The smell of the city is beginning to wear off
Reality is setting into the fibers of my clothes
The monsters are waiting for me
Behind doors I closed as I left.
This skin I'm in is still the same.
I see the world through eyes that
Change color when I cry.
The very eyes that have seen everything I know.
Every terror and triumph
Logged in my same brain,
Filed and put away.
These fingertips have touched worlds both here and there.
Same heart, beating words I can never say.
But now my eyes stay brown.
I don't cry anymore.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
You should know better.
There was a fly that got into the office today.
I big, fat fly that buzzed from room to room for hours.
Eventually, the fly hit the glass window and bounced off landing on its back on the floor. It struggled to flip itself back over as I watched, finally accepting it's seeming demise. I got up to see if I could flip it over, or somehow get it back outside when it got up a second wind and managed to get off its back and take off again, flying from room to room. I opened the door to try and lure it outside as it flew back my way only to be distracted by the smell and sound of rain.
Rain.
With bright, sunny, blue skies.
The sound of big drops colliding with everything around it.
I forgot the fly, walked outside, and just stood there.
Hands open, big cheesy grin on my face.
You'd think I was 6-years-old.
My co worker came out to leave for the post office and said, "Come back inside, people are gonna think you're crazy." to which I responded, "I'm already crazy." and proceeded to lavish the rain.
Rain.
Falling gently into the bulbs of the purple flowers blooming in the grass.
I squat down to watch it like I'd never seen it before in my life.
It was fascinating; beautiful, even.
So I found a nearly-dry patch of ground and sat down, taking in everything around me.
The water from the drain forming a make-shift creek as it wove its way through the parking lot.
The drops landing on the pavement, just to dry up shortly after. But only until there were many of them, then they all formed together to make the pavement a different shade of gray.
Feeling it on my skin like an old friend.
What is it about adults that we miss simple things like this?
We accept it in children, but chastise it in ourselves, why, because we should know better?
I would think that the children know better than us when it comes to things like this.
The world is so much more beautiful if we look at it for what it is and not through the scope of what it can do to make our lives easier or more of how we imagine things to be.
If we didn't have rain, we wouldn't have food, we wouldn't have beautiful green grass or flowers, we wouldn't have the means for rainbows to be formed.
We wouldn't have much of anything without rain.
If all we have is sunshine-y "perfect" days, we would never be able to appreciate them.
Appreciate the rain.
I big, fat fly that buzzed from room to room for hours.
Eventually, the fly hit the glass window and bounced off landing on its back on the floor. It struggled to flip itself back over as I watched, finally accepting it's seeming demise. I got up to see if I could flip it over, or somehow get it back outside when it got up a second wind and managed to get off its back and take off again, flying from room to room. I opened the door to try and lure it outside as it flew back my way only to be distracted by the smell and sound of rain.
Rain.
With bright, sunny, blue skies.
The sound of big drops colliding with everything around it.
I forgot the fly, walked outside, and just stood there.
Hands open, big cheesy grin on my face.
You'd think I was 6-years-old.
My co worker came out to leave for the post office and said, "Come back inside, people are gonna think you're crazy." to which I responded, "I'm already crazy." and proceeded to lavish the rain.
Rain.
Falling gently into the bulbs of the purple flowers blooming in the grass.
I squat down to watch it like I'd never seen it before in my life.
It was fascinating; beautiful, even.
So I found a nearly-dry patch of ground and sat down, taking in everything around me.
The water from the drain forming a make-shift creek as it wove its way through the parking lot.
The drops landing on the pavement, just to dry up shortly after. But only until there were many of them, then they all formed together to make the pavement a different shade of gray.
Feeling it on my skin like an old friend.
What is it about adults that we miss simple things like this?
We accept it in children, but chastise it in ourselves, why, because we should know better?
I would think that the children know better than us when it comes to things like this.
The world is so much more beautiful if we look at it for what it is and not through the scope of what it can do to make our lives easier or more of how we imagine things to be.
If we didn't have rain, we wouldn't have food, we wouldn't have beautiful green grass or flowers, we wouldn't have the means for rainbows to be formed.
We wouldn't have much of anything without rain.
If all we have is sunshine-y "perfect" days, we would never be able to appreciate them.
Appreciate the rain.
Kittens
Enjoy some pictures of the new kittens!
kitten butt
She likes hiding under my jacket.
Fluffy was jealous
So cuddlyyyy
I'm a puddle.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Funeral in the Wildflowers. ©
What was the ground like
Before you were in it?
Solid and untouched
Not yet a body pit.
Did it know this was
the fate that lie ahead?
Were there other hopes
than consuming the dead?
Now I’m sitting here
Knowing you’re six feet deep.
The thirsty ground yields
the tears from fallen cheeks.
Maybe after time
Has come and gone from me.
There will sprout flowers
Where my tears used to be.
Then there I will be
Next to you in the ground.
Nothing more than names
On tombstones to be found.
Before you were in it?
Solid and untouched
Not yet a body pit.
Did it know this was
the fate that lie ahead?
Were there other hopes
than consuming the dead?
Now I’m sitting here
Knowing you’re six feet deep.
The thirsty ground yields
the tears from fallen cheeks.
Maybe after time
Has come and gone from me.
There will sprout flowers
Where my tears used to be.
Then there I will be
Next to you in the ground.
Nothing more than names
On tombstones to be found.
(© Emilee Ayers)
(Written March 6th, 2015, I think)
(Written March 6th, 2015, I think)
Friday, February 27, 2015
reaction
I posted the above picture to my instagram account. Below is the response I got from one of my High School friends.
File this under the "If you have something nice to say, say it." category, because I'm sitting here in tears reading her beautiful words.
She didn't have to take the time to tell me what she felt and what I meant, but she did. And I needed to hear it, as cliche as that sounds.
I tend to go through life taking things as they come and doing my best to leave a kind taste in people's mouths. I want to be a force for good, but sometimes I feel like I'm failing miserably or that my problems I'm facing overshadow any goodness I could bring.
Jenn knew me when I was in a very dark place; a place that clouded my life since I first met it back when she knew me. It was new and I didn't know what to expect or how to navigate it. It was hard and hopeless, yet here I am ten+ years later. It's still a shadow in my life, but I've learned what to expect and how to power through it even when all seems lost. Even on the days I feel death would be easier than the darkness. Even when I feel most alone.
When you give out kindness, it has a way of coming back to you, if not always in the ways you'd expect. Just when I feel like I am isolated and not understood and that my life and story isn't one people particularly care about--only criticize--I go out on a limb and post this knowing full well that people with opinions will see it, afraid to check the notifications because I don't want pity or for people to try and make it into something it's not. Just as I'm thinking, "I just wish that people would ask about it, but not for pity or gain. I just want them to want to know. To care enough to know about my life and what I've been through to get here rather than to shallowly assume my life is roses and that I'm weak. But I don't want pity. I don't want it held over my head or to cause side glances. This is why I like strangers." I get this message, and it makes me feel like everything I've been through is worth it.
Life is worth it.
The fight is worth it.
Take it from someone on the other side.
I promise.
(edit: My favorite song just came on Pandora. Which makes my heart feel ways I can't explain. The timing, man.)
(Ps. It's Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve)
Friday, February 20, 2015
Smiles in the sky.
Yesterday I became friends with an ex-drug addict at a gas station.
Wait...What?
You heard me.
And while some people will praise me and some call me ignorant and more still will think I must be some sort of radical, it's none of those things at all.
I tried getting gas before dance. The pump was being weird. I left.
Decided to get gas after dance.
Made the logical decision of what station to go to--the easiest to get to.
Get out of my car, swipe my card, but the pump in my tank thingy, set it, and wait.
Next thing I know, I hear someone say, "Excuse me, do you know where Betty Jean is?"
I look up, and a girl is walking towards me.
I meet her kinda half-way--away from my car--and she tells me she has this address of where she needs to get to and the guy she asked for directions told her this street that she can't find and she walked all the way to this one street and back which is a rather long distance and couldn't find it. When I said, "Yeah, I do." and started pointing, she let out a sigh of relief.
Long story short; got my phone, pulled up google maps, plugged in the address, showed her the simple route from where we were.
She told me she was an ex-drug addict and was chasing the safe house instead of the drug and was just trying to get to it. She wanted to do better this time, and she didn't mind the walking because it kind of helped her but she was having a hard time finding the place.
I told her I had addictive behavior as well, that dancing helps me. She loves to dance. I told her where I take and to come try out a class. She sounded excited.
She told me how she looked up at the clouds while she was walking and saw--she laughed--a frowny face in the clouds. But that she decided she wasn't having it. She was going to stay positive and trust the outcome would be good. A little farther down the walk, she looked up again, and there was a smiley face in the clouds instead, "It's like God was telling me that He had it under control."
She seemed a little hesitant to tell me, like I would think she's crazy for seeing these things and coming to the conclusion she did. But I just said, "I see them, too." And mentioned how I see hearts everywhere, or have songs come on that I know is God confirming something.
We then talked about Lecrae and she started rapping one of her favorite verses and was so happy.
I added her on Facebook, where the story she told me matched up to what was on her timeline (about how she didn't have a phone cause she was jumped and that's how the veins got busted in her eye and she was trying to do better) and I smiled.
We shook hands and went on our ways.
It wasn't anything I was looking for.
I wasn't trying.
I didn't feel some intense knowing that I was supposed to be at that gas station last night,
But I was supposed to be at that gas station last night.
I was feeling pretty crappy before that moment. Like maybe certain things were my fault or I wasn't doing life well enough and all my troubles were a direct reflection of my life choices.
But then this happened, and I remembered why I live how I do.
God directs me all the time, even in simple things.
I just go with it.
I don't try too hard or not enough.
I just live.
That's all He's asked me to do is just live.
He takes care of the rest.
Wait...What?
You heard me.
And while some people will praise me and some call me ignorant and more still will think I must be some sort of radical, it's none of those things at all.
I tried getting gas before dance. The pump was being weird. I left.
Decided to get gas after dance.
Made the logical decision of what station to go to--the easiest to get to.
Get out of my car, swipe my card, but the pump in my tank thingy, set it, and wait.
Next thing I know, I hear someone say, "Excuse me, do you know where Betty Jean is?"
I look up, and a girl is walking towards me.
I meet her kinda half-way--away from my car--and she tells me she has this address of where she needs to get to and the guy she asked for directions told her this street that she can't find and she walked all the way to this one street and back which is a rather long distance and couldn't find it. When I said, "Yeah, I do." and started pointing, she let out a sigh of relief.
Long story short; got my phone, pulled up google maps, plugged in the address, showed her the simple route from where we were.
She told me she was an ex-drug addict and was chasing the safe house instead of the drug and was just trying to get to it. She wanted to do better this time, and she didn't mind the walking because it kind of helped her but she was having a hard time finding the place.
I told her I had addictive behavior as well, that dancing helps me. She loves to dance. I told her where I take and to come try out a class. She sounded excited.
She told me how she looked up at the clouds while she was walking and saw--she laughed--a frowny face in the clouds. But that she decided she wasn't having it. She was going to stay positive and trust the outcome would be good. A little farther down the walk, she looked up again, and there was a smiley face in the clouds instead, "It's like God was telling me that He had it under control."
She seemed a little hesitant to tell me, like I would think she's crazy for seeing these things and coming to the conclusion she did. But I just said, "I see them, too." And mentioned how I see hearts everywhere, or have songs come on that I know is God confirming something.
We then talked about Lecrae and she started rapping one of her favorite verses and was so happy.
I added her on Facebook, where the story she told me matched up to what was on her timeline (about how she didn't have a phone cause she was jumped and that's how the veins got busted in her eye and she was trying to do better) and I smiled.
We shook hands and went on our ways.
It wasn't anything I was looking for.
I wasn't trying.
I didn't feel some intense knowing that I was supposed to be at that gas station last night,
But I was supposed to be at that gas station last night.
I was feeling pretty crappy before that moment. Like maybe certain things were my fault or I wasn't doing life well enough and all my troubles were a direct reflection of my life choices.
But then this happened, and I remembered why I live how I do.
God directs me all the time, even in simple things.
I just go with it.
I don't try too hard or not enough.
I just live.
That's all He's asked me to do is just live.
He takes care of the rest.
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