Kindness.

Recently, for whatever reason, I have been receiving the most beautiful compliments.
Ones that include phrases like, "you're my role model" and "I couldn't have made it through...without you." and other such of the sort.
Looking back now at how I've lived my life over the years, I never thought I was doing much of anything. I was just talking to people, being kind. I put my heart into it, because my heart is for people. If there was something I could do to help them breathe easier, why not do it?
Now, I'm not talking about running yourself into the ground to let people walk all over you, that's different.
This is just meeting the need. Doing what you have the ability to do to help people.
Sometimes it's as simple as just listening. Sometimes it's saying something encouraging. In high school, I baked brownies for people on occasion. And really, what I found that it did was it ended up encouraging me right back; sometimes even more than the encouragement I was giving. Seeing that they were able to have a better day inadvertently made my day better.
It's a win win.
What's more, is it can inspire other people to reach out in kindness. Sometimes on the days when you need it most yourself. I'll never forget such a time when I was a senior in high school. I was having a particularly rough morning, and just kinda went about it like normal; not really expecting anything spectacular to happen. I get to class to a gift on my desk. Two of my friends, Jennifer and Ainsley, had gone out of their way to make me cookies and give me a wall sign that said "you make me smile." They also wrote in a card where they told of how they noticed how I encouraged others and decided that I needed to have the favor returned. They will never fully know what that meant to me. When I got to my next class, I found homemade monkey bread and chocolate milk along with a mix CD from my friend Bethany. It was also accompanied by a card bursting with encouragement.
I've moved a lot over the years, but that wall sign goes with me to every new residence. It stands as a constant reminder of the power a little bit of kindness truly holds. And that mixed CD is still one of my favorites. Sadly, the original was mistakenly taken along with a case of my other favorite CDs one summer at camp, but not before I had it saved safely on my computer. I still turn to it when I'm in need of encouragement. Seven years later and it's encouragement still holds as strong as the first day.
These three girls will probably never fully know the depth of their impact on my life. I will never forget them and their kindness.
In the same way, if I can ever find a window to make someone feel how wonderfully, how wanted, how accepted, how important, how valued those girls made me feel that day, then why wouldn't I follow through with it? The time it would take to make it happen is so minimal when it comes to the resounding impact it leaves on a life.
Those girls inspired me that day. They inadvertently gave me a reason to live. A hope. Something to hold to. They gave me such a beautiful reminder that I am not just a meaningless shadow upon this earth, but that the life I live has purpose. That if my only purpose is to be able to make one person--just one person--breathe a little bit easier, then living every moment of this life is worth it. Even if all my life is is a bunch of ordinary days in the life of an ordinary person. Even if I never have a title to my name, an impressive resume, or an adventurous life that people envy.
I don't want to make people feel envious. I want to make them feel inspired, just like I was made to feel on that day my senior year of high school seven years ago.
So when people compliment me, when they thank me for my kindness, for my inspiration, for my encouragement, they aren't just thanking me. That gratitude belongs to these people throughout my life who took the time to fill an opportunity to make me feel like I was a life worth living. There's more than just these three girls; the list is quite extensive. If you want to know more of them, read my journals. They're all written about in those books. And just the same, their influence is carried in my heart every day  I'm still breathing.
Most people would look at me and think I'm strong enough; that I wouldn't need encouragement. So when someone takes the time out to go the extra mile to make sure the one that's encouraging gets encouraged, it stands out. Because usually, those are the ones who need it most. And most of the time, they won't even realize it until it's their.
Those are things you will never forget.

I could go on and on on this post; expounding more on kindness being unbiased, color blind, unprejudiced, open-hearted, intentional, open-minded, and numerous other things, but I'll stop it here.
Let this serve as a challenge. For you to find out for yourself how rewarding simple kindness really can be.
Who knows? You could even save a life.

"Your good intentions are killing me.

You're pouring affection over my head

I wish I was dead--I'm drowning.

Pointing my toes as far as they'll go

In some hopeful attempt to reach solid ground.

It's nowhere to be found.

Surrounded by your misunderstanding

I have nowhere left to turn

It's hard enough silencing the voices in my head

Shut yours up. I've had enough.

Just let me live.

Take your emotions out of it.

Life is uncertain

Love me enough to let me go."

Posting this here. Because if I posted it elsewhere, people would think I'm depressed.

On the contrary. I'm quite happy and content.

It seems I've finally been given a break in life.
This week things are looking up. I only wish they could stay this way...
I'm hopeful that soon, things are finally gonna happen to bring me to this state permanently like I have been striving for. But for now, I'll greatly and gratefully accept this oasis in the desert.

The Lord is about to do something big.
I couldn't  ignore it if I tried.
I know the place I'm in--this queue before--is one that potentially leaves me vulnerable. I need to stay focused. I can't let anything sway me. I have to keep my eyes forward. I have to keep my eyes on God.
He knows what He's doing. He isn't going to lead me wrong. Everything will work out, even when it seems a little tense.

His hand is all over this.

I'm supposed to be watching Grey's Anatomy right now, but I just can't bring myself to...
Okay, I guess "supposed to be" isn't the right term here.
I usually would be watching Grey's Anatomy right now, but I just can't peel myself away...
There's something here, lingering, I'm not certain, but I can't ignore it.
And I most certainly don't want it to go away.
I don't necessarily want to be here. I want everything to happen that's supposed to be changing my life into a fairy tale. But we all know it doesn't happen that easily, right?
After all, I'm not Cinderella. Heck, I don't even have a step mother. I do have a half sister, but I haven't heard from her in 20 years so I don't think that counts. And even so, the memories I have of her are good ones, so that doesn't exactly constitute as "evil."
So what do I do about this? There's plenty I could do for work, too, but I can't bring myself to...
There's something else here lingering.
Really, I want to be asleep. But, that's not an option. Even if it was, the air may be too thick for it.
So... that still leaves me here... searching...
Longing, wanting, yearning to fill whatever this hunger is inside of me.
But if nothing feels "right" then what exactly am I to do about this?
I was taught that if you don't feel peace anywhere else, then don't move until you do.
That's why I'm here... even though this doesn't necessarily feel like peace, per say.
Maybe that's just preparing me for whatever is ahead. Cautioning me that change is coming. To not get too comfortable. To just sit back and trust.
It's not always gonna be easy, this life, but that doesn't mean we don't have to enjoy it. Even on the days that are less pleasant.
One day all of this will prove worth it. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Now I wish I could sleep...

I'm really looking forward to dance classes this summer.
We all get to stay for the advanced class, and she's doing a specific pointe class that I get to stay for even though I'm not on pointe. It's really gonna help get me there.
I'M PUMPED

"It's kinda like, you don't know what hunger is if you always have food. You don't really understand hunger if you're always full. sometimes we just gotta understand hunger. We gotta go through rough stuff to really learn how good God really is."

Just wrote that to a kid I'm talking to on facebook chat.
Super random
Clearly God-ordained.

That one hit me after I wrote it.
That's why sometimes God allows us to go through really rough seasons. One's where comforts and loves are taken away. So we can truly understand what we're missing. And what is really important.

Ya know, I've been in a funk of sorts for a few weeks now.
And I don't really care that I'm here.
Today, though, it started feeling really lonely
But I didn't know who I even wanted.
I couldn't really think of anyone
No one that could get this complexity in me.
And I was okay with that. Content.

I got a text. From a dear friend of mine.
Hadn't heard from her in a while, but she needed to get something off her chest.
No matter what, no matter where we are, or where life takes us, we know we can always text each other.
We'll be there.
And I realized.
Until whatever I'm on the brink of happens,
I'm not alone.
When no one else gets me, when I find myself in this dark place. When the only thing that makes sense is seclusion, she meets me there.
So I can get through these dark times
These times when nothing makes sense.
These transition times when my heart is ahead of my reality.

that is a cherished friend.