I think too much.

Why can't I just live?

I have decided.

There is nothing that ice cream can't fix.
I posted this on my facebook, and a friend posted
"Ice cream is the duct tape of life"
So true.

I was sitting here
In distress
Unsure of what to do.
Unsure of what to say.
Unsure.

A friend messaged me
Seemingly normal.
She had no idea that she was helping me completely.
Asked what I was doing, if she could come over
I warned her that I was a mess
And she said she'd be over soon.

She brought ice cream.
Not just ice cream,
But straight up Oreo ice cream.

I think there's a certain comfort and safety in ice cream.
One that makes you feel safe enough to actually open up.
Even if you don't say anything
It's like medication for your soul.

We sat.
I verbal vomitted what I could get up.
She sat
She listened.
Then, she asked,
"Do you want me to tell you what I think? Or do you just want to get it out?"
Not a trace of sarcasm. She was serious, and it was exactly what I needed.
She confirmed things that I had wondered if I was right or just over-reacting
She helped me see what wasn't my fault
And what I don't need to pick up as something that is my fault.

I'm too hard on myself
I blame myself for a lot.

I was so unsure of who I could trust.
Who I could talk to
What I should do.

I'm going through a season change
So there's a lot of things I'm uncertain of
And it just gets hard.
But, last night made things more clear.

I'm not sure what to do about the next month
I guess I'll just take it one day at a time.
See what happens.

But I can face today
I have hope for tomorrow
And I know Who to put my full trust into.
And He will never fail me.

God's love is strong.

honesty.

I'm failing at life.

honestly
right now, I feel defeated.
So defeated that I can't even write in my paper journal.
I don't know how to put words to paper.

I feel like crying
I feel like hiding

I feel like a mistake.

I hate being hurt.

There's this feeling I'm fighting
And, I want to verbal vomit all over this blog.
I'm fairly certain it would be safe,
But I screwed up a great friendship by posting thoughts on a blog one time
It was a misunderstanding I couldn't delete before the friend saw it.

I'm hoping this is just a misunderstanding.
Because I find myself having to pick myself up from hurt feelings.
I don't say anything, because it's probably just me.

But it gets me to questioning.
Why bother getting close to people?
I get hurt.
Who do I know that I can really trust anyway?

But it seems to be what I long for.
That person to trust and not be afraid of getting hurt
Someone to prove everyone else wrong.

Maybe this will just always happen.
Maybe I should stop trying.
Maybe I should just keep everything to myself.

I question this all the time
I'm tired about writing the same thing over and over and over again...

I'm so stupid.

Proud Father--Jon Mclaughlin

There will be crying,

being the man that you should.
But, always be trying,
to see all the bad and the good.
And yours is a promising future,
but, know if it all were to fade.
But a proud father of me
you have already made.
And I'll try to be,
all of the answers that you'd ever need.
And I'll try to show,
All of the love that you need to know.

May the sparks in your eyes,
Outlive the lines on your face.
Hold on to the moments in time,
when you and I share the same space.
And thoughts of you hurt me,
but I know the feeling of wrong.
'Cause there are lessons to learn,
in all of the places I've gone.

And I'll try to be,
all of the answers you'd ever need.
And I'll try to show,
All of the love that you need to know.

So hold on to someone,
who'll love you through the hot,
and the cold.
And hold on to someone,
who'll love you,
no matter what they know.
Just hold on to someone,
who'll love you when your hot,
and when your cold.
And hold on to someone.
who'll love you,
no matter who they know.

Open your mind,
So colors of skin you embrace.
And open your eyes,
to harmony coming of age.
It won't always be easy to love,
when you give and you never get back.
But, no one's intended to die,
with their heart still intact.

And I'll try to be,
all of the answers that you'd ever need.
And I'll try to show,
All of the love that you need to know.

So take time to be still and to know,
that all of the world that you'll face.
That a proud father of me,
you have already made.

I'm ridiculous.

Sometimes I just look at myself and shake my head...

I'm ridiculous.
Stupid things bother me.
There are times I care way too much
I think way too much.
I worry way too much.

Why don't I just let things be what they are?
Let things happen?
Why do I get so territorial?

Especially after all the great things that just happened
Especially knowing what I know.

Why am I afraid my friends will steal away my other friends?
That's really stupid.

I want to just be confident in who I am.
I don't want to worry about what's going on around me.
I don't want to think too much about or into anything.

I wish I could shut my brain off and just enjoy life.

Tonight was intense.
I had to face quite a few fears.
I couldn't even fully journal about it...

Thankfully, I have some pretty amazing friends
I am forever grateful to them.