I think too much.

Why can't I just live?

I have decided.

There is nothing that ice cream can't fix.
I posted this on my facebook, and a friend posted
"Ice cream is the duct tape of life"
So true.

I was sitting here
In distress
Unsure of what to do.
Unsure of what to say.
Unsure.

A friend messaged me
Seemingly normal.
She had no idea that she was helping me completely.
Asked what I was doing, if she could come over
I warned her that I was a mess
And she said she'd be over soon.

She brought ice cream.
Not just ice cream,
But straight up Oreo ice cream.

I think there's a certain comfort and safety in ice cream.
One that makes you feel safe enough to actually open up.
Even if you don't say anything
It's like medication for your soul.

We sat.
I verbal vomitted what I could get up.
She sat
She listened.
Then, she asked,
"Do you want me to tell you what I think? Or do you just want to get it out?"
Not a trace of sarcasm. She was serious, and it was exactly what I needed.
She confirmed things that I had wondered if I was right or just over-reacting
She helped me see what wasn't my fault
And what I don't need to pick up as something that is my fault.

I'm too hard on myself
I blame myself for a lot.

I was so unsure of who I could trust.
Who I could talk to
What I should do.

I'm going through a season change
So there's a lot of things I'm uncertain of
And it just gets hard.
But, last night made things more clear.

I'm not sure what to do about the next month
I guess I'll just take it one day at a time.
See what happens.

But I can face today
I have hope for tomorrow
And I know Who to put my full trust into.
And He will never fail me.

God's love is strong.

honesty.

I'm failing at life.

honestly
right now, I feel defeated.
So defeated that I can't even write in my paper journal.
I don't know how to put words to paper.

I feel like crying
I feel like hiding

I feel like a mistake.

I hate being hurt.

There's this feeling I'm fighting
And, I want to verbal vomit all over this blog.
I'm fairly certain it would be safe,
But I screwed up a great friendship by posting thoughts on a blog one time
It was a misunderstanding I couldn't delete before the friend saw it.

I'm hoping this is just a misunderstanding.
Because I find myself having to pick myself up from hurt feelings.
I don't say anything, because it's probably just me.

But it gets me to questioning.
Why bother getting close to people?
I get hurt.
Who do I know that I can really trust anyway?

But it seems to be what I long for.
That person to trust and not be afraid of getting hurt
Someone to prove everyone else wrong.

Maybe this will just always happen.
Maybe I should stop trying.
Maybe I should just keep everything to myself.

I question this all the time
I'm tired about writing the same thing over and over and over again...

I'm so stupid.

Proud Father--Jon Mclaughlin

There will be crying,

being the man that you should.
But, always be trying,
to see all the bad and the good.
And yours is a promising future,
but, know if it all were to fade.
But a proud father of me
you have already made.
And I'll try to be,
all of the answers that you'd ever need.
And I'll try to show,
All of the love that you need to know.

May the sparks in your eyes,
Outlive the lines on your face.
Hold on to the moments in time,
when you and I share the same space.
And thoughts of you hurt me,
but I know the feeling of wrong.
'Cause there are lessons to learn,
in all of the places I've gone.

And I'll try to be,
all of the answers you'd ever need.
And I'll try to show,
All of the love that you need to know.

So hold on to someone,
who'll love you through the hot,
and the cold.
And hold on to someone,
who'll love you,
no matter what they know.
Just hold on to someone,
who'll love you when your hot,
and when your cold.
And hold on to someone.
who'll love you,
no matter who they know.

Open your mind,
So colors of skin you embrace.
And open your eyes,
to harmony coming of age.
It won't always be easy to love,
when you give and you never get back.
But, no one's intended to die,
with their heart still intact.

And I'll try to be,
all of the answers that you'd ever need.
And I'll try to show,
All of the love that you need to know.

So take time to be still and to know,
that all of the world that you'll face.
That a proud father of me,
you have already made.

I'm ridiculous.

Sometimes I just look at myself and shake my head...

I'm ridiculous.
Stupid things bother me.
There are times I care way too much
I think way too much.
I worry way too much.

Why don't I just let things be what they are?
Let things happen?
Why do I get so territorial?

Especially after all the great things that just happened
Especially knowing what I know.

Why am I afraid my friends will steal away my other friends?
That's really stupid.

I want to just be confident in who I am.
I don't want to worry about what's going on around me.
I don't want to think too much about or into anything.

I wish I could shut my brain off and just enjoy life.

Tonight was intense.
I had to face quite a few fears.
I couldn't even fully journal about it...

Thankfully, I have some pretty amazing friends
I am forever grateful to them.

Vita est quoque brevis

"Stop worrying and live. Life is too short."

That's what I heard in my head today at work.
I guess my co-worker may be partial to blame. She's been on this "Life is too short" kick where she's not making excuses. Why not do all sorts of things, just because we're able to?
Life is too short.

As I thought of this, I realized that this is what I want.
I want to make some memories.
I want to look back on my life and have a smile on my face
I want stories to tell.

Life is too short.
So, we decided we're going to do all we can to enjoy this short life of ours.
Starting with her and her friend coming out to my parents house to go shooting.
Granted, this is something I do all. the. time.
But, they've never done it, and it's actually on their bucket list.
What greater memory than helping someone meet their goals?

So, what do I want to do with this new found spice for life?
I want to camp out on the beach
I want to see an elephant
I really want to ride an elephant, but I don't know if that's a possibility.
I want to visit Liz in Spain next year
I want to see friends at TBI
I want to see Clarissa
I want to see Rachel McKissack
I want to taste foods I've never tasted
I want to see things I've never seen
I want to experience things I've never experienced.

I want to go places
I want to laugh
I want to spend time with people I care about.
I don't want to worry
I want to just jump.

I have life.
For how long, who knows?
So whether I have 3 months or 30 years
I want to live.
I want to live while I can.

The one thing that I feel I get run over for is the only thing that seems to set me apart.

If there's anything good about me that people can say, it's how I'm always flexible or whatever.
If they need me, I'm there.
And I generally don't cmplain.

Well, it's getting to me right about now
And I don't know what I can do about it.

I don't want to say anything, because I dread that voice, and that look.
I feel helpless and defenseless.
And not understood.

I'm tired.
I just want to be happy.
But I feel like I can't live my life
I feel like I have to always have it open to be able to jump when asked.
Sure, I've said no.
But there are some things that just feel out of my control.

This is really inconvenient for me.
But, what can I do?

I feel like I've been deceived.
So why did I buy in?

I could have sworn God was leading me
Maybe this is just a bit of hardships that I have to endure
Maybe things will get better...
But what about all this time and all these opportunities I feel like I'm losing?

I'm scared.
So, I sacrifice my happiness for security.
Maybe one day, I will have endured all this
And I can have both.

Until then, I make the most of what I can.

Confidence.

Everything I'm facing can be summed up in one word.
Confidence.
I need to have more of this.
It would fix so much.

It's a work in progress
And I've got some pretty deep roots to pull up
But, from what I have considered, it will be deeply worth it.

It's like I can feel the difference in the mindset
Like they are tangible.
Two different worlds, almost
Like the first is this happy, wonderful place
But I seem to sink into the second, depressing, worried, insecure world
The world I don't belong in.

I'm getting out of this world.

I'm beginning to believe that this is bigger than me.

I'm trying to fight of these thoughts.
Thoughts that I don't know how to explain
Because they really don't make sense to me either.

There are people I long to be close to
To get to know on a deeper level.
But, I fight it.
Because, the timing isn't right
Or, something.
I'm not entirely sure.

I keep telling myself
"You have to make yourself missed"
That if I'm always there, then people don't have any time to miss me.
To appreciate who I am in their life.
I'm just predictable.

Days like this make me ache for expression
I long to create something that gets everything that is inside of me out
That helps express who I am
To show the world.

Maybe one day this will all make sense.
Maybe one day I'll make sense...

I can only hope.

meh.

My scars are disappearing...
This really makes me sad.
the end.

I feel like...

I feel like
Everything I know is changing.
Like I'm becoming somewhat of a recluse
Spending more time by myself
Not really wanting to be around many people.
I've been really missing my family a lot.

I don't really know what all this is about.
I'm not really sure what to think.
I get my fair share of people
But I haven't really been talking as much
And, I've noticed...
I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into some things.
Maybe there's really nothing wrong, maybe I just need some time
And space.

Sometimes I wish I could move
Or check myself into some facility
Just to get away
To get a fresh start.
To maybe get some answers
Some wisdom.

But, I know that wouldn't help.

There's a lot of nonsense going through my head that I have to dismiss.
A bunch of crap.
I'm just ready for whatever's next
But I don't want to miss out on what I have now.

meh.
whatev.

Big news.

Well, I guess it's potentionally big.
kinda scary.

Who do I tell?

Not the normal people I'd expect.
My co-worker, of course.
I can give her small little tidbits, and that's all it takes for her to get it.
I don't need words to help me

I think that's my problem.
I keep searching and searching for someone to understand me
Someone to fill this aching I can't seem to shake.
I never expected to feel this.
Especially having Christ in my life.
Maybe I need to take a step or two back
re-evaluate where He stands in my life, just keep making sure He's still first.
Set priorities.
A little extra time never hurt.

So that's what I did today
And it felt great.
Why don't I do this more?
Maybe I should
I can make excuses all I want with
"It'll be easier when we move into the house"
or, whatever.
Excuses don't really get you anywhere.

I'll be fine
I need to learn to not depend so much on people.
I just need to depend on God
:)

Love.

So.
I have my brother.
My whole life I remember hearing about him
But, I never knew him.

I also heard of my Grandma
She died before I was born
And I guess in my mind, there was no difference between the two.
I would say my brother is alive
But, when it came down to it, I had never seen him
Never heard his voice
Never seen his face.
He was just like a fairytale
A nice story about the brother I always dreamed of.

This weekend, I found him online, and made the first contact with him of my life.
I saw pictures of him.
He knows who I am
He's not just a story anymore.

I was so happy.
I felt a depth of happiness that I don't know if I have ever experienced before.
I cried.
Tears of joy.
Then, it would hit me in ways
Sometimes, I'd squeal
Sometimes, I'd jump up in down
Sometimes, I'd tear up
Sometimes, I'd say, "I have a brother!!"

I think this is how some people view God.
He's just some story they've heard their whole lives
But, when you search for Him
When you reach out
He meets you there
And He will communicate with you
and show you His face
and His heart
and when you experience that, you can't contain it

It's a beautiful thing.

Also, I think this is how God feels when we reach out
So happy that we have chosen Him.
After all His years of waiting.

This beautiful imagry brought tears to my eyes.
I'm overwhelmed, in a good way.

Brother.

I really just want to break down and cry right now.
My heart hurts so badly...

I found my brother on facebook.
I've never met him. I don't even know for sure if he knows about me
I would assume he does.
I sent the friend request, not thinking anything of it.
He accepted it.

Dang, really? That easy? I wonder if he realizes who I am.
I guess he does.

I check out his page
wondering if my sister has a facebook
I haven't seen her since I was about 4 years old.
My eyes tear up to see his face.
He looks so much like my Dad.
That's when I see
He's in a relationship.
With a guy.

I didn't see that one coming.
My heart shatters on the floor...
How could someone in my own family be gay?
No one else is
Was it because of the absence of my dad in his life?
That wasn't fully my father's fault...
Why can't my brother know the Jesus I know?

I want so badly for him to love the Lord.
To know this fulfillment I have.
To get to know my dad again
I don't know if I can tell him that he's gay...
My dad's only son. gay.
But, I mean, we love him anyway
right?

I've been cool with my gay friends
That's whatever, their choice to not fully surrender.
but...
not my brother.
The one I've dreamed about meeting my whole life
The one I've sat for hours wondering what he's like
What he looked like
If he was married
If he had kids
If he ever missed us
Or wondered where we were.

We would pray for him and my sister, Shelly, growing up
Dad always prayed for us before bed
And we always prayed for them, too
If they've been covered in prayer, how does this happen?

My first reaction is regret...
Maybe I didn't want to know this...
But, at the same time
Maybe it's good
'Cause, now I know how to pray for him.
He's never too far gone.
And I love him
He's my only brother.

I'd love to meet him in real life one day
Maybe one day.
Who knows
but, for now
I pray with everything within me that he gets delivered.

Got off work a little early today, so I went into the cove and journaled for some time. Liz and I sat there together doing our own thing for a while, it was great.
Lots of things are going through my mind.
Honestly, I don't think I can ever get everything out.
That's okay.
I wrote this line, and after I wrote it, I stopped, re-read it, and said, "Woah. That's good."
"You weren't meant to understand, you were meant to live."

The truth in that statement is intense.
I don't know where my life is going
I have a general idea of where today is going.
Granted, it's 6:00pm, so there isn't much left to it, but it still can be pretty unpredictable.
I don't think it's really for us to understand.
We can't understand everything, that's impossible.
This is where trust comes in. We have to trust that God knows more than us, that He loves us and that He is going to take care of us.
All of which He has promised us.
Nowadays, promises aren't taken as seriously as they used to be
People make promises flippantly and break them consistantly, so when we hear God promises us something, there's a fear in the back of our minds.
No need.

God's got it.
He knows what you need.
Just let Him take you where He needs you to be, and He will take you to amazing places.
Places you'll love.

It's a win/win really.

I'm not a big fan of when people I trust hurt me.
Maybe that means I'm getting too close.
What's the point of getting close at all?

I've asked myself this question many times
Yet, I keep doing what I'm doing
I keep loving people, I keep putting my heart on the line, I keep believing in them.
Why?

Because how could I not...

I guess I just set myself up for this.
Maybe that's okay.

Numb.

Truth is, I'm not letting myself feel anything.
A few moments I was able to, but I've been in front of people, or places I don't want to break.
People can tell it, I know they can.
But, I have nothing to say.
Where would I begin?

Physical pain is so much easier to deal with than emotional.
I honestly wish I was in pain, maybe I could ignore this.

I must press on.
This will get better...
They have to.
Cause, if not
Then what's the point.