much.

There is much to learn.
I am realizing this a little more every day...
With every difficult thing I find in my lap, there's a lesson to be learned.
A chance for growth.

I just wish I could hurry up and learn it so things wouldn't be so difficult.

I'm really having a hard time.

No one knows it. I haven't told anyone.
I think maybe that's how it should be...

I know what everyone would say if I said anything. And, I'm not really "dwelling" on it, to where it's the first thing off my tongue in conversation, but it is something I'm constantly thinking about.
Because I don't understand it.
It's like it was just handed to me...and now I'm sitting here... clueless as to what to do with it.

Either way, I seem to lose...

I'm beginning to realize, I still have pretty much no confidence.
The sad thing is that I have loads more than I used to, even a year ago.
But, I still have very far to go.

I know I need to just cling to Jesus, which is what I do.
But, then there are the curveballs... and they're hard ones, they hit deep because so much of this is entwined in the ministry... so I get confused a little bit, and frustrated as to what to do or say or how to feel... if I should stand up for myself, or just "do the right thing" and give in...
But I'm afraid if I keep giving in, I'll just always be in the place I'm in, and I know where my life is going, that isn't very wise. So... it's really hard. No one seems to understand. Which, it's really not hard to understand.

oi.

I just wish I knew if what I was doing was right or wrong.
Or what I can do to improve it.
But I don't have anyone to tell me.

My heart keeps taking these hits.

I don't really like being so emotional. Actually, I hate it. But I embrace it, because I know it's necessary to be who God made me to be. And that it's important for the big picture...even if I feel like I completely fail.

Stupid hard drive...you made me go through old pictures, and remember, and hurt.