Closed Door, Bathroom Floor

Nothing looks familiar
Nothing feels the same
Scenery keeps changing
As soon as I learn it's name
I feel the eyes are watching
Their glances seer my skin
Expecting me to remain whole
As I fall apart within.
My heavy heart keeps beating
Thoughts remain incomplete
Body becomes weary
Eyes afraid to find sleep.
Still, I must press on
Continue the work of my hands
and the rythymn of my breathing
Through all this life demands.

I think people expect me to be able to handle the things I can't
And don't expect me to be able to handle the things I can.

I'm opposite
I'm backwards of most people.

I don't really know what to do.

I feel kinda like a failure.
Not good enough.
I haven't been able to meet people's expectations.

Is that bad? Or is that okay?
I don't know.
I'm not even suppose to be posting this
But, I fear if I didn't get it out, I might explode.

Change.

The Change continues.

I don't know how okay I am with this.

Honestly, I want to cry
But I don't even have a door to shut.

I don't think I'm okay
But I don't know what to do about it.

I don't know where life is going
I don't know what to think or how to feel
I honestly feel lost
And as soon as I get used to something, it gets all re-arranged.

I'm sure I'll be okay
And I'll get used to it
But right now it's really hard
And I just want to cry.

I got to be a part of my friend proposing to my really good friend.
It was truly an honor.

I've done a lot of thinking
A lot of evaluating.

People are interesting.

When it's all said and done, she is the only person I've known that I've gotten to see the whole process
And not in a creeper way.
I just got to talk to her about what God was showing her before he was in the picture
And then talked to her after he was in the picture, and what she thought
I was there for the engagement
And I'll do everything in my power to be there for the wedding.

It gives me hope.
To see God come through for His obedient child.

I don't think I let myself sleep.
I think I'm too afraid to stop.

Where is the peace?

What am I doing wrong?

These dreams currently have been scaring me.

confessions from the cove.

An Evanescence song just came on the radio.
My Immortal.

I used to love this song.
It was a haunting addiction.
I haven't listened to it in a long time
And now, here it is.

It's funny what all a simple song can bring back with it's first few chords.
And it's crazy to sit here now and think of how far I've come.
Even scarier to think how easy it would be to go right back into it.

Like there's this giant canyon seperating me and my past
But that canyon can be crossed in a single moment.

Song is over.
Adele is on now.
Much, much better.

Fight another day.

Kindness.

God sure knows.
He knows what we need.
From the complex to the simple.

Sometimes it's a major breakthrough.

Sometimes it's a simple card
An encouraging word
And a pair of elephant socks.

It's amazing what a kind action can do.
It can change the course of someone's entire day.
It can change someone's life.

I don't want to be here.
I don't want to be there.

What happens when there's no where you want to be?

I want to be understood.
I want to be okay.
I want to be happy.
I want to feel better.
I want to stay smaller.
I don't want to worry.
I don't want to have my brain explode with all this mindless nonsense.

I just want to do the right thing.

People seem to be hatin' on me.
Whatever.

Skipped.

I skipped church again today.
second week in a row.

This never happens.
Ever.
Besides the last two weeks, the last time I missed a Sunday service was when one of my girls at Bible school was sick and they had me stay back with her.
I remember dancing in the rain outside after having my own church in my room.
It's cool to be the only one on that campus.

I just feel so watched at that church.
I know everyone, and I feel if I was to respond or something, they are all watching me.
Why do I feel like this?
Because if I ever do respond, someone always says something.
I don't want that...
It makes me feel awkward.

It's probably mainly because the person who usually watches and says awkward things reminds me of and knows the guy who harassed me.
He's way older, and doesn't act like it.
It's just awkward...

So, here I am.
Having church in my room.
I'm sure I'll get condemning comments from a few people.
But, the great part is
Most of my friends understand

I love open-minded people.

I hope to not make this a habit
And the Net will be starting up again soon, which a lot of people consider their home church anyway
So, that'll be good.

silly life.
you're so confusing sometimes.

Maybe.

Maybe I just shouldn't talk to anyone about anything.
Everything works out, anyway.
Why waste the time of talking about it.
It only makes people know, and then they state their opinions...
And when everything works out, you feel stupid.

I don't understand this crazy life we live in
And as soon as I think I do, everything changes.

Understood.

I feel different.
And as I look back on the last few days, I can see it.
I don't understand it.

I wish I did.
It leaves me feeling frustrated.
It leaves me crying.
Crying out, for some form of answer
Some form of solution.

But, honestly, if I found the answer and solution I seem to long for
what would I do with it?
Would I be satisfied?
I never seem to be.

Where is happiness?
Is it in having everyone happy with me?
In doing my best to please them all?
No.
I know this isn't it.
But, somewhere deep engrained in me is the desire to make other people happy.
That's what I find makes me feel better on hard days.

But, then I come across the pain of when they are no longer in my life...
Sometimes people do that.
Or, I've been hurt by so many people.
Or I'll have these expectations for them, and when they don't reach it, I get so disappointed...

My heart breaks.
I'm torn.

There's so much change going on in my life.
I feel like everything is being shaken and I can't find my footing.
I just fall to the floor, crying.

I've been crying more lately.
Obviously.
But if asked why
What made me cry?
I'd have no answer.

Just,
My heart hurts.
And I don't understand it.

I am such a mess.

I find myself crying, and I have no idea what for.
My heart feels so heavy sometimes
That all I can think to do is breakdown.
And I do it without thinking.

It's like some tragedy should be occurring.
Like I should be coping.

Maybe it's the tragedy of my generation
Feeling the weight of their blindness...
My heart is broken.

Awake! Awake, oh sleepers!!

Provider.

Jimmy: I'm trying to win some money so I can help you out.
Me: You don't have to do that, Jimmy...
Jimmy: But I want to. You're my favorite.



Que me choking up.

It's funny, you know, how people are afraid to follow God.
I find it to be the most rewarding thing.
Some people are afraid because they can't see how it will work out.
It doesn't make sense in your head.
But, I think that ends up being the best part.
Just, living life, doing what you're suppose to.
Something happens that can stress you out, but instead you compose yourself and remind yourself of the promise God gave you before stepping out
Then watching Him work.
In little ways.
Ways you would have never expected.

It's the most rewarding thing anyone could ever ask for.

The Martyr's Song.

I read this book by Ted Dekker.
It was a Half Price Books find that I picked up.
My dad was looking for new authors. He's an avid reader, and has read all of his book numerous times. I had remembered my SA at TBI reading books by him, so I was looking for him for my dad.

I didn't know it was part of a series until I read the forward that said you didn't have to read them in any certain order.
Good thing, because I didn't.
It was actually a short read.
A short read that leaves you floored.

Really, I don't even know what to think or feel right now.

The book comes with a CD.
In the book, there's a song.
I'll try not to say anymore so I don't ruin the book, although I don't think it would ruin it...
But, the song is one that Todd Agnew recorded with The Martyr's Song in it.
I popped it in after reading the book.

It starts with the chorus that you read in the book.
"Sing, O son of Zion
Shout, O child of mine
Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind."

As I heard the song, I could have sang along.
But, I've never heard the song.
I remember finding it on Itunes before
but I don't ever remember hearing the chorus...

I just bought the other books in the series on Amazon.

There are moments where I find myself looking around wherever I am
And just smiling.

It's moments like these that get me through life.

Honestly, things have been hard.
I've been pretty down
Trying to keep my head above water.

And it's noticing these little moments that make life worth it.

I hope the people that make these moments possible realize what they mean to me.

God has blessed me with some unexplainabley wonderful people in my life
These people, I like to call my "Friends."
And they deserve that title to the utmost extent that is possible to be formed.

It's so comforting to have people that care enough about you to pray for you, even if they haven't seen you in months and may not know what's going on entirely. They still let you squeeze the mess out of their hand and hold you while you're crying so much that snot is running down your face.

<3

Thank You, God, for boldness.

Life is intense.
Tonight as I sat in the back row of the concert I was shooting, I just felt...unexplainable.
Like breaking.

I am exhausted, had seen people I hadn't seen in a very long time, long day at work, uncertainties about the future of concerts, flashbacks with the bands playing, swimming in memories, my head was hurting, didn't feel too well, etc.

I felt like curling up in a ball on that back row and crying myself to sleep.

I didn't.
I couldn't
I don't really let people see me break, and it seems that someone is always watching me.
It's like the girl I used to be is still deep inside, like I can revisit her at anytime.
She's a part of me.

Where is my life going?
Will I, too, be loved?
What am I suppose to do right now?
Should I just be content and let thing happen?
Will I know?
What will become of me?
What about the dream I had last night?
It seemed so real, but, was it about me? Or symbolic?

So.
Many.
Thoughts.

So.
Many.
Emotions.

So.
Tired.

The end.

thoughts

I do my best
But, I don't feel "home."

There's a lot of change happening
And I really don't feel I have a place to just... be.
The best I can is at work
Thank God for such a great workplace.

Maybe some things aren't meant to be written.
Especially publically.

I've found this out first hand that it can bite you in the butt.

So why do we still write?
Chances are if the person ever found the post, it'd be misunderstood.

I don't know what to think.

My heart is already so heavy.
I've cried more today than I have in months.
Most of it within the first 30 minutes of being awake.

It's been such an emotionally draining day.
What can I do about it?
I don't know what to think
I don't know what to feel
I don't know what to do.

I'm never enough for people.
Which I'm accepting.
I know I can't make everyone happy, and I'm okay with that.
But it's still hard when it seems that everyone is upset with you
And you don't do anything right.

it's whatever, really
I'm learning more everyday.
When these things come up, I just check myself with what God thinks of me
That's what matters.

*sigh*
Maybe things won't always be like this.
Maybe they will.

It makes me skeptical of trusting people.
Makes me never want to.
But.
What kind of life is that?

Whatever.

Do Hard Things.

Just ran a rough situation by a dear friend of mine.
I wanted to get her advice as to what I should do
I know she won't lie to me. That she'll tell me what looks best.
That she'll give me good, sound advice.

The advice she gave is what will be difficult.
*Deep breath*
I should be used to this.
It seems to follow me.
It's what the others it will affect want, too.

I don't know how I'll react.
I'm sure I'll feel sick
fidget
avoid eye contact...

Sometimes in life, we have to do hard things.
Not worry about people involved...
Let it be.

I don't even really know why I'm making a post.
I have no idea where this is going.

This have been pretty trying recently.
So much so that I can't even seem to be able to find words to write in my paper journal.
But my heart is so full
And heavy.

Maybe I just don't want to face everything
Try and ignore it, maybe it'll go away.
But, I'm not ignoring everything.
I just don't know how to express it.

Sometimes I get these unexplainable feelings
Kinda like something is about to happen that I should be anticipating
But I have no idea what it might be.

Maybe that's why I have the urge to write.
To try and somehow put words to this feeling.
To try and figure out what I'm anticipating.

I know I'm prophetic, and I'm starting to realize that God shows me more things before they happen than I realize.
That there are things I know that most people don't
That I'm just suppose to be like Mary, and treasure all these things in my heart.

It's an interesting life I lead.
Often times I try and get people to understand it
But now I'm finally realizing this is an impossible task
And one I don't need to try and take on.

Deja Vu.

May.

May is upon us.
Things are about to get crazy busy.

I have found myself being kinda introverted today.
Not really caring to see people. Or interact.
Coming off kind of harsh and cold to people trying to be cordial.

I don't really know what to think.
I'm already tired.
And have so much ahead of me.
I feel like I'm just going to break.

Maybe I should.

It's that thought and feeling of
if anyone knew, they wouldn't understand
they'd assume and worry.
When it's really nothing.

oh well.