explosion

I'm at war within myself
And I don't know how to explain the fight.

I feel like breaking down.
What happened?
Nothing to me.
Friend is going through something difficult.
I can't do anything.
She's not talking to me about it, because I'm sitting right here in this public place.
She left rather upset.
She's talking to her sister and another friend.

So, I'm at war.
The war of not blaming myself
Or thinking anything is wrong with me
And also coming to the realization that my hands are tied.
That I can't help her.

I guess it makes me question a lot.
Am I too close?
Should I back off?
Should I trust people so much
Should I trust people at all.

I've been feeling simular ways that I did in high school.
Or shortly after.
I want to cut off emotions
Keep people at arms length.
Avoid this feeling
Avoid further feelings that cause hurt.

So, I'm blaring flyleaf in my earbuds as I sit in this coffee shop. I'm here 3 hours before my shift, because I got called in to make a few pans of gelato.
It's really pointless to go home.

It's like I can feel everything I've been living for
Everything pumping in my blood
Like an adrenaline rush
Flowing and flowing and making my heart race
Like I should be expecting something
Crap going wrong like it's trying to prevent it
I almost died in a car accident yesterday
I almost got into another one today
Health stuff trying to come back
Things attacking my family
Things attacking my friends
Things obviously attacking me

What do I do?
I wish I could just scream, and cry, and punch things, and let this out get this out of my system.
It's aching to come out.

What can I do
I don't think there is much.

People are starting to read it off of me
Ask me what is wrong
Or misinterpret it
Or not even ask what's wrong
Maybe they say other things...
Take a different notice than they usually do.

Something is stirring.
People are having dreams
People are being drawn to pray.
I feel this urgency.

When will this really happen?

I think I do this to myself.
I crossed the line.
I try and keep my distance from people, so I don't get too attached, or whatever.
I really don't even know how to explain this.
There are people I really care about I see there potential, and I want them to achieve it.
Sometimes I want it too much, and I feel like I've crossed the line.
Whatever.

Then, I mean, we're friends.
We tell each other stuff
But I'm suprised when she doesn't tell me something?
Granted, it is something that we usually talk about but, we aren't BFF's or whatever, which is good.
They're leaving soon anyway, so why should I care?
I don't know what will happen.

Now that I've ranted.
What do I really care?
Why should I worry about this?
There's nothing I can do about it, I just have to keep being who I am.
These are the cases that I look back on my writing, and cringe.
I feel like a stupid little girl.
I should just be real.
Who cares.
Don't put too much emotion into people.
I need to learn this difference.

This is good.
That I recognize what I need to do about this.
This post kinda makes me iffy.
Why post it?
I don't know.
 But, alas, I do it anyway.

sorrow lasts for the night...

So, the other night, my heart was feeling super heavy.
I didn't fully understand why.
One reason was to get me to pray for someone who was going through something I was unaware of at the time
The other was something for me before it happened.

Still, my friend prayed for me.
I couldn't hear what she said, but I knew it must be good, because what I felt was unmistakable.

Peace.

She text me later. Ironically, right as everything was unfolding.
It wasn't technically "tragic" but it's something really hard for me to deal with.
It's a topic that I'm personally working on
So, just the fact that she was there, texting me, encouraging me as it was unfolding made me smile.
Even though all this pain was looking me in the face, and had every reason to smile through it all.
God was proving Himself, that I will be okay.
That this wasn't my fault
That there is nothing I could do about it
And my friend, in her ever-wise words told me
"It's okay to grieve this, you know..."
So, I'm not crazy
or emotional
or stupid for feeling this way.
To know I was okay was exactly what I needed...
Then, she tells me what it was she was praying earlier
Praying against Depression
Praying against Loneliness
Praying against Abandonment...
To know that God had me covered in prayer before everything happened...
At the same time, my other friend was texting me that she loved me
So, I had love from two different aspects of my life.

Even though I cried myself to sleep that night
The tears dry
And the days get better.
The sun still shines
There is still so much to be happy about
And thankful for.
The sorrow lasts for the night
but joy comes in the morning
:)

Reflections.

The Jeremy Camp concert was last night.
It was great.
He is super personable and kind and genuine about everything.
You can tell he really cares about every person to come to the show, and that everything he does isn't because of obligation, it's because of heart.
We laughed. A lot.
I got some pretty good pictures. Gave them to his guitar player named Andy, along with my email in case they use them.
I guess we'll see what happens with that. That'd be awesome if they actually used them.

I think that there is a kindred spirit between Jeremy and I.
I understand it.
And I'm pretty sure I had always thought that it would be like this, but it really was.
This was reality.
And I think that when it makes sense to the world, that he'll remember the little photographer from Corpus Christi.
If at least vaguely.

It almost felt like there was a completion last night.
And like a confirmation.
They played Mighty To Save
The show ended at 10:23pm on the dot.
I don't think it was coincidence.

It feels like a Luke 1:45, Luke 2:19 kind of thing.

Fact. March 24, 2011

I watch The Today Show every weekday morning.
I try and catch the Channel 6 10 o'clock news every night
And if I can The Jay Leno Show.
Simply because it reminds me of home.
I feel like I'm close to my family when I do
Like there's at least that one thing that's right in the world.
That one thing that's predictable, familiar.

I love my family, and I miss them immensely.
I'm not 100% certain why it is such a strong feeling sometimes. Like right now.
I almost cry out of homesickness.
I was like this as a small child.
Tears would stream down my face anytime I went to camp, and I had to call my parents before bed when I was at a sleepover.


I'm growing up.
I can't always be like a child.
Times are changing
Everyone is getting older.

Maybe that's what scares me.
Ever since I was a little girl, my biggest fear was that something would happen to my parents, specifically my dad.
It really scared the mess out of me. I prayed against it frequently.
And now as I get older, I'm so afraid that something will happen to them out of old age, or stress or something.
I pray against it all the time.

I can't let this fear grip me.
I have to trust in the fact that no matter what happens, God has me in the palm of His hand and will take care of me.
God taking care of me is inevitable.
I shouldn't be afraid.

Squeeze the Trigger.

I was talking to a dear friend of mine the other night.
She made a valid point.
One that probably altered my life in a drastic way.

I know some pretty important things about my life
And people have been having dreams about some other big things.

She mentioned that I shouldn't go around looking for it.
That I know it'll happen, so I should just let it happen
Because if I try and figure it out, I could end up making it take longer than it would have or could have.
Instead of happeneing when I'm, say, 30 it would take til I'm 90.
Make sense?

So, I believe God gave me this analogy.

It's like shooting a hand gun.
To get an accurate shot, you want to squeeze the trigger.
You know that it's going to shoot, and that it'll kick, but you want to squeeze it, because if you anticipate it and squeeze too quickly, then you'll jerk and throw your shot off. You might still hit the target, but it won't be as precise.

In my life, and probably in most people's lives, maybe even yours, I need to "squeeze the trigger" so to speak.
I know what's coming in life, but I need to just let it happen
Squeeze the trigger.
Because if I anticipate it and squeeze too quickly, I might still hit the target, but it will throw it off.

It makes sense to me.
Quite a lot of sense.

It's my current map for my life, really.

interesting

I think it's interesting how people will think we're being super-overly Christian and throwing it in their face when actually we aren't saying a word.
My co-worker just told me about a guy that came into the shop. He was talking about how he was thinking of organizing a chess tournament here, but that this place was too Christian for it.
...first off, how is Christianity a factor in chess?
Second off, and this is something that my co-worker pointed out herself, that she has never heard someone blatantly go up and preach to anyone. Yes, a lot of Christians work here and come here, but there are some in both categories that are not.
And even us that are, we don't go around throwing it in people's faces.
I thought it was interesting that this man was so convicted simply by our presence, and the Holy Spirit's presence in us.
The man is a professed agnostic.
I remember praying for a really tall agnostic girl at camp a few years back. I think about her randomly throughout the year and pray for her. I wish I could find her again and see how she is.

Another thought.
Think of Jesus dying on the cross.
Why did He do it?
Because He loves us, right?
Well, I had a new view of this,
I'm sure it's one many people have already thought
But, it was rather new to me...

A lot of the connotation of why Jesus went through everything He did was out of obligation.
He had to so we could be saved.
But, why?
No one would go through something that gruesome unless they were passionate about what it was they were suffering for.
Jesus is passionate about you. He loves you so much that He chose to go through all of that for us.
He willingly gave up His life because He knew what it meant
It meant relationship with us.
It meant we wouldn't have to suffer
It meant we could have a second chance.
He didn't just leave us
And He didn't save us out of obligation
He saved us because He genuinely loves us.
He doesn't look at our mistakes with shame
He looks at us, who we are, not our sin, not our mistakes.
He looks at us. The ones He loves. The ones He died for.
He sees us for our potential.
He loves us.

See if you can get that image.
Because we so often misconstrue it.

He loves us.
Simple as that.

In The Air.

Maybe it's just because it's finally Spring
(I love Spring)
Honestly, I'm not sure.
There are just some times when I feel this certain way
And it probably won't make any sense if I try and explain it.
It's a familiar feeling, as I've felt it many times before
But, it's familiar in a different way
It's something that I have consciously felt all throughout my life
And have never really been able to explain.
Like I've felt it, and it's familiar, and even though it's a new day, it's like I'm in a familiar place, and that everything is right and everything will be okay.
There's a sureity that comes with it.
And an encouragement
Almost like there's someone else out there who feels the same way and understands what I mean, and that they are telling me it's going to be worth it.

Like even though things aren't perfect, I can still feel God so close to me.
Almost like I can even see Him smiling
Like I can see Him working in and with and through the people around me.
Seeing everything He's planning unfolding before my eyes.
How even though my life doesn't appear too "impressive" to those looking to be impressed, that I'm doing exactly what I'm suppose to where I'm suppose to.
That everything will prove worth it

Like I can hear that cloud of witnesses.

These are my favorite days.

Spare Some Change?

I noticed something today.
How people will buy something that costs $4.59 and hand the clerk a $5 bill.
Or, simular things.

How do we know that we'll get our change back?
Sure, .41 cents doesn't really seem like much of a risk
But what if you buy something for $10 with a $100 bill?
That would be a little different.

When you give the money to the clerk, you trust that he's going to give you the change in return.

It's how it goes. If not, it's illegal.

So, maybe I just see things in a spiritual way
But, as I watched this happen for about the millionth time today, I saw it in a different light.
The clerk is God, the money is your problems, and the change is just that, change.

When you give God your problems, you can trust He's going to give you change in return.

Simple as that.
All you have to do is get over yourself, surrender to the One who gave you the breath in your lungs and put the stars in the sky and trust that He'll do what He does every time.

It might not be easy at first, it might hurt a little bit, but just like the clerk gives you change, God will help you change and be with you through it.

It's the best thing you could do for yourself.

Trust me,
Trust God.
It's worth it.

Change the World.

This is something you hear encouraged
A dream most people wish to accomplish
You may have even found yourself as one of the guilty parties wishing this.
I have.

But I never really caught the concept of "The World."
Usually when I think of it, I think of the 6 Billion or however many people there are on the planet right now.
But, what if you could change the world as we know it now
And in ten years
and 30 years later, you're still making a difference
Whether you're here or not.

I guess what I'm saying is that I want to change society.
Yes, that is what I want to do.

This all occured to me as I'm playing my Pandora Jack Johnson Playlist.
The Beatles came on
It had some little information bubble pop up underneath them
And how they have influenced tens of millions of people.
Tens of millions.
That's a LOT.
That's when the thought process went through my head of how they were in my parents generation, but my generation and the generation after me knows them, sings them, loves them, etc.
Even though some of them are gone, and the ones still around are hitting their peaks, what they accomplished in their lives still echoes.

Can you imagine the impact you can have if you have that same effect, but with Christ in the equation?

That's what I want to do.
Maybe this is the life goal I have from a few posts before.
If it wasn't, it is now.

Summer's End.

I keep getting this thought of,
"Summer will be over soon
Summer has to end."

But, it's not summer.

I don't expect you to understand what I mean.
I understand.
That's all that matters, really.

I don't understand what all this is suppose to mean.
If it's all just coincidence, or if it's significant.
If I should pay heed to those close to me and their opinions
Or if I should put that out of my head and see where things go.

I regret opening up to some people.
I need to learn to get better at this...

I'm learning, still.
And even after I learn the lessons I'm in the middle of
I'll have more learning to do.

I just wish everything was plain
That it was all black and white, and I didn't have to question.

Someone told me that Jesus heard my heart, and He's answering my questions
And many other things that seemed spot on
But, was it Holy Spirit led?
Or just accurate emotion...

Fact. I have a lot of growing to do.
Fact. I keep having dreams about puppies.
Fact. This neglected dog commercial is about to make me cry.
Fact. I'm still learning who I am.
Fact. There is a little dog blocking my vieew
Fact. I ignored the last phone call I received.
Fact. My biggest fear is that I'll lose my dad.
Fact. I should be asleep.
Fact. There's a lot of things I think about myself, and I'm not sure if they're true or not.
Fact. I have not been productive in the slightest today.
Fact. Both my laptop and my phone are dying.
Fact. Before blogging, I know exactly what I want to say, when I get here, I'm at a loss for words.
Fact. My hands are still pink from making gelato.
Fact. The future scares me. I have to think myself out of this mindset.
Fact. I'm convincing myself that crying is okay.
Fact. I don't really know why I posted this.

Dreams.

so.
What the heck.
My friend came up to me today and said,
"Emilee, you were in my dream"
"Oh, really? What was it about?"
"Come here, I don't want to say it too loud"
"Okay..."
"I had a dream like you were engaged"
"What?!"
"Yeah"
"Do we know the guy"
"Yes, we do. In my dream, he was about to leave, and before he did, he came up to me and told me y'all were engaged."
"Let me just ask you, would you approve of this guy?"
"Oh definitely"

So. I just had a dream like I was married.
To someone we know.
And, I'm kind of afraid that it's the same person in both dreams.
My friend wouldn't tell me who it was in his dream, but I have a feeling...

I'm really praying about this
Because, I think he told the guy.
I'm not sure, though.

It's interesting, that everytime I come to the mindset of contentment, of not wanting to get married, of wanting to stay close to my family. So many things. That is when these things come up.
Either, I'll have a dream, or someone else will tell me they had a dream, or something like that.
And, it confuses me.
Is this something trying to trip me up?
Or is this God trying to tell me something?

I thought about this tonight.
Quite a bit.
Regardless if this becomes something or not, it's something I need to pray about.
And, I can't go off of other people's opinions, because not everyone is going to agree with me.
I just need to go off of God's opinion.
That's what matters.
And I have to trust that He's not going to let me go down any path that will make me mess up.
I prayed a dangerous prayer that He would get rid of this if need be, and keep me from anything that isn't of Him. No matter how painful.
I'd rather have the pain, than lose something I've waited my entire life for.
But, at the same time, I'm not limiting God.

I have a lot to journal about.

Sorbetto Wisdom.

While at work, I was going between helping at the bar and helping making Sorbettos.
My boss came in, and asked to talk to me.

Funny, because I was just looking back on old posts and thinking back on a thought from a few posts ago.
How if I had confidence, I would be a force.

Long story short, I ended up leaning against the freezer in tears.
Good tears.
Healing tears.
But, there are many more tears that need to flow before the healing is complete.
Crying is still a new things to me
Feeling is a new thing.
I have to convince myself that feeling and crying are okay
That I can't love other people if I hide behind fear.
I'm limiting God.

I guess I've been hurt so many times, that it's allowed fear to take a root in me.
I have to know it's okay to make mistakes
To fall flat on your face
To make a fool of yourself
To be vulnerable.

*deep breath*
This will take some time to fully learn.
But.
I know it's a needed lesson.

Pray for me.

I feel as though my life is a book I've previously read.

I am my own, unique person.
Whether people want to love me or not is out of my control.
My duty, my call is to simply love them
Whatever that takes.

If people forget about me
Or leave, and never call
That's out of my hands.
As long as I do all I can to keep up my end.
The phone rings both ways, after all.

There are certain people I'm called to reach
Also, certain ones I'm not called to reach.
That doesn't mean I can't still be friends with them or anything.

I shouldn't get upset at what I don't have.
Instead, I should be grateful for what I do have.
And the beauty that's around me.

:)