hearts.

<3

Intimidating.

While driving with a new friend, a random thing came up in conversation

"You can be kinda intimidating"

I've heard this before
And honestly, I've never understood it.

Me? Intimidating?
Why?

I asked my friend, she said,
"Well, you're always so happy, and outgoing"
She didn't mean it in a bad way
I laughed, and told her I'm an introvert, and actually don't have a lot of confidence.

I find it ironic...

I told a good friend of mine who knows new friend about the conversation.
what she said made sense.
"Well, you are. But not in a bad way. You and (other good friend) are the same way. Like even if you didn't know her, you wouldn't dare litter around her. You can just feel it off of her. You both have this air about you, this presence, that when people are around you, they want to be better people. It's a good thing"

It really meant a lot to  me.
To hear that, you know?
Because another good friend and I were discussing how I'm opposite of what people think and expect. And how weird it is. And how I still don't really know why.
But to know that I'm doing something right... that people can really see Jesus in me, and I don't have to say a word...
It's humbling...
Makes me want to keep living life right.

I just wish that good friend would see that I'm no better than she.
That she can be like this too.
Her potential is through the roof.

so, I pray
I pray her heart will heal, and that she'll understand
And that she'll know how precious she truly is.

One day.
That's a promise.

(Learning To Be) Selfish. ©

Ugly clouds. Rain pouring down.
Both inside and out.
I try not to slip or lose my grip
Taking the necessarily selfish route.
Just when I think I've reached my brink
More gets poured on top.
Breathe in deep, allow release
The rain will eventually stop.
Shut off my brain before I go insane
Don't try to please anybody.
Forget everyone, they can keep their sun
This rain came just for me.





Truth is, I'm not sure how I feel about this one.
Simply because it rhymns the whole way through.
Those always feel fake to me.
Or forced.
There are few that don't.
This one wasn't hard to write, I didn't fight to find the rhymns...
I don't know.

And I would put what inspired this
Why I wrote each line
But, there are people who read this blog that I don't know read it for sure.
And I don't want to fully express anything.

Shout out to my sister
This poem isn't about her, but she stalks me :)
<3 <3 <3
She's a great sister.
I love her
Y'all should all be jealous.

Today.

Today was a beautiful day.
I think all the craziness from the medications have finally passed
Either that or I've finally figured out how to manage it all.

Today was happy
Tomorrow looks hopeful
This week should be a great one.

I appreciate the days where endurance is required
Because it strengthens me

But I must say,
I'm so grateful to have had a day where I could stop at any given moment
And just smile.

<3 <3 <3

There are too many voices.
In my head, and all around me.
Those around me are all right in some aspect.

I don't know how to be normal anymore.
I hate this.

I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut.
Act like everything is fine.
Not be the one to bring any of this up.

I shouldn't have said anything in the first place.
Maybe these voices will shut up, too.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wonder if everyone is just lying to me.

If I'm just tolerated
Like the little sister.

But, I can't believe that if I've never been told it.
Walk in confidence with my head up.

And not live in the past.
It's weird when things come full circle...

Truth is.

Sometimes I just stand there and cry.
I really don't know what else to do.

Funerals.

Yesterday I was able to attend the funeral of a friend of mine's dad.
He died of cancer last week.
She is 13 and has a little sister.
If I even met her dad, it was once.
I've been to my share of funerals...
But this one was different.

I don't know if it was just the fact that Pastor Isaias was doing the sermon
Or what...
But it shook me.
Not many will cry for a man they didn't even know.
That's what I found myself doing.

They sang a few hymns, a few were played on the Saxophone
And even though this was a typical funeral song
It's words resounded in me...

These were the stansas that Chach sang.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,

And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Praise God, Praise God, Praise God, Praise God
Praise God, Praise God, Praise God
Praise God, Praise God, Praise God, Praise God
Praise God, Praise God, Praise God."

Ever word sang was a word of truth
A word of hope
A bringing peace
And at the end, through it all
We praise God.
Just as it should be.

When Pastor Isaias spoke, he put himself in Rey's shoes...
What he was seeing, who he was meeting, what events were happening.
He described heaven
He explained how eternity is not limited by time.

Eternity.
I've always thought about it
Tried to wrap my mind around it
Of course, I never could.
But the thought of not being limited like that...
No wonder God is dealing with me about not limiting Him.
Pastor said how Rey isn't feeling anymore pain
He's more alive than we are
Cancer doesn't exist to him anymore.
I've heard this many times before, but this time it clicked.
Maybe because I haven't been feeling too hot, and I know this is a fight I need to keep fighting no matter how difficult it could become...

As he spoke, heaven felt real.
Something clicked in my head
This isn't just some religious, spiritual mumbo jumbo.
It's real.
Death isn't the end.
I've always know it wasn't
I still remember how I felt when Rachel died
But the thought of the moment of transition...
It just felt so real.

Funerals are really just for the people left behind.

I started thinking about mine.
What it might be like, who might come.
By this point, people are going up and talking about Rey
I guess I had forgotten my funeral will probably be about me...
Why?
I fight for my life not to be about me, why should my death be?
I guess for everone I'll leave behind.

I know I'm notorious for not realizing my own greatness.
Or. whatever.
Like when I put my pictures up in the cove, and they started selling, I was surprised.
And hearing Liz talk to me about it, she was shocked I didn't realize how good I was
But. I truly didn't.
So, I guess my funeral will be full of that...

I sat there
Hoping...
That people will come
That people will have nice things to say about me
If for no other reason but to show my parents that they did a great job in raising me
That they should be proud.
That my life wasn't in vain
But really was lived out to it's entire potential.
In my mind, I saw Pastor Isaias at mine.
But, there were cameras.
And standing room only.
And people there that no one knew I knew
That no one knew I touched.
People who feel lost in the crowd
But yet, they get up
And are able to say how my life touched theirs...
And tthe amount of people saying significant things is significant
And my mom is sitting there crying,
Not out of sorrow any longer
But, out of joy.
The joy to know my life wasn't in vain...
That a full life can be in a smaller amount of years.
After all, eternity isn't limited by time.
Once we're alive, we're alive forever
Somewhere...

It made the realization of Hell that much more intense...
It made my heart break even more...
There are these people in my life that I love so deeply
some I have just met
And I don't want them to have to go for all eternity in a place like that.
Mediocre living isn't worth eternity of suffering...
This life is more than merely living...
People need to see this.
You either suffer a bit here, and spend eternity in all the glory of heaven and God's presence
Or you induldge here, which ultimately is just masking our suffering, just to suffer forever in Hell.
Literally.

Excuses are stupid, really.
And I've given my share of them.
Nothing can even try to hold up in a match against the reward of living life right.
Of committing to Christ.
Honestly, I've searched...
There isn't anything worth more than this.
Like, the confidence in a trusted friend
Or that simple gesture you hold immense value in.
That text when you're at the end of your rope.
That feeling of accomplishment. That you did something right.
Times eternity.

I don't know if my funeral will be anything like I was imagining.
Chach and I joke about how it would go
With balloons, confetti, Purple, "Don't worry, be happy"
I guess y'all will see one day.

But I can't shake this.
This feeling that life is more than me.
That I have to do something to make sure as many people as possible get to meet Jesus.
To experience the rewards it brings.
To know true peace.

My heart goes out...
My prayers go up...
Lord, use my life.
Do whatever needs to be done to get to these people, God.
Soften their hearts
Open their eyes
Break the chains binding them
Do away with mindsets and limits
Crumble the walls...

Do what only You can do...

Dear old Friend.

Heard from an old friend today.
Taking time out to check up on me.
It really meant a lot to me.
More than words could ever say...

Here's a piece of our conversation.

Me:Thank God I'm stronger than I used to be...

She: i think you really are:) i mean even though i only see once in a blue moon. i can see that you are different. in a good way.

Me: That means a lot to hear

She: It's true

Me: wish it wasn't every once in a blue moon. But at least the moon turns blue sometimes

She: haha

it happens.

and i think deep down we both know if we need each other than we will find each other :)

There's a quote I read today that I think explains this...

"A true friend doesn't care when you're broke, being a bitch, what you weigh, if you don't see them for months, if your house is a mess, what you drive, about your past, or if your family is filled with crazy people. Your conversations pick up where they left off, even if they have been months apart. They love you ... for who you are."

My mind is not here.

I'm so confused.

What.
A.
Weekend.

I'm on overload.
And partially spaced out that I don't know how much I actually remember.

I'm so over this stupid whatever

Truth is.

I'm not okay.
I've been trying to pretend like I am.
But when it comes down to the nitty gritty
I'm not.

There's nothing left to do but keep going.

a mess.

I broke down and made a doctor's appointment today.
How I'm feeling is getting ridiculous.
Even if I can tolerate it, I know people are getting sick of me tolerating it.
Of seeing me miserable
Of finding me in pain.
I try to fake it
but, it's too easy to be read off of me.

I had a new doctor.
This made me nervous.
Really, the whole thing made me nervous.
I had to distract my mind so I wouldn't cry.
I know that sounds pathetic
But it really is an overwhelming thing for me
And I feel I can't fully explain how I feel
Or grasp it.
Grasp anything, really.

She leaned over the examination thing and wrote notes as I told her how I was feeling like poo.
I warned her about how the last doctor was really perplexed by me.
I told her everything I could remember, and she wrote down three potentials that she could come up with right off.
She noted my mom's dad's diabetes and my dad's mom's colon cancer.
Also my cousin's illness.
She left. I texted. She came back
She had three prescriptions and a list of possibilities of what it could be.
She had also shot off a few possibilities
Hypoglycemia
Pre-Diabetic
Pancreatic diseases
Body reacting to too much insulin
Body reacting to not enough insulin
Body not absorbing nutrients
Celiac
IBS
And a handful of things I can't pronounce
Also things I can't remember.

so, I have bloodwork on Tuesday
And also some tests to rule out some things
I have to go on a gluten free diet
And not eat anything on Tuesday.
And I can't drive myself there..
...we'll see how that works out.

I don't know what to think about it.
I don't really like talking about it.
probably because I don't know what to think about it.
If it was my choice, I wouldn't tell anyone.
But, then, I probably would have cried in the office.
Although, it was the prayer that calmed me down, so maybe not.
Still, support is nice...

I guess I just feel mixed emotions
With the weight of guilt for people worrying about me
The accomplishment of defeating myself and actually going to try and take care of this
The stupidity at the fact that I feel this way
Didn't I already take care of this?
Didn't God already heal me?
But what broke me down to actually do something about it was people close to me's concern and that dream that I died, and I watched it happen, but it was prematurely...
It wasn't suppose to happen.
And I was freakin' out.
I don't want that to happen.
I don't want people to worry more than they have to.
Or feel obligated to take care of me.
It's nice that they care and are concerned, I really do appreciate that
but, I can't just ignore this...

I'm a mess.
I'm just going to go to sleep.
My brain won't think anymore.

My heart is screaming.

I see two worlds.
I couldn't change it if I tried.
When I look at people, I don't see them like normal people would.
My eyes see things differently.

I see people not for who they are, but for their potential
In which they either rise to it, or choose things that tear them down.
This is what I see.
This is how I determine how to think about people.

This weighs heavily on how I was raised.
I have seen things most people haven't
And I'm so grateful for it.

God spoke to me at 9 years old
And I haven't been the same since.
That's when this all truly began.

I've lived through my share of hell.
I know pain
I know sorrow
I know hurt
I know fear
I know all of these things.
I'm weathered.
But, despite all this
And really, through all this
I know healing
I know joy
I know strength
I know true peace.

I also know that life is short.
I've had countless people close to me die throughout my life
Mainly recently.
Some older
Some younger
Some my age.
We are not guaranteed tomorrow.
This is so cliche, but it is so true.

With that knowledge, I live my life as if today was my last.
There is only so far you can do this, but I try and do my best to be prepared for each day
I tell people I love them when I have the chance
I try not to let the sun go down on my anger
etc.

But, the point of this...
My heart breaks for you.
I look in your eyes, and I know that you know God
I know you love Him
I know you understand His power
Maybe not to it's fullest extent,
But I know you know He is powerful.
My heart aches.
Because I want to see you reach your full potential.
I don't want to see you compromise.

You life is not mine.
I can't control your decisions
But, I feel as though we are close enough to say something to you.
I promised I wouldn't get close to you
But, it seems as though it's inevitable.
And I love you too much to not say something.
I long to see you thriving
To see Christ smile over you
I know He already does
But I don't want to see Him cringe on any choice you make.

It's a simple complexity, really, this life we live.

I find myself basking in it's beauty, and dreading it's reality daily.
Like a bi-polar view.

But you have such influential power.
It's a gift.
You have the gift of influence.
You have an open mind.

You have such a big heart...
Also, a gift.
I don't want to see you hurt again.

The others, they're different...
They aren't as open as you are...
You are right there.
Truth be told, I have to make myself see them through natural eyes
Instead of through spiritual.
Because through spiritual, it makes me cry.
They are blind, to an extent...
And I just want to shake them and show them the truth
but, that doesn't always work.
So, I sit back.
And pray my life speaks
That maybe some opportunity will arise
And that grace will cover all my flaws and ways that I slip up.

So, I hope we actually get to talk about this soon...
Because you are important to me.
And I hope I can make sense.
But if not, I hope you understand my heart...
I pray I don't mess anything up.
I pray...
I pray.

I know my heart isn't fully expressed in this.
I don't think that is possible...
But that's okay.
I know I'm not meant to be understood
And that, honestly, it's quite impossible.

I'm different.
I've had to come to terms with this
And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

I try to document all I can, but I am human.
I forget
I mess up
I summarize.

That's okay.

One day, this will all make sense.
I pray you understand.

My brain feels like it's on overload...
I'm over it.

thoughts and feelings.

I really love God, and how He works everything out.
And orchestrates it all.
And that we really don't need to be afraid.

Sacrifices

I guess that's what I get for having an open blog...

I can feel the difference in the worlds.
My heart aches.
It's not easily explainable.

Alas, I'm greatful for this.

Difference.

I've had people question what really is the big deal with our decisions.

You know, those little ones that don't really seem to matter.
Do they really matter? Why do they matter? Who cares anyway?

I've come to realize, that is what sets us apart.

I don't know if I can really explain this like I understand it in my head...

Take--for instance--my life compared to others.
Okay, I've never dated
Never kissed a guy
Nothing.
I know this pretty much never happens anymore, and honestly, at first it was a bet with a friend that turned into a "holy crap, I'm 22 and never kissed. There's no way I'm ging to embarass myself now unless I'm marrying this guy" realization.

Compared to the average person next to me.
Kissed many times
Probably not a virgin.
But not like, a whore, where they sleep around endlessly.

It may  mean something to them, it may still be something they consider "sacred" and only give to certain people
but, still, they give it away.

Both of us go to church
Both of us love Jesus
Both of us read our Bible
And probably the same amount, because I'm not a holier-than-thou super Christian.
I'm human.

I know I should read my Bible more, but that's not the point.

So, what sets us apart?
That door.
That simple door that they have opened and I have not...

It's a simple decision
It may not seem like much
But it's like a rope, tied around their ankle that has a lead weight on the other end.
They can still get farther than most people, the ones who live in the world and are whores and blatently live sinful lives
But, they won't get as far as they could.

Those little decisions hold them back and weigh them down.

I know this is something I've had to stare straight in the eye and address the things I've had tied to my ankle, holding me back
Sometimes, I still find myself fighting off thoughts
But thoughts are way different than actions.
Come on, even Jesus was tempted, even He had thoughts about doing things that weren't right
But He never acted out.

It breaks my heart to see these people in my life...
I want so badly for them to untie that weight that only they can untie
And live their life to the fullest that they can.

My heart is a little heavy today.
Hence why I'm actually posting this now.

Sometimes I feel if I don't release thoughts immediately, I might explode.

Sometimes I question things I say
Sometimes I wish I could explain myself better so that people can actually understand what I mean, and I don't give them the wrong impression or idea.

*sigh*
It's life.

My friends still love me.

People will understand one day.

Until then,
I just keep living,
documenting
etching my thoughts onto paper
and furiously stroking these keys
Hoping to shake this, find some peace, and make a difference.

Second Time Around.

If I Die Young by The Band Perry came on the radio for the second time in thirty minutes just now.
I love this song.
It's seriously one of my favorites
And I have just accepted the fact that people won't understand this.

I have a painting of part of the lyrics
Jenn saw it today and said, "Well, that's morbid"
She's never heard the song.
But, it's funny.
Because my life is rather morbid...

I remember as a kid when jonbennet Ramsey or however that's spelled died, I asked mom if when you died, you would stay that age in heaven.
I remember thinking how I wanted to die young.
I remember being fascinated with anything that had to do with death,
Like in movies and TV shows that had people that were dead as main characters
ie. Suzie Q, The Haunted Mansion, That episode of Are You Afraid Of the Dark? where the character died, but didn't realize they died, and only one person could see them, so they showed them the newspaper articles about it...
Stuff like that
Always was my favorite.
Always.

It's ingrained in me.
I can't shake it.

I'm very unique.
Chances are, you won't meet anyone else like me.

That's why I'm afraid of marriage.
Afraid to get too close to people.
There's a depth to me that too many know, but not many active people in my life know.
To fully understand me, you must know this.
Still, most who know it don't understand me.

There are a few people I really want to tell.
Not sure if they'd understand, so I don't say anything.
I just write letters.
That also seems to be how I handle things.
It's not wise for me to say anything anyways.

I'm not worried.
I have learned a lot recently.
I get these glimpses
And they help me understand.

I'm very contemplative right now.
I guess I'm just realizing a lot about myself
What makes me tick.
It's interesting.

I hate when I feel like I talk a lot.
I love listening to people.
I like even more when I can listen to people, and they ask for my input, and listen to it