Control.

A lot of the stuff God is digging up in my life recently has to do with control.
My desire to have it.
My need to let it go.
And everything in between...

Today, a dear friend of mine came in to the shop. I've gotten to know her from working at coffee waves. I absolutely love her, she is very dear to me. Her mom is absolutely precious, and it brightens my day anytime they come in.
Today was extra special, because recently, my dear friend had to have brain surgery. I was so bummed that I couldn't go see her in the hospital, but part of the reason was the fact that she got released so quickly, which is good :)
Talking to her mom, she described the whole ordeal. The seizure, catching the tumor early, the scar--everything that goes in to these sort of things. Now, I've read plenty of blogs from people going through difficult things like this. It seems to be the cool thing to do. The stories are ones of sadness, as well as strength.
This one just hit closer to home. It put it all into perspective.
She told me how Syd joked about dying when they did the surgery. Laughing as she said, "change my status to 'Chillin' with Jesus'" Anita let out a slight chuckle and said, "It killed me to hear you joke like that!" It was a light hearted moment. Then, when it was just Anita and I, she told me. "That was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through."
It's like everything God has been trying to teach me all fell into place with that one statement.
What Anita must have felt as a mother, seeing her baby girl have to endure such a scary and risky thing, unsure of the outcome. Syd was a trouper though. There wasn't one ounce of fear in her little body. There never is. It's one of the awesome things about her. One of the ways I aspire to be more like her. Syd knew everything would be okay. But, she also had her mom taking the brunt of the battle. Anita has a greater understanding of the risks and possibilities to things like this. She has to watch and wait as the whole thing goes on. That's enough to drive any normal person. She told me how she really had to encourage herself and read scriptures to remind herself that everything was going to be okay.
And it was. And it is. Everything is okay.
In the moment, during the process, everything doesn't seem okay. And you have a choice. You can freak out, give up, and you can try to fix and hold everything together. But that's not gonna work.
Anita learned the depth of a powerful lesson. The benefits of trusting in God, that He will do the things He's promised us that He will. There was no sense in worrying, no sense in getting all worked up, trying to figure it all out. God has everything under control... we don't have to worry about a thing...

Now, I don't have a brain tumor, but the lesson is the same here.
I need to let go of control and trust God. He knows what He's doing. He has everything under control. It is all going to be just fine. Worry is stupid.
This isn't just a thing you can know and never fight again. Like Anita did, I have to keep encouraging myself in it. But if I do that, and trust that He's gonna handle everything, He will. And I save myself a lot of stress.

What a beautiful fact. <3

 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." 
Psalm 119:105


"Let My words--My promises, your trust in Me--guide you.

I hate that I get jealous and territorial.
I hate that I can't seem to find contentment.
I hate that I let these things bother me
That I let them consume my thoughts.

I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin
That I'm going to explode from the inside out
Like any move I make in any direction will be the wrong one.

I just want to "be" where I am
Not wishing I was somewhere else
Be there. While I'm there. Enjoying the moments I have.
I don't want my mind to be consumed with wishes and regrets and fears.

I need to figure out how to shake this.
I need confidence.
I need contentment.
I need to learn to trust...

Things have been downloading pretty heavily on me recently.
In a good way.
The moments I have are being filled in beautiful ways
Ways I couldn't express my gratitude for enough

I want to make and create as much as I can.
I'm looking up new patterns for blankets
Because these things will be here waaay longer than I will.
It's difficult, but I want to try and conquer this task. It's important to me.
But, now that it's burning on my heart, I have to wait.
which, I don't like.
But that's okay.
Cause a few hours isn't anything.

It'll be worth it. And awesome.

The past few days, it seems that everyone is complimenting me.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love it--it's really nice to have people make you feel loved and appreciated and like you matter and mean something--it just strikes me as odd that so many people are all doing this at once.
I feel almost like a celebrity.

I'm not that big of a deal. I'm really nothing. The only thing that's good in me is Christ.

I do sincerely cherish every single one of these comments and compliments... I have even been writing them down. I wish they were in writing so I could hang them around my room. I may write them down myself and hang them around my room anyway.

<3

Truth.

I never know how to answer the question
"what have you been up to lately?"
or anything similar to it.

I usually lie.
But I'm always wondering if they see right through me.

the ironic timing of these songs still surprises me.
I'll either know what it is before it plays
be singing the line right before the song even starts
think "this song should come on next" and it does
have a thought with a line similar to the one in the song right before it starts
be thinking about the topic of the song before the song.

tonights?

If I die young.

I'm not sure what to think.
I'm not sure what to feel.
As soon as I find myself getting confident, everything I was confident about gets thrown in my face.
Out of no where.
So, I sit here.
Completely clueless.

And I hate it, because I can't hide it.
And everyone seems to like to ask me questions
and want to know why I'm not okay
And I don't want to tell everyone
I want to be invisible.

But, that's impossible.
And I can't just hide, because I have responsibilities.

I want to scream.
I want to scream until my throat is sore.
I want to know what in the world is going on and what I can do to fix it
I want to know what's okay and what's not
What's me and what's other people.
What's acceptable, what's just being tolerated and what I need to fix.

When did life get this complicated?
I hate this feeling that I'm fighting.
It's ugly.
Probably green.
With red eyes.
And it's relentless.
No amount of sleep and chocolate seems to be able to fix it
Tears seem pointless, too.
but crying is about all I can do right now.







sigh.

I should stop thinking.

I think I am fighting depression.
Not that I am depressed, because I'm not
But I am fighting it.
And I think it is the hardest when I think too much.
I can get really discouraged. Possibly because I am such a dreamer. When I "wake up" from these dreams, and I see that I merely have reality, I get discouraged. I begin to think that these dreams will never happen, that I'm doomed to always be where I am.
But I'm not.
I know this.
I have hope and I know that God doesn't fail me.
It's just some nights I can't appreciate what I have. I have to work towards it. To remind myself of the beauty I have at my disposal. And not just wish my life away.
Something I told Ashley has stuck with me,
"You should enjoy the days you have or else you'll go crazy waiting for the ones you want."
It's funny how as soon as words leave your mouth, you're tested on what you said.

So true.
So, I'm teaching myself that right now
Also trying to figure out how to take more time for myself right now instead of waiting for when it's easy.
And how to take steps to do things that make me feel better about myself.
Trying on bridesmaids dresses that show my I-once-was-fat knees takes a toll on ones confidence.

Still have to figure out how all that is gonna work.

yet, I'm hopeful.
Life is good.