God has blessed me with some unexplainabley wonderful people in my life
These people, I like to call my "Friends."
And they deserve that title to the utmost extent that is possible to be formed.

It's so comforting to have people that care enough about you to pray for you, even if they haven't seen you in months and may not know what's going on entirely. They still let you squeeze the mess out of their hand and hold you while you're crying so much that snot is running down your face.

<3

Thank You, God, for boldness.

Life is intense.
Tonight as I sat in the back row of the concert I was shooting, I just felt...unexplainable.
Like breaking.

I am exhausted, had seen people I hadn't seen in a very long time, long day at work, uncertainties about the future of concerts, flashbacks with the bands playing, swimming in memories, my head was hurting, didn't feel too well, etc.

I felt like curling up in a ball on that back row and crying myself to sleep.

I didn't.
I couldn't
I don't really let people see me break, and it seems that someone is always watching me.
It's like the girl I used to be is still deep inside, like I can revisit her at anytime.
She's a part of me.

Where is my life going?
Will I, too, be loved?
What am I suppose to do right now?
Should I just be content and let thing happen?
Will I know?
What will become of me?
What about the dream I had last night?
It seemed so real, but, was it about me? Or symbolic?

So.
Many.
Thoughts.

So.
Many.
Emotions.

So.
Tired.

The end.

thoughts

I do my best
But, I don't feel "home."

There's a lot of change happening
And I really don't feel I have a place to just... be.
The best I can is at work
Thank God for such a great workplace.

Maybe some things aren't meant to be written.
Especially publically.

I've found this out first hand that it can bite you in the butt.

So why do we still write?
Chances are if the person ever found the post, it'd be misunderstood.

I don't know what to think.

My heart is already so heavy.
I've cried more today than I have in months.
Most of it within the first 30 minutes of being awake.

It's been such an emotionally draining day.
What can I do about it?
I don't know what to think
I don't know what to feel
I don't know what to do.

I'm never enough for people.
Which I'm accepting.
I know I can't make everyone happy, and I'm okay with that.
But it's still hard when it seems that everyone is upset with you
And you don't do anything right.

it's whatever, really
I'm learning more everyday.
When these things come up, I just check myself with what God thinks of me
That's what matters.

*sigh*
Maybe things won't always be like this.
Maybe they will.

It makes me skeptical of trusting people.
Makes me never want to.
But.
What kind of life is that?

Whatever.

Do Hard Things.

Just ran a rough situation by a dear friend of mine.
I wanted to get her advice as to what I should do
I know she won't lie to me. That she'll tell me what looks best.
That she'll give me good, sound advice.

The advice she gave is what will be difficult.
*Deep breath*
I should be used to this.
It seems to follow me.
It's what the others it will affect want, too.

I don't know how I'll react.
I'm sure I'll feel sick
fidget
avoid eye contact...

Sometimes in life, we have to do hard things.
Not worry about people involved...
Let it be.

I don't even really know why I'm making a post.
I have no idea where this is going.

This have been pretty trying recently.
So much so that I can't even seem to be able to find words to write in my paper journal.
But my heart is so full
And heavy.

Maybe I just don't want to face everything
Try and ignore it, maybe it'll go away.
But, I'm not ignoring everything.
I just don't know how to express it.

Sometimes I get these unexplainable feelings
Kinda like something is about to happen that I should be anticipating
But I have no idea what it might be.

Maybe that's why I have the urge to write.
To try and somehow put words to this feeling.
To try and figure out what I'm anticipating.

I know I'm prophetic, and I'm starting to realize that God shows me more things before they happen than I realize.
That there are things I know that most people don't
That I'm just suppose to be like Mary, and treasure all these things in my heart.

It's an interesting life I lead.
Often times I try and get people to understand it
But now I'm finally realizing this is an impossible task
And one I don't need to try and take on.

Deja Vu.

May.

May is upon us.
Things are about to get crazy busy.

I have found myself being kinda introverted today.
Not really caring to see people. Or interact.
Coming off kind of harsh and cold to people trying to be cordial.

I don't really know what to think.
I'm already tired.
And have so much ahead of me.
I feel like I'm just going to break.

Maybe I should.

It's that thought and feeling of
if anyone knew, they wouldn't understand
they'd assume and worry.
When it's really nothing.

oh well.