The American Dream is a Nightmare.

Not sure of how much sense this will all make to you, but in my head, it is clear as a bell.

Thought one:
Homeless people--people who have lost everything--seem to be the biggest givers.

I was reading an article about a person who lost everything they had. And they found themselves sitting next to a homeless person who--also having nothing--gave them the one thing he did have.
I don't remember the details of what it was, but this hit me.

Think about it.
The homeless person, they don't have anything. This is what they've become, they just learn to deal with it. But, if you were to lose everything and end up on the streets tomorrow, it would be a complete new adjustment to you. But, the homeless person is content in what he has, but knowing that you aren't, he'd rather give you what you feel you need then to keep it for himself. It has more value giving it away then it does keeping it.

I don't know how much you give...but for me, I find the biggest sense of joy and peace and...fulfillment when I give to someone else.
In high school, someone caught on, because if I had a bad day, I would find someone that was having a bad day and make them brownies. It always made me feel so much better knowing that someone else's day got a little brighter.
Then, one day, they sabotaged me--not even realizing I was having such a hard day--three of them, one unbeknownst to the other two, and completely made my day.
I have never forgotten what they did for me that day. I don't think they realized just how much it meant to me.
It's like that quote, "People may not remember what you say, but they'll remember how you made them feel."
This anonymous person must be pretty wise.

which leads into thought two:
You have more influence then you realize.
This hit me today while listening to the heart of one of our youth that I am so privileged to call one of my very good friends.
I was trying to find the word to describe her.
She has got to be one of the biggest jewels in our youth group. And you know what? not many people would realize it. At least, not many of the "big named" people, or whatever.
But really, she is wise far beyond her years. Her heart is bigger than Texas, and listening to her is when this thought popped into my head.
But in comparing her to other youth, what makes her stand out?
She gets it.
She gets what life is really about.
It's not about stupid petty things that are hear today, and old news tomorrow...
She knows she's not perfect, but that's okay. That what matters is if she can help someone, she will.
She has heart.
Sadly, something so many people are missing.

But think about it.
This is a rather risky thing.
I was talking to another one of our precious youth today, whom I am also privileged to call a friend. She just cried as she watched people love on Jesus. She didn't know why, but her heart is just so big, and she understood the value those moments hold for people. Having a big heart is a risky thing. You often get hurt, walked all over, and pour all you have into someone just to have them leave you or throw it back in your face amongst other things...it's a risk.
but it's a risk that's worth it.
That's what people are missing.

It's okay to get hurt. To get walked all over. To pour out everything you have into someone just to have them leave and throw it back in your face.
It's okay to take the risk of love and compassion.

And really, it's the most worth it thing I've ever known.
It reaps benefits and joy like nothing else can.
I don't care if anyone ever knows my name. I don't care if I ever obtain some fancy title, or win any kind of award. That means nothing to me.
But to know that I can sit down with someone, and know that they can trust me. To know that they can find comfort in our company. Words don't even have to be said...
To know that they have someone to call at 3am, or even if they're too afraid to call, God wakes me up to pray, or call, or text, or whatever for them...
To know that someone wears a smile that may not have before...
I'm sure they would have made it through without me... but to know that I can help lighten the load a little bit... how could I not be there?
And this isn't about me. I'm not saying this for any sort of pat on the back, or comment saying how great I am. screw that. Sure, encouragement and pats on the back are nice every once in a while, but that's not why I do this. That's not why I posted this.

Galatians 6:2 says "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ"
or, in the message
Galatians 6:1-3 "Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day's out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived. "

Honestly, if you saw someone next to you crying, how could your heart not go out?
If you knew you had something the person next to you desperately needed, how could you not give it?
You do.
You have a few things.
First, you have Jesus (well, if you don't. You best get Him. Make your life complete!)
Second, you have two arms.
Third, you have two ears.

That's generally all you need.
And further, you have two lips, and words to form prayers. You have the power of prayer. That does more than anything.
I can't even begin to think of where I'd be without prayer.
(To any of you in any walk of my life that have prayed for me. Thank you, from the bottom, top, side, and every part of my heart. I wouldn't be here without it.)

Furthermore.
1 Timothy 2:1 says " I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them."
Do it. Pray for them. Even if you can't stand them, or the decisions they're making. Pray anyway.
You could be the only lifeline to God they have.

Think about it.

Thank you for reading all this.
If you read the whole thing, you honestly rock.

Much.

There is much to learn.
I am realizing this a little more every day...
With every difficult thing I find in my lap, there's a lesson to be learned.
A chance for growth.

I just wish I could hurry up and learn it so things wouldn't be so difficult.

I'm really having a hard time.

No one knows it. I haven't told anyone.
I think maybe that's how it should be...

I know what everyone would say if I said anything. And, I'm not really "dwelling" on it, to where it's the first thing off my tongue in conversation, but it is something I'm constantly thinking about.
Because I don't understand it.
It's like it was just handed to me...and now I'm sitting here... clueless as to what to do with it.

Either way, I seem to lose...

I'm beginning to realize, I still have pretty much no confidence.
The sad thing is that I have loads more than I used to, even a year ago.
But, I still have very far to go.

I know I need to just cling to Jesus, which is what I do.
But, then there are the curveballs... and they're hard ones, they hit deep because so much of this is entwined in the ministry... so I get confused a little bit, and frustrated as to what to do or say or how to feel... if I should stand up for myself, or just "do the right thing" and give in...
But I'm afraid if I keep giving in, I'll just always be in the place I'm in, and I know where my life is going, that isn't very wise. So... it's really hard. No one seems to understand. Which, it's really not hard to understand.

oi.

I just wish I knew if what I was doing was right or wrong.
Or what I can do to improve it.
But I don't have anyone to tell me.

My heart keeps taking these hits.

I don't really like being so emotional. Actually, I hate it. But I embrace it, because I know it's necessary to be who God made me to be. And that it's important for the big picture...even if I feel like I completely fail.

Stupid hard drive...you made me go through old pictures, and remember, and hurt.

at a glance.

I feel weird.
I'm not really sure why, or how to explain it...
...it's just. Weird.
I'm not a big fan, probably mostly because I can't explain it, and I don't know what to do with it.
I should be used to it.

Maybe it's time for a "fact" post.

Fact:I hate that I can't do daily physical activity. Am I just being lazy and making up excuses? I really want to. It causes fits of rage. I try to just not think about it. But today I feel it.
Fact:I feel like I want to be alone. But at the same time, I want company. I guess just the right company. Ones that I don't have to say anything at all to.
Fact:I don't want to go to work. I hate that I don't want to go. Why can't I just enjoy it?
Fact:I wish I cared less about things. That I could actually take the time to enjoy them.
Fact: I'm probably too lazy for my own good.
Fact: Being around Alicia and Chad makes me terrified to get into any kind of relationship. On the contrary, having Luke and Ella in the nursery makes me look forward to it. Needless to say, I'm a mess of emotions.
Fact: Sometimes I wish I could just say what's in my head and on my heart. What someone needs to hear, without them getting offended, and knowing that they would actually listen to me and not just hear me.
Fact: I wish the petty things would pass
Fact: I wish I could sleep for a few days
Fact: I freakin' hate distance.
Fact: I hate feeling forgotten
Fact: I really want to be somebody, I want my life to matter. Legitimately matter.
Fact: I wish I could hug Crissy right now. I miss her.
Fact: I wish I could just rest assured in the fact that everything will be okay...
Fact: I wish I could feel satisfaction in something
Fact: I wish I didn't feel so empty
Fact: I don't understand. And I don't like that.
Fact: I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to feel.
I don't really know much of anything.

I can tell myself I'll be okay, because I know I will
but these words don't seem to cut it for me today.

I'm beyond thankful that I'm not living the way I used to. I'm so grateful that I've grown past that...
But now what?
I don't want anything premature.
Maybe I should reevaluate life.

I don't know.

so it seems.

it seems that every time I convince myself that I'll be okay
I get smacked in the face by reality.

Why do people have to bring me down.
Why can't I just be free to believe all these dreams.
That I can make a difference.
That I can change the world...

Another thought in my head at this very moment?
I really want chicken.

hah.
I don't know how anyone keeps up with me.