Determined.

For those of you who don't know
I used to be really sick.

Long story short, I couldn't eat anything without being completely miserable.
Pains in the stomach, headaches, misery...
If I could throw up, I would have.

I'm fine now.
I prayed, God healed me. Life is great.

Found out the next week that a lady who banks with us had to take her son to the ER for the exact same symptoms.
He has a brain tumor.

Learned a friend of mine's sister once had a brain tumor
and now has all the exact same symptoms...

But, the doctors don't know what to do...

My heart breaks. It's such a miserable feeling, especially when everything seems hopeless.

So, I'm determined
Someway, somehow to find the answer
How does a brain tumor connect with digestion?
And what's more, how was mine corrected by not hyperextending my legs anymore?

Some day I want to start a foundation to fund research for this.
There has to be an answer.

I'm determined to find that answer.

"It was kind of embarrassing"

That's what my co-worker said.
"It was kind of embarrassing"

What was he referring to?
Christian Music.

My heart broke.

Not only because he was referring to a song about my Best Friend, my Savior, my Deliver, my Healer, my Everything
but that I knew what he meant.

One of our co-workers is on vacation.
Since she has been, the other two changed the radio station to a local rap and R&B station from the country music we usually have it on.
I tolerated it at first, but the morning I opened, I changed to to the Christian radio station I used to volunteer at.
I noticed a difference in my temperment and everything.
It was one of the first times I can actually remember leaving work happy.

The next day when the other co-worker was there, he didn't say anything about the station being different
Until I came back from lunch.
He said,
"There was a construction worker guy in here, and they were playing some kind of kumbya kinda song that seemed like it would be played around a campfire... I just kinda stood there like... *insert face showing awkwardness* I was kinda embarrassed..."

I know the songs he's referring to. It's the ones from back when Christian music first became a genre. Granted, they can seem pretty old school...
But... I mean, did you even listen to the words?
Those old school songs are dripping with gratitude and love for my Savior.
They express the very things that God is all about
Love, Peace, Compassion
the Passion Jesus has for us
The importance of His Word
and much much more.

It's not our place to deem music embarrassing or not if it's talking about our Savior.
That should be reason enough to love it.
Does that make sense?

It's people's choice if they don't like it. We shouldn't be embarrassed to play it.
If they want to ask my why, I'll tell them
I have plenty of stories of ways Jesus has changed my life


I don't really know if this makes sense as to what I feel
but.
My Jesus is not embarrassing
And, granted, I'm not perfect, but I'm doing my best to not let anything hold me back in expressing how great God really is

The hardest is fear
especially the fear of man
and people's opinions

but, they're mere mortals
what can they do to me?

My spirit lives forever.

honestly.

Who am I, anyway?
I certainly don't know.

I find myself comparing myself to people
which mankes me feel like I'm not good enough at anything
I know this is ridiculous, but really, who am I kidding?

Why do I even try?

I'm nothing special.
Honestly.

And, I know this is ridiculous for me to be blasting all over the internet.
But, ironically, this is the one place I can put this stuff
Where I feel like I'm heard, without anyone really knowing about it.

When will this all stop?
What am I doing wrong?

Where's my opportunity?
Have I been presented with plenty I just haven't taken?
Am I spreading myself too thin?

What do you get when you cross a Hippo, Elephant and a Rhino?

Same answer.

Hell if I know. (Hellephino)

Regret.

I woke up contemplative today.
I guess my weekend has opened my mind and heart to many a-thing.

I started thinking about recent times I've used the word "regret"
What things I considered to be regretable.
Times I didn't spend with people
Decisions I made
Things I said
Things I didn't say

People I may have hurt
People I didn't give a chance to

So many things I could consider regretable.

Then, I really thought about it.

I've found the best things in my life to be the things I didn't expect.
You know, those things that come about so perfectly that you can only look back and wonder "How did this even happen?"
Friendships you never expected
Opportunities you never saw coming
Right place, right time kind of things.

So, if these things that find there way are the perfect things
Why do I try so hard?
Why do I try and take control
Make things happen
Get upset when life doesn't make sense?

The best things in life are the things that find their own way.

In this realization, I noticed that actuality is that my biggest regret is regret.
There's a reason I made the decisions I did
It was a different time
I was different that day then I have grown to be now.
Even though, in retrospect I may have done something differently
there's something about how I did things that day that got me to where I am today.

Things won't always be perfect
but I choose to believe they'll always be the way they're suppose to be
As long as you're doing what you're suppose to be doing
Doing the best you can.

So, to all my friends that just happened
The ones I look back on and wonder, "how did we even meet?"
I thank you.
If something happens in the future that causes us to grow apart
I just want to thank you for the time we have now.
I don't regret it.
Even if pain is in the future.
Who's to know what tomorrow holds anyway?
Ultimately, we can't control it.
So why try?

Let's just enjoy the heck out of today.
While we still have it
Before more time passes and life takes us all sorts of places.

Enjoy today for you.
However that may be.
Whethere it's doing something planned
Going on some trip
Or just watching movies at home
Or sitting in a coffee shop
Or meet up for 15 minutes in between classes.

Life is what you make it, but it's also what it makes of you.
You can't control everything.
Why not leave that to Jesus?

life. life. life.

Super busy as of late.
It makes me sad that I can't spend more time with people.
I guess I'm still in a TBI state of mind, and forget that I'm actually in the real world where I have a job I go to for eight hours daily.
That I have a schedule I must abide by.
That I can't please everyone.

That's been a new one for me, actually.
I mean, I know I can't please everyone
but, that's a hard thing for me to grasp.

Sometimes I just feeling like I'm failing people important to me. And, I don't know what to do about it.
It's really impossible to explain.
so, I won't try.
Hah.

But, I'm trying new things
so that's good.
It scares me
but if I'm not scaring myself, then what is life, really?
Boring.
That's what it is.

Plenty of thoughts are going through my head.
Don't think I could try and write a meaningful blog even if I wanted