oh, you know, that moment when you feel absolutely ridiculous so all you do is cry on your bedroom floor because you don't know what else to do.
What's worse is knowing that you knew better. That it would turn out the way it did. Even preparing for the inevitable, and then it twists to still be the inevitable, but in ways that cut deeper.
And it's all part of the lesson you're supposed to be learning.
No? Just me?
well then, just carry on as usual.
Nothing to see here.

sigh.

Oh these lessons in life.
I'm grateful to be learning.
These are just the difficult ones
You know, the ones that go deep down to the very root.
Challenging ways I've lived my entire live and trying to reroute and re mold it all.
It's difficult.
Even more so knowing that I have to learn it alone.
Not that I don't have people more than willing to be here for me
That's just part of the lesson.
Honestly, I hate it.
I don't want to be in this.
I don't want to have to learn all of this. I want to fast forward. And if I can't do that, I want to hide until it's over.
Why does it have to be like this? Why do I have to learn this way? It hurts. It's not easy.
Exactly.
Without pain, there wouldn't be much learning, now would there?
no.
So when the voices scream in my ear, telling me I'm nothing, I'm not loved, I'm worthless, I'm a failure, I'm forgotten and replaced. Trying to convince me that I'm completely alone. That I'll always be alone. That no one cares that I'm still here
I can fight.

I need to grow in confidence.
A seemingly simple lesson, yes.
Yet, here I am.
Sometimes I wonder if this is really my lesson to be learned, or just pain being bestowed upon me and covered up with "you need to change"
but, I don't think that's the case.
Regardless, it does me good to get better.
I'm paranoid. That needs to stop.
Where did my trust go? Where is my confidence?
My ability to sit in a room all alone and not be freaking out or anxious or completely crushed.
Things need to change.
I just wish I fully knew and understood how.

*shrug*
oh well

Learning

I know life is one extended learning process, but I'm really learning here lately.
Usually my life lessons come with the guidance of a friend, holding my hand, telling me I'll be okay.
This time around, here lately, I've been realizing that I don't have that luxury anymore. And I think that is the lesson.
Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of friends willing to hold my hand and reassure me, but I'm just not allowed to use it this time. There's certain things I can't disclose to be able to get the help of a friend.
So, here I am. On my own.
But it's good. I need to learn it.

I still don't feel 100% settled. It'll probably help whenever I'm fully moved over here, but then again, will it?
I don't know.
I don't know what I need to make myself feel settled.
I tell myself that I need to take time just for me. Get stuff done, just be.
But, when I try and do that, I'm longing so much to be with the people I care about most.
Maybe it's the fact that I don't really have a set schedule. And that right now is a little more intense because of how busy  my schedule is.
Heck, I don't know.

What I do know is that I have life, and I want to live it.
I want to be afraid less, I want to love more.
I want to learn.
I want to cry when I'm sad, and laugh when I'm amused
No apologies.